A Day In The Life Of Mr Stark
7am: wake up
7:05am: check phone messages
7:07am: try to remember who Chelsea is (employee?hook-up?friend?cleaner?)
7:09am: remember that Chelsea is a stripper
7:10am: why did he give a stripper his phone number
7:11am: remember that Hawkeye bachelor party today
7:13am: make mental note to buy vodka and cigars
7:16am: remembered that Thor is taking care of strippers and got more worried
7:17am: why the hell did he give a stripper his phone number
7:19am: remember Chelsea isn't a STRIPPER she's a WALLPAPER STRIPPER for the re-decoration of his bedroom
7:20am: wonder if Chelsea is hot or not
7:29am: can't find her online or on Facebook or on twitter or (reluctantly checked) myspace
7:30am: no clue if she's hot or not
8:16am
(Tony walks into kitchen)
Tony: morning guys (yawns) any coffee for me (looks round) are you ignoring me (yawns again) fine i'll make my own coffee (walks to coffee machine) anyone want some (looks round again) guys?
(Thor looks up from his iPad)
Thor: sorry, flappy bird had me entranced (looks back at his iPad) got to 894 (looks at Tony) can I have a vanilla latte with five spoons of sugar?
Tony: five spoons?
Thor: got to keep awake (sighs) flappy bird must be defeated (sighs louder) it must!
(Bruce jumps and puts his newspaper down)
Bruce: hawkeye, since when have you opposed pigeons (smirks) you wrote a letter to the New York Times
Hawkeye: since one attacked me (looks at natasha) me and nat were walking in central park innocently
Natasha: (grins) not so innocently, we had just photobomed some japanese tourist photos
Hawkeye: (glares) innocently (eats lucky charms) and then this pigeon of death swoops down, claws my eyes out
Natasha: it scratched your forehead
Hawkeye: it clawed my eyes out and then it swooped off after it knocked over my ice cream (sighs) two scoops of chocolate and toffee never to be recovered
Natasha: we got you another ice cream
Hawkeye: (loudly) never to be recovered!
(Bruce shrugs and goes back to his newspaper)
(Captain walks in, yawning)
Captain: guess who got laid last night
Captain: me
Captain: and guess who got a model's phone number in an entirely different event so I didn't hook up with a model
Captain: me
(Tony high-fives him)
Tony: you go, cowboy
Captain: can the player have a coffee
Tony: if the player makes it himself and makes one for flappy bird over there
Thor: I am not addicted, I am mildly interested in the end result of my destruction of this irritating game
Natasha: right, course you're not addicted
Thor: I am not, human, and don't you dare suggest that I am... otherwise
Natasha: otherwise what (gives him her best you-will-die look)
Thor: ah, nothing
Natasha: puny god
(Bruce high-fives Natasha)
9:02am TO DO LIST
1. Chelsea-hot or not?
2. where can find a bottle of 1960 whisky
3. ask Bruce if Chelsea hot or not
4. fix Ironman helmet
5. pretend to listen to hawkeye's vows
6. fix hawkeye's vows (probably rubbish)
7. ask Natasha about what she doesn't want for his bachelor party
8. ignore all nat's demands and book hooker (for Bruce, at least)
9. ask Bruce when he last got laid
10. ask Thor about strippers
11. tell captain not to drink whisky (he has been asking me if we can have it yet all morning)
GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY
10:07am Chelsea the Wallpaper Stripper
10:09am Chelsea the wallpaper stripping business
10:13am 1960 whisky
10:15am whisky bottle from 1960
10:16am not empty whisky bottle from 1960
10:20am how to fix a helmet made of iron that's also a mask (sort of)
10:22am what do you mean no google results
10:39am how to concentrate
10:59am how long are vows meant to be
11:02am wedding vow ideas
11:16am where to eat in NY
11:27am new york, new york
11:29am newwwww yorrrrkkkk
11:40am how often should a 30 something year old scientist with anger issues get laid?
11:49am google images
11:57am google images TONY STARK
11:58am google images STARK TOWER
12:07pm minecraft download
12:37pm minecraft cheats
I, Tony Stark
Wedding Vow Ideas: steal them from Internet OR don't get married
1:07pm
(Tony walks into the lab)
Tony: when did you first have sex
Bruce: uh
Tony: was it teenage years
Bruce: um
Tony: or later (gasps) oh my god are you a (whispers) virgin
Bruce: Ahh (stares) tony I'm not talking to you about sex
Bruce: that's captain's conversation topic
Tony: you're a virgin aren't you
Bruce: no
Tony: are you sure
Bruce: um, pretty sure that I'm not a virgin
Tony: how sure
Bruce: tony stark I am not a virgin
Tony: how often do you have sex
Bruce: uh
Tony: do you want me to hire you a (whispers) hooker tonight
Bruce: tonight?
Tony: hawk's bachelor party
Bruce: oh yeah, no, hire a hooker for hawkeye
Tony: (sighs) as if, he forbade me
Bruce: oh
Bruce: can you leave me alone now
Tony: fine but remember, it's okay to be a virgin but hookers don't really count
Tony: also do you have twenty dollars for me to buy a magazine and some chocolate and an energy drink
Bruce: I think you should lay off the energy drinks tony
Tony: aw
3:07pm
Today you become Men, aka BACHELOR PARTY, aka Cap's first bachelor party, aka Thor's first bachelor party, aka how often does Bruce get laid
Tony: (to bartender) good sir, I shall have a scotch, two beers, a vodka and coke and a sex on the beach
Bartender: forty dollars
Tony: I can afford it, I'm a millionaire
Bartender: stark, right?
