More Than Duty Chapter 14
Mary twisted her hands nervously as the car drove toward Downton Abbey. The six weeks that she had been gone seemed achingly long without Matthew's presence, but somehow also much too short as she worried about what she knew she must do upon her return. Mary's thoughts were so focused on what she must do that she barely heard Edith as she chattered excitedly about her recent engagement to Sir Anthony.
As the car pulled into the long driveway, Mary glanced out the window and saw her husband waiting outside the main door. She knew from their letters and their few brief phone calls that he was anxiously awaiting her return. Mary had resolved to tell Matthew about Pamuk almost immediately upon her return for fear that otherwise she might lose her nerve.
When the car came to a stop, Matthew, in his excitement at being reunited with Mary, breached protocol and opened the car door himself rather than waiting for a servant to do so. He held out his hand and assisted Sybil and then Edith before Mary finally emerged. This breath caught in his throat when he saw her, and while Matthew could feel the ridiculously grin spread across his face, he didn't care. He had missed her dreadfully these past several weeks and did not care who knew how happy he was to see her.
There eyes met as she stepped out of the car and he lifted her hand to his lips. "Welcome home darling." The spark between them was palpable, and he had to resist the urge to kiss her full on the lips in view of everyone.
"Shall we go in and have tea, my dear?" Matthew suggested before he threw caution to the wind and carried her directly up to their bedroom.
"I was rather hoping we might take a stroll around the grounds," Mary suggested. She knew she needed privacy to tell Matthew, but not wanting to taint their bedroom in the future with the memory of her telling him something guaranteed to hurt him.
"Of course," Matthew agreed, enormously pleased that she wanted to be alone immediately, away from the watchful eyes all around Downton.
As they walked away from the house, Matthew made small talk about Sybil's season, Edith's engagement, and estate business, but Mary's answers were as brief as possible as she steeled herself for what was coming. When Matthew determined that they were far enough away from the house to not be observed, he pulled Mary behind a tree and kissed her sounded. Mary did not resist, wanting at least one more memory of his lips on hers.
"God, Mary you don't know how much I've missed you. I've been looking forward to that for weeks," he admitted before kissing her again. This time, his lips traveled from her lips, across her jaw, and behind her ear where she heard him whisper huskily "I've been looking forward to all sorts of things."
Pulling back, he looked into her face and saw something unexpected - regret. "Mary, what's wrong?"
Mary closed her eyes briefly, hoping against hope that kiss would not be there last as a result of what she was about to tell him. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and forced herself to begin telling him the story she knew was long overdue. "Matthew, I have to tell you something I very much fear will change everything."
"Mary there is nothing…" he began to protest until she covered his mouth with her hand.
"No, please don't say that, this could change everything, this could make you despise me. Please just listen because this is hard enough to say," she said pulling her hand back and taking a few steps away from him, needing the distance if she was to tell him.
Matthew was confused by her claim, but confident that there was nothing she could say that would change anything, let alone make him despise her. He could see from her face though that she was emotionally distraught and needed to unburden herself so he willed himself to be silent and listen.
"Do you remember a Turkish diplomat that visited Downton, Mr. Pamuk?" Mary asked.
"The gentleman who died in bed?" Matthew asked, his confusion growing at what the dead Turk could have to do with them now.
"He didn't die in his bed," she said, pausing before she continued. "He died in mine."
Upon hearing this, Matthew felt all the air leave his body. He simply could not believe the words she had spoken. "Were you…." he paused as he struggled to get the words out. "Were you intimate with him?" he finally managed to choke out.
Mary nodded, as she bit her bottom lip, trying in vain to keep the tears from falling.
"Did he force you?" Matthew finally asked. As horrible as the thought was, at least Mary would be blameless.
Mary shook her head as the tears began to fall.
"Oh God," he muttered, feeling sick to his stomach as her admission sunk in. His Mary had been with someone else. He could not understand how she had given herself to someone she had known for mere hours. He was sickened by the knowledge that someone else had touched her in the ways he only been dream of for weeks. He turned his back on her as he tried to get his breathing under control, fearing that he would lose the contents of his stomach.
"Oh Matthew, I am so, so sorry," Mary said, reach out to touch his shoulder but she was rebuffed as he shrugged her hand off. "I know that I'm Tess of the d'Urbervilles to your Angel Clair, but …"
"No Mary, you aren't Tess," Matthew said turning back to face her, his face filled with anger, shock, and sorrow. "Tess didn't try to deceive the man she said she loved. She at least tried to tell him before he married her. So no Mary, you are not Tess."
"I thought about telling you, more often then I can say, but.."
"But you didn't really try to tell me, did you? You played me for a fool, Mary. Even if I could forgive you for Pamuk, how can I forgive you for that? I can't be sure, of you or anything it seems."
"Matthew, please. You can't know how sorry I am, for Pamuk, for my silence, for everything," she pleaded, reaching out for him again.
"No, Mary, I can't… I can't look at you right now," he said, as all his dreams over the past several weeks faded away. A part of him wanted to forgive her and pull her into his arms, but he knew he would never be able to trust her again so he could not give in to that urge. "I have to go," he said simply.
"Go where?"
"Away. Anywhere but here," he said, knowing couldn't think clearly when she was around. Perhaps he would go back to Manchester, perhaps to London, he just needed time and space to try to work this out in his head, to see if there was a way to forgive her, and if there wasn't, what options did he have given that they were already married. "I wish you had told me before we married."
"Would you still have married me?"
"I couldn't say with complete certainty, but I think I would have," he said softly as he walked away from her without looking back for fear his will would break.
"So I've ruined everything," she whispered through her tears, never having been so sad about being right.
TBC
Author's Note: So it is time for the angst. I know some of you wanted it and some of you didn't, but I think a few chapters of angst are required after her confession. Remember, this is Matthew before the war and he has yet to learn to separate the things that matter from the things that don't. Also, he does not yet know the truth about her encounter with Pamuk and that although she says she was not forced, she really didn't have a choice either. Please know there will be a happy ending. I hope that despite the angst you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know - I love to hear your thoughts and it encourages me to keep writing.