A/N

I am soooooooo epicly sorry. Please don't hate me? I went on camp, radical stuff happened in my life, my computer died then was brought back to life and then school went balistic on me. -_-' Now I'm back, and updating regularly. So sorry. Maybe re-read the last chapter to help it make sense? Sorry Sorrry Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy

A/N over :)

Chapter 13: The Getaway

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
AMother Teresa

Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol

All this feels strange and untrue

and I won't waste a minute without you

My bones ache

my skin feels cold

and I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts

and I won't feel these slices and cuts

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes...

"WHAT!" I started shaking. J looked shocked, realizing her mistake. Hotch must have sheltered her from it. "Who…?"

"A young woman called Amanda Carlson"

"NO!" I shouted at her. "NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, no…it's not right, it's not right, she's not dead, she can't be dead, it's not possible and you're lying. SHE'S NOT DEAD!"

"Calm...just breathe" Emily restraining hands stopped me from jumping at her. My eyes poured tears as I sagged back into the couch.

"She had a family, a young son! What's he going to do?"

"He's with your friend Emily, she's adopting him." I sobbed uncontrollably. She and I had hung out for 4 years. We had gone water boarding together with her family, we had gotten ready and gone to formal with our group. I had helped her pick a dress, combed her hair and fixed her makeup. I had cried with her when her boyfriend left, when she found out she was pregnant and helped her through the toughest years of her life. JJ rubbed my back, holding one hand and Garcia held the other. I grabbed and quickly poured myself a glass of tequila. I needed the pain numbed. I couldn't go on like this, feeling so painful. It had to numb.

Emily watched as Nikita took her second full glass of tequila.

"Niki..." she lifted her hand to stop her from drinking it.

"Don't" she growled as she sculled it.

"It numbs my pain" I said. We finished off my movie in silence, but I could tell they were put off from my explosion. The alcohol wasn't working. The pain was still there, I could feel it throbbing in my heart.

"Girls, they wanna have fu-un oh girls just wanna have fu-u-un" I belted out into a hairbrush. I softly gathered the top layers of Amanda's hair and plaited them lightly, bobby-pinning it into her bun. She looked gorgeous, her soft red dress setting off her lighter red hair. I spun her around on the wheeled chair and picked up the makeup pallet. Gently I patted powder over her freckled face and applied a dusting of blush. Drawing on her eyeliner, I grabbed the red-pink eyeliner and blended it with the eye shadow as I worked.

"It's gorgeous!" She exclaimed as whirled around to hug me softly. Emily sat me promptly in the chair and started on my hair.

"So Mandy, how's Romeo?" I asked mischievously. She blushed furiously and laughed nervously.

"There you go, perfect!" I laughed loudly.

"Have I mentioned how much I hate you?"

"Love you too Mandy!"

I laughed softly as Reese Witherspoon got the guy. The girls shot me a questioning look but said nothing. We were all too intoxicated to go anywhere so I grabbed them some extra blankets from the linen cupboard. I gave JJ and Garcia my bed and Emily and I could have to couch. Emily was setting up the blankets while I went and got changed. I had lent the girls some old sweatpants and bed shirts for the night. I went into the bathroom to get changed and it was then that I caught my reflection.

"Man, Girl! You look like crap" I put my hands on either side of the basin and looked softly up. It was my fault Amanda was dead. It was my fault that Jacob would have to grow up without her. It was my entire fault! If I had...I don't know...done something, all those years ago. If I hadn't been so self centred, maybe he never would have gotten violent. If I had only seen what he would have done, that time he asked, then I would have. I felt so dirty. Amanda's blood was on my hands, figuratively. I opened the cupboard and knelt down. I needed to feel alive. I found the small parcel I was looking for and stood up again, closing the doors. It had been years since I had done this, I shouldn't have to do it now.

"You swore yourself off this, Niki, you don't have to do it again. You're better than this" a small part of my brain attempted to reason with me. No. I wasn't better than anything. I didn't deserve what I had. I was nothing. With those thoughts I cut down hard on my wrist. Blood seeped quickly from the wound and I felt that longed for release. The physical pain reminded me I was alive, like when you pinch yourself after a dream to make sure you're awake. A tear seeped from my eye and I made a second cut, perfectly aligned with the first. It was almost relaxing, the physiological release of the cuts. Amanda didn't hurt so much now. There was a tension, a build up of anger and sadness. I released that tension through whatever means necessary. Psych 101. My breathing calmed and I packed away the razor blades again. I made the typical promise to myself, the one I make every time. I won't do it again. I tugged my long sleeved sleeping shirt over the cuts and brushed my hair.

