Chapter 14

Emilee opened her eyes and waited a minute to figure out what had woken her. She heard a low murmuring and lifted her head off of the bed. Clarke had pulled away from her in her sleep and it was obvious the blonde was having one of her nightmares. Emilee had been afraid of that and knew they would be bad because of what had happened that morning. She knew the familiar faces would have stirred up emotions that Clarke had been trying to figure out how to deal with. She scooted closer to her friend and began whispering in her ear. She hoped that she could calm her down before things became worse. She remembered the other night in her house when the girl's screams had brought Tobi running to see what was wrong. She didn't want that to happen again. Not here in the middle of a camp with hundreds of warriors. Her friend had been through enough today. Normally the gentle rubbing of Clarke's arm or back would quiet her, but not today. Emilee wrapped her arms around Clarke but this caused the sky girl to begin thrashing around. Her mumbling was incoherent but Emilee thought she made out the words "don't touch me". Emilee sighed and decided to try and wake the blonde. The mumbling turned to screams and Clarke bolted upright. Emilee was right there to hold her. She sensed her soothing words finally getting through as the girl's breathing began to return to normal.

Clarke woke up and struggled with her mind to make sense of what was going on. She couldn't remember what the nightmare had been about, but she was sure that was what it , a nightmare. She vaguely remembered green eyes and a hand on her arm, but her mind was so confused she didn't know if it was from her dream or a memory. She could hear Emilee's voice in her ear and could feel her hand rubbing gently against her back. She closed her eyes and fought against the terror that had gripped her. She tried to slow her breathing to get it back under control. Her hands were around Emilee's back and her fists were clenched in the brunette's shirt. Clarke felt another familiar presence, one that was just as comforting as Emilee's. She looked up to see Lexa standing there. She could see care and concern in the Commander's features. There was something else there too that Clarke couldn't place. Her blue eyes locked onto the green ones in front of her and in that moment she wanted more than anything to forget about the hurt and the betrayal and to turn to the calming presence of the Commander she had grown close to during their time together. She knew that despite everything, Lexa would understand the blood that covered her hands. Would understand and probably be able to help her face the demons that haunted her. She was about to speak when those green eyes left her own and flickered to the floor. Then Lexa turned around and was gone.

"Lexa, wait."

Silence was the only answer Clarke received and the tears flooded her eyes again. She pulled herself tighter against Emilee.

"How did everything get so messed up?"

"Things will work out, Clarke."

"I don't know if it's possible anymore. Lexa looked like she was concerned about me, but then she just left. She left me again. She looked...I'm not sure. Something was wrong."

Emilee thought about their position for a minute. "It's obvious that she cares about you. I think that her leaving is my fault."

Clarke pulled back slightly. "This isn't your fault, Emilee. You haven't done anything. This is all because of the decisions that I made."

"Clarke, I don't think she expected to see me with you and definitely not like this." Emilee gestured between the two of them. "If someone didn't know the close friendship we have, I'm sure they could easily misunderstand the situation. It would be very easy for someone to think that there was more than friendship between us."

It took a minute for the realization to hit Clarke. That wasn't anything she had ever thought of. "She thinks we're together. I told her I wasn't ready to be with anyone and now she thinks that I'm with you. That I've been with you."

"Would you like to go talk to her?"

"I know that I need to but I'm still angry and hurt. I don't know how to get over that. I don't know how to talk to her. I had to do things I never thought I would ever do because she left me. I would have made the same choice if it was given to me. In a way I did. I sacrificed hundreds to save a few. The difference is that I would have talked to her about it first. I really don't deserve anyone."

Emilee placed a hand on the side of Clarke's cheek. "I'm sure that once you give yourself the chance to talk to her that you will see the way to start to set things right. You are so much greater than you give yourself credit of being. I know it's so hard to see past the blood and the hurt. You were strong enough to make the choices that very few would have been able to. You're not the monster you think you are, Clarke. If you were then there is no way I would ever have become your friend. I could never allow myself to love a monster."

Emilee's smirk and teasing words at her attempt to lighten the mood worked and a low chuckle spilled its way out of Clarke's mouth. She placed a hand on top of Emilee's that was still on her cheek. "I don't know what I would do without you. You have been so understanding and giving with me. Not to mention patient. Not everyone would willingly sleep next to someone knowing their nightmares would wake them up at night. You have accepted me for who I am and what I have done without question. I love you too, Emilee."

"I don't think that you realize that you came into my life when I needed you as much as you needed me. You have helped me more than I think I could ever really explain. You have given me the strength and courage I needed to see who I am supposed to be."

