Chapter Fourteen: The Road To Victory
"Informant?" asked Stone Cold.
"Informant?" asked everyone else.
"Yes, he was the one passing the information to me!" said Mr. X.
Tanner turned to Stone Cold and said "I'll ease up if you do."
Stone Cold released Tanner. Tanner climbed out the window and held onto the ladder. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Tanner." he said. "I am not actually a mob wheelman. I'm really an FBI agent working undercover."
"Tanner, what are you saying?" asked DeMarco.
"He's saying you've been PUNK'D!" said Jesse Richmond.
"Mr. X is an old associate of mine." said Tanner. "While I was working for DeMarco, I discovered his plan to steal the prize money and informed him. Mr. X then had me sabotage DeMarco's operation from inside."
"I work undercover for a living." said Jarod. "How did I not see this coming?"
"I apologize for deceiving you all." said Tanner. "I couldn't risk being found out."
"Wait, wait." said Memphis. "Explain something to me. If you were secretly working for Mr. X, why did you break into the race headquarters to steal the prize money?"
"Because I knew the prize money wasn't there." said Tanner. "I knew DeMarco would want me to steal the money, so I had to at least make an attempt. I was a little surprised to find the explosives in there. I also used the opportunity to trade some information with Mr. X."
(flashback)
"Either you come with me or your eyeball does." said Tanner as he put Mr. X in a headlock. In the process, he slipped a note into Mr. X's pocket while taking another one out.
(end flashback)
"But you were also the one who ended up kidnapping Stanley." said Max Payne.
"That was because DeMarco was going apeshit." said Tanner. "I saw that he was capable of anything up to and including mass destruction. If I hadn't satisfied his hunger for power, there's no telling what he could have done. I solved the problem without serious injury."
"Without serious injury?" asked George. "I don't think so!"
"But didn't you also hire the Hunters, Capt. Everett, and Mitzi's group?" asked Leonardo.
"And look at how well they turned out." said Tanner.
"Hey!" said Darden.
"I hired the guys who would be least likely to pull it off." said Tanner.
"Hey!" said Linda.
"Oh, give it a rest." said Tanner. "You and your group were taken out by a pair of empty-headed stoners."
"Hey!" yelled Chester.
"Unfortunately, I didn't realize how mad it would make DeMarco." said Tanner. "So, see the answer for kidnapping Stanley."
"What about trying to stop us from disabling the doomsday device?" asked Super Dave.
"I had to." said Tanner. "I tried to disable it myself, but I screwed it up so that it would activate if someone tried to disable it the usual way. All I could do was try to prevent the Cannonballers from trying to disable it."
"Well, I guess that wraps things up." said Mr. X.
"Wait a second." said Homer. "What about your wife?"
"Homer, he's not married." said Marge.
After a lengthy pause, Homer said "Oh."
"Any other questions?" asked Tanner.
"Yeah." said Nash. "Was there any point where you thought your cover would be blown wide open?"
"Yeah, you could've been found out at any turn." said Joe. "You have got to be the bravest son of a bitch I've ever seen."
"Thank you, sir." said Tanner. "Yeah, that happened a lot."
"Come on." said Mahoney. "I'm sure the police would like a few words with you to find out some more about DeMarco's empire."
"Tanner, if you talk, you're a dead man!" yelled DeMarco.
"If I say anything, can I get work with your organization?" asked Tanner.
"By all means." said Mr. X.
"Well, it looks like everything is going okay here." said Brock.
"What's up?" asked Mr. X.
"I have an announcement to make." said Brock.
He walked onto an overhead walkway and looked over the Cannonballers. "Cannonballers, please lend me your ears." he said. "As a goodwill gesture for your assistance in rescuing Stanley, we have a special surprise. The winner still gets 250,000,000 dollars, but the second place team will get 150,000,000 dollars, the third place team will get 100,000,000 dollars, the fourth place team will get 50,000,000 dollars, and the fifth place team will get 10,000,000. On top of that, the teams that finish sixth through tenth get 1,000,000 dollars each."
The crowd cheered.
"How many zeroes are in that?" asked Willow.
"Sixty-six." said Jarod.
"And one more thing." said Brock. "Since you're here with us, Nash and Joe will be allowed to reenter the race."
Nash and Joe cheered.
"And now, everybody..." said Brock "...WE'RE OFF!"
The Cannonballers ran for their cars.
Nash and Joe climbed into the 'Cuda. "Come on, bubba. Let's go." said Nash.
Mike and the bots got back into the Emu. Mike noticed Joel running for a recliner.
