Chapter Fourteen – Sweat it Out

Darkness. Mmm. Darkness. Sweet darkness.

Something moving. Someone moving.

I opened my eyes, only to immediately snap them shut again. Oh, God. Light. Who the fuck turned on the lights?

I fell back asleep. So warm. So soft. So dark. Mmm.

A while later, I don't know how long, I opened my eyes again. My whole head felt tight, like someone had inflamed my brain while simultaneously robbing it of the ability to think. And God, this headache. Ugh.

I finally realized that there was a vast quantity of curly brown hair falling all over me.

What…?

Oh, shit! I almost jumped up, before realizing at the last second that Katara was lying on my chest, completely knocked out, her hand pressed right against my heart. She wasn't wearing a shirt: just a lacy white bra. Her little gray skirt was hiked up on her hips, showing me just a hint of a pair of blue panties. I wasn't wearing a shirt either, just my jeans, with only one shoe on. There was a bottle of wine on the floor beside me.

What happened? Where was I?

I looked around and saw an elaborately furnished living room, with lots of art and TVs on the wall, and a table filled with alcohol bottles. It all came back in a rush – vodka shot, tequila shot, Smirnoff Ice, strip truth or dare, Taylor Swift, making out with Katara…

Oh, right. Toph's party. That's where I was.

But how did Katara end up on my chest? And why were neither of us wearing a shirt? I froze. Oh, God, did we…I mean…I didn't sleep with her, did I?

No. No way. I couldn't have. I would've remembered that.

Much as I was loving Katara snoozing like a baby bear on my chest (she had the cutest little snores), now that I was awake my legs were getting restless, and I had to get up and go pee at least. I moved my hand around until I found a nice, big pillow on the ground. Had to do it quickly. I gently held Katara's head up as I slid out and placed the pillow under her. She gripped it, made a soft cooing sound, and fell right back asleep.

But standing up was not good. The room was suddenly moving, spinning around me. I grabbed the back of the couch for support and pressed a hand to my head. Jesus Christ.

Painstakingly, I made my slow way to the bathroom. The whole room was in a state of disarray. A long table was littered with empty beer cans and Solo cups. There were articles of clothing just lying around randomly. I made it into the cool dark bathroom and took the most triumphant pee of my life. The stream must've lasted for twenty seconds. Seriously, how much did I drink last night?

Once I got out, it became apparent that I needed water immediately or I would actually die, so I made the equally slow journey to the kitchen. On the way I saw the only other person in the room – Ty Lee, even more naked than Katara, wearing just a bra, panties and pair of stockings, sprawled out on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest. It looked like she'd been there for a while.

I lurched into the kitchen and suddenly felt like I was going to puke. Oh, God – I grabbed the edge of the sink and leaned over, breathing heavily –

Suddenly someone's hand was rubbing my back. "Don't try to stop it. Let it out."

My stomach was flipping, over and over again. I kept trying to bite it back –

"You'll feel better once you get it out."

Finally I leaned over and totally blew my cookies. That shit was like a rainbow – red, yellow, green. But afterwards, I did feel a lot better. I turned the water on and gurgled and spat while the chunks fell down the sink. Then I turned to see who it was.

Mai, smiling at me. Her hair and clothes looked remarkably good for having drank like a sailor the night before. She was standing there with two mugs of something hot and steamy.

"Hair of the dog?" she asked.

"Will it make me feel better?"

"Maybe. It's what I do."

I accepted the mug and took a deep drink. It was black coffee, mixed with something –

"Kahlua," Mai said, at my pained expression. This shit tasted rough. "Just enough to soothe the nerves."

I took another big drink, and while it did taste like sandpaper mixed with tar, it helped to clear my mind a bit. I finished the coffee and the two of us then indulged in a whole lot of water and ibuprofen, standing in comfortable silence in the sunlit kitchen. This silent Gothic girl was starting to grow on me. Those black eyes could hide a thousand secrets. I was really glad she was on our side.

Finally I looked at the clock. "It's eleven already?"

"Yep," Mai said. "We'd probably better get people up. We can help Toph clean up a bit before we go."

