OK this is a sad chapter it is also somewhat rough, simply for the fact I could not bring myself to read it and edited it more then once, in all honesty I would probably have cut is was it not for the fact that there are scenes that link in with later on in the story.

I will not say enjoy, but I hope it at least makes sense.

The Breakdown

Nicholas bit his lip as he struggled to decide whether to approach the crying woman or not, he had learnt a long time to not get involved otherwise it could be very hard to get rid of them, but usually they were only there for an hour at most. This one had been sat in the corner of the station for most of his shift. Usually only the riff raff were the ones who sat in the station in all day until the police moved them on, but this woman did not look like riff raff, she was smartly dressed, neat and put together, her coppery hair neatly pinned up under a smart hat, the only indication that anything was wrong was the trails of makeup down her cheeks. She was young as well, probably in her early twenties, pretty too. Running his hands through his dust covered hair he decided he would speak to her. He approached cautiously, knowing from experience that a crying woman could be more violent and unpredictable then a drunken man.

"Excuse me Miss," Nicholas spoke softly. "Miss are you alright?" He held his ground as she flicked her brown eyes up to look at him, "Miss, are you alright? Are you waiting for someone?" he caught sight of the ring on her finger, "are you waiting for your husband?" he asked feeling it was a valid question especially as she was wearing grey and not black.

"No, I'm alright, I'm waiting for a train," she smiled weakly.

"We only got two more trains going out tonight Miss, both of them board in a few minutes, the last train due in came in about five minutes ago," Nicholas frowned, the young woman was obviously a few cakes short of a picnic.

"Oh."

Nicholas watched as her eyes scanned the clock, clearly surprised by the lateness of the hour. "Do you want me to help you to the train?" he offered. "Let me help you," he bent over and collected her bag from the ground. "Where are you going Miss?"

"Home."

"Where's home Miss?" Nicholas prompted trying to make eye contact with her again.

"Colorado Springs," she mumbled.

"That's leaving from platform two in six minutes Miss," he held out his hand to her. "My name is Nicholas Miss, I work in the engineering department, Let me get you on the train, please Miss."

"I'm not Miss."

"I can see Miss, but Ma'am sounds like it should be for an old lady and you ain't old," Nicholas smiled at her. "What would you like me to call you then?"

"Colleen, my name is Colleen," she whispered.

"Alright, Colleen from Colorado Springs," Nicholas smiled as she took his hand. "Let's get you on the train and home to your..." he paused letting her fill in the blank.

"Mother," Colleen whispered. "I'm going to see my Mother."

"Well I'm sure she'll be really glad ta see ya," Nicholas guided her towards the platform, pleased to see the black engine ready and waiting, it's crown of steam indicating that engine 4 was on its final preparations before it left. "Here," Nicholas handed her bag to the Porter. "This is Jim," he introduced the train's porter to Colleen, "Jim, this is Colleen. She's going home to Colorado Springs to see her Ma," he raised his eyebrows pointedly at the porter. "I don't think Colleen is feeling too good."

"Ahh that's a shame," the porter cooed at her, sensing the fragility in the young woman. "Now shall we find ya a seat, Colleen," he took her elbow, nodding at Nicholas that he had her and he could be on his way. Gently he guided Colleen up onto the carriage and onto a seat near his perch where he could keep an eye on her. "We'll get ya back home to ya Ma, I'm sure she'll make ya feel better." He frowned as the young woman sat listlessly, her eyes falling onto her folded hands. "Do ya want something to eat, Miss Colleen? My wife makes a mean chocolate cake, I'll share it with ya if ya like."

"No thank you," Colleen looked up at him, making eye contact for the first time. "I just want to go home, everything will be alright when I get home."

"It not fair,"

Michaela frowned as Katie stomped into the clinic and sat on cot, immediately folding her arms and making a huffing noise.

"It not right," Katie announced loudly and made the huffing noise again.

"Katie, I am sorry you had to wait but I had a patient," Michaela's frown deepened surprised by Katie's sudden antipathy to her work. "I thought you would have fun with Ben."

"That ain't it," Klara muttered as she closed the door to the clinic, having just collected the little girl from the store while Michaela had completed the chart. "Penny is still writing to Samantha."

"My cousin Penny!" Katie tossed her head angrily. "Why is my cousin writing to Samanfa, she's not Samanfa's cousin." She raised her folded arms and dropped them back on her chest to emphasise her anger. "I like getting letters, I could write to Penny, but finked that she didn't want little kids to write to coz she's a grown up," she sighed, "and now Samanfa finded out that Penny gonna have a baby, before me. That's not right. Why didn't you tell me Mama?" she looked accusingly at her Mother. "I love babies it's vewy exciting waitin for em."

"I'm sorry Sweetheart," Michaela sat on the cot beside her angry little girl. "I didn't think you would want to know about Penny."

"I was her fowler girl, I mean flower girl," Katie looked at her mother with wide eyes. "We famly Mama I want to know, how I'm sposed to send her pwesent if I don't know?"

"You want to send Penny a present?" Michaela placed her arm around Katie's shoulder.

