Ithaca, NY, present day
Jasper pursued Carlisle to his BMW, his eyes wide and frantic, throwing himself in front of the driver's side door as a means of delay.
"You have to be able to do something for her!"
"Jasper, she needs time. She will come around. Edward said her mind is sound enough, and there are no medications that will work on a vampire."
"But surely, you could speak with her? Talk therapy? Carlisle, she's barely moved in two weeks! She's desperately in need of a hunt and I cannot even get her to walk downstairs with me."
"And you've tried your gift?" Carlisle inquired, knowing the answer.
"It keeps her from shaking, but it hasn't shattered her reverie in any sense. Carlisle... She's my world. You understand that. I need to help her."
Jasper turned his gaze towards their bedroom window, knowing without seeing that Alice was sitting on the bed, curled beneath a blanket, turning the pages in a dusty leather book, her concentration unshakeable. At best, he'd learned he could manage a conversation as the book was finished, but eventually, her eyes would haze, and her hands would re-open it at the beginning. Sometimes, she read aloud, almost theatrically, giving each character a voice. Other times, she sat silently, reading each page excruciatingly slow. Jasper now missed the human need for sleep; if she were able to sleep, he would be able to hide the book from her and force her to talk.
Carlisle placed a reassuring hand upon his shoulder, "I have faith in Alice. I sense she's trying to make sense from the text in some specific way. Be there for her. Give her space as well. Rosalie and Emmett are home now; perhaps they can help distract her. I don't disagree that she needs to talk to us; Esme's beside herself with worry, what with Edward gone to Vancouver after that spate of killings there and Alice out of sorts. But she's had a tremendous shock. She deserves some time to be in shock. If she worsens, call me."
Jasper sighed, "I hope you're right, Carlisle. I just want to see her smile again. She doesn't smile."
Carlisle gently moved past him, unlocking the car and stowing his briefcase in the back, "She will. Soon."
Jasper watched the car pull swiftly out of the driveway, his hands shaking slightly. Too much energy and too little to be done. He wanted action; he wanted a monster he could fight. He wanted to find whatever had harmed his Alice and destroy it utterly and completely, pluck her from her troubled delirium and bring her back to their world, where nights were spent under the stars, their bodies barely touching and yet alive with passion. Nights in the study, reciting plays and poetry for fun, their laughter lilting through the house. Nights spent in bed, endless moments of ecstasy and joy, his mouth upon her flesh, devouring every inch in frenzied kisses, every time as magical as the first.
Slipping inside the front door, Jasper nearly collided with Esme, who was emerging from the living room. Her caramel hair was loosely braided, her chocolate brown dress adding a hint of copper flame to the locks. Her amber eyes were filled with worry and sadness, and Jasper went to work immediately to soothe her. At least Esme will still respond to my calming methods, he mused.
"How is she doing, Jasper?"
"The same. Carlisle thinks it will end soon. I'm not so certain, myself. Apart from taking the book and burning it, I'm not certain what else I can do. But I fear the repercussions of taking from her the one tangible piece of her human life she possesses."
Esme nodded, embracing him, "No, we mustn't destroy it, and hiding it is far too difficult with Alice's gifts in play. We'd have to be incredibly indecisive about it. And what if we forgot where we'd placed it?"
Jasper sighed, "Have you tried speaking to her again?"
Esme shook her head, "It breaks my heart to see her this way. You know how dear all of my children are to me. I cannot bear this immense sadness that seeing her lost this way brings. It's far too close to my own experiences..."
Esme's voice trailed away, and Jasper stepped up his efforts to soothe her. Her words had reminded him of something he'd forgotten: Esme understood mental distress. Perhaps she could explain to Alice about how it wasn't something that should upset her or shame her. Esme was a wonderful mother, a thoughtful woman who had simply fallen into a deep state of grief. Alice was not alone in needing a time to absorb all she'd come to learn. And perhaps Esme could explain it to him, as well.
"Esme… When you… Why did you…?"
Esme nodded, "It's incredibly complex to explain to someone who has not been inside my head, Jasper. But picture, if you will, something that is the entire reason for hope in your life. The one thing that anchors you. It's the one accomplishment you feel you have in your life, and you would do anything to keep it safe."