Emily woke up to go to the bathroom later that night. They had gotten to bed at a reasonable hour, and now the early morning moon beamed through the window. As she lifted herself off the couch, she saw Niki mumble in her sleep and roll over, laying one palm face up on her side. Emily saw, as plain as day, two red cuts on her left wrist. Gasping, she ran a soft finger over them. One of the cuts beaded with blood and she grabbed a tissue and dabbed it away. She couldn't believe it. Well, actually she could, now that she thought about it. Niki drank so she can forget about her emotions, and when it doesn't work she cuts. That's why she is always the one with a glass. She drinks because she's nervous, upset, depressed, angry and sometimes just for fun. With those disturbing thoughts she went into the bathroom. There, around the rim of the drain in the sink, were traces of red.

When I woke, Emily was still asleep on the couch. I went upstairs and checked on Garcia and JJ, who were still fast asleep. I had a shower, the hot water scorching my skin before I realised I was shivering. Getting out of the shower, I dried my hair and pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, putting a wristband on my arm. I wasn't ashamed of my problem, but it would just be easier like that. I was making eggs on toast with tomatoes and cheese when Emily woke up.

"Coffee?" I asked her from the frying pan with a faked bright tone.

"Sure" she said guardedly from the other side of the room.

"Geez, I'm not going to break on you" I joked as I handed her the steaming mug a few minutes later.

"Are you so sure?" she asked suddenly, her eyes wary.

"Yes" I replied, touching my wrist instinctively. If all else were to crumble, I at least knew inside myself that I would never fail at this job. I'd invested too much of myself over too many years. JJ descended to staircase at that moment and I could tell she was in need of caffeine too. Making her a mug, I set it on the bench and headed upstairs mutely. Shaking Garcia, she literally jumped as she woke.

"God, Nikita what the hell is the time?" her bed hair looked amusing but I didn't comment.

"6. We have to be at the office by 7." Garcia got up tiredly and I headed out to the kitchen. After I served up the eggs and another batch of coffee, the girls headed to their respective places to change and we would meet at the office in an hour. I was going to Australia. After all this time, I was going back to finish unfinished business. I was going to see my BFFL's again, something I hadn't gone in nearly 5 years now. While packing my 'go' bag, I remembered to text the team to bring clothes for warmer weather. While it may be getting cooler here, in Australia it's getting towards the warmest months. I packed my bikini and boardies as well as the usual. By the time I caught the train and got to work, I was running slightly late. By 7:10 I was just getting into the bullpen and I stopped to see that I was one of the first here. I must have gotten the time wrong. Hotch exited his office with an older man at his side. When he glanced at me, I saw the brief flicker of original observance, but then kindness and, I guess you'd say, I could see a wise soul behind the kind demeanour.

"Nikita, this is Agent Jason Gideon"

"Hi! I'm Dr Nikita Kostaschuk. Just call me Nikita, my last names way too long for my own good." Her laugh was captivating, and her mannerisms clearly spoke of an extroverted personality. He could also see she was hurting, and he couldn't blame her. He knew what it was like to lose someone close. On top of that, she had to deal with catching the man who had abused her for, what he was sure, felt like an eternity to her.

"Sorry I'm late, sir" I read the initial report from the first investigation.

"No problem, lets start" he looked to JJ, who looked at Emily, who looked at me. I took a deep breath and JJ started.

"Originally, there were 20 victims, all late teens to early twenties: all with mid-length sandy blonde hair, same sort of facial features. They were all found on the various beaches of the Gold Coast raped, beaten and stabbed. A young woman came to the local police station and provided the police with a viable suspect, her boyfriend. He was arrested and eventually convicted. She had suffered violent and prolonged abuse. The killer, Peter Combes, has recently escaped jail. He has killed an old school friend..."

"Amanda wasn't just an old school friend. We were close, she was a good friend. He knew that."

"Okay, close friend of the girlfriend. Her name...this is really weird talking about Nikita like she's another victim."

"I am just another victim" I said softly. Glances came from the team, but Rossi looked the most worried.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Robert Heinlein