Emilee could see the question in Clarke's eyes and was going to explain more when Tobi walked in.

"It's time to get ready. We will be leaving soon. I brought some food. Eat and then we'll get going." Tobi gave them both a smile as he handed them the food he had brought.

Clarke was riding silently between Tobi and Emilee. It had been hours since they had set out and during that time she had tried several times to get closer to the Commander, but it seemed like Lexa was avoiding her. The brunette always moving away when Clarke drew near to wherever she was. They would reach their stopping spot soon. From there they would carry out their plan of attack against the bandits. She saw Octavia walking a little bit ahead of her and sighed. Maybe now would be a good time to talk to her one time friend. She caught Emilee's eye and then nodded her head towards Octavia. Emilee knew what she meant and gave her a small smile and a nod in return. Clarke quickened the pace of her horse until she was alongside the younger girl and then quickly dismounted. She walked in front of her horse to the other side, switching the reins to her left hand as she did so that she was walking right next to Octavia. She gave Lincoln, who was walking alongside the brunette a nod in greeting. He smiled and moved slightly away from the two, giving them a little privacy. Octavia glanced at Clarke and waited for the blonde to begin speaking.

"I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to talk before. I knew I would run into you since I saw you at Knoxville and I was prepared for that, but seeing Lexa kind of threw me a little and I needed a moment."

Octavia looked at Clarke and noticed the tears that were glimmering in her eyes. Her own eyes began to fill up. She was so grateful to finally have the chance to clear the air between them.

"I was so angry, Clarke. I had finally started feeling like I had found a place that I belonged and then having the Commander's betrayal take that away from me. I wanted so much to leave with Indra but I couldn't leave my brother in that place. I was already hurt by you being ok with sacrificing the people at Tondc, at you sacrificing me. I've never had friends before and it hurt that you would so willingly leave me to die." She quickly raised her hand to stop Clarke from speaking. "I've had a lot of time to think about everything. I know that the decision you made ate at you and knowing you, I'm quite certain that you tried to do things differently. I know how much you care about everyone. How much you try and fix things for everyone. I didn't understand that then. I thought that after what we had been through that I didn't mean anything to you. I know now though that I do. Ryder told me what you did to save me. Thank you for sticking up for me and for not letting him kill me. After thinking about it I know that I would have made the same decision if I was in your position. Keeping Bellamy's presence in Mount Weather was more important than anything else. I'm sorry that I took everything out on you. I didn't mean what I said. I know that it hasn't been easy on you. None of it was. It seemed like there was nothing but hard decisions you had to make and that you were just doing the best you could for everyone. You could have accepted defeat when Lexa withdrew her army but you were still determined to save our friends."

"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, O. I did consider you a friend. I still do. If you still want my friendship." Clarke's voice was heavy with emotion.

"Of course I do. I wanted to go look for you. I wanted to bring you back home. Your mom wouldn't let anyone go out though. When I had the chance to join Indra to deal with these bandits I didn't hesitate. I think I drove Lincoln crazy with how I would look for the smallest sign of you anywhere. I would see the smallest thing and try to connect it to you somehow. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was. I felt that if I hadn't have been so hard on you that you wouldn't have walked away like you did."

Remorse was evident in sky leader's blue eyes. "I didn't mean to just leave. I couldn't stay though. I wasn't able to deal with what I had to do in the mountain. Having to see everyone every day, having to constantly be reminded of what I did would have killed me. It almost did anyway. I haven't been able to deal with it very well. If it wasn't for Emilee I would still be a complete mess. Having her friendship has helped so much. I've been able to focus on other things and not be constantly haunted by all the lives that I have taken. Lately I've realized how much I miss everyone. How much I miss you. I wasn't sure if I would ever see you again."

Octavia stopped walking and grabbed Clarke's arm. She pulled the blonde into a quick embrace that caught her by surprise. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Clarke."

The two girls both smiled at that and continued walking.

"How is everyone? How is my mom?" Clarke wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer but she had worked up the courage to ask anyway.

"She misses you. She made me promise that I would look for you. I know that she wanted to send people to find you but there were so many other things that needed to be done. She couldn't afford to send anyone after you. She said if I found you to tell you that she loves you and that she finally understands. That she's sorry she didn't before. She asked me to bring you home but that she would understand if you couldn't return yet, but to let you know that there will always be a place for you there when you were ready."

Lincoln watched the two girls as they talked. He knew how much it meant to Octavia to not just find Clarke but to apologize to her. He hoped that they would be able to build their friendship back up. He had always admired Clarke's strength as a leader. She had always had his respect. Saving his life had nothing to do with that. He was shocked to see how much the sky girl had changed in her absence. His respect and admiration for her had only grown. He slowly walked back closer to the two girls as they continued to talk about Camp Jaha and their friends.

