Dis-claim-er - Neither I nor any of the other authors hold any rights or privileges to the characters used in this story. Copyright is given to the creators/holders where applicable. Only thing I (might) have any hold on is the idea to create this, and it's probably a jointly held idea anyway.
"Alright! I want everyone here to rise for Judge Stone as he's presiding over this case," Nappa shouted enthusiastically.
Harry grinned weakly, "Thank you, Nappa."
"Yaaaaaay!"
"So, this is what jury duty's like," Ranma asked rhetorically, looking to his fellow anchors.
"Yeahsureyoubetcha it is," Jack O'Neill sighed.
"Where's the lawyers?" Harry asked, looking around, but not seeing them.
"Sorry I'm late, your honor!" Brianna called out as she crashed through the door... Literally. "Ooops." She big-sweated, the janitor was going to HATE to clean that mess up.
"Huh, so that's what it looks like when I do that," The Kool-Aid Man said as he watched her entrance from the gallery.
"Alright! Kool-aid!" The other lawyer said as he grinned behind his mask. "I don't get to drink this stuff often enough!"
Harry sweat-dropped heavily, "Mr. Deadpool! Please stop trying to molest the Kool-Aid Man!
Yoruichi pouted, "At least someone's getting some attention around here..."
"KITTY!" Nappa suddenly cried out, pouncing on the unsuspecting Yoruichi. "I'm going to pet you, and hug you and..." He continued as he petted Yoruichi's back...quite painfully.
Nanoha, in the jury box, winced at that. "Oww..."
"Nappa, stop that right now."
"Aww..." The big Saiyan pouted and put Yoruichi down.
"Medic..." The Goddess of Flash whimpered softly.
"Now, Mac, first case!"
Mr. Popo appeared out of nothing, leaning full into Harry's face.
"Hiiiiii. This case is Midoriya Cafe v/s Goku the Bottomless. The charge is running out on the bill. Byyyyye."
Laughing maniacally, Mr. Popo stepped over to his desk and sat with his implacable stare facing the crowd.
"...For some reason, I feel like we should all be freaking out right now." Ranma muttered.
"If you saw the Abridged Series, you would be!" Deadpool commented from under the table with his katana drawn... Not that it would do much.
Goku obligingly walked up in front of the bench.
"Now Goku, can you explain why you ran out on this bill for...$30,000...?"
Goku frowned a bit, tilting his head down before looking up, "If I say I'm really sorry, will you let me go?"
"Even if this is a fake world, being sorry doesn't cut it, I mean, think of all the work they had to put into making that food and then serving you and then the problem of the dishes... have you EVER had to do that many dishes?! Do you know the PAY they get?!"
"Mr. Deadpool, please stick to the facts. We're all well aware that service industry workers get what's scraped off the sides of a rusted barrel for pay," Judge Stone admonished.
"In my client's defense, he really doesn't have a steady source of income and the sign did say "all you can eat". Plus he suffered brain damage as a baby." Brianna said calmly, though she really didn't think this was helping the case any.
"So...diminished capacity then?"
"More-or-less." Brianna said with a long-suffering sigh. "I'm pretty sure that my client would be more than happy to help out to pay back what he owes..."
Ranma snorted quietly, as if that ever helped anyone before.
"I'm sure Mom and Dad would be happy to have hel...wait, this is Goku, and not just any Goku but Abridged Goku, isn't it?" Nanoha deadpanned
The entire courtroom nodded as Mr. Popo laughed his maniacal laugh.
Brianna threw her hands up into the air. "Forget it then."
Ranma nodded. "Trust me, anyone from any Abridged universe are generally apathetic, moronic and just plain mean."
"Why thank you, Mr. Saotome," Mr. Popo said from behind Ranma's right shoulder.
Ranma stiffened and nodded. "No problem... How about you go find some kittens to give to Nappa?"
"No, I think ShihÅin has this one in hand," Mr. Popo said.