Alice. Loving Alice. Finding her. Jasper nodded silently, noting Esme's mood slowly settling into a mellow calm.
Esme continued, "Now, what if a force beyond your control, something you never could have predicted nor thwarted, took that away from you? In your hands lays the broken form… Of what was once pure beauty and innocence. What can you do? You cannot turn to your other successes to reassure yourself that this was but one sad event, completely out of your control. You cannot undo what is done. What do you have left, when your worth is defined by that success that has now fallen to pieces?"
Esme turned towards the stairs, her eyes fixed on the door to Alice and Jasper's room, shaking her head, "What you do, is give up. Your mind begins to slow, because when you allow yourself to think, you can only see everything that might have been done in hindsight. You criticize every choice, every decision, looking for a magic bullet of an answer to how you might have saved what was so precious. You begin to wonder what sort of person you are, that you might let something so crucial slip through your grasp. You wonder what you may have done to deserve this awful tragedy. Some of us choose to decisively cease all our ruminating, all of our misery. Some of us reach out, and make it through. But some of us… Shut down and withdraw from the world. We go deep within, seeking a refuge from our own inner judge and jury."
Jasper nodded, feeling himself calm down ever so slightly. Esme was the first sort; she'd chosen to end her suffering in the most absolute way possible, only to be spared by fate's intervention. Alice was the third sort; she was using the book as a form of avoidance, losing herself in the pages until any fears about what else she might find ebbed away, bringing brief moments of peace. She was protecting herself. And, in doing so, she'd left Jasper helpless, feeling inadequate without some means of keeping her safe.
"Thank you, Esme," he finally said, barely audible, "I think… I think I know what she's doing now. I just wish she wouldn't shut me out…"
Esme smiled, embracing him warmly, "She hasn't completely shut you out, son. She called for you to bring her here, knowing it was safe. She trusted you to keep her body safe. She is tending to her mind. You have a role to play, and right now, that is convincing her to hunt. Her eyes are darker than I have ever seen. If it takes Emmett and Rosalie dragging her outside, please get her to drink today?"
"I will. It may take just that."
"They've gone out to explore the new territory just now; they barely had a chance before Rosalie became fixated on France. I'll send them up when they return."
Jasper forced a smile, heading up the spiral staircase slowly, bracing himself for the sight that had sent crushing waves of agony through his chest for weeks. He chanted, as if it were a mantra, his newly understood reassurance.
She's protecting her mind. She's afraid of what she found. She's scared. She needs to feel safe. She loves you. She trusts you. She's protecting her mind…
Opening the door slowly, he found his love where he'd left her, shrouded in a cashmere throw blanket in a rich shade of burgundy, her hair messier than usual, clad in black yoga pants and a v-neck baby blue sweater. She'd changed today, at least; that was comforting. She'd spent the first four days home clad in the same clothes he'd carefully dressed her in, discarding the muddy garments he'd found her in. Her delicate fingers turned the page, the book nearly done, a slight smile crossing her lips as she silently mouthed the text. Summoning his courage, he went to work, attempting to calm her, settling onto the bed beside her and placing his hand upon her shoulder.
"Alice… Could we talk please?"
She did not raise her eyes from the text, but her left hand raised slightly, quickly flashing her index finger. One minute. She turned to the last page, eyes rapidly scanning and absorbing the words that surely she'd memorized by now. Jasper fought the urge to strip it from her hands and toss it out the window. He needed to be patient with her.
Alice closed the book slowly, leaning against his chest slightly, "Yes?"
Waves of relief rolled through Jasper as he wrapped his arms around her, "Alice, sweetheart, you need to hunt. You're very thirsty."
"Am I? I didn't notice…"
Her voice trailed away, and her eyes shut for a few moments. Jasper wanted to cry out for joy. The last time he'd told her these very words, she'd simply announced that she needed to read and re-opened the book. This was progress, ever so slight. He rained kisses down upon her head, inhaling her scent, holding her tighter. He swore he heard a slight murmur slip from her lips.
"It's been two weeks, Alice. You've been distracted by your reading."
Alice's eyes opened, searching for the book on the bed, "Yes… The book…"
No. No way. Making a snap decision, Jasper took hold of the book, tossing it onto the desk across the room. Alice's jaw dropped open in surprise. She sat upright, but seemed torn between retrieving her treasure and remaining beside Jasper.