"Yes, to say well done for having a baby growing in her tummy," Katie nodded. "Why is she not writing to me, or Brian, she liked Brian, why does she like Samantha more?" she looked up at Michaela with sad eyes. "Did I upset her?"

"No Sweetheart," Michaela kissed Katie on the forehead. "Penny is helping me."

"Well actually she's helping me," Klara told the little girl as she sat down on the cot the other side of Katie. "I didn't want Horace to know who Signe was and I lied."

"You should never lie Klara!" Katie told the young nurse seriously.

"I know, but I did, and I said that Signe was part of a correspondence club, a lady who I wrote letters to but I didn't know," she sighed, "and Horace wanted the details because Samantha likes letters. I didn't know what to do, so I asked your Ma, and she suggested your Aunt Rebecca or Penny and Penny agreed."

"She saved your bacon," Katie smiled at Klara. "I sorry I..." she made the huffing noise "at you Mama."

"Thank you for saying that Sweetheart," Michaela kissed Katie in acceptance of the little girl's apology. "How did you know it was our Penny?"

"She lived in Boston and her Mama was called Rebecca and she got marwid Kistmas time, Samantha was telling all about her versary." Katie sighed. "I figured it out," she shrugged and slumped against Michaela. "I sorry Mama, I tired, I not nice when I tired I want it to be bed time."

"Bed time?" Michaela lifted Katie onto her knee.

"I can go to sleep at bed time," Katie yawned and glanced at the clock, "but the hands gotta go all da way round again for den."

"Katie you don't have to wait for bed time to go to sleep," Michaela rocked her daughter tenderly.

"I don't" Katie looked at her surprised.

"No if you are tired, and are not at school, you may tell me or your father and you may have a nap," Michaela kissed Katie. "You don't have to wait for bed time."

"Can I have nap Mama?" Katie asked yawning widely.

"You may," Michaela stood and cradled Katie like she was a very small child. "I shall bundle you up all tight and you can sleep as we ride Flash home," Michaela smiled as she watched Katie's eyes droop. "Klara I've finished Mr Benson's chart."

"I'll file it," Klara told her as she moved to collect Michaela's duster from the peg. "You get this one home," she draped Michaela's coat of the lady doctor's shoulder. "Have a good nap Katie."

"Fank you Kawa," Katie mumbled. "Love you."

"Love you too sweetie, be good for your Ma," Klara kissed the little girl. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night Klara," Michaela smiled at the young woman. "I hope you get as quiet night as Sully and I appear to be getting."

He smiled as he saw her dismount from the train, surprised as usually when the Cooper children returned home, someone in the family was there to meet them. Deciding he would have to honour Horace bustled out of the post office. "Hi there Colleen," he frowned as she jumped. "Sorry didn't mean ta frighten ya."

"It's alright," Colleen smiled weakly.

"Dr Mike didn't say ya were coming," Horace pushed her to one side gently so that he could take her bag from the carriage. "You gonna surprise her?"

"Um I guess. I had some time off school," Colleen fiddled nervously with her gloves. "I have to meet Brian, we shall be going to the homestead together," Colleen held her hand out to take her bag. "Thank you for your help."

"No bother," Horace looked her up and down. "Are you alright Colleen?"

"Oh Yes," Colleen forced herself to smile. "I'm just tired."

"Long trip from Philadelphia," Horace smiled at her. "You want me to walk you to Brian's? I go right past the gazette."

"No thank you Horace, I'll be fine," Colleen took her bag. "Thank you for asking."

"Alright," Horace took a step back to allow her to pass. He watched as she moved away from him, her grey outfit blending with the night as she moved in the general direction of the gazette. He sighed and shook his head, knowing that something was not quite right. He turned as he heard the sound of an incoming message. Dashing up the platform and into the office, he signalled down the wire that he was ready. He frowned as he took down the message.

To Dr Michaela Quinn, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Do not wish to alarm, but Colleen has gone missing, am working with Philadelphia police to locate her. Will contact you when have more news. Andrew.

Horace read the message over again, before tapping out a response.

To Dr Andrew Cook, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Colleen is safe arrived in Colorado Springs on last train tonight. On route to Sully homestead with Brian. Says she is fine but looks tired and upset. Will let Dr Mike know your concerns tomorrow. Horace Bing.

"Good Boy" Sully brushed his horse's flank clear of mud. It had rained earlier in the day and the ground had become muddy. With the girls in bed and Michaela cleaning up after dinner he had decided it was the perfect time to tend to the horses before he hoped a night of passion with his beautiful wife. He looked up as Taffy whinnied, followed by Flash, the horses picking up on something moving further down in the grounds. Instinctively he reached for his tomahawk, since Esmee's attack he had been jumpy when it came to things being on the homestead grounds that shouldn't be there. Quickly he made his way out of the paddock and towards the noise, after a few steps he could tell that it was a person, a lady, notable by the sound of her swishing skirt as she moved. Relieved that it was not some animal Sully could not fully relax until he knew who it was, the memories of what had occurred in January with the odious Irene O'Connor still fresh in his mind.

"Hello?" he called out, his hand gripping hold tightly to the handle of the tomahawk.

"Pa!"