I nodded and headed into the living room. First things first – I found my shirt. There were weird stains all over it that I had no recollection of. With a shrug, I walked over and stood over sleeping Katara, who looked so vulnerable.

And suddenly I was flooded with fear. What had really happened last night? What were we now? Should I…I mean, was she my girlfriend? Was this a one-night stand? Was I really Friendzoned, as I so desperately feared? Staring down at her, the way wisps of her hair fell over her cheek, the slight push and pull of her chest as she breathed, the way she slept with her fingers tightly clasped on the pillow…I loved her. And I'd kissed her last night. So why did it feel so complicated, so wrong?

I couldn't do it. Not yet.

I looked around to see if I could wake up Ty Lee first, but Mai had already gotten there. Which left the two couples of the night. Much as I didn't want to see anyone naked, I was desperately curious as to what had actually happened in the upstairs bedrooms, so I headed to the stairs.

But the morning held even more surprises. Toph was completely passed out on the bottom step, wearing her own clothes. I couldn't see her face from her mane of hair that had frizzed out over night, but there was an empty bottle of vodka beside her, and she was curled up into a ridiculously tight ball, tighter even than Katara, like she was protecting herself from something. Her wrists were pulled in tight to her chest. My hangover wasn't helping me understand the situation. Why wasn't she with Sokka? Why was she wearing her own clothes? Did they hook up?

I bent down and gently rubbed her shoulder. "Toph?"

It took a few tries, but she started blinking. I pushed her hair out of her face and saw her eyes, gummed together with sleep, slightly red, her nose ring off kilter, sticking straight up.

"That you, Aang?" She murmured.

"Sure is. We wanted to wake everyone up so we can start cleaning."

She snorted and slowly pushed herself onto her arms. "No need to suck up, Twinkles, I'm already voting for you for Prom King."

Her humor felt so good, in the wake of all this confusion. "I don't know, I probably drank thirty bucks worth of liquor last night, I should at least clean up."

"My hero. Oh, fuuuuuuck…"

She leaned her head against the wall and groaned, a hand pressed to her forehead.

"You didn't seem that drunk when I went to sleep," I said, confused as to why she was so fucked up.

"The night was full of surprises."

She was hauling herself to her feet, looking like a complete wreck. I couldn't tell at all what was going on with her. "So…how was your night…?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

"As good as can be expected," she replied, which didn't tell me shit. I tried to stare at her, forgetting for a second that she couldn't tell, and she flashed me a smile and said, "I'mma go wake up the lovers. Go get Katara."

"How did you – "

"I know everything," she said, heading up the stairs. I groaned a little and walked back over to Katara.

"Katara? Hun?"

She shoved her face in the pillow and grumbled something.

"Sweetie, it's almost noon, we gotta clean up."

"Noooooo…"

I sighed and sat down on the floor. "Come on, baby. We gotta roll."

She pushed her face out towards me, eyes closed, hair in her face, her lips puckered in duck face. I wished I had a camera to capture it. "Aang?"

"Yep."

"Aang…Aang…" Suddenly her eyes opened and she took in my face. Her mouth opened slightly. "Aang!"

I knew what was going on inside her mind – she was remembering the kiss. She sat up, threw back her hair, and suddenly realized she wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Aang! Jesus Christ! Where is my shirt?"

You didn't care last time you weren't wearing a shirt, I thought, but nonetheless I dug around until I found her shirt, which she pulled on, blushing furiously.

"What did we…I mean…we didn't – "

"Oh, Jesus, no, we passed out together on the couch. Nothing more."

"Oh, thank God."

Thank God? My stomach sank. Was I that regrettable of a hookup? Would it have been so bad if we slept together? Oh, God –

"Do you…I mean…" What the fuck was going on? This was unchartered territory. Did we pretend it didn't happen? Did we accept it and move on? Did we take the next step? Was it my choice? What was I supposed to say?

If it was any consolation, she looked more embarrassed than I'd ever seen, frantically straightening out her hair, not meeting my eye. "Let's start cleaning up, okay?"

I could only nod, ignoring the prickling tears in my eyes. What the hell was going to happen?