"Mr. Pop-I mean, Mac, no contaminating the jury. Now, Mr. Goku, I think a few thousand hours of community service and reparations to the Takamichi family are pretty good, don't you think?"
"Byyyyyyeeeee..." Mr. Popo said as he faded out and returned to his seat near the bench.
"Y...Yes!" Goku nodded and looked VERY nervously at Mr. Popo.
"Hiiii."
"...OOOH! KITTY!"
"Not again!" Yoruichi groaned as Nappa suddenly glomped her again.
"Good! Next case!"
After Yoruichi slipped out of Nappa's sleeper hold and lead Goku away, Mr. Popo stepped up again.
"Listen up maggots, this one's Nanako Kuroi v/s Ren Maaka, and he's been very baaaad."
"Yes! I get the hottie this time! Screw you Marvel!"
"Your honor, can we throw out the fat one?" Brianna frowned at Popo. "He's poisoning the jury against my client!"
"Bitch, I think you need to adjust your attitude..." Mr. Popo said ominously, his hands perfectly still as he pointed at her and made her disappear for a few minutes.
With a flash, she's returned, a wide-eyed stare on her face as she trembles occasionally.
"Aww, Vegeta, I think he broke her..."
"Yes, Nappa, the scary jerk broke her." Vegeta muttered.
"Told you it wasn't worth it," Deadpool snarked at Brianna.
She nods rapidly, a small whimper in the back of her throat as she groans, "So...many...tentacles..."
Ranma scratched his head. Honestly, he thought Brianna would LIKE the tentacles...
"Order in the court!" Harry bellowed, "Now, Miss Diggers, you will leave the discipline of my court officers to myself and I'll do my best to get you some therapy."
"Y...yes, your honor."
Harry cleared his throat. "Okay, now then... Mr. Popo, please stop influencing the court anymore. We're to be completely neutral to everything. As for this next case... Bring them in."
Ren sullenly walked to stand in front of the bench, Brianna to his left. Nanako took her place at his right, her grin leaving a fang hanging over her lower lip as Deadpool stood to her right.
"Go Teach!" Konata Izumi hollered from the gallery, "Show that sparkly vampire wanna-be some justice!"
"Vegeta, look, he's sparkly...does that mean he's an emo too?"
"He's not sparkly, Nappa, that's just special effects from the peanut gallery."
"Aww! But I wanted a sparkly vampire!"
Stephanie Meyer squeaked and sneaked out of the courtroom as fast as her legs could carry her.
"See?" Vegeta smirked at Nappa.
Ren grimaced. "At least this isn't a day court."
"Aww, no suntan for you, then," Nanako said viciously/
"Preach it, sister!" Xander Harris called out.
"What are the charges?" Harry asked, rubbing his head. "And where's my Excedrin?"
"Right here, your honor," Setsuna Meioh said calmly and handed him some headache medicine.
"Uh...thank you, Miss Meioh. I take it you're here because Usagi didn't get into this loop?" Harry asked warily.
"I gave her a pizza and told her to wait in the car." Setsuna smirked softly.
"Why didn't WE think of that?!" The jury said at the same time.
"'Cause you're all a bunch of maggots?" Mr. Popo asked brightly
"Alright, enough!" Harry banged his gavel. "Mr. Popo, please stop that. Jury, quiet. Ms. Meioh, thank you. Now, let's get this case underway."
"Well, your Honor, Miss Kuroi was walking home, minding her own business, when all of a sudden Mr. Maaka here decided it'd be a good idea to grab a bite to eat and maybe a quickie while he waits," Deadpool said, paying no attention to his notes.
"Your honor, my client is a Vampire and thus only is able to feed by biting someone and sucking their blood. Moreover, never once has my client ever seriously harmed someone. In fact, people who have been bitten by my client or his family tend to be very relaxed and happy afterwards."
"Unless granny bites them."
"Unless his grandmother bites them," Brianna nodded.