Sully frowned just able to make out the garbled reply. The simple word lost in a mixture or tears and the wind. "Colleen?" he strained through the gloom to see her. He made out a figure, moving slowly towards him, quickly he sheathed his tomahawk. "Colleen?" he called again concerned by her lack of her response and her unannounced arrival. He moved quickly towards her, his pace quickening as he caught the sound of her tears. "Colleen?" he reached out to her lightly touching her arm.

"Oh Pa," Colleen sobbed.

Sully barely had time to react as her legs seemed to give way beneath her and Colleen collapsed to the ground. "Colleen?" Sully cradled her tenderly. "What's wrong?"

"I failed Pa, I failed," Colleen sobbed.

Sully braced her as her whole body shook with the pain that was forcing its way out of her. "Failed?" he frowned, she was cold. Quickly he rose, lifting his daughter into his arms and making his way to the house. "its Ok Colleen, yer gonna be Ok," he kissed her tenderly on her forehead. "CAELA!" he called out desperately for his wife, hoping that she would be able to help Colleen.

She appeared at the doorway in moments, "Sully what's wrong are ..." her eyes widened, "Colleen?" Michaela raced down the steps almost tripping over her blue skirt in her haste to reach the bottom. "Colleen?" Michaela touched her daughter's cheek terrified by her daughter's sobbing and lack of response to her. "Sully?"

"She just showed up," Sully whispered. "Let's get her inside."

"Colleen? Ma what's wrong with Colleen?" Brian whispered from the doorway, watching his parents with wide eyes as they tended to his newly arrived sister.

"I'm not certain Brian," Michaela bustled up the stairs. "May we use your room?"

"Sure," Brian nodded. "Colleen?" he reached to touch his sister as Sully carried her past her but she didn't react. "What's wrong with her Pa?"

"I don't know," Sully turned so that he could carry Colleen into the house. "Let your Ma tend to her, can you get her bag?"

"Sure Pa," Brian nodded. "You're gonna be Ok Colleen, you're gonna be Ok," he told his sister as Sully walked past him taking Colleen into the safety of the house. Slowly Brian made his way down the steps and moved in the direction that his parents had come from. He flicked his eyes up to the dark sky. "Please, let her be Ok, whatever it is just let her be Ok."

Michaela lifted the silver brush from Colleen's bag and brought it to the bed. She had coaxed her bewildered daughter into a night gown and removed the hat that had been pinned to Colleen's thick red hair. Michaela sat behind Colleen and gently started to pull the remaining pins from Colleen's hair. Colleen had stopped crying now, instead just sat staring into space, her brown eyes wide. Colleen had clearly not slept for many days, her eyes ringed with dark circles. Michaela grimaced as she began to brush Colleen's hair, her daughter having clearly not taken her hair down once during her journey.

"Sorry," she whispered to her daughter as the bristles of the brush caught in a tangle in Colleen's hair.

"I failed Ma," Colleen spoke, her voice quiet haunted and childlike.

"What did you fail?" Michaela rose and moved to a different position on the bed, hoping that she could make eye contact with her daughter. "Was it school?"

Colleen shook her head, her brown eyes flicking away from the wall and onto Michaela, "I failed."

Michaela held her arms open wanting desperately to hold her devastated daughter but not sure if Colleen would welcome the contact. She smiled weakly as Colleen fell into her, the young woman regressing to infancy and burying her face into her mother's chest. "The one thing I'm supposed to be able to do and I failed."

Michaela frowned trying to fathom what Colleen was talking about. Knowing she would not get the answer tonight or until Colleen had had a chance to break her tragic mood, Michaela slowly began to manoeuvre her daughter so that she and Colleen were resting against the pillows at the head of Brian's bed. "It's alright Colleen," Michaela kissed her crying daughter on the cheek. "Try and rest," she rocked Colleen comfortingly. "Rest, you are safe and warm and loved, everything will be alright."

"Promise?" Colleen whispered clinging onto Michaela tightly.

"I promise," Michaela kissed Colleen tenderly. "Come now close your eyes, everything will look better in the morning." Softly she began to hum the lullaby she sang to the babies, the soft lilting tune filling Brian's small room. She glanced down as she heard Colleen give a more calm breath, her breathing slowing from the shuddering mess to one of sleep. Michaela smiled as she saw Colleen had slipped into sleep, her exhaustion and melancholy claiming the young woman and pushing her into sleep easily. Carefully Michaela slipped her arm out from beneath Colleen and laid her daughter softly against the pillows. "Sleep well Darling," Michaela gently kissed Colleen on the forehead and lowered the lamp. She turned as she reached the doorway, able to look back at her daughter with confusion as she struggled to come up with a suggestion of what had distressed her daughter so much and hoping that with sleep it would indeed look better in the morning.

"You gonna be warm enough?" Sully asked Brian as he spread a blanket on the ground for Brian to sleep on. He looked towards his son, the tall seventeen year old staring up at the house. "Brian,"

"I'll be fine," Brian nodded. "Pa, what's wrong with her?" he tore his eyes away from the house. "I ain't ever seen her like this. It's almost like Ma when Ma got shot."

"Yeah," Sully swallowed, remembering those horrible days and weeks when Michaela had struggled with the after effects of her shooting. "I'm sure she will be Ok," Sully moved to place his hand comfortingly on Brian's shoulder, "She just needs some Love..."

