Stalag 13 Gazette
Vol. 2, No. 3
June 12, 1944
Editor: Corporal Rubinstein, Barracks 12
Notices:
Seems the guards and Kommandant Klink's staff have been a bit on the edgy side these past few days. When asked why, they refused to say, except of course for Schultz who as usual, knows nothing.--s
This editor was threatened with a demotion and a month of KP duty for surreptitiously continuing the birth year speculations behind the scenes. But….the year 1905, seems to be close!!! Kommandant Klink and Hilda know the answer, but aren't talking. In fact, the Kommandant seems to be enjoying the fact that he knows something we don't.—s
And…Colonel Hogan would like everyone to know, that he is not the oldest prisoner in his barracks. So there!--s
Will someone please tell Sgt. Schultz that Macys and Gimbels are names of department stores and not prisoners!!!—s
Belated news from town: It appears that on April 20th (Hitler's birthday), a party being held near an anti-aircraft unit was interrupted by air raid sirens. During the confusion, saboteurs replaced the ammunition with flags that read "Happy Birthday, Adolf!" The commander of the unit (another relative of our local Gestapo chief) blamed a work detail from this camp that was sent to clean up and decorate the hall. Kommandant Klink thought this was ridiculous and said so. Thanks, Kommandant! Perhaps the now disgraced commander broke into the Schnapps? Meanwhile, Colonel Hogan is still bargaining with the Kommandant for extra light and more white bread in exchange for cleaning up buildings in camp.—s
Rumors that Colonel Hogan had a hangover after this incident are FALSE!!!--s
Corporal Newkirk would like to reiterate that he does NOT sleep with a teddy bear, and would like to ask everyone to stop trying to bribe him for Colonel Hogan's birth year. The temptation is becoming too much.--d
Congratulations to Kommandant Klink for his perfect inefficiency rating and short-lived promotion to the German Army Chief of Staff. Since we have heard that the Germans are a very efficient people, it makes one wonder: Is Klink really German?--m
A note from Kommandant Klink: Of course, I'm German. What else could I be?--m
Corporal Newkirk has decided to take a poll to discover the answer to that question.--m
Another note from Klink: Any prisoners responding to said poll will be confined to barracks and on half rations for the next two weeks. Any guards doing so will have all leaves revoked and sentenced to extra shifts for the next three months. And if Corporal Newkirk has nothing better to do than come
up with this ridiculous poll, I'll find some more productive ways for him to utilize his time.--m
Lost: Frau von Scheider and her small suitcase. Anyone with information leading to their recovery is asked to contact General von Scheider immediately. All correspondence will be forwarded to the Russian front.—m
Colonel Hogan would like the prisoners to know that the next person who points out that his voice cracks will have their M&M's confiscated until the end of the war—lg
Prisoners were ecstatic recently when the latest shipment of Red Cross games and books were found to be wrapped in newspaper! The Germans decided what was in the papers did not need censoring and left them in there. So on behalf of those of us trying to finish the impossibly difficult NY Times crossword puzzle: if anyone knows the Yiddish word for bedbug, please let me know!—s
Everyone is glad to see that the Gestapo takeover of camp is Kaput! Kommandant Klink won't say how he managed to turn the tables on them, but he apparently somehow got the goods on Strauss, brought the information to Burkhalter and then…well, you know the rest. Unfortunately, according to the Kommandant, the two "agents" claiming to be working for General Mueller, got away. In addition, the Kommandant got Colonel Hogan released from the cooler early. So the Iron Colonel is two for two!—s
Burn after reading:
INVASION NEWS!!!!
June 6, 1944. Allies landed on beaches in Normandy. We have no estimates of casualties yet. Rumors that Americans faced severe opposition on Omaha beach seem to be true. Canadians had an easier time at Juno. Brits landed at Gold. 18,000 paratroopers were dropped behind enemy lines prior to landings. Estimated that on the first day, 175,000 troops came ashore. Hitler apparently slept through. No one was brave enough to wake him up.
The news is still sketchy and incomplete. Colonel Hogan will be holding briefings as warranted. Barracks chiefs will then brief the rank and file.
On behalf of everyone, Colonel Hogan would like to extend our heartfelt thanks to Chief of Staff Klink (in absentia, of course) for his perfect inefficiency in responding to the Normandy Invasion. We were so glad that he proved we could trust him to do the right thing.—m
Speaking of the invasion: Colonel Hogan somehow managed to sneak out of camp, catch a flight to London, meet with the brass, catch a flight back to Germany, jump out of a plane and make it back to camp in time for roll call!!! And then he came up with a brilliant plan to confuse the German command staff. His picture should be on a box of Wheaties!—s
When asked how London was; Colonel Hogan replied: "Foggy."—s
Getting back to the Gestapo takeover of camp; Thanks go out to the two underground agents who impersonated Mueller's contacts. Great job, gentlemen. Otto should consider an acting career after the war.—s
Otto replies: Thanks. See me for passports.--s
Hilda says, as long as Colonel Hogan is supplying me with nylons, my lips are sealed!--s
In other war news:
June 9, 1944 - Soviet offensive against the Finnish front begins.
June 5, 1944 - The first mission by B-29 Superfortress bombers occurs as 77 planes bomb Japanese railway facilities at Bangkok, Thailand.
Contributors to this issue: Linda Groundwater, Marleen, Deana, Snooky
War news by historyplacedotnet