Dawn arrived at the farmhouse just after 10 o'clock in the morning. Xander hadn't been gone long but it was long enough to see that Buffy knew nothing about mowing. If Xander had been there he would had been pissed that the farm house he had taken care of for so long was starting to look the way it did.

Dawn made her way out of the car and stepped up the back steps and in to the back door. When she saw the kitchen in shambles it was a bit of a shock. The smell of rotted food from a disconnected fridge over powered the kitchen. Dawn covered her hand over her mouth and nose but stepped in over the rubble and debris. She watched each step careful.

The good news was the Kitchen was the only room that had been destroyed but the rest of the house was filthy. Dirty clothes were on the floor and empty bottles on the floor. Dawn had never seen this side to her sister. It scared her and she wondered if Buffy was to far gone.

As she walked deeper in to the house she saw Buffy passed out on the living room couch. The empty bottle on the floor only inches from a passed out slayer told the entire story. Dawn looked at Buffy and slowly reached for her checking her neck. She was taking her pulse wanting to make sure she was still alive.

Acting on pure instinct Buffy whipped around and grabbed Dawn's wrist in an instant. She wasn't sure what was going on. Didn't even realize it was Dawn at first. Dawn flinched a little in shock thinking she was passed out.

"I I I thought you were sleeping."

Buffy's eyes came in to focus and she realized what was going on. "Dawn?" She let go of her sister and pulled herself up to a sitting position. "What are you doing here?" Buffy's wrinkled clothes looked like they hadn't been washed in a few days. Her breath reeked of alcohol and hair was something out of the walking dead.

"We have to talk Buffy."

Buffy rubbed her eyes and yawned still barely awake. "What is it was have to talk about?" Buffy pulled herself up to a standing position and started looking for something.

"Well first off you lied to my children. You told them you were coming and then you never showed up."

"Yeah I'm sorry about that. It was a vampire thing and I couldn't get away."

"Couldn't call and tell me"

"It's funny actually my phone doesn't work anymore" She went to the tv and took the IPhone that had been sitting there the last few day.

Dawn pushed the button on the phone but true to her word the battery was dead. "Buffy you have a dead battery."

"Well they didn't give me a charger cord just this stupid." She pulled out the USB cable. "I figure that end goes in to the phone but that end doesn't look like anything I've ever seen."

Dawn was trying to keep it together and sighed. "This isn't about the phone. Your phone not working isn't the reason your kitchen smells like a landfill."

"You are my sister Dawn and I love you. But you need to back off."

"It is because I love you I'm not going to back off." Buffy turned around ignoring Dawn she picked up an empty Jameson bottle examining it. When she found it was empty she dropped it where she picked it up. "Buffy I know things have been hard."

Buffy continued her search picking up an empty bottle of Gin. She shook her dead dropping it. She laughed at Dawn's comment. "Things have been hard? That's' funny. Real funny. You have no idea what I am going through."

"So that gives you a right to act like a spoiled brat." Buffy continued looking and found what she was looking for a half full bottle of scotch.

"That's ironic you calling me the brat." She chuckled and started to loosen the lid. Dawn stepped to her and took the bottle way then tossed it to the ground shattering it.

"Damn it Buffy you are going to listen to what I have to say."

"STOP IT DAWN. Do you know how fucking hard this is. You tell me you want to help but you can't. You don't know what it is I've been through."

"Have you even tried talking to any of us?"

"What am I supposed to say. Oh hey Dawn I'm so happy you got to Marry Prince Charming and live in a castle with your two wonderful kids. I know I should call Faith and tell her how glad I am that she's running the council and everything has just turned out so perfect for her."

"That's what this is about. You are pissed because the world didn't stop for you. People moved on and bettered themselves and you feel like"

"Go ahead and say it." Buffy challenged her laughing but wouldn't give her the chance. "Everyone has done all these amazing things convents and councils and families and I'm the same loser I was."

"You were never a loser."

"Not always. I was great once. I was a damn champion who stood victorious at great battles." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "But now I'm joke."

"You aren't a joke. You are still the most amazing woman I know. You can still do great things. You can be great. The world might have moved on but that doesn't mean you can't move with it."

"Maybe Spike is right."

"Spike?"

"He told me that vampires aren't evolution friendly. They don't change. Maybe I'm like that. Maybe I'm not capable of change."

"Buffy you are capable of anything. Drowning your problems in booze and numbing yourself to feel nothing isn't the answer."