"Why didn't Andrew show her love?" Brian interrupted, his face twisting with anger, "why wasn't he looking after her?"

Sully swallowed once more, the thoughts his son had just vocalised present in his own mind, wondering why the man he had entrusted his daughter to have allowed her to get into such a state.

"What if he did it to her?" Brian whispered, "What if he hurt her?"

"Andrew wouldn't do that," Sully responded quietly, silently hoping that his words were true, that Andrew was still the sweet gentle man that he knew, knowing that if he found out that Andrew had hurt Colleen there would be a man hard pressed to stop him from ripping Andrew to pieces.

"I hope your right Pa," Brian finally moved away from the door. "I don't know what I'd do if he had and I saw him."

Sully nodded in understanding, "I know, but I don't think it is that," he moved to his son and placed his hand on Brian's shoulder, "I really don't think it is that."

"What do you think it is then Pa?" Brian looked imploringly at his father. "Why is she like this? What if someone did to her what happened to Rosie? That's how Rosie was."

Sully swallowed the bile that rose into his mouth at Brian's words. "I hope yer wrong son," he guided Brian to the make shift bed in one of the stalls of the barn. "I don't think it would be that."

"I hope so too Pa," Brian sank onto the blanket and hugged his knees to his chest.

"Dr Mike."

Michaela turned to look at Horace as she continued to unlock the clinic door. "Good morning Horace, I'm afraid I cannot talk this morning. I have an appointment in a moment," she glanced across the street as she heard the cacophony of Sadie trying to carry her three, four month old children in a manner that agreed with them and failing.

"Oh I won't take ya time," Horace smiled kindly at her. "I was just hoping that Colleen was alright?"

"Colleen?" Michaela blinked wondering how Horace knew something was wrong with her daughter.

"Yeah she arrived last night, she was heading out to yours," Horace's eyes widening, horrified at the thought that Colleen had not made it to the house.

"Yes she did." Michaela nodded realising what her response must have seemed like. "You saw her at the station?"

"Yeah, she seemed upset." Horace reached into his pocket. "Right after she left I got this," he held out the telegram to her. "I sent a reply letting him know she was here."

Michaela scanned the telegram. "Thank you Horace."

"He said he would get here as soon as he could," Horace answered her question before Michaela had a chance to ask it. "Asks ya not to tell Colleen," he handed her another telegram. "I hope you can help her whatever it is that's bothering her," he bowed his head. "Hi there Sadie," he smiled at the frazzled looking young mother. "I better get on."

"Thank you Horace," Michaela called after him as he moved away. "Good morning Sadie," Michaela greeted the young woman instinctively reaching out and taking one of the girls from Sadie as it appeared the infant was about to fall to the ground.

"Thanks Dr Mike," Sadie breathed a sigh of relief and shifted the other two babies in her arm. "Need another one of well everything really, except babies I got enough of those," she frowned when Michaela didn't smile at her joke. "You alright Dr Mike?"

"I had a busy night," Michaela ushered Sadie into the room. "Colleen arrived last night, she is a little upset."

"She say why?" Sadie asked setting the babies down on the examination table.

"No," Michaela sighed. "She wasn't very communicative," Michaela glanced at the clock. "She said she would come into town later on, I am hopeful that she will open up then."

"Morning Michaela," Klara greeted her as she rushed in through the internal door. "Sorry I'm a little late I didn't get to sleep till late."

"Oh?" Michaela placed the baby girl next to her sibling.

"Rhys was being colicky again," Sadie rolled her eyes. "Klara is like the only one who can sort him out when he gets himself worked up."

"He'll grow out of it," Michaela muttered, as she collected their charts.

"You alright Michaela?" Klara frowned noting Michaela's subdued demeanour.

"I think problems with children ain't reserved for babies," Sadie placed her hand on Rhys' tummy and lightly tickled it.

"Are the girls alright?" Klara looked alarmed at Michaela.

"The younger ones are fine," Michaela assured her. "Colleen turned up unexpectedly last night, it appears she left her home without telling Andrew, I am a little uncertain of the details," Michaela rubbed her temple. "Especially as she arrived last night the same time that Andrew notified us she was missing. From memory it takes the best part of a week to get to Colorado Springs from Philadelphia."

"Maybe he was away," Klara pointed out. "Do you want me to push your other appointments?"

"Um yes that would probably be wise," Michaela shook her head. "But ..."
"I'll deal with Danny Bailey," Klara comfortingly placed her hand on Michaela's forearm. "Is Sully gonna bring her in with the little ones?"

"Yes," Michaela smiled. "She was in the process of getting ready this morning. Sleep did her good. She seemed almost her usual self, just wary of Esmee and Violet."

"Wary of the girls?" Klara raised her eyebrows surprised. "Probably the noise."

"Yes," Michaela nodded. "Now, how are these little ones doing?" She scanned the squirming babies on the table. "Jordana's foot is looking better, a few more months and it shall be impossible to tell her and Linda apart."

"Yes," Sadie tickled her daughter. "We're doing the exercises every day; it's straightening out really well. Only problem now is Rhys' colic," she smiled at Klara. "But we have big sister who helps with that."