With fearful steps, Toph made it up to her bedroom and pried open the door. She heard Sokka shift from the bed and a muffled groan.

She walked over quietly and sat down on the bed. "Hey, Sokka?"

There was a grunt.

"Time to wake up, dude."

"Toph…?" he rolled over.

"Do you want me to get one of the chauffeurs to drive you home?"

"No, no, it's okay…where were you, last night? I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and you weren't there."

She heard the pleading in his voice, but with no idea what to do, she just said, "Yeah…okay, listen…I'm not embarrassed or anything, but…you know how emotional girls get, their first time and everything…would you mind keeping this between us? Until I'm ready to tell people?"

"Uh…I guess, yeah. Sure."

"Thanks, Socks," she said with a smile. "I'll go wake up the others and put some coffee on downstairs, okay?"

"Wait, Toph – "

She almost sprinted out of the room and closed the door.

Goddamn it! She barely stopped herself from slamming her fist into the wall. Instead, she pressed her back against the wall and cracked her skull as softly as she could. What the fuck? Why couldn't she talk to him? She'd seen his dick, for Chrissakes. Do you want this guy to be your boyfriend or not?

"I don't know," she whispered. "I don't know."

Of course you do, you dumb bitch.

She closed her eyes and mashed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Life had never been simple for her. The world wasn't meant for blind people. But she had never felt more confused than she did at this moment.

Then she heard the sounds of movement coming from one of the numerous guest bedrooms on the floor, and it brought her back to reality. Right. Party. Need to clean up. Need to wake people up to clean.

Come on, girl. Get back to Toph mode. Tonight, we'll deal with this. But for now…fake it till you make it.

She took a deep breath, headed over to the bedroom, and threw the door open.

"Rise and shine, dickwads! I'm doing both of you a favor by being blind and having no idea whether you're naked or not. I'm just here to tell you that we're all gonna clean up and roll out. So finish sucking dick and get your asses out of bed."

"Thanks, Toph," Suki giggled, as Zuko harrumphed from the corner.

"Always a pleasure," she said, heading back down the hall.

It's way more fun to observe your problems than deal with my own.

Cleanup wasn't as bad as I expected. Most of us started to work right away (Ty Lee still not wearing any clothes, looking just as happy without them). Suki and Zuko finally came down the stairs, weird little grins on their faces, and we all started catcalling and whooping. Mai's smile was slightly strained as she picked up stray Solo cups. We wiped down the sticky surfaces and threw out the empty liquor bottles (Toph saved the full ones under her bed), but eventually she kicked us out, protesting that we were all too hungover to really do much good and that she had one of her friends coming over later to help her. I wanted to argue, but my head was killing me, and I wanted to get into bed where I didn't have to avoid meeting Katara's eye, so I finally allowed her to shoo me out of the house. She gave us all hugs and smiled as we left, and though all of us were watching closely to see what she said to Sokka, she gave him a hug and a smile like the rest of us. Sokka reciprocated. I looked at Katara, both of us wondering what the hell had happened last night. The drive home was completely silent. I sat in the front seat with Sokka, every once in a while sneaking glances at Katara, who stared out the window with big bags under her eyes.

Once we arrived home, we each immediately fell into our respective beds. I stripped down to just boxers, for some reason sweating profusely, and stayed in this weird half-state between dreaming and sleeping. Grandfather did the rounds very hour with more water and ibuprofen when necessary. He had a strange, smug smile on his face. He hadn't protested very much when we went out last night and didn't give us a spiel about the dangers of alcohol. It had seemed weird then, but now I understand why. He knew no speech of his would accomplish the point as well as a truly nasty hangover. Sneaky bastard.

Appa switched between Sokka and I, snuggling up on the bed with his warm, fluffy body, but I hadn't seen Momo all day. He'd really become attached to Katara, and today he seemed to be taking my direction to stay with her the last time she was here drunk very seriously. At one point during the day – I had no idea the time – I was laying my head on Appa when the door opened.

"Grandfather?" I muttered.

Someone entered the room. "No, Aang, it's me."

