The next few weeks went by pretty fast. I mean in just a few months my rep at school completely changed, no more Greenpeace or CauseGirl. I was now Emma the new member of Jay's crew and…GIRLFRIEND of MICHAEL. I hated that part. Michael was so cruel to me. He treated me like shit and made me feel lower than dirt ALL THE TIME. I had no one to go to. Jay and Alex had become great friends, but I felt so weak and stupid. I just couldn't let them know; they'd laugh at me and think I was pathetic.
My dates with Michael were worst than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. He hurt me…a lot and the things he's done to me during sex…has been…just awful. I don't know what to do. He's so strong and so scary and I'm too weak to fight him. I don't want to die and I don't want him to hurt me worst than he already has. He can do much worse, I know he can. So I stay and try my hardest to leave with what he does to me.
The only thing that gets me through the pain anymore is the drugs. I don't get them from Jay anymore. He's become all noble and justified when it comes to me. I guess that means he's started to care about, but that's not gonna help me get my fix and I need it so bad right now. Michael has a friend named Eddie. Eddie's really cool and the best part about him is…he sells drugs. He gives me a discount cuz I'm Michael's girlfriend and cuz he says I'm good at what I do. You see I don't have a job…and can't afford to by the drugs from Eddie…so…he settles for OTHER THINGS. Like sex. It's not always sex, sometimes its blowjobs or hand jobs, but if I want the good stuff I have to do things to not just him, but some of his "partners".
I forgot to mention that my rep at school isn't for just being in Jay's crew, it's also for being a whore. All of my "friends" have abandoned me. Even Manny has stopped talking to me. She said I was ruining the little bit of respect people had for her. Some friend, right? Who cares, I still have Jay and Alex as friends. Fuck Manny, who needs her?
Home life hasn't been so great. Since my late night partying when I met Michael my parents and I have been fighting constantly. I think they hate me. We yell all the time and never talk anymore. At nights when I'm actually home I can here my mom crying in her room. It hurts to know that I've caused her so much pain, so I drown myself in the drugs I take and temporarily escape the guilt. Snake doesn't look at me the same anymore. He always looks so disappointed in me, like I've let him down. Michael says I shouldn't care about them, that all I need is him, but I don't want him and I wish HE WOULD JUST DIE.
I don't know how everything got SO screwed up. I just wanted to start over and be someone new. I didn't want this, but I deserve it because I've hurt so many people. At least I have the drugs to keep me going. And as long as Michael doesn't find out how I pay for them everything should be fine.
That's the only thing that gets me through my days is thinking that everything is fine as long as nothing comes in and makes in bad. But you already know…I'm not that lucky, never have been.