Chapter 14: Forever
If I say I'm happy for her, I'm probably lying. It wasn't a bad break up; we didn't scream at each other, there wasn't any violence, just sadness and a promise.
I thought we were going to be forever, guess I was wrong, I guess she wanted more, I guess she needed her happy ending, a happy ending I couldn't give her. I tried to change for her, the flirting and the parties, I tried to give her space too, I tried. But even though I tried so hard, it happened.
Ryan.
He's not a bad guy, he's beautiful, strong, funny, cool; everything a girl dreams to find in a man, and she did.
I remember writing all of these letters and never sending them to her… I could never finish any of them.
"I know you're probably never gonna read this, and it's probably pointless, and I don't know what's going on in your head... I'm not mad, I want you to be happy, I want you to live your fairytale, that's how much I love you, enough to let you be happy with someone else… but I just wanted you to know that I love you with all my heart baby, you mean the world to me. If I could, I would never ever let you go. Falling in love with was the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.
I'm always gonna love you, you'll always be that missing piece, you'll always, always be the one who knows me best, my love, my absolutely everything.
I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't really know why I'm writing this, and I think right now I'm gonna start crying and beg you to please come back to me, because I need you more than anything. you're the only lips I'd ever want to kiss, the only face I'd ever like to stare, and how I'd give anything, anything, to hear you say 'I love you' one more time... Shay, you're the love of my life, I can't believe I lost you, how could I've been so stupid, all the jealousy, Tyler, Ryan, all the bullshit, if this is over,"
And then I would start crying. That's how it was for like 2 months nonstop, pathetic? Probably, but I felt like I was losing my best friend and the love of my life.
I remember so many things about us. It's not like she cheated on me, she was always loyal, she was the best relationship I've ever had in my life, she was, absolutely everything I wanted. She knew it, but like she once told me 'Love is not enough'. We fought a lot. But when we weren't fighting, everything was perfect… I know she still loves me, she wants me, not him, I can't feel betrayed because it's Shay, how could she do anything to hurt me? It's Shay… It's always going to be Shay. But the jealousy, everything turned us into a toxic relationship. 4 months after we broke up, Ryan… Oh fucking Ryan.
I don't know where I'm going to be a year from now, probably filming a movie, or working on another show, or I don't know, what I do know, is that I'm not gonna forget her, not now, not in a year, not ever. We are not broken, we are strong, maybe we're not together, maybe she's with someone else, maybe I never got the chance to look her in the eyes and ask her to spend the rest of her life by my side, but I guess it wasn't meant to be that way. I still believe there's still a chance for us; I've never lost hope, but it hurts like hell.
"So, what's gonna happen with us?"
"Ashley, you're my best friend in the whole world, we'll find a way.."
"What if I don't wanna break up with you?"
"You wanna keep fighting with me every single day?"
"Maybe I do, maybe I would like to spent the rest of my life fighting with you, if that means not losing you"
"That's not how it works"
"We could make it work"
"Please don't"
"I know we can, Shay, look at me, please"
"Ashley you know we can't do this anymore, I'm not in peace, there's always something"
"Hey, baby, look at me. You and me forever, remember? You and me, forever"
"I will love you forever
"and always, always, Shannon. Please don't cry"
"I can't do this anymore! We can't handle this, all the hiding, the jealousy, I can't do this"
"We don't have to keep it a secret anymore"
"Ashley, stop"
"I'm serious, we could make it official, I'm not scared, are you? It's going to be okay, we have each other-"
"Ashley, stop. We can't, you know we can't, stop day dreaming"
"But I love you.."
"and I love you. Let's do this like two grown-ups, come here"
And that was the last time I ever kissed her. The last time I ever touched her, the last time we ever made love, the last time.