"Katara?" I whispered. She walked over and sat down beside me. Her hair was thrown in a truly horrendous bun and she looked like she'd been punched in the face. But she smiled at me, and suddenly she was beautiful again.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Like shit," I replied. "You?"

"A little better. Might start homework soon."

"Only you," I muttered.

She smiled again. "Aang, I'm gonna leave soon so you can get some sleep, but I just…I wanted to say…"

I held my breath. After a moment of staring at me, she suddenly bent over and kissed me on the lips.

"I had a great time last night," she said in a rush. Then, blush spreading all across her cheeks, she got up, left, and closed the door behind her.

I was too hungover to comprehend what had just happened. But I still smiled and buried myself deeper in my dog's fur.

"Girls, Appa…can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em…"

Appa barked in agreement.

*Sunday*

"Toph…won't you come back for dessert?"

Toph gritted her teeth and yelled, "I'm full, Mom."

"But we're having tea…won't you spend some time with us? We haven't seen you very often lately."

Here comes the guilt trip. She'd gone to dinner with them; wasn't that enough? Toph took a deep breath and yelled, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm not really feeling that well."

"Alright, dear," her mother sighed. "Just as long as you don't go on that infernal contraption."

Toph smirked as she pulled her tank top over her sports bra. "Wouldn't dream of it," she yelled back.

Her room was silent as she dressed, settling her favorite pair of Soffee shorts over her hips. Then she felt around in her closet for her sneakers and laced them up over her socked feet. It was late enough that there shouldn't have been many servants around. She took the hair tie from her wrist and bound up all of her wild hair in a bun. Jesus, seriously need a haircut. Oh, but Sokka liked her hair…

Goddamn it.

She tiptoed out of her room and down the silent hallways to the basement workout room. One of the benefits of being blind was that she didn't need light to see, so she didn't have to turn on the light to betray her presence. She inched slowly around the room, fingers out in front of her, until she found the 'infernal contraption' – the treadmill.

Hey there, buddy. Ready for some masochism?

She plugged her iPod into the speakers set up in front of the treadmill, and moved to the playlists. Her visually-impaired iPod said in a robotic female voice –

"Playlists: Bacardi Wednesday; Calculus Sucks Monkey Balls; Fuck Everything - "

There we go. She pressed the button and immediately the sounds of Sum 41 filled the room, thick heavy guitar riffs that seemed to settle right into her soul.

Everybody's got their problems, everybody says the same thing to you, it's just a matter of how you solve them, and knowing how to change the things you've been through –

Toph stepped slowly onto the stationary treadmill, her fingers reaching out for the buttons, feeling, as she always did when she used this machine, like she was heading into battle.

I feel I've come to realize, how fast life can be compromised, step back to see what's going on, I can't believe this happened to you –

She pressed the button for walk and the track moved beneath her feet. Keeping her hands planted on the side supports, she started walking, loving the feeling of her tight muscles getting stretched out.

Part of me, won't agree, cause I don't know if it's for sure, suddenly, suddenly, I don't feel so insecure –

Normally she would stay at walk for a while, but the throbbing in her vagina was pushing her to do things she didn't normally do. So she pushed the buttons, listening for just the right number of beeps that would tell her she'd hit 5.5 MPH. The treadmill caught up to her, and she ran, taking her hands off of the supports, her feet pounding the floor, heart rate spiking. Oh, God, this felt so good.

The treadmill was, like so many things in Toph's life, something that someone had once told her she could never do, which only served to make her more determined to do it. She had always loved being active, and she did every sport a blind girl could do, but sometimes she just wanted to run. Her parents expressly forbid her from running outside, and she had to admit they had a point. She could figure out what was going on in close proximity thanks to her hearing aids, but she was completely vulnerable to someone coming up from behind. And the blind only daughter of a rich family was a prime target for kidnapping.

So, years ago, she'd snuck down to the rarely used gym and figured out how to work the treadmill. It was a painful process, filled with lots of falling off, scraping her knees and elbows and ankles, cussing and screaming. Eventually, she'd learned that the trick was to be as present as she could – focus on keeping pace with the machine and not getting distracted. If she kept that, she could run for hours. Unlike the rest of her rich, flabby family, Toph could be a professional athlete, if not for…yeah.