Tony: yeah, it is
Bartender: woah, you're famous round here, you and your friends can have free drinks
Tony: I don't have friends
Bartender: who are they then?
Tony: them (points to the avenger men) they are my minions
Bartender: well you and your minions can have free drinks
5:19pm
Free Drinks Overload, aka We Took It Too Far, aka Thor Doesn't Get Drunk, aka Captain is a lightweight, aka Too Many Blue Cocktails Makes Your Sick Blue
(in the taxi)
Tony: good sir take us to a club
Driver: what kind of club
Bruce: a strip club
Driver: where
Thor: in new york
Driver: which street
Hawkeye: the schtreet where women strip
Driver: is that a real street
Captain: my shick is bluesy
5:41pm
The Street Where Women Strip, aka Some Dodgy Club, aka Hello Ladies, aka Strippers have Odd Names
(The men avengers are in a strip club)
Thor: I am Thor, and my almighty hammer is at home but you and I (gesture to his chest and the -large- chest of the stripper) we have electricity
Stripper: we do
Thor: we really do
Captain and Tony (yelling): hello ladies
Tony: we are rich millionaire geniuses
Captain: well one of us is
Tony: the other is a toned science miracle (still yelling)
Captain: oh tony don't please, it makes me squirm uncomfortably because I'm so not vain and I'm really shy about my looks but I know I'm hot
Tony: hot (laughs) honey you're stunning
Hawkeye: (to stripper) what's your name
Stripper: magnificent diamond
Hawkeye: oh that's an odd name
Stripper: is it
Hawkeye: it sure is
(A stripper approaches Bruce as he reads his book)
Stripper: you wanna dance
Bruce: uh no thanks, just reading my book
Stripper: oh (pauses) wait are you bruce banner
Bruce: my fame precedes me
Stripper: yeah you're like a wonder in the science world (sits down) your paper on relative gamma rays and radiation theory was amazing
Bruce: you read it?
Stripper: yeah it was in my university newspaper-the science one
Bruce: woah
Stripper: I'm doing physics at university to become like you
Bruce: a monster?
Stripper: a genius
7:01pm
Subway, aka Eat Fresh, aka Captain Gets Sad Here For Some Reason, aka Bruce Has Gone Missing, aka Hawkeye's in the Toilet
(Tony picks up his chicken and mayo sub)
Tony: where's bruce
Captain: what's the meaning of my existence
Thor: this sandwich is a foot long piece of barbecue heaven, tell me human (turns to the guy making sandwiches) would you think of joining shield to become our chef
Tony: he was talking to the stripper, wasn't he
Captain: I miss my world war two friends
Thor: give me another sandwich, human food preparation person
Tony: would pepper be my girlfriend if asked
Captain: ready for battle, sergeant (sobs)
Thor: tony pay the human food man for my new sandwich and human bring me steak
10:29pm
The Wrong Tower, aka Empire State Building, aka Security Threats, aka Oops I Did It Again
(Hawkeye looks up at the tower)
Hawkeye: we're home
(the gang enter the tower)
Thor: what is this abomination? tony, we've been gone for one evening out and the girls have re-decorated
Tony: peppeeeeerrrrrr! girrlllsss! nattt!
Captain: wanna go home
Thor: in the name of odin, why are we in this dreadful building
Thor: wait
Tony: we are in the empire state buildings!
Captain: building, there's only one
Hawkeye: detailsh pshhh
(Thor calls up Natasha)
Natasha: hi how's the bachelor party wait why are you calling me are you drunk is clint okay is clint dead is clint with a hooker tell him that he better come home from the hooker or he is dead
Thor: uhhhhhhhhh
Natasha: are you dying
Thor: we're in the empire state building and hawkeye is psssshing cappy and tony is drunk and tony is calling for pepper and it is tiring being sober
Captain: (in the background) hello mr security man we don't like this building and we don't like this world
Natasha: oh shit tell captain not to say that to a security guard
Thor: hang on, gotta go, call later
(Captain is stroking the security guard's arm)
Captain: we don't like this world or this building, we liked the chaos of the world wars, where we were needed, we want it back
Thor: he doesn't like this world or this building, the rest of this we love it (to Captain) shut up
Tony: helllooooo mr man, is there a mrs security guard because I sure would love to take her home to safety
Security Guard: backup! possible bomb threat!
(Ten million security guards dive on the avengers and there are many screams-mostly from Tony)
Tony: I was just kidding! I won't really take mrs security guard home, maybe to a hotel, but not home
Captain: are we being arrested? oops I did it again didn't I? I released our plans into the open hahahaha
1:09am
The Car Ride Home, aka Natasha's Rubbish Car, aka Sorry Baby
Natasha: idiots, idiots, idiots
Hawkeye: sorry baby
Natasha: you have to send full formal apologies to each of the security guards for trying to fight back and then for insulting them and their mothers
Tony: and their wives
Thor: and their daughters
Captain: well I was a perfect gentleman
Natasha: perfect gentleman (laughs fakely) you told them that you want chaos and you hate the world and the building
Captain: ah well...
Natasha: then the security guard told me that you started singing 'this building is on fire'
Captain: sorry
5:07am
Natasha and Hawkeye's bedroom, aka The Room of Love, aka WHERE'S BRUCE
Hawkeye: I am sorry nat
Natasha: just glad you four were safe
Natasha: FOUR (sits up) WHERE'S BRUCE (yells) WHERE DID YOU PUT BRUCE
Hawkeye: oh yeahhh, well we sort of lost him at the strip club
Natasha: (lies back down) TODAY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOUR FRIEND
Hawkeye: but it's the big game
Natasha: I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HAWK (turns over to face him) AND YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
Hawkeye: why
Natasha: NO STRIP CLUBS