"So, he's a corpse that needs to be dusted for the good of all? Where's that Vampire Layer when you need her..." Deadpool muttered.
"Hey! That's Vampire Slayer!" Someone called from the gallery.
"I call it like I see it, Miss 'I unsouled my vampire boyfriend by giving him a minute of whoopee!'"
"Actually, your honor..." Brianna spoke up before a fight could erupt. "He and his family have a unique ability to "suck out" negative emotions that plague people. In addition, the people that his family has sucked on have gone on to be very relaxed, productive members of society."
Harry gave her a long look before turning to Ren, "So how does a career in Law Enforcement sound?"
"As long as I only deal with female prisoners, I think we could do something about that..."
"HEY! What about me!?!" Nanako bellowed, "I'm the injured party here!"
Mr. Popo held his hand up in front of her face, "Shh, the big boys are talking here..."
"Your honor, I'd protest, but I can't fill out a skirt the same way that Brianna can." Deadpool nodded. "At least she's not trying that Peebo trick again."
"HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!?!?!" Brianna shrieked, hoping to God that this nut job wasn't stalking her.
Deadpool held up the issue of Gold Digger that had Brianna acting like Phoenix Wright. "You really shouldn't rip off video games so blatantly."
"Though if you want to be a model, I've got a contract right here..." Mr. Popo said, a copy of the latest Gold Diggers Swimsuit issue in his hands.
Brianna sweat-dropped, "Eh... Maybe later..."
"Mr. Popo, please refrain from showing that around the children."
Vivio looked up from reading the Gold Digger comics and shrugged. "It's funny!"
Deadpool smirked under his mask. "I gave the girl the Gold Bricks, she's enjoying them."
Harry sighed. "Next case!"
Setsuna handed Harry the case. "One Jail Scaglietti vs. ten."
"Hot damn, I get the sexy cyborgs!" Deadpool smirked happily.
Jail grumbled, why was he here again?
"Well, Mr. Scaglietti, let's see you have been charged with... Wow... Lots of sexual crimes here... Incest, sex with an underage woman, impregnating your opposite sex clones... Trying to take over the world, torture, terrorism, and acting like a jerk to someone who's almost like your daughter..."
"Hi, dad!" Otto grinned at Ranma. "Fun loop, huh?"
Ranma groaned, he didn't expect this... "Wait, where's Quattro?"
"Running from Ren," Uno shrugged.
"See, your honor? He really does try to make people into productive members of society." Brianna nodded.
"Anyway... Brianna, your rebuttal?"
"To be fair, my client never really HAD sex with any of these girls..." Brianna looked at Sette, who was standing there, looking like a hippie. "...Even if they look like they might be easy."
"Objection!" Deadpool shouted. "Just because some of them look like hippies and punks and other unmentionable members of society doesn't make them 'easy'."
"And the doctor did have sex with Quattro, who's his daughter." Wendi cheerfully chirped in.
"I wonder if those bug people had this problem, Vegeta..."
"I wouldn't know, Nappa. We ONLY saw the king and queen mate."
"Ah, that was fun, wasn't it, Vegeta. I think I still have the pictures on my phone." Here, Nappa pulls out his cell and holds it up in Yoruichi's face, "See? Isn't that interesting?"
"GODDAMMIT, NAPPA!"
Brianna cleared her throat. "Even so, your honor, my client..."
"Only tried to have me carry his clone-baby!" The Numbers in the room piped up at the same time.
Here, Ranma looked at the rest of the anchors, "See, this is why I'm glad we can't breed. Amirite?"
Brianna cleared her throat. "Anyway, your honor, my client didn't do any of those things, except for Quattro, but she wanted it apparently."
*ACHOO!* Ranma looked at the small bit of green slime on his hand. "This is a symptom of Encroaching Doom Syndrome...why do I not want to know..."
"Because, maggot, you might have a hand in this..." Mr. Popo intoned ominously.