"Wha-what are you doing?"
Jasper turned Alice to face him, his face stern, "I won't take it away forever, though I've considered it strongly. But you need to hunt today, and you need to talk to me for more than two sentences. Please, Alice; don't you trust me?"
Alice looked hurt, her brow wrinkling, "You're my world, Jazz."
"Then let me help you deal with your mind, too. I know you're trying to hide in the book, but you cannot hide there forever. Everyone is worried sick. What are you hiding from?"
Alice's head shook furiously, "I can't… I can't, don't make me…."
"Alice…?" Jasper studied her face, willing her to calm down, feeling her resist.
"No, no, no, I can't…."
Alice buried her face suddenly in his chest, her body shuddering violently. Jasper clung to her as if letting go would mean her end. He rocked her gently, humming their song, the one Edward had composed for their wedding, a lilting melody that reminded Jasper of the way stars blinked and danced when reflected in the water's surface. The shuddering slowed, but Alice did not speak. It was the longest she'd interacted with him since they'd made it back to Ithaca.
"Alice, I won't let anything happen to you. You are my hope. You're my complement. Let me be your hope."
"You…are… I, I can't. I need the book. I can't."
Jasper sighed, "You need to drink. Do I have to bring a deer to you in bed? I will."
Alice shook her head furiously, pulling away, shaking herself as if to gain composure, "I'll go tonight. Later. I just need to read it once more…"
A firm rapping signalled the arrival of Emmett and Rosalie, who took one look at Alice and visibly registered shock. While Rosalie was more of a beauty queen in the Cullen household, Alice was known to be tidy and meticulous about her choice of clothing and accessories. The Alice before Rosalie now was the equivalent of a distracted soccer mom. Emmett forced a smile, opting for his usual strategy of careful deflection through humour.
"Hey bro! I thought we were going to bag us some chow. Are you trying to turn Alice into a smaller bag of bones than the pipsqueak already is?"
Jasper frowned, "She says she'll be up for it later tonight. How was the honeymoon? What was that, number 125?"
Rosalie shook her head, "42, actually. And tonight sounds fine, I suppose…Alice, we're going to have to outdo these boys tonight. I already placed my bet. You know how much I hate to lose."
Alice shrugged, her eyes fixed on the leather-bound object across the room, "Yeah, I guess… Jazz? Please?"
Jasper sighed, retrieving the text for her, reluctantly tossing it into her waiting hands. Emmett eyed him with confusion and Jasper shook his head. Rosalie stood silently, scrutinizing the scene. Alice immediately turned the pages, pausing upon the dedication page, smiling sadly, then turning to the first page. Jasper gestured for the door, and Emmett obediently followed, desiring answers. Rosalie did not move.
"Rose? You coming?" Emmett asked deliberately.
"No," she replied quietly.
Jasper moved towards her, but Emmett threw out a large arm, blocking his path, "Rose?"
Rosalie turned to him, her look firm, "My sister and I need some girl talk. Catching up. Please, give us a few minutes?"
Jasper refused to move, unsure if letting the ever-irritable Rosalie talk to the increasingly fragile pixie upon the bed was wise. Emmett shook his head no, and Rosalie stood firm, her eyes pleading with him in a silent argument. Jasper stepped towards her, then froze as a familiar voice drifted from the bed.
"She means well, Jazz. Leave us."
Alice never lifted her eyes from the book, but her face was calm. Jasper assumed her visions had carried her through the conversation Rosalie wished to start, and found it was nothing Jasper needed to worry over. Emmett threw an arm around Jasper's broad shoulders, ushering him from the room with a challenge of arm wrestling, shutting the door quietly behind them. Rosalie remained in the centre of the room, her golden eyes narrowing, evaluating the scene of a bedraggled young girl engrossed in a large book that consumed her tiny lap. After a minute's waiting, Rosalie's temper got the better of her.
"Alice, what the hell are you doing?"
"Reading," she replied, never losing her place.
"No, Alice. What are you really doing? You're reading this book on endless loop for a reason. Are you trying to spark your memory? Because frankly, if two weeks didn't do the trick, nothing will. Don't get me wrong: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is a great little story and all, and your name in the title is cute, but this goes beyond a good yarn."
"I'm... Safer when distracted..."
