A/N: Hello lovelies! I hope you all are doing well. You've got quite a long chapter ahead of you this week, but it's one that I'm very excited about and I've been anxiously awaiting the day it would be going up.
I hope you all love it as much as I do.
This is quite possibly my favorite chapter that I've written so far. Enjoy xx
"What If We Rewrite the Stars? Say You Were Made to Be Mine"
The next day, Emily couldn't help the crappy mood she was in. She had just paid her tuition for the following semester and the reality of it all was really starting to settle in. She knew she should be happy about being this close to graduating, but she wasn't, she was miserable. Before thinking better of herself, she quickly reached for her phone and called the only person she wanted to talk to.
"Emily?" came from the other end of the phone almost immediately.
"Hey," was all Emily could say, her voice as small as she felt.
Alison immediately went into overdrive, the sound of Emily's upset voice sending a piercing pain though her chest, "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Not really. Can I come over? I wanna be near you."
"Elliot's home," was all Alison could choke out, her heart breaking for Emily.
"Oh, never mind," Emily quickly responded, ready to hang up, "forget I said anything."
"Wait," Ali said, "Let's go for a drive. I'll pick you up."
"It's okay, Ali. You don't have to," Emily said, burrowing further into her bed.
"No, I want to! Come on, I'll pick up snacks. And we can go to Lookout Point, you used to love it there," Alison pleaded, already changing her clothes and getting her purse together.
"Are you sure?"
"Are you kidding? Of course, I'm sure. I'll pick you up in 20 minutes."
Alison quickly hung up the phone and ran downstairs. She didn't know why Emily was upset but she just knew that she needed to be there, in whatever way Emily needed right now.
And 20 minutes later, Alison was pulling up to Emily's house, bags filled with all kinds of candy and treats sitting in her back seat. She immediately sent out an "I'm here" text to Emily and waited patiently for the front door to open.
And if she didn't have every inch of Emily committed to memory, Alison never would have recognized the person who walked out the front door and sat in the front seat of her car.
"Hi," Alison said, moving to get her purse from the passengers seat and throw it in the back. Emily didn't respond, she only gave a shy smile in Alison's direction as she buckled her seatbelt.
Ali made no attempt to move. She took in Emily's face, her cheeks were red and her eyes were puffy. Alison's heart ached as she caught a glimpse at the bandages on Emily's fingertips, knowing that Emily only ever bit her nails when she was truly upset. Emily continued to just stare out the window, sniffling to herself every few seconds.
Ali felt tears spring to her eyes, she would give anything to know what was making Emily so upset, and she'd do anything to make sure it didn't happen again. She moved to tuck pieces of Emily's hair behind her ear, letting her hand rest on Emily's cheek, gently caressing the soft skin with her thumb. Emily immediately leaned into Alison's touch and closed her eyes, her lip beginning to quiver.
"Hey," Alison said again, waiting for Emily's eyes to meet hers, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Maybe later," Emily said, turning her head to press a firm kiss to Alison's palm. She reached up and grabbed Ali's hand, bringing it to her lap and holding it with both of hers, "I just wanted to be near you right now."
Ali quickly put the car in drive and drove down Emily's street, her hand immediately falling back into Emily's as if it's something they've done for years. Every so often Ali could feel Emily's eyes on her and that sent a feeling though Alison that she still couldn't put into words. She knew that all of this was going too far and that her friendship with Emily would soon be over as they knew it, but this was something so wrong that couldn't help but feel so right.
What felt like a lifetime for Alison but was really just moments later, they were driving up the winding road that lead to Lookout Point. Alison remembered the first time that her and Emily took a drive up here, they'd watched the sun set and built a bonfire when they got cold. Emily, of course, immediately started roasting marshmallows to cure her sweet tooth as Alison laid under the stars and tried her hardest to find constellations.
Ali parked at the edge of the cliff and opened up the back door of her car, retrieving the 3 grocery bags filled with all of Emily's favorite snacks.
"I figured we'd need some supplies," Ali giggled, reaching in and grabbing 3 bags of Sour Patch Kids Watermelon gummies (Emily didn't like the regular ones), Oreos, Salt and Vinegar chips, 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and the biggest bag of marshmallows she could find.
She also reached in the back and brought forward the 6 pack of beers she'd bought, immediately cracking one open and handing it to Emily, "I figured you'd need this, too."
