A/N: Hey, guys! Back again in the land of Winter Song. I was going to do two chapters today, but this chapter is really long and has a lot of different layers leading up to the next chapters, so I think that you'll be okay with just this one today. I'll probably do two tomorrow.

Until then, thank you and enjoy the show – and a special thanks to Strangelove, my very faithful reviewer.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Winter Song

Chapter 13: Angels Would Fall

This rope that's wrapped around me

Is cutting through my skin

And the doubts that have surrounded me

Are finding their way in

I keep it close to me

Like a holy man prays

In my desperate hour

It's better—

Better that way

So I'll come by and see you again

I'll be such a very good friend

Have mercy on my soul

I will never let you know

Where my mind has been

Angels never came down

There's no one here they'd want to hang around

But if they knew—

If they knew you at all

Then one by one the angels

Angels would fall

"Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Etheridge (Greatest Hits: The Road Less Travelled)

Although things at home had become very strained, Xander was more at peace than he had been all year.

He'd made his decision, even though it had been difficult. He'd owned up to what he'd done and made peace with his friends. He was taking a more active role in his church group than he had all year, which was paying off whenever he could help his group of teenagers. In all of the tumult over Angel, Xander had forgotten exactly why he loved helping people so much.

Tara had begun helping him prepare his meetings at his house on Wednesday nights, and Xander knew that that was helping him patch things up with his mother, at the very least. His father wasn't speaking to him, but that was the least of his problems where his parents were concerned. This being Sunnydale, after all; Willow had called over at Buffy's that morning after the blowup and informed them that all of Xander's neighbors had told the entire town that the Harris family had had a screaming match ending with Xander running away.

Tara advised him to shrug it off. "People in Sunnydale talk, Xander, that's what they do and that's all they do. They don't know how to do anything but invade other people's privacy. You just have to remember that your life isn't their life, and live it for yourself, not for how other people think," she told him one night.

"Like with Willow?"

"Exactly," Tara said placidly. "She is who she is and if people can't accept that she doesn't go off and say, 'Well, go to hell, you're a jerk,' she says 'I'm sorry,' and then she moves on with her life."

Xander's father was furious with him. The neighbors were talking about them and according to Tony that was the deepest shame. He'd marched right into Sunnydale and demanded that Xander be removed from the psychology classes, and then blown up when he realized that Xander had taken them all since ninth grade and couldn't take any more because he'd passed all that the school offered.

Tony had furiously forbidden him from doing anything after school that wasn't strictly church-related, all of Xander's friends had to be approved by his parents, and at home he wasn't allowed to read anything non-Biblical. Xander accepted this without argument, but that didn't stop his friends from gate-crashing.

Buffy, Willow, and even Spike were now fixtures of the Wednesday night study group. Spike seemed to scare some of the rowdier boys into submission, so Xander accepted that as a plus. And then, of course, there was the massive amounts of shock when they had planned a hymn night and Spike showed up with a guitar and an extremely impressive singing voice. Buffy turned out to have a pleasant soprano and could read music fairly well, but Tara outshone everyone with her high voice that was clear as a bell and nearly made Willow cry.

Willow and Xander warbled their way through "Our God is an Awesome God" before they were good-naturedly booed down. Willow's face was on fire but Xander was laughing so hard he nearly cried. Tara patted Willow's hand, but she was laughing too.

Buffy and Willow were amazing friends, and Xander thanked God for them every day of his life. Buffy was one of the few allowed at his house, and she came over once a week with some smuggled hot chocolate from Joyce. Xander caught up on all the school gossip that he didn't have time to discuss with Buffy in school – Xander and Cordelia becoming an item was actually the top feature this month, although there were rumors swirling around the campus that Xander was secretly dating Spike and also smoking and drinking.

"Smoking and drinking?" Xander asked with a laugh.

"Oh, God, you should've heard Jonathan, he sounded so distraught, thought that you were on coke because of Mary Hanover," Buffy snorted, wiping away tears of mirth.

"Distraught?" Xander asked with a laugh.