"That should clear in the next month or so," Michaela assured her. "Colic usually clears by the time a child is 6 months."
"Good to know," Sadie leant down and kissed her chubby little boy. "You're doing Mama's and Dada's head in aren't you? Yes you are, yes you are!"

Michaela smiled as she watched the baby interact with his mother, attempting to grab her face. "He obviously saves his good behaviour for when he comes out."

"Sure does," Sadie grinned. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Michaela noted the slight ring of concern in Sadie's voice.

"Jordy and Lindy both rolled over the other day, they did it by accident, but they keep trying now, and keep trying to raise their heads, like they are trying to sit up."

"But Rhys doesn't," Michaela smiled at the young mother. "Babies develop at their own pace."

"Sides he's like Hank," Klara commented, returning to the table with three syringes. "He's so laid back he's almost horizontal most times anyway."

"I guess," Sadie eyes the syringes nervously. "We gotta give them the shots?"

"I'm afraid so," Michaela lifted Linda from the examination table. "I'll weigh and measure them first and then we shall inoculate them, they may be a bit coldy if they react but it will pass."

"Great," Sadie rolled her eyes. "Sounds like Mama and Dada are gonna have a great night!"

Michaela opened the door for Sadie to take the babies back home, the infants where still snuffling, having protested loudly at getting their shots. "I'm sorry Sadie," Michaela apologised once again.

"Don't sweat it," Sadie smiled at her. "I would like it less if they got sick. Oh hey there Colleen," Sadie frowned as Colleen took a larger step back then necessary to allow her to get past.

"Colleen," Michaela moved to greet her daughter.r "Did Sully take the girls to the house with him?" she looked surprised. Sully was working on Horace's house as and when Horace could afford the materials, but each time he went he always left the girls with her so that they did not get in the way of him working or injure themselves.

"Oh Dr Mike," Sadie turned back to Michaela. "I forgot to say congrats on being a great aunt, well almost Klara told me."

"A great aunt?" Colleen whispered.

"Yes, Penny's pregnant, she's due in late Septem..." Michaela's voice trailed off as she caught the look of pain in Colleen's face. She gasped as she put together the meaning of Colleen's wariness of the babies, the babbling that she had failed meant. "Oh Colleen!"

"Ma," Colleen burst into tears.

"I'll go get the girls," Klara darted out of the doorway to give Michaela and Colleen privacy.

Michaela barely registered what Klara had said instead wholly intent on getting Colleen into the safety of the clinic. Carefully she guided Colleen to sit on the cot. "Oh Colleen I'm sorry."

"I failed Ma," Colleen whispered, "he was so excited when I told him, and within two weeks it was gone."

"Oh Sweetheart," Michaela held her daughter as Colleen cried for her lost baby.

She sat cradling Colleen for several moments fighting the urge to cry herself as she listened to Colleen sobbing in her arms. Finally when Colleen's sobs died to shuddering inhalations she broached the question. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Colleen slowly sat up and pulled herself out of her mother's arms. "I know why it happened and I know that it probably wasn't my fault and that women have ..." she paused unable to say the horrible word.

"I had one," Michaela gently reminded her daughter, "a lot of women do."

"I know, I know all this," Colleen whimpered slightly, clearly fighting with another bout of tears, "but it was still my baby."

"What happened?" Michaela took Colleen's hand.

"I figured it out on our way back after Christmas how'd I'd felt nauseous the whole time, when we got back I asked Andrew to examine me and I was... I've never heard the words a pregnant cervix said more happily. And then two weeks later I had to go on the train, it was so bumpy and on the way back I started to feel cramps, and I tried to make it to Andrew but it got so bad I couldn't..." she paused and wiped her cheeks. "Out of nowhere this doctor that Andrew works under just appeared and he picked me up and he carried me to the hospital they were taking my clothes off and my petticoats were just covered in blood and I knew what had happened but it was the look on his face when he came in."

"Oh Colleen I'm sorry," Michaela hugged her daughter. "Why didn't you tell us? I could have come and been with you."

"Brian wired us to tell us what had happened with O'Connor's wife," Colleen mumbled, "and everyone was telling me that this happened and I would more than likely be able to have more children." Colleen closed her eyes, remembering the horrible evening, "they kept me in overnight till I expelled it," she took a shuddering breath, "and Andrew just collected it off the bed and said to the nurse that I passed the tissue," she burst into tears once more, "it wasn't tissue, that was our baby, Ma and he just gave it to them to throw away!"

"Oh Sweetheart," Colleen held Colleen tightly. "It wasn't your fault this happened you didn't fail. It's a perfectly natural thing, heartbreaking but natural."

Colleen looked up into her mother's eyes, "But what if the train..."

"The baby was probably already gone by then. If it did anything it probably hastened the bleeding," Michaela kissed Colleen. "It wasn't your fault Sweetheart."

"I know all this, I just I needed to talk to someone, after they let me go from the hospital they signed me off from school for two weeks and for those two weeks he was so tender to me and he looked after me, but I could see it in his face how disappointed he was." Colleen took another shuddering breath, her slender frame shaking uncontrollably as she tried to continue a coherent conversation with her mother. "Then when those two weeks were up it was like I was supposed to be back to normal, just move on like it didn't happen, like it hadn't existed."