Emily immediately reached for Ali's hand, stilling her motions and forcing Ali to meet Emily's bloodshot and tired eyes, "Thank you."
"Anything for you, Em. You know that," Ali said, swallowing hard around the lump in her throat.
Emily pulled Alison towards her and pressed her lips firmly against Alison's. Ali could feel the slight quiver in Emily's bottom lip that let her know Emily was still crying. Ali instantly pulled her closer, knowing that Emily needed Ali close, to know that she was there, hoping that the feeling of her body's against Emily's would bring her back to earth and away from the sad universe she was stuck in. Emily immediately ran her tongue along Ali's bottom lip, a slight beg that, of course, Alison gave into. She'd give into whatever Emily needed right now but before she knew it, Emily was pulling away and starting to unwrap her pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
"Did you bring spoons?" Emily asked, in a voice that was so small that Ali wasn't so sure Emily had even said anything at all.
Ali quickly smiled and nodded, reaching into another bag from her backseat.
An hour later, the two had relocated to the backseat, their stomachs full from all the junk food that was consumed and their hearts, almost, content from just being with each other. Ali found herself staring up at the stars through her sunroof, letting her mind wander to think about how perfect this moment was. She couldn't help but glance down fondly at Emily, who had her head in Alison's lap, a blanket wrapped snuggly around both of their bodies, and was softly resting her eyes, looking as if she'd doze off any minute. Ali couldn't help but wish more than anything that they could just stay in this moment for forever, to pretend that this was what their lives turned out to be.
She let her mind wander to the what ifs. And in this moment she had her whole life in front of her, the life she would have had if she made the decisions she knew she should have. The life she'd give anything to have. That she'd give anything to go back and do things differently. In this place, with the love of her life laying in her lap, underneath the stars where hundreds of lovers had come before them, the world was perfect.
And in a perfect world, this would be their regular Friday night traditions. Taking a late night drive out here after dinner, laying underneath the stars, mesmerized by the vast space above them and each other's eyes. Then going home and spending the rest of the night wrapped in each other's arms, silent "I love you"s written on each other's skin. One day, bringing their kids out here for weekend picnics, stopping at the Kissing Rock on their way home, and putting them to bed with stories of how their mommies fell in love.
But the world is far from perfect, and Alison needed to come back to reality before she was lost completely to the idea of a little life that her and Emily could have and should have built together. Reality is where they lived, and in reality, Alison was married to someone else, although she was madly in love with the girl who stole her heart some 10 odd years ago, though she could never bring herself to admit it. She kicked herself every day for not, for if she had, things would have been so different. Things might have worked out in her favor.
"Might have" being the operative words. Who's to say that things wouldn't have ended just as badly, if not worse. Emily still would have discovered that Alison wasn't enough, she never would be enough. Emily would have figured out anyway that she was deserving of so much more than just Alison.
That, Alison thought, was inevitable.
But in this perfect little moment, where all the what ifs and the doubts and the guilt ceased to exist, Alison let herself enjoy it just for a little longer. For this was what would get her through some of the longest nights to come.
Alison almost dozed off herself until she felt Emily stir. She quickly glanced down and found Emily staring back up at her. There was a look in her eyes that Alison couldn't quite identify, but she knew that Emily was still upset. She wished she knew what to do. She wished she knew how to make it all go away like all the countless times Emily did for her.
She took a moment to take in just how beautiful Emily was, something that surprised her each and every day. There would never come a day when Alison wouldn't think that Emily was just a figment of her imagination, for one human being could not be this perfect.
Alison moved her hand down to rest on Emily's head and slowly began combing her fingers through the long and soft brunette locks. She heard Emily take in a deep breath as she looked up past Alison and through the sunroof, visibly thinking about something.
Alison decided it was time to speak up, "I'd give anything to know what's going on inside your head.
Emily fidgeted uncomfortably, immediately moving to start picking at her cuticles. She didn't say a word.
"Please," Ali tried again, "talk to me."
"You're gonna think it's dumb," was all Emily had to say, a fresh sheen of tears springing to her eyes.
"Hey," Alison said, grabbing Emily's chin and moving her head so she was forced to meet Alison's eyes, "I will never think that something that makes you upset is dumb. Let me help."
Emily took a deep breath and reached for Alison's hand. Ali gave Emily's hand a reassuring squeeze in return.
"I'm just scared," Emily said, turning her head to stare at the back of the drivers seat.
"Of what?" Alison asked, treading lightly.
