ZA: Goooooood morniiiiiiing, minions! Or whatever time it is. I had prepared a formal apology for not updating sooner, but I may have accidentally turned it in to my English teacher. And, seeing as how nothing I come up with now could be nearly as good as that eloquently-worded passage, I will simply say, "I'm sorry I haven't updated. Please forgive me, and direct all your complaints to The Society for Incurably Criminal Puppies world/united_kingdom/
Prof. Sybil Trelawney: I'm getting a premonition…I see…I see…a large piece of metal…with many metal tubes. It is making…sound. And you are trapped beneath it! It is giving you…The Kiss!
ZA: Professor, that's my tuba.
PST: Oh. Well, of course I knew that. But there's something more! You…do not own…in any way, shape, or form…Bleach or Harry Potter. Ooooooh.
ZA: Thank you for stating the obvious.
PST: Ooooooooooooh….
ZA: Okay, stop with the "oohing" and the scarf waving.
"English"
"Japanese"
'Thoughts'
Chapter Fourteen: Quizzing with Quakers
The Welcoming Feast had been pretty good, not counting the peppermint humbugs (which were a bit too…"hummy"). Ginny had been sorted into Gryffindor, Dumbledore had said some very odd words, and Haru wondered if Lockhart's face had been surgically positioned into a permanent, toothsome grin. Even the first day of term had gone well. The second half of the second day, however, promised to be less than enjoyable. Haru wasn't sure if he could handle Lockhart on a full stomach.
"Come in! Come in! Do sit down," the new DADA professor urged the students. "Now before we begin this class, to make sure you've read the material, I've prepared a fun quiz. Remember to try your best. Extra marks for pretty ink colors!"
Several girls giggled in response. Haru saw Hermione's eyes light up as she dove into her satchel and emerged with a bottle of ink that resembled sparkly, purple nail polish.
As the papers were being passed down the rows of desks, Haru glanced at his copy and was instantly horrified. Every single question was about the flamboyant professor and was in no way related to the class he would supposedly be teaching.
'Might as well have a little fun,' Haru smirked to himself.
Q: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
A: The color of the sea after a storm.
Q: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest accomplishment to date?
A: Getting hit with a flying kick and landing on a poster of himself in the middle of Flourish & Blott's.
Q: When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?
A: February 29th 'Aging just one out of every four years is his secret to eternal youth.' and he'd love to receive a lifetime supply of Polident. 'Wouldn't want that award-winning smile to slip, after all.'
Q: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
A: To establish the wizarding world's first Quaker community, dedicated to the production of nutritious and delicious breakfast cereals. 'Although, I'm sure he just wants to be able to wear the hat.'
Ron, who had leaned over to sneak a glance at Haru's paper, looked bemused and bewildered, but Haru was just warming up.
Q: In his book Break with a Banshee, how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee?
A: By performing a one-man version of Cats. 'Everyone knows banshees can't stand Andrew Lloyd Weber.'
Once the quiz had been completed and graded, Lockhart wasted more time in reviewing the answers. Haru noticed that none of his own responses were shared with the rest of the class.
Unfortunately, Haru's good mood was quickly extinguished by the practical lesson Lockhart presented to them in the form of a passel of pesky Cornish pixies. Hermione proved adept at solving that problem, but it left Haru and Ron rather unimpressed with their new professor.
Still, that class was a delight compared to what happened the following Saturday. One of the fifth year Slytherins had gotten into a duel with a fifth year Ravenclaw and nearly destroyed half of the sixth floor corridor. The fight was broken up by a professor, but not before Ron had been hit by a stray slug-belching hex.
Haru and Hermione had tried to help Ron to the hospital wing, but they encountered Filch on the way, who assigned Ron detention for "besliming" the castle floors. Ron spent the evening polishing every trophy in the trophy room – several times, too, as he had to begin again after every subsequent belch. As Haru met up with him afterwards to walk him back to Gryffindor Tower, Haru heard the lilting hiss of parseltongue echoing through the empty corridors. He was unable to pinpoint the source, but he was certain that it meant trouble.
ZA: Points for anyone who can identify the source of Haru's answer to Lockhart's favorite color question. And a special shout out to my minions at the City Museum.
Hermione: I seem to have read that quote somewhere before, but I can't remember. It was so passionate and heartfelt. I also think there was something about…peanuts?
ZA: Speaking of peanuts, anyone want one? No, really. I mean it.