"It would be different for Andrew," Michaela defended her son in law. "I know he is a physician but he couldn't possibly understand that two weeks was not enough for your body to return to normal or for you to be over the miscarriage." Michaela blinked as Colleen tensed at the use of the word, "he's just a man, only a woman can understand that."

"I guess," Colleen sighed, "but it was like there was this distance, and he wanted to you know," she waved her hand to indicate sex, "but I couldn't. I didn't feel ready and he got angry and we argued and every day the more sad I got the more alone I felt." She gave a half smile. "It's stupid in one of the biggest cities in the country and I felt alone. Andrew went away for a conference in New York I just had to leave, it's like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me." Colleen gripped hold of Michaela's wrists, "and the worst bit was, I was packing and I went to get the money that Andrew kept in the desk and I found the deed to a house, he had purchased it two days after we found out. He had bought a house for our family and I couldn't give him that."

Michaela closed her eyes as she listened to her daughter's high tear laden voice, wiping her own cheeks she lifted Colleen's chin and opened her eyes so that she and Colleen had eye contact. "You will give him that Colleen. I had mine, and afterwards I had Esmee and Violet, you will give him that family. Everything will be ok."

"I don't know Ma," Colleen whispered, "he just gave it to them to throw away, our baby Ma, how could he do that? How could he?"

Michaela turned her head into Sully's hand as he lightly touched her shoulder. She smiled weakly as he knelt beside her, his thick finger coming up to brush the tear from her cheek. "I'm alright."

"Tough day," Sully whispered as he lightly touched her cheek.

"Yes," Michaela sighed.

"You want some holdin?" Sully asked her softly.

"Yes," Michaela leaned forward dropping onto Sully's lap and grasping his arms that encircled her. "She didn't tell us for two months, she was suffering by herself, slipping further and further into melancholy and I didn't know."

"How were ya to know? I read her letters, the telegrams, they sounded normal," Sully kissed her on the temple. "I didn't pick anything up, it ain't something you put in a letter."

"I want to be angry at Andrew for making her feel like this but I can't," Michaela sniffed. "How did you feel when..." she looked at the ground.

"When it happened for us?" Sully swallowed "It had already happened when you told me and all I could think was that I had been useless to ya, coz I wasn't there for ya and it felt like I'd been stabbed, thinking about ya all alone going through it with just Katie and the Boys. I was sad we lost a baby but it was worse that you were by yourself when it happened."

"I was alright," Michaela whispered. "Dorothy and Grace looked after me."

"But it shoulda been me," Sully kissed her tenderly on the forehead. "Then when ya fell for Esmee, I was so excited but at the same time I was so scared that it would happen again. And then I started to relax the bigger ya got and then you got all sad because Matthew left and that scared me. And then the fire and you got all sick at the end. It wasn't till we were holdin her and ya both fine did I start ta breath properly again."

"I didn't know that," Michaela touched his face, her fingers tracing along the stubble of his jaw line.

"Didn't want to worry ya," Sully kissed her wrist. "You had enough ta worry about. You didn't need my fears as well."

"Oh Sully," Michaela gently held his face. "You are sweet wonderful man!"

Sully wrinkled his nose, "If ya say so."

"I do," Michaela kissed him sweetly, her lips brushing against his for a brief moment. "I love you."

"And I love ya right back," Sully smiled at her. "Here let's get ya ta bed, holding is much more comfy there."

"I agree," Michaela disentangled herself from her husband and moved slowly to the bed, her body felt drained, exhausted from dealing with Colleen and then presenting a happy front for the girls though she was certain her little ones had seen right through it, especially judging by how cuddly they had been. She sat heavily on the bed and watched as Sully first checked Violet and then removed his shirt. "Did you ever wonder if I was right?"

"Right?" Sully looked at her curiously. "You mean if it was a boy?" Sully shook his head. "No, I was just glad it happened when it did, and not later, not like with Abagail and Hannah. If you'd have gone through the whole thing and then not..., you know."

"I know," Michaela sighed heavily. She raised her arms, her knees moving apart so that he could step between them. The corners of her mouth turned up into an almost smile as he stepped between her legs and she slipped her arms around his waist, her cheek coming to rest on his warm skin, the feeling of his strong developed muscles beneath his skin belying the sweet gentleness that was his manner. "Do you ever think about them?"

"Hannah and the baby?" Sully nodded. "Yeah, and Abagail and Charlotte, Black Kettle, Snowbird, all the friends and family we lost. Guess I got one more to add my list."

"Yes we do," Michaela shuddered.

"She'll be Ok Michaela, with time she'll be ok," Sully rubbed her back. "In a couple years this will just be a horrible memory."

"I hope so," Michaela tightened her grip on him.

"Hey we'll get our grandkids," Sully smiled lifting her face to look up at him. He kissed her lovingly on the mouth. "Colleen will be a Ma. Everything will be OK," he pushed her back onto the bed and climbed in beside her, spooning up tight next to her and drinking in her scent. "Everything will be OK."