"Graduating. And I know it's so dumb for me to be scared over that given literally all that we've been through, I mean I was locked up in an underground bunker for over three weeks."
Emily immediately felt Ali go rigid.
"Oh, my God, Ali. I'm sorry. That was so insensitive," Emily said, biting at her cuticle again.
"It's okay," Ali said, reaching up to grab the hand from Emily's mouth and held it in hers once more, "you're entitled. Go on."
"I don't know, I just-I'm scared."
"It's okay to be scared, Em. I don't know a single person who wasn't scared when they graduated college. It's a big step, it's normal."
"Were you scared?" Emily asked, her voice small again. Even after all of these years Emily still thought that Alison was invincible, never scared of anything.
"Terrified," Ali said, watching as Emily's eyes shot up to meet hers.
"But," Alison started again, her fingers finding their way to Emily's hair once again and seeing Emily visibly start to relax, "I was also really proud of what I had accomplished, and I knew that I was going on to do something that I really loved and was excited about. And that helped. And you should be proud of yourself, too, Em. What you conquered these past years is beyond amazing, don't sell yourself short."
"How did you do it though?" Emily started, her voice starting to waver, "How did you walk up and get your diploma without your mom there?"
Alison let out a breath and looked down fondly on Emily, it was all making sense now. "So that's what this is all about. Your dad."
Emily nodded, words failing her again.
"Well," Alison took a deep breath, trying herself not to cry thinking about her mom, "I almost didn't. It didn't feel right, getting up there and knowing that my mom wasn't going to be there in the audience watching, cheering when she heard my name being called. Even worse was when the realization that she wouldn't be there to take a picture with me afterwords or to hear her say that she was proud of me, had settled in. I felt sick the whole ceremony."
"What did you do?" Emily asked, hanging onto Alison's every word, staring deep into her eyes, looking for answers, hope, strength.
"I had to remind myself that there was nothing I could do about it. And as harsh as that sounds, it helped. I knew it was out of my control. And I also knew that she'd be proud of me either way. She might not exactly have been proud of what I was doing with my life but what else would have been new," Alison said, a small chuckle escaping her lips as she quickly wiped at her eyes when Emily wasn't looking.
"It's just like, none of it feels real, you know? Like I went back to college and now I'm really almost done and it just doesn't feel like I actually did anything because he wasn't there to see any of it. And now I'm supposed to get up there and actually get my diploma and he's not gonna be there. And I don't want to do it without him there."
Emily had progressively started getting more and more worked up, her voice raising with every word. Ali just let Emily be, knowing that she needed to get all of this out. Ali understood that better than anyone.
"Emily, no one is forcing you to actually go to the ceremony. If you really don't want to, you don't have to, that's entirely your decision. But I am gonna say this, I think that you'll regret it so much one day that you didn't walk up to that stage and get that diploma from the Dean. As cliché as it sounds, walking up there and getting that diploma handed to me made it all feel real, like I had actually done something. And I know it none of it seems fair, because it isn't. And I also know that part of you is worried because you think that you might actually enjoy it. And that makes you feel guilty because you don't want to enjoy anything now that your dad isn't going to be there. You feel like you don't have the right to celebrate anything anymore. But there comes a point when you have to let yourself, you owe it to yourself. You'll miss out on so much of your life if you don't."
"Do you think he'd be proud of me?" Emily asked, both of her hands holding on to Alison's.
"I know he would have," Alison said, leaning down to press a small kiss to Emily's forehead. It broke her heart to see Emily so upset, she didn't know if she would survive seeing Emily this upset ever again.
"How though? How do you know?"
"Because if I'm proud of you, he would have been over the moon," Alison said, breaking out into a smile and gently tracing the side of Emily's face with her fingertips.
"You're proud of me?" Emily asked, astonished.
"Of course, I am. Em, I'm proud of you everyday. You never cease to amaze me with how much you're capable of and how strong you are. I'll always be proud of you, in everything that you do," Alison couldn't help the tears in her eyes. Although she knew that Emily needed to hear this from her, she wished more than anything that they were under different circumstances. She wished that there wasn't the nagging reminder in the back of her head telling her over and over how stupid she was being and how big of a mistake she was making.
Wishing that she had done things so differently was something that was running through her mind every minute of everyday now.
Emily quickly sat up, grabbing Alison's face with both of her hands and pulled her closer. Their lips found each other immediately like they were being pulled together by a magnet.
