Chapter 14 ! This made me cry.
What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Why won't you tell me? You do this thing—you close people off. You're walking backwards, and one day, there isn't going to be anything left to walk into. I don't know. It's silly of me to put so much time into thinking about you this way. I want to stop, but you're too...I don't know. See, I'm doing it again. Sorry.
"It's me...I'm...just calling to check in on you. I know I've called you three times already today, but I know you're there, and I want you to...to know I'm there. Alright. Talk to you later."
Jennifer listened to every voicemail he had left that morning. She'd kept every one of them, and she was considering calling him back at some point. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was for the past few days. In their relationship, if there were a child, she were it. She was the one who cut off contact for days at a time, who seemed to cause every ounce of drama there ever was. Maybe she was the child she couldn't conceive.
"You should probably answer him," Henry'd told her that evening at dinner. He mostly picked at his food, and JJ had noticed.
"Everyone has things they have to deal with," Jennifer replied to her son. She cut Michael's food up and made sure he was settled. "What's going on with you?"
Henry shrugged. "Nothing," he said. He wasn't a very good actor—he had turned eight a few days ago, and third grade had just begun. To think that something was already bothering him spoke to JJ. Her son was never one to cause or uphold dramatic events within his group of friends.
"School...?" JJ guessed. "You can tell me, Henry."
"Really," Henry said. "It doesn't bother me anymore."
Jennifer rolled her eyes as she focused on feeding Michael. "Okay, whenever you're ready to tell me, you know I'm here."
Henry nodded in both relief and understanding, and then he decided to change the subject. He'd gotten good at this lately—he probably learned from Jack.
"Why aren't you and Jack's dad together anymore?" He asked suddenly.
JJ's head came around quickly to her eldest son's figure. She stared at him rather blankly, her mind scrambling to piece words and phrases together.
"We are," she blurted out. "We're just busy."
"I would have believed that if I was five," said Henry sternly. "But I'm eight now."
"You don't believe me?" JJ said, withdrawing slightly. This was the first time her son had ever truly intellectually challenged her, and she was rather terrified. But of what?
Henry shook his head. "You're not busy. You don't even go to work anymore."
"I'm on a break," JJ said. "So I can spend more time with you and Michael."
Henry raised his eyebrows. "But I'm at school."
"I like waking you up and getting you ready, Henry. And when you're gone, I get to play with Michael."
"You spend a lot of time with Michael," Henry then said, which made JJ begin to believe that maybe Henry wasn't having problems at school. She sighed and didn't say anything more. Her son's mind was becoming more complex by the passing days and nights, and it was getting harder to connect with him the way she used to.
"So, that's what this is about," said JJ as she cut into her food. She hadn't eaten much, mostly because she was invested in Michael and his food. If she could go back to breastfeeding right now, she would. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do. Sometimes, it helps you grow. JJ could tell you that.
"What's what about?" Henry asked, turning to his mother.
"Why you're upset," JJ replied. "Why you're acting out."
Henry shrugged. "All I said was, you're spending lots of time with Michael—"
"...and not you," JJ said. "I get it, Henry."
Henry stayed silent and fiddled with his food. JJ knew she had somehow reached the root of his attitude. It's funny, the root of a problem will always grow into a tree of problems when you neglect it, but the trees without problems must be nurtured and watered and cared for.
"Just me again. I'm just wondering if...if you're okay? I'm—"
JJ picked up her phone and held it to her ear. "Hey."
"Jen? JJ?"
"This is her," JJ said softly.
"I know...I just haven't heard your voice in a while. It's you."
JJ smiled inside and leaned back in the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery. She made a small sighing noise and breathed in deeply.
"How are you?" Hotch asked shyly, trying not to overstep her boundaries. He knew she got overwhelmed quickly.
"...Fine," JJ said. "I'm getting Michael to sleep. He's going through crying fits again, so..."
"That's not good," Hotch commented. "Tell the boys hey for me, will you? Jack misses them."
"...I miss you," JJ said suddenly.
Hotch went silent for a brief moment. He replied, "I miss you, too," and he waited for JJ to say something. When she didn't, he said, "well, I was just calling...I'm wondering if you're still wanting to go to work together tomorrow?"
"Yeah," JJ said. "I am. We're still taking the boys to school...?"
"I'll be at your house at eight thirty tomorrow morning," Hotch said. JJ pulled Michael closer to her and stroked his hair with her left hand.
"Sounds alright," JJ said softly, rubbing her cheek against her son's.
"'s he asleep?" Hotch asked.
JJ smiled. "Think so," she said. "I think he's sick...he's running a bit of a fever...poor boy."
"Let him sleep with a damp washcloth on his forehead...it'll bring his temperature down," Hotch suggested. "Worked with Jack every time."
"I've never done that," JJ said. "Thank you."
They could've talked all afternoon, except JJ was about to fall asleep, and Hotch had errands he needed to tend to. And so they left their words in the atmosphere, mingling with the calm air.
The next morning, JJ and Hotch took their boys to school. Like most mornings, they carpooled. The boys got to school together, and so did their parents. Hotch and JJ had hugged when they saw each other, and it made Jack and Henry think that perhaps things were moving faster than they thought. To them, hugging meant they were really close. It would be no surprise if they walked in to Hotch on one knee, proposing to JJ. Both parents had said their goodbyes to their kids and let them go. They wouldn't have time to stop for breakfast, so they decided to find something at work. There was always something at work.
"What do you think this meeting will be about?" JJ asked, leaning on the window. Her hands rested on her thighs. She was wearing a black dress that went just past her knees. The top of the dress was rather moderate, but overall, it was a nice piece and it showcased her body beautifully.
Hotch shrugged, focusing on the road with each sign that passed. "I think it's about budget cuts...maybe," he said.
