Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer own twilight, not me.
It was ten to nine. Ten minutes before I would go down and knowingly make a big spectacle of myself. I would be pretending to be drunk. It was a simple plan to carry; Esme and Elizabeth drained the alcohol beverages (it was for a good cause so nothing entirely was at lost) and filled the bottles with apple juice. We were going to drink the affected bottles and the men would be drinking the unaffected bottles.
Nothing would be screwed up; Esme scratched the affected bottles' labels with her nails to let us to know which to drink and we can easily steer the men into the right direction; the real alcohol.
While they did that a couple of hours ago, Victoria and Tanya laid out our clothes for us to wear and I seriously don't know how they did this but they actually put microphones and cameras into our clothes so everything will be recorded. Smart huh? I know this seems like something out of an action movie or something and you're wondering how on earth they managed to get that equipment, let me assure you this is real. Well, I think it is.
Anyway, while everyone was doing easy tasks, I had the worst. I was assigned to distract the boys, which was not an easy task. Every time I tried to speak, Edward cut in and every time I tried to talk over Edward, James talked over me. That cycle basically repeated itself until I left the room when I saw Esme and Elizabeth walk past.
Five to nine. In five minutes, I would be drinking apple juice and pretending it's alcohol. After five minutes I would be harassing Edward- in a good and beneficial way.
Now you must be thinking 'she's not drunk but is she on drugs?'. I'm sober and will be sober all night, but none of the men will know that, especially Edward. And you also might be wondering why in hell am I not letting Edward get drunk. It's simple really, the first day I met Edward he shocked me with his lines and now it was my turn to get the same reaction (or a better one) from him.
It was exactly nine o'clock. I walked as gracefully as I could downstairs and to the sitting room. I first saw Edward alone on the sofa with a drink in his hand. Just because we didn't want him drunk didn't mean he couldn't drink. He would be suspicious every time if we pushed him away from the drinks' table.
On another sofa I saw Victoria and James who looked comfy in each other's embrace. It would have looked even more cuter if James stopped fidgeting. I then captured Esme and Carlisle near the window, Carlisle was ogling Esme while she was being tipsy. She was a good actress; she could have fooled me. Esme then fell into Carlisle's arms and he lead her out of the room.
Elizabeth and Edward Senior weren't in the room but I was sure things were going smoothly wherever they were. Near the drinks' table I saw Tanya holding Laurent who seemed to lose his balance with every step he took. The party started without me! And how much did Laurent drink?! When they passed me to go out the room, he started muttering about toilets and sandwiches. I don't even see how they could be related in a sentence (unless you drop a sandwich into a toilet).
It was only me, Edward, Victoria and James in the room. It was a good thing Edward didn't realise me coming in, I could have fooled him on how much I drank. I personally thought Edward's focus wasn't even in this room.
I got an empty cup and filled it with apple juice and took a sip. I also took a sip of alcohol so Edward could smell alcohol hot on my breath. I didn't know what the beverage was but the bitter and strong taste dominated my taste buds. No wonder the targets were already drunk by the time I got there; one cup of this stuff could be like four or five units.
I took another sip of the alcohol. How could people possibly enjoy this stuff? I've drank alcohol before and me drinking alcohol is rare but I have a funny feeling I'll never forget the taste of this drink.
I staggered my way to Edward.
This warning came a little bit too late but who cares? Warning: this is for entertainment purposes only and if you laugh, I'll sic Alice on you. She might be tiny and pixie-like but she's a tough cookie. So laugh at Edward, not me.
I pushed Edward's chest and straddled myself on his lap. I was more comfortable than the last time I straddled him.
"Hey Edward!" I said enthusiastically (I'm drunk remember?). Edward's eyes widened in disbelief.
"You're happy to see me. Are you drunk?" Edward questioned me.
"I think sooooooooooo," I slurred. "Hey Edward, will you marry me?" Get ready for discomfort Edward!
"Why do you want to marry me?" His eyes were still wide but something glimmered in them, I think something like hope. Keep dreaming Romeo!
"When people ask me…….why I…..committed adultery….I'll say my husband's an ASS."
"Then why would you marry me if I'm an 'ass'?"
"You have a nice ass…..nice and assy. I like big BUTTS and I can not LIE, you other brothers can not deny…..I like big BUTTS and I can not li-"
"Stop, you're making a fool of yourself. So if I said yes will you still marry me?"
"Not anymore you ass! Your dick has been wedged up in your ass so high, when you pisssssssssssss you jump up ten feet in the air."
I was making a fool of myself (and of Edward); apparently James and Victoria had been eavesdropping. James had a weird and creepy baby look on him and Victoria was muffling her giggles. Maybe a 'drunk' Bella was funny.