"Hey, Joel!" yelled Mike. "Want a lift?"
"No thanks. I got my own." said Joel as he sat in the recliner, fastened his seatbelt, put on his goggles, and started the chair using a remote control for a VCR.
Team Cheers climbed into the Citi.
"Hey, Sammy." said Cliff. "Can we take a quick side trip through Beacon Hill?"
"It's out of the way, Cliffy." said Sam. "Why do you want to go there?"
"I forgot to finish my route." said Cliff.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Kentucky...
"Come! Come!" yelled Wario. "We have to go!"
Wario and Bowser were in the Saikou XS. Waluigi was on his way out of the cabin. He jumped into the car.
"Let's go for it!" he yelled.
Wario floored the accelerator and the car raced off. Unfortunately, their time card was still on the end table below the window.
XXXXXXXXXX
In San Francisco...
"Ready to go?" asked Chip.
"Born ready." said Zeke.
Harvey and Antwon watched from the balcony. "Have fun, guys!" yelled Harvey as Chip and Zeke got into their car.
Within seconds, they drove off. A few seconds after that, "Disco Inferno" started playing over the PA system again.
XXXXXXXXXX
Brock climbed into a beige Chevy pickup with red ground effects. He started it and put it in gear.
Tanner climbed into the Clover and started it. "I'll show DeMarco I'm not 100 guaranteed a win." he said.
"Go! Go!" yelled someone as engines started and cars started to leave DeMarco's fortress.
Bernard turned on the stereo in the Bryanston V and music started to play.
The signs are getting clearer,
clearer than you need.
The writing's on the wall,
for you to see.
Several of the cars drove through the turns in the mountains of Vermont. A few of them pulled off drifts.
You never thought you'd ever get the chance.
You never thought that it would be this good.
Just tell me what you want and I'll find the key.
Just reach out and touch, it's all yours.
Nash drove through Pennsylvania. He and Joe laughed at a joke Joe had told.
If you hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
If you hang in long enough...
The Super Taxi stopped at the World's Largest Twine Ball in Minnesota. George, Stanley, and Kuni argued over who would take their picture in front of the twine ball. Suddenly, a man walked by and George asked him to take the picture.
You're down on the ground broke,
or so you say.
You'd sell the hole in your pocket,
if you could find a way.
George stood and smirked. Stanley held up his mop triumphantly. Kuni took a karate stance.
The man backed up while aiming the camera at them. Then, he turned around and ran. The guys could do nothing but watch him leave.
Don't ask me how I know,
'cause you don't want to hear.
It's been a long, hard road,
and the end is getting near.
You never thought you'd ever get a taste.
You never thought your break would come along.
Just tell me what you want, I'll find the key.
Just reach out and touch, it's all yours.
If you hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
Hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
Hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
Hang in long enough...
J.D. danced around on stage and sang.
They always say,
"The best things in life are free"
But you want to have everything.
Well, you're gonna have to beg if you want it all.
You're...gon...na...have to beg.
Audience members raised signs reading "J.D. Rocks", "Party On", and "Sharp Turn Ahead". J.D. came out of his daydream in time to swerve back onto the Missouri road.
Hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
Hang in long enough.
They'll let you out,
then pull you in.
Playing hell with your emotions,
you feel like giving in.
The Torque JX cruised through New Mexico. The Cohete and Monsoni pulled alongside, then raced off. Kobe started to chase after them, but Kaga stopped him.
Hang in long enough.
You'll do it.
If you hang in long enough,
you'll do it.
A mile down the road, a New Mexico state trooper had pulled over Jaleel and Ford. Kaga and the Iron Chefs laughed as they drove by.
Hang in.
You'll do it.
Hang in.
You'll do it.
Hang in.
You'll do it.
Hang in.
You'll do it.
-"Hang In Long Enough" by Phil Collins
The crowd had gathered at the Grand Canyon to welcome the Cannonballers. They parted to let in a 1970 GTO. It had been painted black metallic with red, orange, and yellow flames painted onto the sides. Custom Foose rims adorned the wheels. The car parked in the center of the crowd and Chip and Zeke climbed out.
"Did we win?" joked Chip. The crowd cheered.
"Chip Foose kicks ass." said Zeke.
Big Schwag, Frankie Whiteside, David Spade, and Phil Keoghan took to the stage to announce the arrivals.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Cannonballers are now in the final stretch." announced Schwag.
"That's right and with no more threats, they're sure to arrive safely." announced Frankie.
"Once again, the Cannonballers have proven to be more than a match for anyone who threatens them." announced David.