"Oh, come on, Xander, half the school still has a crush on you because you went on the swim team that one time in a Speedo," Buffy said with a smirk.

"You told me you destroyed those pictures!" Xander cried, aggrieved.

Willow loaded Tara down with care packages so that Xander wouldn't get behind now that they couldn't study together after school. She highlighted important notes, ran copies of her class notes, and then gave Tara a note to sign in her own hand so Mrs. Harris could have the homework answers to give to Xander after he was done. She usually snuck a chocolate in there, but once she found a Snoopy Pez dispenser that he lorded over Buffy for a week.

Spike was horrified at Xander's prison sentence, as he called it, and was determined that Xander get around it. He took lunch breaks and drove to school in his beat-up black De Soto and picked up Xander, Buffy and Willow for their lunch hour. Of course, he made them cough up change to pay for their own food, but Xander had the lurking suspicion that Spike enjoyed the lunches as much as they did.

Spike and Xander never discussed that night at the Bronze or Angel, and it was an unspoken agreement amongst the trio that they would never bring Drusilla up unless Spike brought it up first. Instead they talked about college plans and the crazed happenings of Sunnydale campus, which Spike drank up, marveling at how bad things had gone.

"I thought this was a white hat school!" he would exclaim constantly.

"Oh, God, are you kidding?" Buffy said, slurping a chocolate milkshake down greedily at the Espresso Pump. "Do you remember Pete?"

"Wot, weird Pete who smelled like the chem lab?" Spike asked. "Little bugger what used to follow me n' Dru around like he was tryin' to pick up tips on how to score girls?"

"Yeah," Willow said enthusiastically. "Well, it turned out that he was experimenting with energy drinks, and he flipped out on one that turned out to be like, meth or something, and started hitting his girlfriend Debbie until she finally got pissed off and hit him with a crowbar, so now he's at a rehab clinic and she's doing community service!"

"Kids these days are crazy," Spike commented.

"Says the guy who got drunk and led a posse from the Fish Tank to Parent-Teacher Night and broke in through the bay windows," Xander returned with a winning smile.

"Ooh! I remember that because of crazy Sheila!" Buffy said, incensed.

"Sheila? I remember that bitch," Spike commented with a shudder.

"Yeah, I got into a fight with some stupid guy right after Sheila stabbed her teacher with pruning shears," Buffy said, remembering, "and Snyder made us do Parent-Teacher Night together (Xander and Willow helped with everything, of course) and then you crashed in and I was so mad that we got into a fistfight and my mom came at you with an axe," she finished with relish.

"You never told us that part!" Xander said, deeply impressed.

"Not one of my finest moments, getting taken out by a suburban mum with a 'tude," Spike admitted.

"And Snyder blamed me for the whole thing, of course," Buffy said. "Because Sheila turned up later in one of the closets necking with one of the drunks."

***

Fountain, fountain

We are the same

Fountain, fountain

We are the same

You with the water

And me with the pain

It is so beautiful how you remain

Buffy and Scott Hope were flirting with each other. Willow didn't see it lasting and she was having one of her few disagreements with Tara – of course, they weren't fighting about it, but they disagreed on it. Tara thought that Scott was much better for Buffy than Angel. Xander didn't figure that he was anywhere near impartial enough to make a judgment so he kept out of it.

Buffy was in love with Angel, and everyone knew it, but she said that he had a lot of issues to work out, and she wasn't too sure that he was as into her as she was into him. So they were taking a bit of a 'break,' so to speak, and Buffy was flirting with Scott Hope, a blissfully normal senior whose only major bad factor was a secret joy of the Backstreet Boys.

Willow said that Buffy was just projecting her feelings away from Angel and onto the first cute boy that eyed her back. Tara said that after her tumultuous relationship with Angel, she needed a breath of normalcy in her love life and Scott was very good for her. Xander tended to agree with Tara – she was nearly empathic in figuring out exactly what was going on in people's love lives.