"Colwe,"

Michaela glanced round the fireplace as she heard Esmee scream her version of Colleen's name and erupt into giggles. In the three days since Colleen had admitted what had happened her eldest daughter had started to heal, she no longer regarded all children with wide tear filled eyes or at the very least no longer regarded her sisters in that way. This morning she had even started to play with the children, joining in with their games which had led to the place there were now with Esmee giggling hysterically as she lay across Colleen's knee, as Colleen lightly tickled her chubby little belly. Michaela smiled and slowly intruded into the living room, having spent most of the morning in the kitchen to let Colleen relax as much as possible. She had taken the last three days off to tend to her daughter and each day she had seen her improve, yet she had felt that Colleen had been reserved in her company, and when she perceived she was alone, as she had last night when Michaela had found her and Katie drawing together Colleen had the biggest breakthroughs.

"Mama," Esmee called out to her, the little girl's giggles reaching the realms of true belly laughs. "Mama elp, Colwe ickle Esee," the toddler pitched to one side nearly rolling off Colleen's lap.

"Colleen's tickling you," Michaela smiled and got onto her knees so she was head level with Esmee. "Mama thought you liked being tickled," Michaela joined in tickling the child, delighting in the fact that Esmee continued to howl with laughter. She turned as Violet collapsed onto her legs. "What about you?" Michaela lifted her youngest onto her lap and tried to tickle Violet. She started to laugh as Violet gave her a thoroughly bemused look. "You're not ticklish then," she smiled and kissed her daughter on the top of her fine auburn hair.

"Colwe sop," Esmee tried to sit up as she tried to get her breath back, "love uuuu Colwe," she slumped against Colleen's side in a breathy hug. "Colwe love Esee?"

Michaela smiled up at her daughter as she watched the expression of pure joy pass across Colleen's face.

"Yeah," Colleen kissed her sister. "Colleen loves Esmee."

Michaela hugged Violet as her heart felt like it would burst due to the abundance of joy she felt by watching Esmee smile adoringly up at Colleen. She gave a frustrated gasp at the sound of a knock on the door. So far Klara had been excellent at keeping the patients away but it seemed as though her luck had finally run out.

"PAPA OOOR!" Esmee screeched for her father who was upstairs assembling a cot for Brian in Esmee's room so he did not have to sleep in the barn, as it appeared that Colleen would be staying for a while longer.

"Mama can get the door," Michaela rose and touched Esmee's nose. "And we must remember to use our inside voice." Settling Violet onto her hip Michaela moved to the front door, as she neared she could see through the pane of glass who was beyond the threshold to the homestead and she swallowed. Tentatively she opened the door, "Andrew?"

"Michaela, is she here? Is she alright?" Andrew stared at her desperately, his young face aged immeasurably in the weeks since Michaela had last seen him at Christmas.

"Colwe OW!"

Michaela turned at the sound of Esmee's yelp. Colleen had risen from the chair, and was clutching Esmee tightly, too tightly for the child's liking. Colleen's eyes were wide open once more, the white of her visible around all of her iris.

"Colleen!" Andrew slipped past Michaela.
"No," Colleen shook her head. "I don't want you to be here. Why are you here?"

"You just vanished," Andrew pointed out. "I was worried, you didn't leave any note, you left nothing! I didn't know what to expect!"

"I don't want you here," Colleen repeated again. "MA!"

"It's alright Colleen, put Esmee down and you can go upstairs," Michaela soothed.

"Alright Andrew," Sully greeted his son in law as he ran down the stairs. Sully glanced at his distraught daughter and moved closer to Andrew. "Come on, lets you and me take a walk. This is a girls only party for now," he guided the young man out of the house, his hand brushing across Michaela's back as he passed her leaving her to deal with Colleen while he dealt with the other part of the young pair who had been through the tragic trauma.

"She hates me," Andrew whispered sadly as he stepped down onto the driveway.

"She don't hate you," Sully shook his head. "She's been through a lot. Takes a woman a long time to get over this happening," he gave Andrew a pointed look.

"I know," Andrew sighed, "but I don't know what to say to her, she looks at me like she expects me to be angry at her, every time I go near her she looks terrified like I'm going to force myself on her.

"It's different for them and us, we can only watch while they live through it," Sully sighed, he patted Andrew on the back guiding him to walk the loop of the driveways and the road beyond. "I don't know what she told Caela, but I know what Caela went through, but I didn't have to see it happen. I was lucky that way."

Andrew bowed his head. "It was awful, when I saw Anthony carrying her in, my head felt like it was exploding, I didn't know what to think." Andrew took his hat off and ran the brim through his hands, "and then I watched as they were undressing her and she was just covered in…" he pushed his finger and thumb either side of the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the tears from flowing. "I was so scared, I thought I was going to lose her. When she was up on the ward, they only let me sit with her because I was on the staff and I wish they hadn't. Every so often she would make this noise and it felt like it would kill me if she made it again. And then," he gasped, "she passed it, what was left of the baby. I picked it up, I was holding it, and the nurse just took it away. I wanted to make her stop. I wanted to tell her to let me take it so I could bury it, because it was our baby but that isn't the way they do things," he glanced at Sully. "It would have been different if it were here, Michaela would have let me."