"And we have received word that most of the teams have entered the state of Arizona." announced Phil before a stagehand walked over and whispered something into his ear. Phil turned to him and said "What?" The stagehand repeated his news. Phil turned back and announced "Folks, I've just been informed that the first team has entered the park and is on their way to the finish! They will be here shortly!"
The crowd parted again to allow the eventual winner into the winner's circle. Zeke moved his GTO out of the way. The crowd started to mutter and whisper. Suddenly, an engine was heard. The crowd started to build in applause. Then, up the road came...
The Saikou XS.
David's smile faded. "We barely hear from these guys and THEY come in first?" he asked. "Oh, that's justice."
The crowd started to cheer anyway. The Saikou XS pulled into the area and drove into the winner's circle. Wario and Bowser jumped out and started waving to the crowd. Waluigi flashed a thumbs-up to them while grinning menacingly. Wario and Bowser walked up to Phil.
"Team Warioware?" said Phil. "After seven continents, six weeks, and over one hundred thousand miles, you have finished the Cannonball Run Worldwide in first place!"
Wario and Bowser cheered. So did the crowd.
"To tell you the truth," said Phil "this is quite a surprise for a team of rookies like yourselves. But you have defied the odds and claimed victory. So, congratulations to you. Now, to make it official, you have to put your time card in the clock to register it."
"Very well." said Wario. "Bowser, give me the time card."
"I don't have it." said Bowser.
"Well, I don't have it either. Waluigi?" said Wario.
"Oh oh." said Waluigi. "I think I left it in the cabin."
The crowd gaspsed. Phil crossed his arms and asked "What cabin?" suspiciously.
XXXXXXXXXX
Somewhere to the east, Lara and her team had been pulled over. They stood with their jumpsuits unzipped.
"Well, I'd just like you to be careful out there." said the officer. "There's a lot of speed-crazed lunatics out there."
"Thank you, officer." said Lara.
"Thank you very much." said Joanna.
The officer returned to his car.
"I can't believe that finally worked." said Cate as she zipped up.
"It had to work sooner or later." said Chun Li as she zipped up too.
XXXXXXXXXX
Beavis and Butthead had pulled over in Monument Valley. They were staring at a sign that said "Elephant Butte".
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh." said Beavis.
"Huh huh huh huh huh huh." said Butthead.
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh." said Beavis.
"Huh huh huh huh huh huh." said Butthead.
"Heh heh heh heh." said Beavis. "Shouldn't we continue the race?"
"Huh huh huh huh. Uh, why?" said Butthead.
XXXXXXXXXX
Back at the Grand Canyon...
"I have been informed that most of the Cannonballers have passed through the town of Cameron." announced Phil. "After that is Desert View and then they're here. One team that is already here is Team Warioware, who have been discovered to have cheated and have been promptly disqualified. With them now is David Spade."
Wario, Waluigi, and Bowser sat on the curb and moped. "Well, Phil." said David. "As you can see, Wario and his teammates are not happy about this turn of events. Aw. In any case, we have an interview with them right now. Wario, you and your team have become the first Cannonballers ever to be disqualified. You're not too happy, are you?"
"What was your first hint?" asked Wario.
"First, the question that's sure to be on everyone's minds." said David. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"We were thinking that we found an easy way to win this flippin' race!" said Bowser. "If Walugi hadn't left the card in the cabin, everything would be okay!"
"Don't try pinning this all on me!" yelled Waluigi. "I was just going along with Wario's plans!"
"You guys stop arguing now!" said Wario. "It was my idea! I'll take the blame for this!"
"You not only got us disqualified!" said Bowser. "You also got us banned from the race for life!"
"Hey, hey, hey, guys." said David. "If it makes you feel any better, one member of the Cannonball band has agreed to perform one of his songs for you."
"Really?" asked Waluigi.
"Absolutely." said David. "Here he comes now."
Beck walked over to them.
"So, Beckster." said David. "Have you given any thought as to which of your songs you're going to sing?"
"Not at all." said Beck. "When I heard about the situation, I immediately chose an appropriate song. Hit it, guys."
"Mr. Beck, thank you very..." said Wario before he noticed the guitar riff on the song being performed. The crowd recognized it as well and laughed. Then, they started to dance to it and Beck started to sing.
In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.
Butane in my veins, so I'm out to cut the junkie.
With the plastic eyeballs, spray paint the vegetables.
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose.
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral.
Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control.
Baby's in Reno with the Vitamin D.
Got a couple couches, sleep on the love seat.
Someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain.
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt.
Don't believe everything that you breathe.
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve.
So shave your face with some mace in the dark.
Savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park.