In the interim Angel was just very depressed, Spike told him one lunch break when Buffy had opted to stay with Scott at the cafeteria. He was drinking more, which was a problem considering that he'd once gone to AA meetings.

"Look, pet," Spike said hesitantly, seeing Xander's face at the news. "Maybe…maybe you could talk to him, yeah?"

"No," Xander said flatly.

"Xander," Willow began, but Xander shook his head fiercely.

"I can't be around him, at least not right now. And Angel needs more help than I can give him. I do feel bad for him; I feel for him anyway. But I'll just…complicate things more," Xander said.

"Alright," Spike said, dropping the subject.

Xander tried to not feel guilty about it. He tried to not feel anything about it. But he couldn't get the image of Angel, alone, lonely, in his dark, sad apartment, with nothing but the false comfort of alcohol to get him through. He wanted to only remember the desperate Angel that had nearly hurt him that night in the parking lot. But that Angel only led to thoughts of the Angel that Xander loved.

That Angel was kind and caring, made bumbling attempts at making people feel better, always tried to help even when you didn't want his help. That Angel was a beautiful person, not just on the outside. If there was only that one side of Angel!

But Xander knew that there was another side, a side of pain and bitterness and darkness that Xander wanted to hide from and protect Angel from at the same time. That Angel was dark and passionate and intense and burning with something unidentifiable and scary. It was unfair that someone as beautiful as Angel should be as plagued as he was.

Xander felt disgusted with himself. Buffy was still in love with Angel, and whether Xander liked it or not, they were together. It was Buffy that Angel had slept with. He wanted to believe that that night had meant nothing to Angel but it was Angel himself who'd told him different. Who could he believe? Which Angel had been speaking to him then?

It didn't do any difference. He thought about Angel every day anyway. He prayed to God to give him the guidance that he needed to figure out what to do. The best thing had to be to stay away from Angel…not matter how painful that was. He had to deal with the pain because that was what was best for Angel, and one thing that Xander had learned was that true love was not selfish, and he would not be selfish to Angel.

***

Beauty queen of only eighteen, she

Had some trouble with herself

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

Cordelia somehow managed to sweet-talk Xander's parents into dropping the grounding a few weeks later, and Xander's mother agreed because of his good behavior and how he'd accepted the punishment without argument. Xander's father pursed his lips but said nothing as Cordy and Jessica eagerly talked about the banquet and what Xander would wear – clothing was one of Jessica's few vices.

Xander was sitting in the living room, trying not to wince when his mother started talking cummerbunds. To his surprise, Cordelia gave him a slight smile and said "Nah – cummerbunds are so last season."

He gave her a grateful look, and she turned back to his mother as if nothing had happened.

***

Over the sea and far away

She's waiting like an iceberg

Waiting to change

But she's cold inside

She wants to be like

The water

All the muscles tighten in her face

Buries her soul in one embrace

They're one and the same

Just like water

Then the fire fades away

But most of everyday

Is filled with tired excuses

But it's too hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

She's close enough to see that

You're on the other side of the world

To me

"I'm taking pictures," Joyce announced as Xander walked down the stairs.

"This isn't prom!" Xander said, embarrassed.

"No, but we've never seen you in formal wear before," Jessica said. Following the four-hour long phone conversation the night that Xander had stayed at Buffy's, the two mothers had been spending more time together – Joyce went to church every Sunday anyway, with or without Buffy, and she had taken to singing in the choir ("It's a nightmare," Buffy told him fervently. "She sings everywhere now – in the shower, cooking breakfast, getting me up for school! Something needs to be done!") with Xander's mom as the choir director.

Buffy and Joyce had shown up before Cordelia showed up to take him up to the Chase mansion, and had decided that there must be pictures of the big event. "These pictures will never leave this house," he said as he finally came downstairs. It felt like everyone was staring at him and he squirmed uncomfortably.

"You clean up nice, Xand," Buffy said appreciatively. He was wearing a silky black tuxedo and his hair was slicked back in a 'rich' style, according to his mother.

"Oh, don't you look handsome?" his mother fawned, and even Tony grunted approvingly over his newspaper.