Rosalie nodded knowingly, sitting down on the end of the bed, "And if you're not distracted, what's going to happen?"
Even Rosalie wasn't prepared for the answer that emerged from Alice's lips: "I'm afraid I'll become angry like you."
Alice sat the book aside, sighing and wrapping the blanket tighter around herself. She studied Rosalie's shocked expression and reached out for her hand, holding it tightly. She wished for Edward at that moment; he would be able to sift through her jumbled thoughts and help explain her words to Rosalie.
"I always understood why you went after them, Rose. A part of me feels a sympathetic satisfaction along with you, agrees that those... monsters got exactly what they deserved. But what I never understood was how the anger lingered inside you, and still does. You're a harder person than the rest of us, and a part of me has always been confused by this. You got your revenge. You have Emmett, and I see how bonded you two are. But sometimes, I feel like nothing will ever bring you true joy, and I... If I think of it, think of waking up alone, think of how I was locked away, think of James killing someone who, in his own way, was the only one who cared for me then... I feel this fire start in my stomach, this.. rage. And I've never felt rage that way. Anger, fear, protective instincts... yes. Not rage. I don't want to be hard, Rose. Does that make any sense?"
Rosalie contemplated Alice's words, rising to her feet and crossing to gaze out the window. Below, Emmett was attempting to coerce Jasper into a wrestling match in the front yard, to little avail. A faint smile crossed her lips at this sight of him, his strong body and goofy smile. He was her shelter. Over time, she'd fallen deeply in love with him, but at first, it was lust coupled with a desire for something more than sex. In Emmett, Rosalie saw strength and protection. No one would ever hurt her again, not with Emmett beside her.
"It wasn't what they did that made me this way, Alice. Not... entirely. What keeps me hard, as you put it, is knowing what I've done. I killed them, Alice. I killed them all. I struck terror into their hearts with the sight of me. I smiled as I broke them, broke them as they broke me. But when they died, this awful truth sunk in, something I've never erased, something I've scarcely explained to Emmett..."
Rosalie turned back to Alice, and in her eyes, Alice saw a vulnerability she'd never seen in her sister. It at once scared her and soothed her, for reasons she could not articulate.
"Alice, I may have made them pay. I may have had my revenge. But in turning into a murderer, they robbed me of another piece of my innocence, another piece that I will never have back. I will always be a killer, beyond the instinctual drives that we struggle with each day. I did not drink them. I killed them strictly to see them die. It changes you... It corrodes your mind, blurs every picture. No sunset is ever as beautiful again. Every sight of blood brings it back. They used me up, then drove me to compromise my morals. They won, even in losing their lives. I don't regret killing them; it helped me cling to my sanity. But I regret that I was changed, that I lived long enough to seek revenge, instead of dying, dirty, but innocent."
"Oh, Rose... I had no idea -"
"I try not to let anyone understand. I beg you, please, tell no one what we spoke of today. I tell you only because I hope you understand that hiding in this room will not make the rage go away. But everyone responsible for your past is dead now, Alice. There is no vengeance to harden you. There are only answers to be had."
"But... I'm not sure who I am, anymore... I'm so lost..."
Alice bent forward, curling her knees to her chest, rocking herself slowly. Rosalie hesitated, then sat down beside her, embracing her for perhaps the third time since she and Jasper had arrived at the Cullen home. She whispered gently, telling her over and over to let it all go. Alice willed her mind to slow, willed herself to listen to only her voice. Let it go... Just let it go... Inside her, a weight lifted, ever so slightly. Rosalie was right; she'd hidden from the truth for far too long. Hiding here was letting James and her rage at him keep her from the knowledge she rightfully deserved, even if her life had been miserable.
"Who are you?" Rosalie asked softly.
"I - I don't -"
"Bullshit. Who are you?"
"Alice," she whispered.
"Alice who?"
"Alice Cullen."
"You damn well are Alice Cullen, so why the confusion? You know who you are; what you don't know is who you were. You're Jasper's wife. You're our sister. Esme and Carlisle are our parents. You love clothes, have fantastic taste, and you're the happiest, lightest soul of us. I'm envious of you, Alice. You've laughed and played and worried so completely, with all your heart, always. You've gone with the flow and simply accepted what we are, and made the most of it without knowing your history for so long. If you hesitate to live as freely after you learn all there is to know, you're letting them win again. Don't..." Rosalie's voice trailed off, a sharp edge of bitterness trickling in.