Yo.
Cut it.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Double-barrel buckshot.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare.
Banned all the music with a phony gas chamber.
'cause one's got a weasel and another's got a flag.
One's got on the pole, shove the other in a bag.
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job.
The daytime crap with the folksinger slop.
He hung himself with a guitar string.
Slap the turkey neck and it's hanging on a pigeon wing.
You can't write if you can't relate.
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate.
And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite,
who's choking on the splinters.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Get crazy with the cheeze whiz.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Drive by body pierce.
Yo, bring it on down.
David then stepped up to the mic and said "I'm a driver, I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it."
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
I can't believe you.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Sprechen sies Deutches, baby.
Soy un perdidor.
I'm a loser, baby.
So, why don't you kill me?
Know what I'm saying?
-"Loser" by Beck
"Thank you, Beck." said Frankie. "I'm sure Team Warioware really appreciated that."
"Well, folks." said Schwag. "We're still waiting for the Cannonballers to arrive. Until that happens..." The stagehand walked over to him and whispered something into his ear. "How's that again?" asked Schwag. The stagehand repeated his news. "YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! THE CANNONBALLERS HAVE ENTERED THE PARK! THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY HERE!"
The crowd erupted in applause. A few seconds later, they quieted down to listen for engines. They were soon rewarded.
The Amata Crescendo was in the lead. The Fripon X was right behind it.
"Keep it going, Francis!" said Malcolm. "The lead is just a heartbeat away!"
"I'm going for it!" said Francis.
Behind the Fripon X was the Citi. Behind that was the Crusero Magnifico.
"There's three cars between us and the lead!" said Daffy.
"Sorry, that's my fault." said Bugs. "I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque."
The cars came to a turn at the edge of the canyon and whipped through it. In the canyon itself, the Jones J450, Knight, and Baja Buggy raced along a hiking trail.
The three vehicles raced across a bridge over the Colorado River. Under the bridge, Bart Simpson stood on the river bank and watched the L.A. Cop Car float by.
"You told me it was shallow here!" yelled Regis as he leaned out the window. "You told me it was shallow here!"
The cars raced onto the final stretch and made their way to the finish. The vehicles that took a shortcut through the canyon joined the rest of the pack.
"Yeah, here they come!" yelled David. He slapped the hood of the Saikou XS in excitement. He went to slap it again, but the car started to roll down the hill. "Ooh, that's not good." he said.
The Saikou XS smashed into a park truck and jacknifed so it blocked the road.
The Cannonballers all hit the brakes and jumped out of their cars. They tried to run past the Saikou XS, but they got stuck trying to climb over it.
"Oh my God." said Frankie. "It doesn't look like anyone's getting through that."
"Wait a minute!" yelled Schwag. "Look who's coming through!"
"I see it!" yelled Phil. "It's..."
Jessie, James, Meowth, Annie, and Oakley ran for the finish.
"Great." said David. "First Team Warioware, now Team Rocket. Why can't someone deserving win this thing?"
Team Rocket ran up to the finish and checked in.
"Team Rocket?" said Phil. "After seven continents, six weeks, and over one hundred thousand miles, you are now the official winners of the Cannonball Run Worldwide."
"We won?" said James.
"We won!" said Annie.
"Well, it's about flippin' time!" said Jessie.
"I'm sorry to say you've usually been the team everybody wants to see lose." said Phil. "However, you have pulled off a victory. How does that make you feel?"
"Very great, Phil." said Meowth. "The best I possibly can."
"Well, I suppose someone will be willing to finish second then." said Phil.
Just then, the Veloci de-cloaked near the clock. Tommy and Max climbed out.
"Sorry, we would have gotten here sooner." said Tommy.
"Unfortunately, the door lock got stuck." said Max.
"Well, punch in anyway." said Phil. "Second isn't exactly a bad way to finish."
"I guess." said Tommy. He reached up and punched his time card in the clock.
That was when everybody else turned and looked in shock. The black van that had been attacking everyone rolled into the lot.
"Now what?" asked Max as he and Tommy drew their weapons.
The van pulled up to the crowd of Cannonballers and the driver's side door opened. Then, the driver climbed out.
"Boss?" said Oakley.
"You know this guy?" asked David.
"Yes, he's our boss." said James.
"Uh oh." said Schwag.
"Not a good thing." said Frankie.
"Team Rocket." said Phil. "You mean to tell us that the man who's been attacking the Cannonballers is an associate of yours?"
"I was just doing my part to help them win." said Giovanni.