Buffy whipped around at her a little angry. "Is that from the 12 years experience that you spent in your coma?"

"Buffy stop."

"You come at me with all of this. You act like you have some kind of foothold on what it is I'm going through. YOU DON'T."

"Right no one can know?"

"Even Faith got to wake up after a few months. She doesn't know what it is to have this huge portion of your life ripped away from you. I lost so much time. Nothing you say or do changes that. You can't tell me you know what it is to lose 12 years. No one knows." With that she turned around. She felt she had won the argument and was ready to leave her with that thought in her head.

"That's not true. There is someone who knows. Xander knows what it is to lose 12 years." Buffy turned around facing her sister.

"It's not the same thing Dawn."

` "I'll be damned if I'm going to let you down play what he did. He gave up 12 years Buffy for you."

"Gave up 12 years? No he didn't. He was here and awake. He still had friends he could talk to. He still could read and keep up with current events." Now it was Dawn who was laughing.

"My God you are so blind. You think because he was awake while you were sleeping that some how makes it better or easier? He had to face a reality on a daily basis that I wasn't strong enough to handle. Every day watching and worrying about someone he loved wondering if she'd ever come back. The pain he must have felt. He felt everything Buffy he didn't get to sleep through that."

Dawn's words stung Buffy a little. She knew Dawn was right. "Xander is"

"Stop Buffy. I want to tell you something. You say 12 years you lost. Have you actually thought about what if you never woke up?"

"Wow cause you aren't depressing me enough?"

"Anything you took Xander was willing to take. He gave up 12 years of his life. That's pretty huge but on the other side of that is a pretty big what if. Xander was willing to give up every day of his life to make sure you weren't alone."

"In the end though he's just like everyone else. He left me. That's what men do. They leave. Dad and Angel and Giles Spike Riley." She laughed "So I shouldn't be shocked that he high tailed it out of here."

"You told him to go."

"Didn't fight it at all did he? "

"You are so blind. He told me that he didn't want to go. He said he wanted to find a way to convince you his leaving was a bad thing."

"Well he failed. He never even tried. For that matter Xander didn't even tell me Good Bye when he left. For all I care Xander can go to hell." Pure rage took over and Dawn just reacted. She smacked Buffy across the face and a look of shock crossed Buffy's eyes.

"I will not allow you to belittle someone who has done so much for you because you can't see." Buffy stepped back shaking her head.

"What can't I see Dawn?"

"Why did Xander stay 12 years? Why didn't he bail on you when Spike left you. Why didn't he bail on you a few years later when Angel left?"

"Because he's my friend." Dawn said nothing but again just shook her head and laughed. "Something funny?"

"He loves you Buffy. He loves you more then you damn well deserve. He always has but you are blind. Blissfully happily ignorantly blind."

Buffy didn't have it in her to fight anymore. Her eyes were blood shot and she looked tired. The voice that came out of her was small and defeated. "If he loved me so much then why did he leave me?" Tears ran down her face. "I've always counted on him. He has always been there and then one day he wasn't and" She sat on the couch covering her face with her hands crying.

Dawn went to her sister and sat next to her. She put her arm around her trying to comfort her. "Buffy it's going to be alright."

"It isn't though Dawn. I know why he left. I was a bitch. Spike came back and I treated him like he didn't matter anymore. I pushed him aside. I was practically taunting him with the things I did with Spike. It's no wonder he left. I would have left a long time before." She shook her head "How can I expect him to forgive me."

"Come on Buffy its Xander. He has the biggest heart. I know he misses you." Buffy's eyes lit up a little thinking that maybe hope wasn't lost.

"You really think he misses me?"

"Only one way to find out." Buffy sighed and shook her head.

"You are right. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"I need to straighten my life out. I need to fix things. I can't let him see me like this. I need to fix things." Dawn smiled feeling like she was seeing the sister she knew and remembered.

"You got me for the weekend. First we should get you cleaned up then this place. From there we will figure out your next move." Dawn hugged her sister. "Buffy you are going to be okay."

"Dawn one last thing?"

"Yeah?"

"My phone could you help me to plug it in?" Dawn smiled holding back the laugh. She took Buffy's phone and plugged it in to the computer in the den. Buffy waited till she had privacy then scrolled through the numbers till she found the one she wanted. On the other end of the phone was the familiar voice.

"Spike is that you?"

"Buffy?"

She whispered to keep her voice low so Dawn couldn't hear. "I need to see you. I think we have to talk?"