"Mom," Xander complained as she gave him a big hug.

"Oh, you didn't even go to any of the Homecoming dances these other years; I've been storing this up since you hit ninth grade," she said with a sappy grin. He sighed theatrically but couldn't help smiling at the expression on Buffy's face – she was clearly trying to hold back a full-belly laugh but looked like she was busting her ribs in the process.

There was a knock at the door just then and Joyce opened it to see Cordelia walk in. Cordy was a usual stunner; you almost got used to the knockout effect, especially when her acidic insults were turned on you. But tonight her hair was coiffed up in an elegant basket weave that let her natural curls fall gently around her face, which was done up in just enough makeup to look natural. She was wearing a pale yellow gown that faded into dusky rose down at the lacy bottom, and she looked like a foreign princess as she glided into the Harris household.

"Oh, my word, Cordelia, you look wonderful!" Jessica praised her as Joyce made approving noises. Buffy shot her a death glare that made the compliment die in her throat; instead, she raised the camera and snapped another shot. "You two are just like a portrait together!"

Once the photoshoot was over (Xander by himself, Cordelia by herself, Buffy by herself, Xander with his mother, Xander with his parents, Xander with Cordelia, Xander with Buffy, Buffy with her mother, and Buffy with Cordelia (as they both tried to not kill each other with their psychic powers)), Cordelia led Xander out of the house, grinning from ear to ear.

"What's so funny?" Xander asked.

"I just never knew that you'd look good in formal wear," Cordelia commented.

"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."

"They call them backhanded compliments, these days," she said with a sunny smile.

Xander didn't talk much more as she stomped at the gas – he'd learned something important about Cordelia just then: she drove like a blind, drunken maniac. He held on to his seatbelt and tried to not be obvious about holding himself back from stomping on the invisible brake on the passenger's side of the car.

They arrived at the Chase mansion in record time, and he tried to make himself look more presentable than he felt as she let herself out and he stepped out. He hadn't been anywhere near this mansion since they'd stopped trick-or-treating on Halloweens (or, at least, the others went; Xander's parents didn't believe in Halloween and they had him knocking on doors with his best innocent smile, convincing people to take their children to the church instead).

It was just as large and imposing as he remembered it, glaring down at them in imperiousness. He saw Cordelia's footsteps automatically soften and some of the anger of her confidence went out of her as she headed towards her home. He felt a soft pang of…was it pity? He couldn't tell. All he knew was that no one should be mentally preparing themselves that much to walk in to their home.

The door opened and a butler bowed to him condescendingly as he walked in. Mrs. Chase looked him up and down and said "He'll do." Without another look at her daughter, she headed for the dining room. Xander caught the fragility on Cordelia's face before she hid it and silently held out his arm.

The dinner was delicious but the food didn't settle well with his stomach. He'd had to answer some perfunctory questions to the well-mannered dean, but other than that his only job was to sit still and look good – which seemed to be Cordelia's only task, as well. Her parents never let her speak on her own behalf, and for all the world she could have been a princess being bartered by her parents due to the curse of beauty.

Xander felt himself growing angrier and angrier at the Chases. It was the same anger that he felt toward Tara's family, he realized. Tara's parents may have been outright abusive, but at least they didn't treat their daughter like a marble statue. It was as if they paraded everyone around Cordelia to say: Look, this is youthful beauty, a representation of the Chase wealth and prestige; admire us by admiring her. They treated her like she was the blip in the scheme of get rich and spend the money while stabbing each other in the back at every turn.

No wonder Cordelia was so good at being nasty; she knew no other way to survive.

By the time the dinner was finally over, Xander made his excuses about having to go to church the next morning, causing him to have an early night. The dean clapped him on the shoulder. "So good to see young people who have interest in values and traditions," he said, beaming at Xander and Cordelia but not really seeing them. It was clear that he'd been sold on the idea of having Cordelia grace his school's hallways, and her parents grace the wall of benefactors.

He probably didn't even know that underneath her exterior Cordelia had done higher on her SAT's than about 8/10 of the rest of the senior class.