"Sounds like you guys need to talk," Sully placed a comforting arm on Andrew's back. "From what Caela told me, seems like you are both hurting over the same things."

"I did try," Andrew admitted, "but it all went wrong and I got angry at her," he sighed and rubbed his hands. "I told her she had to stop dwelling and try to move on, that we couldn't change what happened, and since then…well, you can see," Andrew sighed. "I don't want her to forget, I will never forget but how can she get back to being Colleen? How can we move forward and maybe try again? If all she wants to do is focus on the pain."

"I don't know Andrew," Sully told his son in law sincerely. "If there was a quick fix I woulda used it myself, but Caela managed to move past it, I'm guessing a lotta women do," he patted Andrew on the back as they turned back towards the house.

"I bought a house, did she tell you?" Andrew asked still trying to control the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. "Two days after we found out, I was walking to work and I saw it, it was perfect, the perfect house for our family and I bought it just like that. I was gonna give it to her on her birthday surprise her, I was gonna get it painted all how she would like it. She hates that apartment, but this house, it's got these yards, it's not here, but it's just her, I saw it and knew. I know she knows, she moved the paperwork about. I don't know what I should do."

"You bought it for her, you should let her see it," Sully smiled. "You should decide together what to do with it. Maybe it's the push she needs to move forward."

"But how do I do that Sully?" Andrew looked at Sully imploringly. "She ran away from me, she doesn't even speak to me."

"You leave that to her Ma," Sully grinned. "I don't know if you noticed but Caela can be quite persuasive when she wants."

Michaela knocked hesitantly on Brian's door, when Colleen did not answer she pushed open the door, "Colleen?"

"I don't want to see him," Colleen shook her head emphatically.

"Colleen," Michaela sat on the bed beside her daughter. "He's worried about you," she took Colleen's hand. "He loves you."

Colleen stared at her with large tear filled eyes, "He still..."

"Sweetheart," Michaela cut Colleen off. "You know what hospitals are like, he wouldn't have had a choice."

"I don't know how to speak to him Ma," Colleen whispered tears rolling down her cheeks. "I ruined everything."

"No you didn't," Michaela lifted Colleen's chin up. "If you had ruined everything he would not have travelled across the country to find you," she smiled serenely at her daughter. "Please Colleen just speak with him. Your father and I will be there with you."

"Ma," Colleen whimpered, but instead as Michaela feared collapsing in tears she took a shuddering breath. "What if we can't?"

"You don't know if you do not try," Michaela rose from the bed, pulling Colleen with her. She smiled as Colleen obediently complied, slowly following Michaela to the stairs.

Slowly Colleen and Michaela descended the stairs Michaela smiling comfortingly at her daughter, a warm smile that came from fierce maternal love that he felt for all her children and that gripped her soul. She drew Colleen to stand in front of Andrew and linked the young couple's hands together.

"I'm so sorry," Andrew burbled at her. "I just didn't know what...I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Colleen whispered automatically, her eyes flicked over to her parents as if asking for help.

"I think yous two forget," Sully piped up seeing his daughter's silent plea. "We lost one of our babies, but," he moved to the playpen where Michaela had placed the babies. He smiled at his two daughters in the pen, both of the toddlers smiling up at him adoringly. "We got these two."

"Indeed," Michaela crossed to join Sully. "I know you feel like you will never get over it, and you never will, but, it does get easier."

"Andrew ya said the house had yards," Sully changed the subject abruptly.
"Yes," Andrew stared at his father in law bewildered.

"When we lost our baby, I went for a walk to clear out my head and I found this little sapling struggling to grow in the shadow of another tree. I replanted it in the sunlight," Sully smiled at Michaela touching her elbow, communing his love for her. "Now it's one of our favourite places to have a picnic."

"So, what does that have to do with Colleen's...our miscarriage?" Andrew squeezed Colleen's hand.

"I like to think that little tree is our baby, getting bigger and stronger each year," Sully moved his hand from Michaela's arm to her back pulling her closer to him. "That the tree is a representative of the life our baby could have had. Now when we go back, it's leaves are starting to spread and it provides it's sisters shelter from the hot sun." Sully kissed Michaela softly. "You could do the same. A way of remembering the baby ya never got to bury."

"Memorialise him," Andrew smiled.

"That's a lovely idea Pa," Colleen blinked sending a fresh shower of tears down her cheeks.

"It is," Michaela kissed Sully back lovingly on the mouth, she lingered for a moment, smiling up at him with enormous adoration. "I love you."

"I love you too," Sully kissed her once more. "You'll have a baby one day Colleen."

"Of course you will," Michaela turned her attention back to the young couple, "and this terrible time will only help you get stronger."

"I hope you are right," Andrew smiled as Colleen stepped ever closer to him.

"Mama Papa wight," Esmee made her presence known. "Mama Papa Yep," the little girl grinned as her father scooped her out of the playpen. "Colwe Mama Papa yep," she gave her father a slobbering kiss. "Love Papa, love Mama."

"We love you Na'he," Sully kissed their daughter, the little girl the perfect representation of what Colleen and Andrew had to look forward to, the proof that it was possible to move forward from that terrible time, that they could get what they wanted and that at some point in the future, it would be possible for Colleen to make he and Michaela grandparents.