"Mr. Popo, please refrain from antagonizing the jurors, please," Harry pleaded, knowing this would only be a temporary fix.
"Your honor, my clients just want to live their lives and learn like any other looper, but the defendant wants them to commit horrible crimes against humanity."
Suddenly Cinque and Dieci turned around and gave him a flat look.
"Look, just because I'm a lot like that doesn't mean anything." Deadpool sniffed derisively.
"I'd hate for him and the Peacekeepers to trade tactics..." John Crichton shuddered
"Oh them? Nice people, just make sure that you kill them when you're done making deals, it might come back to haunt you later." Deadpool nodded.
"Are you confessing to a crime, Deadpool?" Brianna asked with a raised eyebrow.
"If I am, may lightning strike Jail."
*Cr-KA-BOOM!*
Everyone blinked as Jail was shocked and sent flying from where he stood.
Fate smiled nervously. "Couldn't help myself."
"That's my Fate-chan," Nanoha said smugly.
Harry sighed and looked at the jury. "He's pretty much guilty, huh?"
Nanoha and Ranma simply nodded their heads while Han and Anakin were busy tinkering with an E-Web Blaster Emplacement.
"Anakin, this modification is going to burn out the power core in one shot," Han said, "Won't we need more than one shot?"
"Han, you may be a talented smuggler, but my 'hokey' religion ought to help me with my shot."
"Guys, c'mon, let's let Judge Stone decide whether we're gonna take him out now, or if I need to make a couple calls," Colonel O'Neill said with a sigh as he pulled them away from the mostly completed blaster.
Harry looked at Jail. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Yeah, I'm rather upset that they're acting so upset with what I did." Jail glared at the assembled Numbers.
Brianna was taken aback by this. "Uhm, what?"
"What? You honestly thought that I'm sorry about it?" Jail shrugged. "I'm not."
"Can I take care of him?" Ranma spoke up, grinning in such a way that even Popo noticed, and nodded approvingly.
"YAY! Violence makes everything better, doesn't it Vegeta?"
"Yes, Nappa, yes it does."
Yoruichi had a toothy smirk on her face, her hands flexing as she cracked her knuckles. "Finally, something Baldy and I over here agree on..."
"Mr. Scaglietti," Brianna said, "I quote my father when I say this. Violence is not the answer. It's the question. The answer is YES!"
Deadpool smirked and held up the issue of Gold Digger in question. "Yes, yes he did." He pulled out a katana, handed it to Cinque, and then pulled out a gun and handed it to Nove, and then a bigger gun and handed it to Dieci and then a BIGGER gun and tossed it to Brianna.
"...Take it outside people." Harry said, shaking his head. "And try not to break any buildings."
"Yeah, do you know how long it takes to get the pieces I need to make the maintenance work around this joint?" asked Art, "I swear, if that paintbrush headed muscleman tears up another bathroom, I'll..."
"Don't worry, maggot." Popo spoke up to Jail, who was sweating nervously. "At least I won't be here...yet."
"Heh, Vegeta, Jail's gonna be Mr. Popo's..."
"Go ahead, Nappa."
"Biiiiitch."
"Good job, Nappa."
"YAAAY!"
Harry just sighed, put his face down on the bench for a few seconds before looking back up at the crowd, "Well, what are you waiting for? I've only got a novelty squeaky mallet. I leave Mr. Scaglietti in the hands of his peers. Court is adjourned."
Jail gulped as everyone cheered at the same time and dragged him out of the courthouse.
"This isn't going to end well for him."
Setsuna smirked at Harry. "I don't even need to look at the Time Gates to know that."
"Well, since I never know when my loop ends, how about we go grab a bite, huh?" asked Harry, "There's a hot dog vendor outside the courthouse, we can talk and watch the festivities at the same time. That sound like fun?"
She smiled and nodded. "Sure thing."
As they walked out of the courtroom, the eerie voice of Mr. Popo could be heard with a final "Byyyyyyeeee..."