The song had changed. Green Day now throbbed through the speakers. Hear the sound of the falling rain, coming down like an Armageddon flame, the shame, the ones who died without a name –

All of her teenage angst years were coming back to her, all the nights that she spent sobbing and drinking and cutting open her own skin with scissors, attempting to make sense of all the bullshit. She found herself singing along, not caring who would hear –

"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies – this is the dawning of the rest of our liiiiiives…on holiday!"

And suddenly it was all merging into one painful memory, the alcohol, the drugs, getting punched in the face by various fighters and cousins and bullies, the first time that her own fist made contact, the feeling of elation, the terror when she was at that party last year, some big guy with no name and no face, pushing her tiny little body into a room and taking off her pants, the absolute terror of things, things she couldn't name, things that happened, fingers touching places that should never be touched, that time when the whole world was even darker than before, putting her panties back on without crying, fist on flesh, scissors on flesh, blood on flesh –

And then flesh on flesh, the warmth of Sokka's skin, his gentle fingers that slowly opened her doors, the way that he kissed her like she actually had a soul worth saving…

"Just cause, just cause, because we're outlaws, yeah!"

She screamed 'outlaws' because that's all she'd ever been, an outlaw in her family, an outlaw in society, and that's all she'd ever be, because for some fucked up reason, nobody wanted to give the smart, capable girl a chance, just cause she couldn't see –

I can see! I can see better than any of you! I can see through your bullshit, the façade, the sugar-coated lies! I can see that we're all just trying to climb our mountains, and none of us are willing to help anyone out!

Except for Sokka. And Katara, and Aang. They were willing. They didn't even know her. Thick legs pounded the treadmill, sweat forming on her bangs, her arms pumping out a rhythm. She pushed it up a notch, going faster than she normally had, her muscles straining to keep up with the pace.

I've been here a few times – and I'm quite aware we're dying…

And suddenly her eyes teared up. This was her favorite song in junior high; it had gotten her through many nights of tears.

"Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always, kiss you, taste you, all night, always…"

Could she have it? Could this boy with the handsome voice be it? Could she maybe have someone to share always with her?

Oh, my God, am I in love with this kid?

It happened too fast for her to react – her foot slipped, she went down hard, the treadmill flipped her off, she landed on her hands and knees on the floor, panting.

"Shit!" She gritted her teeth against the pain and felt around. Her left knee stung when she touched it, and her fingers came back sticky. "Shit-shit-shit!"

She reached out for something to pull herself back up, but the treadmill moved beneath her fingers, pushing her back, she fell down against the floor, "Goddamn it!" Frustrated, infuriated, she reached up, finally found the edge of the supports, hauled herself to her feet, but there was something in the way –

She tripped, her toes catching, and went back down – "Godfuckingdamn it!" She pulled herself to her hands and knees and suddenly couldn't take it anymore.

"Fuck-fuck-fuck-shit-shit-goddamn it!"

Tears streamed down her face and she started screaming, her fists punching out randomly, trying to desperately to get herself to her feet, "Shit-shit-shit-shit!" Sobs tore from her mouth, raw and wet, as she crawled around, suddenly a five-year-old child again, as everything she'd known and loved had vanished and the world became black and cold, running around the house screaming and sobbing, hurting herself as she ran into everything, finally finding a corner and sitting there sobbing for days, not coming out, not eating, just sobbing, why, God, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

The door burst open and she heard Song's voice. "Toph! Sweetie, what's wrong?"

She held out her hand and just sobbed. Song walked quickly up, but Toph shook her head.

"Toph – "

"FUCK!" She screamed, reaching out desperately, where was she? Where was anything? She hadn't had a panic attack like this in years, but she was so fucking scared, where was everything? She couldn't see, she didn't know, she was lost in this cold, black world, she would die in this cold world –

"WHY?" She screamed, her voice raw and filled with pain, curling up into herself, wrapping her arms around herself, "WHY? This is bullshit! I didn't ask for this! This doesn't make any sense! Nothing makes sense!"

