September 30, 1985

The last entry was a long one but I forgot a part. I asked Mrs. Rafferty for some cooking tips (she's always making cookies and cupcakes and stuff) and she gave me a few lessons. Mostly things like the best way to cook pork chops and how to tell if a roast is done. I pretty much knew it already but there's little things they don't tell you in cookbooks that make a huge difference in how food tastes. I even borrowed a textbook from the home economics lab so that I could learn about stuff but it's easier with Mrs. Rafferty - and I think she likes teaching me. She's an older lady and her kids live a long way away so I think giving me cooking lessons makes her happy.

October 19, 1985

I was at the mall today with Jason and a weird thing happened. Just as we were leaving we saw a squad car parked by one of the entrances (someone was probably being picked up for shoplifting - a few of the kids from school do it, I know). At first I didn't think anything of it but there was a cop standing by the car just looking around as we walked by and when he saw me he kind of gave me a double-take. He was tall and kind of thin-looking with what my mom calls a 'long face' and his hair was mostly gray. He also had a lot of stripes on his sleeves. I'm guessing he used to know my dad but I didn't recognize him.

December 29, 1985

School's out for Christmas break. Mom's in the kitchen with Mike (he doesn't want to be called 'Mikey' anymore) making cookies.

Mom's off work for a little while. Her doctor says she's exhausted and needs some rest. Her boss gave her two weeks sick leave which I guess is kind of a big deal. Mom says he only has to give her a week but he's going someplace like Jamaica for vacation so he doesn't really need her to be at work while he's gone.

I'm glad she's not working, actually. For the first few days after she got home she slept almost all the time. Now she's almost back to the way she used to be before Dad died. She still seems a little sad but at least she doesn't look so tired all the time - and I can't remember the last time she felt like making cookies.

I sometimes wonder if maybe Gloria wasn't right about Mom going out on dates again. It might make her a little happier.

January 1, 1986

Sometimes I feel like such a jerk. I got to thinking about the whole dating thing and so tonight when we were talking about resolutions I brought it up to Mom. She looked like I'd just told her she should go out and kick puppies. I apologized right away but she didn't say anything. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.

January 2, 1986

It's after midnight. I had to stop the last entry early because Mom came into my room. She wanted to talk about what I said. I tried apologizing again but she cut me off and said there was something she had to explain to me.

She said that when she and Dad got together it was like she'd found a missing piece of herself and when they split up it was bad but she could handle it because he was still kind of around. After Dad died that part of her was gone and she couldn't bring herself to look for another one.

I kind of get what she meant. With Dad gone, Uncle Pete should have been the one to step in and be a kind of dad for me but I didn't want him to - I wanted my dad. Mom doesn't want another husband because Dad was it for her.

I guess, in a way, Mom was kind of pretending too. Even though she and Dad weren't together, she never stopped thinking of him as her husband. Thinking back, I can't remember a time when she called him 'ex-husband', either. I heard Gloria say once that she took back her maiden name when she got divorced but Mom still goes by Mrs. Reed. Not even 'Ms. Reed' like my Geography teacher Ms. Rowe (I only found out about that last year when she told everyone to call her 'Miz' instead of 'Missus'. Jason, of course, asked her why).

Which brings me back to my original question: Why did Mom and Dad get divorced?

January 20, 1986

The guidance counsellor at school has been bugging me about college so tonight I brought it up with Mom. I told her I'd go if I could get a scholarship and she said something that totally floored me.

Apparently both Mike and I have money set aside for college. Mom and Dad started a college fund for me right after I was born and then did the same for Mike. After they split up, Mom couldn't afford to put money into it but Dad kept doing it. It's no wonder he was always short on money.

After Dad died, Mom couldn't collect the death benefits because they were divorced but Dad's insurance policy gave her some money and put some into our college funds. Mom also said that she thinks Uncle Pete's been paying into it some because the amount started going up after him and Aunt Judy got divorced.

At first I was kind of shocked at finding out I had a college fund but finding out Uncle Pete got divorced kind of brought my brain to a screeching halt. Mom actually snapped her fingers in my face to get my attention, I was so out of it.

It kind of makes me wonder - do all policemen get divorced? And, if that's the case, why do they bother getting married in the first place?

February 9, 1986

I've applied for a couple of colleges anyway. I still don't know what I want to go for but I've got to do something and I don't exactly want to work at the store for the rest of my life. Besides, the guidance counsellor was getting on my last nerve. It seemed like every day she was nagging me about it.

I did find out something interesting though - the LAPD has scholarships available for kids whose parents died in the line of duty. The counsellor wanted me to apply for that but I didn't. I don't think it would be right if I got that scholarship when there's probably some kid out there that really needs it. Even if I don't get any scholarships at all, I can still go to college.

March 8, 1986

I won't be able to write in here much for a while. Mr. Cassavetes is sick and his wife's looking after the store. I told her I'd work extra to help out until he gets back on his feet.

May 17, 1986

I didn't go to the memorial service this time. I did, however, go to the career fair. All of the stuff there looked pretty cool but nothing really stuck out.

Jason was with me for a little while but by the time I got to the booth for the RTD, he was gone. I backtracked a bit and finally found him talking to some guy at the LAFD booth. I can't say I was surprised. Jason always did seem a bit out of whack.

By the time I dragged him out of there, he was totally fixated on the idea of joining the fire department. I asked him why he'd want to do that instead of one of the Silicon Valley companies since he was applying to Stanford. He just said I wouldn't understand. He was right about that.

When we were leaving I saw the booth for the police department. There was a pretty big crowd of kids there (meaning eight or nine as opposed to the usual one or two at the other booths). For a second I was tempted to go take a look but I had to get Jason out of there before he started trying on firefighter gear or something.

I did go back later, though. I sneaked in during lunch time by telling the teacher watching the doors I'd dropped my wallet over by the Carsey-Werner booth. Since I'm a pretty good student that doesn't cause trouble she let me go in. The reason I picked that booth was because I knew it was right next to the LAPD one.

Because it was lunchtime, the career fair was closed until one-thirty so there was no one around (that's why there was a teacher watching the doors). I looked over the stuff they had on display for a few minutes and then went back out. I wasn't interested in the pencils and key chains and stuff they had on the table but I almost grabbed one of the pamphlets. I didn't do it, though. My conscience was nagging me - not only had I lied to a teacher to get in but if I couldn't bring myself to go to the booth when there were people there, then I certainly shouldn't be helping myself to their materials. It didn't matter that that's what they were there for.

Ever since then I've been thinking about what I saw at that booth and wondering. Why do they do it? What did Uncle Pete mean way back when he said they were policemen before they put on the badge? What was it about the job that my dad couldn't get a different one when he knew Mom didn't want him to be a cop anymore? What is it about certain jobs that make people like Jason - who's pretty much a computer nerd - want to do them so badly?

And on the heels of all that came other questions: What happened to Uncle Pete's marriage? Did he and Aunt Judy split up because of the job, too? And, if that was the case, why did he stay with the job and leave his marriage? And, too, what was it about the job that Aunt Judy couldn't handle? That Mom couldn't handle?

Most importantly, though, I wanted to know what happened to Dad. I mean, what actually happened to him, not just what I was told when he died - that he got shot. Why did he get shot? Who did it? What happened?

The more I think about it the more I'm realizing I'll have to talk to Uncle Pete if I want answers. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if he'll want to talk to me after all this time.