"Well, they won without your help." said Phil. "Unfortunately, it doesn't matter now. Due to your affiliation with a known threat to the other racers, you are hearby disqualified from the race."
"Oh, come on!" yelled Jessie.
"You guys come up here." said Phil.
Tommy and Max walked up to Phil.
"Tommy and Max." said Phil. "After...ah, skip it. Congratuations, you are hereby the official winners of the Cannonball Run Worldwide."
Tommy and Max let out a loud cheer.
"Please don't get disqualified. Please don't get disqualified." said David.
"Okay, the rest of you can come up here and try for the rest of the top ten." said Phil.
The Cannonballers looked to the clock, then to Giovanni.
"Um, no hard feelings?" he said.
"How about no feelings, period?" asked Knuckles.
While half of the field tried to make their way to the clock, the other half moved towards Giovanni.
"Uh, surely we can talk about this?" asked Giovanni as he started to run.
Not going either way was Tanner who was casually leaning against the Clover. Chip looked at him and walked over. "You're not going with them?" he asked.
"The guy in the van didn't attack me and I don't have a time card." said Tanner. "I was just in this to get to the finish."
Chip looked over the Clover. "Whose car is this?" he asked.
"Denis Leary's." said Tanner.
"Really?" asked Chip. "You know, a lot of people know Denis Leary as a foul-mouthed, mysogynistic comedian. They don't know about his contributions to various fire-fighting organizations across the country. One of his auctions raised six-hundred-thousand dollars for families of New York firefighters killed on nine-eleven. I think it's time I gave something back."
XXXXXXXXXX
The post-race party was in full swing an hour later. A crowd had formed and was now body surfing Bernie.
A parade of vehicles cruised by. The ice cream truck led the way with Giovanni tied to the front.
That's when Lone Wolf came racing up on the Nousagi. He did a wheelie and brought it to a halt a few feet later. He then climbed off and walked up to Mr. X.
"Lone Wolf, I see you have performed to the best of your abilities again." said Mr. X.
"I'm glad I could be of service." said Lone Wolf. "Do you need security for any future Cannonballs?"
"We always do." said Mr. X. "I guess we'll be seeing you then."
"Just try to keep me away." said Lone Wolf. He turned and rode away.
"He didn't stay." said J.J.
"He never does." said Mr. X.
Lone Wolf rode out onto the road and found Mitzi walking along. He pulled alongside and stopped.
"You're not joining the party?" he asked.
"I really don't fit in with that crowd." she said. "Lone Wolf, I'm sorry I tried to drown you. I didn't really want to, but you know DeMarco."
"You know, now that DeMarco's going to jail," said Lone Wolf "you could probably get into some other work."
"You mean something legit?" asked Mitzi.
"I could even help you get started." said Lone Wolf. "So, where are you going?"
"Nowhere in particular." said Mitzi.
"Sounds great. Hop on." said Lone Wolf.
Mitzi smiled and climbed onto the back of the Nousagi.
I wake up in the morning,
and I raise my weary head.
I got an old coat for a pillow,
and the earth was last night's bed.
I don't know where I'm going.
Only God knows where I've been.
I'm a devil on the run,
a six gun lover,
a candle in the wind.
When you're brought into this world,
they say you're born in sin.
Well, at least they gave me something,
I didn't have to steal or have to win.
Well, they tell me that I'm wanted.
Yeah, I'm a wanted man.
I'm a colt in your stable.
I'm what Cain was to Abel.
Mister, catch me if you can.
I'm going down in a blaze of glory.
Take me now, but know the truth.
I'm going out in a blaze of glory.
Lord, I never drew first,
but I drew first blood.
I'm no one's son.
Call me young gun.
You ask about my conscience,
and I offer you my soul.
You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man.
Well, I'll ask if I grow old.
You ask me if I known love,
and what it's like to sing songs in the rain.
Well, I've seen love come,
and I've seen it shot down.
I've seen it die in vain.
Shot down in a blaze of glory.
Take me now, but know the truth.
'Cause I'm going down in a blaze of glory.
Lord, I never drew first,
but I drew first blood.
I'm the devil's son.
Call me young gun.
Each night I go to bed.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
No, I ain't looking for forgiveness.
But before I'm six feet deep.
Lord, I got to ask a favor,
and I hope you'll understand.
'Cause I've lived life to the fullest.
Let the boy die like a man.
Staring down the bullet,
let me make my final stand.
Shot down in a blaze of glory.
Take me now, but know the truth.
I'm going out in a blaze of glory.
Lord, I never drew first,
but I drew first blood,
and I'm no one's son.
Call me young gun.
I'm a young gun.