Cordelia drove him home in silence. "Thanks, Xander," she said quietly, looking more exhausted than he was. She looked amazingly fragile and maybe that was why he said what he said.

"Do you maybe want to come to Wednesday night group?" he asked. She stared at him in amazement, unsure. "We have a lot of fun – there's music and food, and we bring games in and it's not just about the Bible; it's about friendship."

"Maybe I'll make an appearance," she said after a moment, giving him a genuine smile. "You losers could use the boost."

"Of course," Xander said with a snarky grin.

"Out, Harris," she ordered, but she was smiling as she drove away.

***

You can find yourself a God

Believe in which one you want

'Cause they love you all the same

They just go by different names

It means nothing

It means nothing

If I haven't got you

If I haven't got you

Although Buffy and Willow stared at her in amazement, Cordelia showed up on Wednesday night with none of her friends or hangers-on. She looked good in a casual-wear outfit, and sat down in one of the empty chairs without her usual flair for the dramatic. Xander gave her a warm smile, which she pretended not to see, before Spike broke out in a rousing rendition of "I Know What Boys Want."

The audience laughed appreciatively and even Cordy gave a reluctant smile before Xander rose up to begin.

From then on, Cordelia had become, if not a friend, someone that Xander couldn't quite figure out but knew instinctively that he could quite like, if she'd open up. Buffy, thankfully, kept her biting remarks to herself (at least at Church; if the two ever saw each other in school it was still open season and the matches were no-holds-barred verbal fights to the death), and Willow had Tara to calm her down.

It was also accepted by Xander's parents that he and Cordelia were "dating," and he was allowed to go out with more and more of his old freedom.

It was a charmed month and a half, a period in his life that Xander would always treasure. Buffy dumped Scott Hope and spread the rumor that he had herpes (she wouldn't admit to this, but Xander had his suspicions seeing as how he'd told everyone that she was a lesbian with Willow – what Buffy didn't realize was that Scott said that about every girl he ever broke up with), which made Spike bust out laughing.

Willow and Tara had exchanged promise rings, though they didn't say anything about it. Xander had given Tara a golden chain that had his great-grandmother had worn at her wedding. He strung the ring on it so she could hide it if she wished.

"I can't take this, Xander," she said in amazement.

"I won't take it back," Xander said flatly. "It's yours, because my great-grandmother was married to my great-grandfather for more than fifty years, and I think that if anyone deserves that love around them, you do."

She'd burst into tears and flung her arms around his neck, which Cordelia teased him about relentlessly, but he didn't mind. Cordelia, when they were alone, was starting to relax her guard around him, little by little. He grew to appreciate her brutal honesty, even when it was turned on him, because the truth, even if it hurt, was always a better policy than a lie.

It was a charmed circle, made up by bonds of friendship, family, and love.

***

I feel the dream in me expire

And there's nothing left to blame it on

I hear you label me a liar

'Cause I can't seem to get this through

You say it's over and I can sigh again, yeah

Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here?

I am

Aware now

Of how everything's gonna be fine

One day

Too late

I'm in Hell

I am

Prepared now

Seems everyone's gonna be fine

One day, too late, just as well

Spike was doing amazingly well at his DJ gig and proudly showed Xander the balance in his account. "I'm gonna be able to move out of that apartment whenever I want to," Spike said happily.

"Not enough room in there?" Xander asked, his voice a little strained. If there was one thing that could spoil his happiness, it was talking about Angel. He hated that he still felt that way, but he couldn't deny it and it was no use trying. Being away from Angel was like an ache; he ached to see him, he ached to hear his voice, he ached to touch him. But he knew, in the end, that he'd made the right decision.

That knowledge was small beans next to the big fist wrapped around his heart, some days.

"I'm thinkin' about leavin' Dru there," Spike said quietly, as they walked away.

"What?" Xander gasped, astonished. "Why?"