"Budget cuts?" JJ asked. "You know what happened last time we had a budget cut...right?"
"Uh-huh," Hotch said. "I remember everything. I remember the amount of times I went to Strauss and complained—"
"How many?" JJ asked. "I'm curious."
"Sixteen times in four months...JJ I never stopped asking her. Eventually, I brought up the fact that...Afghanistan perhaps wasn't the best place for you to be. I felt you were unsafe."
JJ raised an eyebrow.
"It was a gut feeling, Jen...nifer. JJ, I knew your transfer was a backstop, but...nobody else did. So I spent every day not only worrying about your job being filled, but about your safety. I've been out there...it's brutal. Not even my badge made me feel safe."
JJ nodded in understanding. The drive went by quickly, and they spent most of it talking and catching up over the weekend. They arrived at work and realized they had to stop exchanging loving looks. JJ and Hotch got out of the car and locked it up and went up to the doors. They scanned their cards and went inside. Before you got into the elevator, you had to walk through the main hall where guests and other people signed in. There were water fountains, many offices, and a lot of agents walking around. Contrary to what everybody thought, the agents were always laughing or conversing in the hallways. Hotch and JJ went up to the elevator doors and pressed '6' and waited for them to open. When they opened, they stepped inside and stood there, looking at each other.
"I can't wait until we don't have to hide this anymore," JJ said. "When...when do we stop hiding this?"
Hotch shrugged. "I think the time will just come around. They'll find out sooner or later, won't they?"
JJ cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Garcia...knows...Reid, maybe...Rossi's onto us...has Emily called you lately? Does she know?"
"Maybe," she said. "I talked to her yesterday...and she wanted to know about the boys. I said they were fine, and she asked if there was anyone, and I told her yes, and then she said she could probably guess who it is...but she didn't want to make a wrong guess and overstep, so she stayed quiet."
Hotch chuckled to himself. "Really interesting," he said. "Bet that call lasted an hour and a bit."
"Three, actually," JJ said. "You'll be surprised what you can get done when you get your baby to sleep for once."
"Yeah," Hotch said. "Definitely. Jack was...not a sleeper...but when he went down, it felt good—"
"Hey," JJ said suddenly. "I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about certain things, so...so, it's okay if you bring up...kids with me...okay? On the drive home, I'll tell you where I was...the other day...and we'll go from there, yeah?"
"Yeah."
The elevator doors opened, and both parents stepped out and crossed the hallway, into the bullpen. They looked across the room and saw that the team was already in the briefing room.
"We aren't late," JJ said, looking down at her watch. She started to take her woollen cardigan off. "See you in there." They went separate ways; JJ to her desk to get her things, and Hotch to his office to get his things.
Jennifer clipped her ID card onto her waistband and grabbed her files and documents. She was supposed to aid in briefing a case today, but she had a feeling that it could wait a while. She tucked her chair in and set off to the briefing room.
Autumn came and soon the September streets had changed into October lanes filled with leaves and scrapings of a summer just gone. Halloween was only a week away now, and with the weather getting colder, Jennifer found herself sleeping in more and spending more time curled up in blankets. It really wasn't healthy, considering she enjoyed evening runs in the dying sun and going to the park with her boys to relish in the warmth each day brought. She thought she had depression, but only for a short while. Rosaline had depression, and it scared her to think that perhaps she was following in her older sister's footsteps. Hotch had been by more and more now, and Jack and Henry had gotten used to having sleepovers on school nights. A lot can change in a month. Life starts all over again when the leaves fall and establish the earth for new beginnings.
"Won't be long now," Hotch said to JJ as he walked Michael across the living room. Michael had been walking for a few months now, and he wasn't great at it, but Hotch hoped that if he learned soccer, perhaps his coordination skills would follow in suit.
"What won't be long?" JJ asked as she walked over to her colleague with two coffee cups in hand. Both adults sat down on the couch and JJ rested her head on Hotch's chest.
Hotch grinned. "Not long now until he starts talking in sentences. Has he done it yet?"
"Ehh, he says a few words...he's getting there—"
"Mom!" Henry called as he and Jack raced down the stairs. "Mom—"
"Hey, no running down the stairs," JJ said. "Henry, you know better than that."
Ignoring what his mother said, Henry continued, "me and Jack are going to play with Jeremy and Liam down the road!"
"Be safe!" Hotch called, but the boys had already run out the door.
"I always thought raising boys would be easy," JJ said after the door closed.
Hotch chuckled. "I thought it was the same with girls. The teen years are the worst."
"Yeah?" JJ said. "You think? Are you scared...for the boys?"
"No, 'cause I know Jack and Henry are good boys, and I know they'll make us proud. Same goes for Michael."
JJ grinned and pulled Michael up onto her lap. She held him close and let him rest his head under her chin. Hotch let JJ move closer, and at once, the three of them were cuddling. It was quiet in the house. Michael's breathing could be heard amongst them, and the sound of the heating kicking in was faint. JJ smiled as Hotch began to run his fingers through her hair.
"We're gonna get married one day, you know that?" JJ said softly, her eyes beginning to close.
"Yeah," Hotch said, continuing to stroke Jennifer's hair.
"...gonna be a wedding...yeah?"
"Mm-hm," Hotch said gently. "...big wedding..."
"...I'm falling...asleep..." JJ mumbled. "...you'll be here...when I get...up?"
Hotch smiled and pulled JJ and Michael in close to him. "I'll be here. I'll always be here."
Aaron began to fall asleep to the small sounds Jennifer made while drifting off. He slowly stopped stroking her hair and instead let his hand rest on her shoulder, covered by a woollen blanket. And he smiled, for he knew that sometimes the universe gets tired and need to rest, too.
I hope you liked it!