-"Blaze of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi.
XXXXXXXXXX
In the lounge, Nessa faced the band members.
"Okay, settle down!" she said. "We're about to distribute the winnings as you have wagered. Chloe, who had money on the Veloci?"
She turned to the computer terminal to see it abandoned.
"Wait, where's Chloe?" asked Nessa.
XXXXXXXXXX
Back at the fortress, Chloe walked through the hallways and looked around.
"Hello?" she asked. "Is anybody left?"
She walked into the control room and looked at the destruction.
"Not how I would have done it." she said. She then turned around and gasped.
She saw three men standing there. One of them said "Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl."
XXXXXXXXXX
Sam and Max polished the Bryanston V while Ben and Bernard watched.
"It sure was nice of you to let them have it." said Bernard.
"Well, it wasn't mine to give, so." said Ben.
"Here he comes." said Sam.
He and Max stood aside as a man walked over to them.
"Ah hello, Freelance Police." said the man.
"Sir, I'd like to happily report that we have recovered your stolen vehicle." said Sam.
"Thank you very much." said the man. "Where is it?"
"It's right here!" said Max.
The man looked at the Bryanston V. "No, this isn't my car." he said. "My car is white with no body kit. Wait. That radar detector! I bought that when I got the car insured! My car! It's...pink!"
"Another satisfied client, Sam." said Max. "Let's go get some corndogs."
"You crack me up, little buddy." said Sam.
XXXXXXXXXX
Hsu and Chan sat together and talked on their cell phones. "Good news." said Hsu. "Nissan has allowed us to use their cars in the game."
"Dodge just gave us approval." said Chan. "Things are shaping up nicely."
"I can't believe I just helped these two make a racing game." said Sushi X.
"I think we can start modelling the cars as soon as we get back." said Hsu.
"I'll go talk to the band members about licensing songs." said Chan.
"That's it." said Sushi X. "I must go ritual seppuku myself. Where do you keep the knives?"
"They're in the trunk next to the spare." said Chan.
"Now we just have to figure out the customization system." said Hsu.
Sushi X took a knife out of the trunk and said "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to crawl over to that rock and perform the deed."
"Gadzooks, man!" yelled Hsu. "You can't do that here! This is a national monument!"
"Relax, we're trying our best to make a decent game." said Chan. "We're not going to cut corners just to save a buck. Who do you think we are? EA?"
"I suppose I'll wait and see." said Sushi X.
XXXXXXXXXX
Danny walked over to Team Banzai. "Okay, you guys did okay with the terms of your restrictions." he said. "Brock says he's willing to negotiate with you for next year."
"Thank you, Mr. McCoy." said Buckaroo.
"Uh, just one thing." said Sydney as he held up his leg and showed off the anklet.
"Oh, of course." said Danny. He took out a key and said "Your restriction has been lifted."
He inserted the key and tried to turn it, but it wouldn't turn.
"What's taking so long?" asked Perfect Tommy.
"It doesn't want to turn." groaned Danny.
Buckaroo took a look at it. "Uh oh." he said. "I think the use of the Hyperthruster caused the locking mechanism to fuse solid. I think we're going to have to get the power saw."
"Very funny, Buckaroo." said Sydney as Buckaroo and Danny walked away. "You're kidding, right?"
No answer.
"Right?" asked Sydney.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Here he comes." said Tanner.
"This him?" asked Nash as he and Joe led Denis Leary to Tanner and Chip.
Denis marched over to them. "Yeah, that's the guy." he said.
"What's the deal here?" asked Chip as he leaned on a lime green Le Mans with custom rims, square hood vents, an upturned exhaust, and a body-colored spoiler.
"This is the asshole who stole my car, the Clover." said Denis.
"Um, actually." said Tanner. "I was working undercover and your car was required for the operation."
"To show our appreciation, I thought I'd show you these." said Chip as he handed a few pictures to Denis.
Denis looked at the pictures. The first showed the Clover. The second showed the car being stripped of paint. The third showed new rims being added. The fourth showed a pair of square vents being grafted into the hood. The fifth showed the upturned exhaust and new spoiler being attached. The sixth showed the car while it was being painted lime green. The seventh was the finished product, right next to them in real life.
Denis looked at the car right next to him and stared in shock. "No way." he said.
"Congratulations, you've just gotten yourself a new ride." said Chip.
"Wow." said Denis. "This is very nice. Good job."
"Maybe we'll do your car next, Nashman." said Chip.
Nash patted him on the shoulder and said "Don't even think about it, bubba."
XXXXXXXXXX
Mario, Sonic, and their teams sat together.