"You're... envious?" Alice was astonished at this revelation, "I've always longed to be pretty like you. I've always felt immature and silly, much of the time. A nuisance."
Rosalie shook her head, rolling her eyes, "We all have our role and place. I'm the Ice Queen. You're the Happy-Go-Lucky. So be happy. Now, will you please change and come hunting? Jasper's driving us around the damn bend and I'd like a few hours' peace with my husband after a long flight with screaming toddlers."
Alice chuckled, "Alright, alright. Don't say a word to him. I'll be down shortly, I promise."
Rosalie smiled faintly, then made her way towards the door, tossing her long blonde hair back over her shoulder. Alice shook herself, slowly rising from the bed, shedding the blanket around her shoulders. Who knew Rosalie had a heart? Alice slowly sauntered towards her walk-in closet, her eyes catching sight of the book, the cover seeming to hover slightly open, beckoning her attention. She closed her eyes, searching her own future for the first time in weeks. Jasper was holding her outside, at their spot by the stream. He looked at peace. Her eyes were warm brown. Hunting it was, then. Selecting her favourite designer jeans and a lilac cashmere hooded sweater, Alice slowly began to dress, preparing herself for a world she'd evaded for far too long.
It was Esme who caught sight of her first, her face cautious at first, then bursting into a radiant smile as she rushed from her room to embrace Alice. Alice gestured for her to be quiet; she wanted to surprise Jasper. Esme understood, her hand reaching out to touch Alice's face, almost disbelieving the sight. I have missed your light in these halls, Esme mouthed. I know. I'm sorry, Alice replied. Esme smiled and shook her head. All forgiven so easily; it was Esme's way. Alice crept lightly down the large staircase, her hand caressing the cherry oak rail as if it were a long-lost friend. Her ears pricked up, catching the sound of Jasper's voice in the backyard, and she approached slowly, listening more intently.
"... I should go check on her."
Rosalie's voice piped up, "She needs a few mnutes, Jasper. Goodness, she's not about to break."
"You haven't seen her."
"Jasper, Rose says she needs a sec, she needs one. We shouldn't crowd the girl," Emmett added, supporting Rosalie as always.
"I just want to see her... Alice?"
The group spun to face a more famliar Alice, whose shy smile was apology enough for any trouble her mood had caused. Jasper's eyes widened, a brief hesitation freezing him to the earth. Alice seized her chance and leapt into his arms, causing Emmett to groan in protest. Rosalie slapped his arm, ordering him to hush as Alice kissed Jasper passionately, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around his sturdy frame. Jasper spun her around in circles, eliciting giggled protests from Alice.
"No, no, put me down! Fragile! Hey!"
Jasper smiled, "I can't help myself; you haven't smiled in weeks. I need to catch up."
Alice smacked at his chest playfully, "I mean it! Spin me one more time and I mope!"
Jasper took this threat seriously, not wanting to risk weeks of Alice withdrawn and silent. Setting her down gently, he drew her to him, burying her face in his leather jacket and navy blue turtleneck. She sighed, clinging to him like a creeping vine, refusing to let go. He bent forward, kissing her head, his body releasing weeks of tension in one contented sigh.
"It seems we've been left alone," Jasper noted quietly as Emmett and Rosalie's departure dawned on him.
"I expected as much. Rosalie wants private time, and apparently you've not allowed them any."
"I was worried," Jasper said, obviously unapologetic, "What did she say? What didn't I say? Alice -"
"Shh! You did nothing wrong," Alice interrupted, "Jazz, you did everything right. It was up to me."
"I felt like I was dying. You were here, but you weren't..."
Alice's face fell, the impact on Jasper her little withdrawl had made coming into crystal clarity, "Jazz, I'm so sorry... I just... I needed to avoid it. At first, I was hoping it would help me remember something from before... But it became this way of escaping the mess... I've hurt you. I hate that."
Alice tried to pull away, suddenly ashamed at her actions, not only her mental state after discovering her awakening point, but her refusal to allow Jasper to help her with her search. He'd spent most of the last five months in confusion, watching her slowly disintegrate into this dark hole, this oubliette in her mind. He'd never shut her down in such a dramatic fashion, even at his worst. This wasn't their way. They'd always handled the world and its dangers together. Jasper, however, held on tighter, determined to keep her against him, as if he feared she'd disappear if given half a chance at escape.