"Oh, come on, Xander," Spike said. "I love her. Love her to death. But I'm tired, too; tired of the ol' ball n' chain and m' tired of the way she drags off with those slags and…I just don't know what she wants, and I don't think she knows what she wants."

"Spike…who is Drusilla, really? I mean, all the time I've known you she was always just…there," Xander said hesitantly.

"Drusilla," Spike said with a sigh. "You sure you want to hear about this, pet?"

"Yes," Xander said. He had a feeling that Spike needed to talk about this, anyway, and if it would help Spike then he would do what he could.

"Drusilla was in the troubled part of the orphanage in the dirtier part of London," Spike said. "There was a serial killer in those days, tryin' to copycat Jack the Ripper or something like that. Drusilla caught his attention, I guess, because he came after her big time. Killed her whole family. She was nine."

"Oh my God," Xander whispered, horrified.

"Yeah," Spike said. "Well, Dru ran this way n' that, hittin' the orphanages o' good ol' London. By the time she was fifteen she was a thief, a liar, a brawler, and more n' a little off her head. So she meets Angel when he's helping out at the orphanage. She was nearly seventeen, wanted to get out o' there 'fore they put her to work as soon as she was legal."

"Angel?" Xander whispered.

"Yeah. He was there after what…what happened with Darla n' Connor. He helped out in orphanages and the like 'cause it was suggested by a counselor."

"Oh."

"Yeah…well, anyway, Drusilla's crazy and…well, you know how Angel reels 'em in. Weren't long 'fore they were shagging. Angel has this thing about wanting to take care of people. Why I told you you were his type. You remind me n' him a lot o' Dru when she was your age," Spike said absently, taking a long draw on his cigarette, not meeting Xander's eyes.

"But…I'm not…" Xander said. He felt sick, a little dizzy, and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the rest of this.

"Well, when she lets the guard down. Vulnerable, hurt, unsure, mite bit timid." Spike definitely wasn't meeting his eyes now, and Xander looked away from him, staring at the people passing by them, the sun in the sky, anything. It was like the peaceful bubble that he'd been surrounding himself with these days was popping.

"Anyway, they move in together, n' some time later Dru and I met each other. I fell head over fuckin' heels, and I guess she felt somethin' because I went home with her that night. I've been with her ever since, and Angel made sure that we had a place to stay so's we could take a stab at finishin' high school.

"You remember how that one went," Spike said with a smirk. Xander smiled weakly back at him. Spike and Drusilla had been expelled for having sex on campus, starting fires, smoking, starting fights, and trying to incite the student body to rebellion against Principle Snyder, all in the space of about six months.

"What happened to Angel?" Xander couldn't stop himself from asking. Spike gave him a look, and Xander didn't want to see the pity in his blue eyes.

"Went to LA for a while, tryin' to find himself or some such. Came back to Sunnydale and settled down, and now he's taking night classes at the university, workin' on his art," Spike said, his voice emotionless.

"How is he?" Xander asked finally, unable to contain himself.

"He's…bloody awful. Depressed, brooding, self-hating," Spike said flatly. "Takin' it out on people what don't deserve it."

"Has he been hitting you?" Xander asked hesitantly.

"Nah. Physical abuse ain't his style," Spike said with a bitter snort.

"Spike—"

"Look, I stand by what I said. I care about you, Xand, and because I care about you, I'm tellin' you, stay the hell away from him if you don't want to end up as fucked as I am," Spike said, and stomped away, his Doc Martins hitting the pavement with ferocious intent on every step.

Xander wrapped his arms around himself and tried to not feel cold. The setting sun looked like blood, bathing everything in its hot, angry light. Xander cursed himself for a fool as he turned around and began to walk to Angel's apartment.

Songs used in this chapter:

"Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Etheridge (Greatest Hits: The Road Less Traveled)

"Fountain" by Sarah Lov (Bones [Original Television Soundtrack])

"She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 (Songs About Jane)

"Other Side of the World" by KT Tunstall (Eye to the Telescope)

"It Means Nothing" by Stereophonics (Bones [Original Television Soundtrack])

"Fine Again" by Seether (Disclaimer)