"You know, as much as we dislike each other," said Sonic "we work well together. Maybe we should try forming a team next year."
"You mean team up?" asked Mario. "'Ey, I think we can make a team like that."
"I don't even know why we continue this rivalry." said Luigi.
"Console war is over between Nintendo and Sega." said Knuckles. "You won."
"Great." said Mario. "We'll form a new team next year."
"We'll form the best team next year." said Sonic.
"And you'll be seeing us again next year as well." said Jessie as she and Team Rocket walked over.
"So, you weren't banned?" asked Link.
"No, they realized that Giovanni wasn't working on our behalf." said James.
"So, where were you just now?" asked Tails.
"Just doing something with Giovanni's van." said Meowth.
Earlier, the van was fed through an auto shredder like the Sabre was. Team Rocket stood by the entrance while the van exploded in the shredder behind them.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are here with the winners of the Cannonball Run." said Phil. "Please welcome Tommy Vercetti and Max Payne. So tell me, guys. How does it feel to win such a major event like this one?"
"Absolutely wonderful." said Tommy. "I think this win will allow me to calm down a little. A little, mind you."
"After all I have been through," said Max "this takes some of my pain away. I'd like to thank the others for making this a challenge worth earning."
"Max said 'after all he's been through.'" said Phil. "Tommy, you took some injury in the battle in Vermont. Does this make up for that?"
"Well, the fact that I had destroyed the one who inflicted the injury made up for it." said Tommy. "On the other hand, this is a reward for all of the endurance and skill I managed to muster."
"This was an incredible journey and I had some fun." said Max.
"First to finish the qualifying run and now first to cross the finish line." said Phil. "How does it feel to score two victories in a row?"
"Amazing." said Max. "I thought I didn't have that much of a chance since I won already. I guess I didn't consider myself that lucky."
"Hey, guess what?" said Tommy. "You are that lucky. Just because someone took away what was important doesn't mean you can't claw your way back. And you just did."
"Very well, Mr. Vercetti." said Max. "I will take your advice and enjoy my victory."
"Okay, over to you, Dave." said Phil.
XXXXXXXXXX
"I'm here with our second place finishers, Super Dave Osbourne and Fuji Akihito." said David. "So, how are you planning on spending your winnings this year?"
"Well, after we've paid off a lot of my past medical bills," said Super Dave "we plan on pulling the most sensational stunt we possibly can."
"That's right." said Fuji. "First, we're going to start off with a dash down a road while being fired upon by World War 2 Sherman tanks."
Super Dave looked at him in shock.
"Then, we are going to send him up a ramp only six inches wide." said Fuji. "That leads to a six inch wide bridge over a pool of acid."
Super Dave's eyes widened.
"After that, he rides through a tunnel filled with buzzsaws." said Fuji. "One mistake could result in mild dismemberment."
Super Dave dropped his jaw.
"Finally, we have him ride through the impact point of a fuel-air bomb." said Fuji. "What do you think, Super?"
Super Dave thought it over. "You know, I think I might just give it to charity or something." he said.
"Cool." said David. "Here we have Big Schwag and Frankie Whiteside with our third place finishers."
XXXXXXXXXX
"We are here with our third place finishers, Marcus and Regis Ellenstein." said Frankie. "Last year, they were in the employ of our adversaries. This year, they're full fledged Cannonballers and in the top ten winners."
"Thank you, Frankie." said Marcus as Regis took a sip of beer.
"Thish ish a grade pardy." slurred Regis.
"So, how does it feel to be famous instead of infamous?" asked Schwag.
"Absolutely fabulous." said Marcus.
"I still can't believe you managed to climb your way out of that canyon to claim third." said Frankie.
"And I still can't believe that little brat sent me into the river in the first place." said Marcus.
"Do you have any plans for your prize?" asked Schwag.
"We're gunna pay off my tab." slurred Regis.
"So, what are your plans for the future?" asked Frankie.
"Right now, we have an announcement to make." said Marcus. "Next year, we are coming back and entering the race again."
"Now, that sounds like great news." said Schwag.
"I have another announcement to make." slurred Regis. "WE'RE GOING STREAKING!!"
"Okay, and now for the rest of the top ten." said Schwag.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Idaho, Napoleon Dynamite walked down a sidewalk and looked at a television in a store window.
"In fourth place are the U62 team." announced Phil
Napoleon smiled.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Japan, K.T. drove his RX-7 through the mountains while listening to the radio.
"Fifth place goes to the MASK team." said David.
"That will be mine someday." said K.T. to himself.