"You don't owe me any apologies. But I do want a promise from you, please."
Alice turned her head up, shaking her spiky locks from her eyes, "Yes?"
Jasper stared her down, his onyx pools matching her own, "If you're going to keep at this mission, keep digging this way... You're taking me with you. Every step of the way. I'll sit quietly. I'll wait in cars, if need be. But I'm coming with you. I don't want to have to run hours to find you... find you like..."
Alice reached out to touch his face, caressing his cheek softly, "I... I don't think I can go further without you at my side. I promise, Jazz."
Jasper kissed her deeply, nearly knocking her to the ground with his ferocity, and Alice felt herself melt, felt more like Alice again. She strained onto her toes, wanting to grab his hair, pull him against her, kiss him in a way that not needing breath allowed for, much to her delight. Intuitively, his hands slipped beneath her arms, lifting her almost above him, never breaking away. He is my fairytale... My happily ever after. It was he who broke away first, but only just. Planting her delicately upon the earth, he took her hand, leading her out into the forest in search of long overdue sustenance.
"So you tired of the story, then?" Jasper joked quietly.
"I already know how it ends," Alice replied, slyly, leaning into him as she walked.
"I have to know what Rose of all people said to get you out of bed."
Alice pondered this for a moment, answering carefully, "She reminded me of who I am, and how that matters more than who I was."
"And who are you?" Jasper asked, curious.
"I'm the one who will love you forever, that's who."
Jasper said nothing at first, merely smiling. Alice found this odd; Jasper was a smart ass, through and through. She waited for it... Waited... And there it was: the reply.
"Just checking," he said, winking.
Alice groaned, slapping his arm, "What am I going to do with you?"
"Love me?"
"I do love you."
"I love you, Alice, so much. Every time I feel I understand the depths of it, something helps me understand it runs deeper still."
Alice smiled, then thought a moment, "After we dine on the fine fare Ithaca has to offer, would you help me get started?"
Jasper looked puzzled, "Started on what?"
"Finding the asylum. It must be in Mississippi somewhere, I suppose, or near the river at least. It's a place to start..." Alice's voice trailed off as Jasper looked away, almost sheepishly, "What?"
Jasper avoided her eyes, "I... Kinda started looking already."
Alice froze in place, "What?"
"I had Carlisle help me research... In case you took off without me... I was so frightened for you, Alice. I thought you'd suddenly snap alert and run off again. We've narrowed it down to a few places in the state. I'm still sorting through death records, but I found one that stuck out for me..."
"Well?" Alice asked impatiently.
Jasper sighed, "There was a death notice for a girl, thirteen years old, in Biloxi in 1913. The age is wrong, but... Well, a lot of families explained away the family crazies as being dead..."
"What was her name?" Alice asked nervously.
"Alice, maybe we should hunt first -"
"I'm okay, Jazz. I promise you. The name?"
Jasper hesitated, then spat it out quickly, "Mary Alice Brandon. Born and died in Biloxi... I'm not sure, and there's a lot of records to go through still, but..."
Alice nodded thoughtfully, "They declared me dead. No wonder no one missed me."
Jasper frowned, "I shouldn't have told you. I'm so stupid sometimes!"
Alice shook her head, "No, no. You can show me when we're done hunting. Thank you... I'm touched you went to the trouble of digging that far for me when you were so against this."
"It meant a lot to you, and like I said, if you were going to disappear, I wanted to know where."
Alice brought his hand to her lips, kissing it gently. Jasper smiled, tousling her hair, putting his arm around her and forcing her forward, her thirst still worrisome for him. Alice went willingly, her mind whirling with the possibility of knowing her full true name. Died in 1913... Which means I was there for seven years... Forgotten...
"What are you thinking?" Jasper asked quietly.
Alice smiled, "I'm realizing that whatever my human family may have done, it doesn't matter. My family now is a loving, strong one, and I could not be more fortunate than I am. I have you. I have them. I have all I need here."
"That makes two of us," Jasper murmured, his lips sinking to her collarbone, making Alice forget all else.