Song stepped forward carefully, but Toph just screamed and scooted back, how did she know she wouldn't be hurt again, just like that boy with no name and no face, what if – oh, God, what if Sokka –

"Fuck…fuck…fuck…" Her screams descended into panicked swears, curled up on that cold floor, scared and blind and hating herself and everything around her. She let her head rest on the floor and just cried, years' worth of unspent tears falling out to the floor. This was a cruel, cruel world.

Eventually Song managed to get close without Toph pushing her away. In truth, Toph didn't have the strength to push her away. Song, slowly, so as not to freak her out, gently picked up Toph's head and rested it in her lap. Then she stroked her back in slow, slow circles, bringing her panicked breathing down.

She closed her eyes and kept crying. Music kept playing in the background.

By the way, I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for…

Song didn't say anything. Just kept stroking, so, so softly.

Finally, Toph said, in a tired voice, "You're really good at this."

"Well," Song said softly, "I used to do this for you all the time. I haven't seen you this bad in years though."

"It's been a hard weekend," Toph murmured. Her fingers reached out to clasp Song's.

"Wanna talk about it?"

'No' was the immediate answer, but somehow, Toph spoke anyway. "I had sex with Sokka. At the party on Friday."

Song didn't stop stroking. She didn't say anything.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Lord, no, sweetie. As long as you used protection and you both wanted to, I don't care. I just want to make sure you're okay. I heard you screaming from all the way upstairs."

Toph was too tired to react. All the screaming had tuckered her out and so she just laid her head down on Song's lap and let the tears leak out.

"You know what happened last year, right?" she said. "When I went to that MMA party in April?"

"I guessed."

"And you know about…you know…when I…why I had those scissors in the bathroom?"

"Another guess, sweetie."

"And you know about…you know…those pills weren't…mine."

"Yes, sweetie."

She closed her eyes and pressed her face against Song's skin. "I'm a terrible liar."

"No, babe, you're a great liar. I just see you naked more often than you realize."

"Oh." Toph realized that she'd never actually known what she looked like after each of those events. "How could you…?"

"In April…you were bruised. Down there. And frankly, you didn't make a whole lot of effort to hide the cuts."

"Oh."

Song started stroking her hair now, brushing her soft bangs away from her face. Toph had always liked that it didn't matter how long her hair was, because she never had to worry about it covering her eyes and preventing her from seeing. She loved the feeling of her eyelashes tickling her bangs. But now, when they were pushed back from her face, she kinda liked that too.

"You know, sweetie," Song said, "the world's not fair, and we all know that. But you can still be honest about how much it sucks sometimes. You don't have to keep it all bottled up."

"I just want to leave," she whispered. "I want to run far, far away. It doesn't matter where I go. I just wish I could see where to go. I hate taking these small steps. I hate always being afraid of falling."

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what you're going through."

And finally, that was it. That was all Toph wanted. For someone else to admit that this was hard, that she was fighting an uphill battle that she would fight for the rest of her life, and that it was okay to get tired.

"I think I love him," she finally said.

"I know, honey. Let's go eat some ice cream and listen to the Beatles until it all makes sense."

Toph finally smiled and let her friend stroke her hair as the last song on her playlist finally came to a close.

And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand…when everything's made to be broken…I just want you to know who I am…

Hello lovers! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I certainly enjoyed writing this Toph feel. Was going to be an asshole and make Katara still be a bitch, but I knew all y'all'd be pissed, so I tried not to be as big of a dick and give the Kataang ship come fuel :) Songs used in this chapter: The Hell Song by Sum 41, Holiday by Green Day, Always by Blink 182, By the Way by Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. (If you could name them all by the lyrics, a big gold star for you - you probably had an angst phase in the 90s/early 2000s, and I love you for it).

Next chapter: Zuko feels? We haven't had enough. Also more of #azulaisac***, cause that's always fun. Please let me know what you think! I love the relationship I have with so many of you, and I'm really grateful! Please don't be afraid to PM me - I adore talking to my readers :) Avatard love - PVB