XXXXXXXXXX
Outside of Darwin, the bartender at the roadhouse watched his television set while sweeping up the porch.
"Taking sixth are Lara Croft and her team." announced Frankie.
A road train drove by and the bartender heard "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
XXXXXXXXXX
On Gilligan's Island, Gilligan, the Professor, and Mary Ann listened to the coverage on their radio.
"The seventh place finishers are Michael Knight and his team." announced Schwag.
"Couldn't we have taken the other bridge?" asked Gilligan.
"Too late now." said the Professor.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Argentina, two zombies watched the aftermath on television.
"In eighth place are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." announced Phil.
The zombies both let out a deep moan.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Antarctica, the former Xenomorph host watched from his hospital bed.
"Malcolm and his brothers managed to finish ninth." announced David.
The patient flashed a thumbs-up.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Africa, Kante sat back and watched the race on his cell phone.
"And rounding out the top ten are the Ghostbusters." announced Frankie.
"Nice." said Kante.
XXXXXXXXXX
In Transylvania, a radio in Dracula's castle was tuned to the report.
"And coming up right now, we have an announcement from Brock Yates." said Schwag.
Dracula's hand reached out of the floor and turned off the radio.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Okay, Cannonballers." said Brock. "I'd like you to return to your cars for a minute. Your new parking diagram is on the chart."
The Cannonballers got into their cars and moved them around until they were all pointed at the stage.
"Okay, we've got one last performance for the evening." said J.J.
"And so, without further ado, the Cannonball band." said Victor.
Slash took to the stage and quickly got on his guitar. He was soon joined by Lenny Kravitz.
All around the world,
we could make time.
Rompin' and a stompin'
'cause I'm in my prime.
Born in the north,
and sworn to entertain ya.
'Cause I'm down,
for the state of Pennsylvania.
Blues Traveler took over with David Spade lip syncing the words.
I try not to whine,
but I must warn ya,
about the (David covered his mouth.) girls,
of California.
Alabama, baby.
Said "Hallelujah.
Good God, girl.
I wish I knew ya.
Better Than Ezra was up next.
I know, I know for sure.
That life is beautiful around the world.
I know, I know it's you.
You say "Hello" and then I say "I do".
Slash got back on guitar. Just after that, Coldplay took the stage.
Come back, baby.
'Cause I'd like to say.
I've been around the world,
back from Bombay.
Fox hole love,
pie in your face.
Living in and out,
of a big fat suitcase.
L.L. Cool J took over from there with Schwag and Frankie doing a hip hop dance.
Bonafide ride.
Step aside my Johnson.
Yes, I could.
In the woods of Wisconsin.
Wake up the cake.
It's a lake, she's kissing me.
As they do when,
they do in Sicily.
Sheryl Crow took over after that with Brad Turner on synth.
I know, I know for sure.
That life is beautiful around the world.
I know, I know it's you.
You say "Hello" and then I say "I do".
Slash played through the bridge, then Love Fist followed up.
Where you want to go?
Who you want to be?
What you want to do?
Just come with me.
I saw God,
and I saw the fountains.
You and me, girl,
sitting in the Swiss Mountains.
The Counting Crows got on stage next with Phil mimicking Adam's dance from the "Mr. Jones" video.
Me O, my O.
Me and Guy O.
Freer than a bird,
'Cause we're rockin' Ohio.
Around the world.
I feel dutiful.
Take a wife,
because life is beautiful.
Beck was onstage next.
I know, I know for sure.
He then mumbled his way through the gibberish part.
I know, I know it's you.
Again, he mumbled through the gibberish. Meat Loaf took over from there.
Mother Russia, do not suffer.
I know you're bold enough.
I've been around the world,
and I have seen your love.
I know, I know it's you.
You say "Hello" and then I say "I do."
-"Around the World" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Slash continued to play his guitar even after the singing stopped. Regis ran past in the background completely naked.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think there's any better way to close out a party than with a Slash guitar solo!" said Phil.
"Yeah, I'm glad you agree because he doesn't look like he's going to stop playing anytime soon!" said David.
"In fact, he just might keep this party going all night, all week, or maybe even until the next Cannonball!" said Frankie.
"But there's no time for long parties, long hauls, and cops who just don't get it!" said Schwag. "There's cars to tune and routes to plot! The next Cannonball Run...is just...around...the bend!"
An aerial view showed the cars were parked in a "C" formation.
AN:And there you have it. I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing.
It doesn't end just yet. I still have the bonus materials to add in. I've also got plans to to a rewrite the story as a Special Edition.
So, how did you like it? Please review.
Thank you and good night.