"You know that they call you Wanheda, the commander of death?"

Sadness appeared on Clarke's face as she processed what Octavia had told her. When she finally spoke her voice was barely more than a whisper but Octavia heard her anyway. "I am. It's not who I want to be, but it is who I am. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I am surrounded by death. I am the cause of it." She slightly raised her hands up and looked at them. "My hands are so covered in blood and yet I can't help but to add to it." Clarke thought of something that she had read on the Ark what now seemed like a life time ago. Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you. "I'm a monster, a monster full of empty blackness and death. No matter how hard I try not to be, I am death."

Octavia didn't know how to respond to that. Not having been around Clarke for so long meant she didn't really know what the blonde had been going through. She kind of had an idea, but had no way of knowing for certain. She knew that things couldn't have been easy for Clarke since she left. She finally replied the only way she knew how. "Well, I think they call you that because you look like death. Seriously, Clarke, you look like shit." Octavia bumped her shoulder against Clarke's.

Clarke actually snorted. God, she had missed Octavia, blunt sarcasm and all. "I know I do. It...hasn't been...easy." Clarke chose her words carefully. She wasn't sure how much she was ready to talk about at this moment. Talking about everyone back at Camp Jaha had been draining enough. Octavia seemed willing to listen though and so she figured what the hell, it certainly couldn't make things worse. "It was almost too much to bear. No, that's not quite true. It has been too much. When I left I almost..." Her voice broke. She fiddled with the reins she held in her hand. It was too hard to meet Octavia's eyes so she looked at the ground in front of her. "I wiped out an entire civilization, Octavia. All of them. I couldn't stop seeing their burned and blistered skin, and the look of agony that was frozen on their faces as they died. The children...I know the children weren't the only innocents but it didn't matter because I killed them all. I couldn't live with that, so I was going to...I couldn't let that be my last thought, so I didn't. I wanted to every day though and every night. Nights are worse. It got to a point where I would put off sleep as long as possible, but even during the day they are there. Always with me. Always asking me why. Always there." Clarke spared a glance over her shoulder. She could see Emilee and Tobi still side by side and seemingly deep in conversation. Turning back around, she continued talking. "It's been better since I met Emilee. She is the only reason that I can sleep at all and that I haven't gone completely insane."

Octavia was shocked at Clarke's revelation. In all the time that Clarke had been gone she knew that it was a possibility that Clarke had died or been killed, but never had she thought that it could have been by the blonde's own hand. She knew that Clarke hadn't even been able to say it out loud and so she decided not to mention it further and just be grateful that Clarke has not done anything. She turned her attention back to the brunette her friend had mentioned. She had noticed the closeness that Clarke seemed to have with the grounder but didn't really have much of a chance to think about it before. "You two seem to be very close. Are you guys..."

Clarke quickly cut her off. "We're just friends. Actually, she's more like a sister. It's hard to explain. I feel so close to her, but not in that way. She understands what I'm going through and has been so patient and caring. She seems to know what I need when I need it. I know people might not understand how close we are and some may think that it is something more than what it is. I think that Lexa thinks we are together."

Octavia whipped her head around at that. "Lexa what?"

"Back at the camp when I was resting after the battle, I had a nightmare. I think she heard me screaming. I guess I do that when the nightmares are really bad. Anyway, when I was coming out of it, I saw her there. She saw Emilee in bed with me and she didn't say anything. She just turned and walked out."

"Hang on. Why were you in bed with Emilee? You said you two are just friends."

"I promise we are. I told you that nights are worse for me. The nightmares don't let me sleep much. I was staying out on my own but Emilee recently convinced me to move to Knoxville. I have been staying with her. My nightmares would wake her up and she would come to my room and help bring me out of it and get me back to sleep. I felt bad for waking her up all the time and we decided that it would just be easier to share a bed. Having her there just to hold me helps keeps the nightmares away. Most of the time I can actually sleep through most of the night. It seems when I have some kind of stress going on that it makes them worse. Like when I saw you and Lincoln at Knoxville and today seeing Lexa."

"I'm glad you have her, Clarke. I'm glad you haven't been entirely alone. We both know what that's like."

Clarke noticed the army ahead of them had begun to stop. She knew it was time for the scouts to set off. She said a quick goodbye to Octavia and mounted her horse as soon as Emilee and Tobi had caught up to her. They had been the logical choices for the scouts since they had been to the bandit's camp before. The three headed off towards the front of the army where she knew Lexa was waiting to give them final instructions.