But if I was really drunk, I would be acting worser than this or worser than what was going to come up. Some people get violent when drunk, I'm never violent; sober or out of my mind. But who knows what I'll do if Edward's in front of me and I've got a baseball bat in my hands. Probably beat him to the size of a pulp……Let's not get distracted.
Now I was going to play the master card or the gold card or whatever.
"Hey Edward! I wish I had maths homework like you because you'd be hard and I'd be doing you on my desk."
Edward's eyes widened more if that was possible. And his mouth was hanging open. He looked similar to yesterday evening, when the bear was behind me. To tell you the truth, Edward looked like a lamb; lost and well….innocent. My lines were getting better to.
"You hit on me….First time without me starting it," he managed to get out. I laughed, hysterically and manically. I sounded like a hyena in pain.
"Edward, you look like a laaamb. A lamb! Mary had a little LAMB, a little LAM- no Edward had a little LA- no Edward IS a little LAMB, a little LAMB….Awww man! I forgot how it goes. Do you know how it goes Edward? Baaa! BAAA!" I was screaming like an idiot and making feeble animal sounds.
Edward gave no reply, he was just staring at me like I was mentally unbalanced. I probably was.
"I'm easy, but you look haaarrd," I wailed in his ear. It didn't satisfy me. "AAHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in his ear, I mean literally screamed.
Edward flinched from the volume and jumped up. I crashed to the floor with a loud boom.
Crap, that hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if my butt is sore from the fall.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Edward growled out.
"I see you winding and grinding up on that pole, I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know I wanna fuck you, you already know I wanna fuck you, you already know."
"What-"
"My hump my hump my hump, you love my lady lumps."
"The-"
"This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
"Hell?!"
"Shoulda known shoulda cared shoulda hung around the kitchen in my underwear, acting like a lady. You shoulda made m-"
"Stop?!"
"Oops I did it again."
"Are you fuckin' stupid?!" I heard him ask me.
"I think so," I said innocently. "Oh, I'm still lying on the floor. Billy Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl who claims that I am the ONE!"
"ENOUGH!"
"Never heard of Michael Jackson?" I asked cheekily.
"I have, your singing is just plain awful."
Awww! What a girl wants to hear.
"I wasn't singing; I was talking," I muttered.
"I. Don't. Care."
Fine! Then he won't mind me continuing.
"Yeah you, PMS like a bitch I would know."
"Would you fucking stop?!" He's pissed! Never thought strong such strong language would come out of his flirty lips.
"O.K!" I cheered.
He walked out of the room and I heard Victoria and James chuckling. I walked out and followed Edward up the stairs. He went into a room which I thought was his and I entered.
"Your room is nice Eddie-boy," I complimented. It was true; the walls which were a dark colour contrasted with the carpet which seemed to be a light yellow colour. Everything was contrasted in this house, or mansion.
"Shut up," he growled.
"I love you I love you I love you, there's no other way-"
Edward who was in the other side of the room rushed to my side and attacked my lips. It was rough but I felt tingles on my skin. He stopped and began sucking on my neck. I moaned.
"Bella," he whispered huskily, " I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden."
Crap! Was he hinting on, gulp, sex?
"How do you like your eggs? Fertilised?"
I was pretending to be drunk in front of him, was he going to take advantage of me in my 'state'?
What if he knew?!
He began stroking my cheek with one hand and with the other, he was scooping my backside.
I was stuck. I couldn't breathe. If I rejected him, he would be positive I was fooling with him and if I had sex with him, it would seem like he won and all of it would be recorded by the microphone and possibly the camera! And everybody would see it! I was doomed!
"Shit! I need to go to the toilet. Stay here love, I'll be back in two ticks."
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
I was saved! I started laughing. Edward was one strange guy; before sex he had to go to the toilet. Who does that? I heard the toilet flushing and a tap running.
Crap! I wasn't saved yet. What was I going to do now?!
'I like big butts.....'- Baby got back by Sir Mix-a-Lot.
'I see you winding and grinding up on that pole......'- I wanna fuck you by Akon.
'My hump my hump my hump....'- My humps by Black Eyed Peas.
'This shit is bananas....'- Hollaback girl by Gwen Stefani.
'Shoulda known shoulda cared.......'- The show by Girls Aloud.
'Oops I did it again'- Oops I did it again by Britney Spears.
'Billy Jean is not my lover.......'- Billy Jean by Michael Jackson.
'Yeah you, PMS.....'- Hot 'N' Cold by Katy Perry.
'I love you I love you.......'- These words by Natasha Bedingfield.