Emily's heart immediately felt lighter, it always did whenever she was in Alison's mere presence. But hearing all of those things from Alison, all the reassuring words and votes of confidence, sent a spark inside of her. Giving her a reason to go on. With Alison by her side, Emily felt like she could conquer the world. And whenever Emily looked into Alison's eyes or whenever she saw Ali smiling at her, Emily felt invincible. Alison made her strong.
But when your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness, well, that's just a recipe for disaster by anyone's standards.
Alison tried her hardest not to melt into Emily's arms, but as soon as Emily captured Alison's lips in hers, she was done for.
Emily was by far her greatest weakness, but she needed to stay strong. In a couple of weeks, Emily would be going back to school and she hoped every day that that meant things would go back to normal.
But who was she kidding? Things would never be normal for them ever again.
Emily felt Alison's arms wrap around her waist, pulling her closer. Emily fingered at the hem of Alison's t-shirt, dipping underneath to run her fingertips over Alison's warm skin, the need to feel Alison skin under hers becoming far too much to handle. Alison shuddered at the slight contact, a chill sending straight up her spine, her body covered in goosebumps.
She moved to kiss Emily's neck. Emily's signature sweet scented perfume was becoming a drug for Alison, becoming utterly intoxicated by the scent that was just so Emily. Emily buried her hands in Alison's hair, lightly scratching at her scalp, she heard Alison's slight hum of approval as Ali continued to press kisses to all of Emily's pressure points, working her way up until she could capture Emily's lips once again, slightly biting at her bottom lip.
Emily slowly pulled away, taking a moment to look deeply into Alison's eyes. The intense look immediately worrying Ali, "Why did you stop? Is something wrong?"
Emily untangled herself from Alison and reached around to grab her purse from the front seat. She quickly dug inside and pulled out a long strip of blue card stock, she took a deep breath before taking one of Alison's hands in hers and placing the paper in it, "Will you be there?" Emily asked hopefully.
Alison took a second to look deeply in Emily's eyes before tearing her gaze away to look at what Emily shoved into her hand. The paper read, "Admission for one to Pepperdine University's Commencement Ceremony: May 23rd, 9am."
"Em, are you sure?" Ali asked, her eyes immediately welling up with tears. She knew how these things went, you only got a limited number of tickets. And Ali was sure that there were definitely people more deserving of a ticket than she was.
"They only gave us two each because it's such a large class, so I don't have enough to give all the girls. I was just going to keep this one but I really want you there, Ali. You've been there for me so much and I want you to see me get my diploma."
Alison didn't know what to do, she felt so guilty. This wasn't right, Emily should give this to one of the girls, not her, "But don't you need it, Em?"
Emily shook her head. "Like I said, I don't have enough to give to all the girls. And my mom already has hers, so," Emily trailed off.
Ali paused for a minute, it finally dawned on her. This would have been her dad's ticket. Ali felt immediate guilt bubble up in her chest. Emily shouldn't give this to her, it wouldn't be fair. Nothing that Ali was doing with Emily was fair. Ali knew she needed to stop all of this, immediately. She just needed to confess everything, to stop leading Emily on. To finally let her go for good. She just needed to find the words.
"Ali?" Emily said, stirring Alison out of her thoughts, "What do you say? It would mean a lot to me if you came."
How could Alison turn down that?
"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Ali said, moving to tuck a chunk of hair behind Emily's ear. Ali didn't know if she was making the right decision or not, but the second that Emily broke out into a huge smile, that was all that Alison cared about. Emily deserved to smile like that all the time and Ali would do anything in her power to make sure that happened for as long as she could.
In simple terms, Ali was fucked.
Emily immediately pulled Alison to her once again, this time kissing her breathlessly, only pulling away when they were both dizzy and gasping for air. But her fingers never left Alison's skin, this time pulling Alison's shirt clean over her head and throwing it in the front seat. Alison reached for Emily's shirt as they both shifted to lay down, Emily distributing her weight on her hands and knees as Alison laid underneath her.
Skin to skin, lips to lips, hands all over each other, all of the world's worries were nonexistent in this moment. In this little world that Alison and Emily created, when they were at their most vulnerable and yet their most strong, nothing could touch them. Nothing else mattered except the two of them, and all the unspoken confessions of love hanging all around them. In this world, where the only thing keeping them grounded was their arms around each other, here nothing could hurt them. Nothing from the outside, that is.
But there were things inside their little world that were just as deadly.