To Find What I Wasn't Looking For
Chapter 14
Amanda woke with a startle. Something felt wrong, something felt really wrong. She laid still, barely breathing, staring at the ceiling and listened to the soft snores that emitted from Olivia's lips who was still lying next to her, asleep. She had slept through the night without any problems and she did feel rested. Still tired but rested. There was a dull ache in her lower belly, not as bad as it had been last night but still sore and uncomfortable. She shifted a little, stretching her body out slowly, gradually, but hissed slightly as the dull ache intensified and started to cramp slightly. What was happening?
She glanced over at the sleeping brunette, making sure she was indeed asleep, before she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position, groaning faintly as she finally sat upright. Something still didn't feel right. Something was wrong... down there! Carefully, she snuck out of the bedroom and dragged herself to the bathroom, desperate to find out what was wrong and what was causing her discomfort.
Pulling her pants down, she lifted the lid to the toilet and took a seat, her legs still shaky from the night before. That's when she saw it! The pad she had put on last night was half filled with blood, bright and dark in colour but what stood out the most was the really dark, almost black, small clot in the middle, the size of a small grape, shiny and wobbly, like jelly. She brought her hands up to cover her mouth but it was already too late as an agonizing shriek tore through the walls and she couldn't help but to cry out in sadness, pain and relief. It was done. It was over with.
Liv popped an eye open as soon as she heard the high pitched sound coming from somewhere down the hallway. She immediately looked to her right and saw that the other half of the bed was empty, no Amanda. Slightly confused and still half asleep, she stood up, quickly ran her fingers through her slightly tangled brown locks and slipped out of the dim lit room and she could instantly see the light coming through from the crack underneath the bathroom door. "Amanda?" she called softly, standing only a couple of feet away, hearing her whimper from inside. "Amanda?"
There was no reply, just another faint whimper could be heard and Olivia didn't waste another second before flinging the door open, almost tearing it off of it's hinges in the process, afraid that Amanda had hurt herself. What she saw, she wasn't expecting.
The blonde sat on the toilet, hands covered her face, tears seeping through her fingers and her shoulders shook with tense sobs and cries that she refused to let out. Her pants and panties were pulled down and Olivia immediately noticed the blood and the dark small circular clot in her pad and knew straight away what she was looking at. "Oh, sweetheart!" she gasped and went straight in, ready to assist in any way she could, and she was somewhat surprised when Amanda didn't protest when she began to pull the pants and underwear off of her legs. Instead the crying woman just sat there, hands still covering her damp face and her breathing had turned shallow but laboured.
"Shhh, easy, breath for me, honey. Breath." she gently coaxed, pulled a towel from a hook nearby, covered Amanda's bare legs with it and tenderly stroked a naked knee. "It's over now, Amanda, it's over. You've been so brave, sweetheart and I'm so proud of you for being so strong." she shifted closer, placed a hand behind the blonde head and pulled her close to her chest, caressing the fair tresses in a soothing manner, hushing her as she continued her strokes.
The time passed and Liv noticed how cold Amanda's skin had gotten and decided that it was time for a warm shower and then something to eat. It took some time to get the blonde into the tub while trying to let her keep some of her dignity and pride at the same time but, with some gentle coaxing and guidance, she was now warming up underneath the warm spray of the showerhead, washing all the horrors away.
Olivia had gone in search for something warm and comfortable that Amanda could wear and she found a pair of sweatpants, underwear, a large t shirt and a woolly cardigan that she could use to warm her bones with. Nothing fancy but that was the least of their worries. She slowly entered the bathroom once again, saddened to see that Amanda hadn't moved an inch and was sitting in the same position as she had left her in, knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her lower legs, hugging herself tightly.
"Hey, honey. I found you something to wear. I'm gonna put them right here." she stated and placed the neatly folded clothing on the toilet, hoping Amanda had registered at least some of her words. Food was another issue and Liv felt bad for snooping around the small kitchen for anything edible but she didn't really have another choice. She found some canned tomato soup and some crackers in the cupboard above the small cooker and began to fix them a late breakfast or an early lunch, she wasn't sure which one.
She stirred the soup, absentmindedly, with a wooden spoon, thinking about everything that had taken place within the past twelve hours. A lot had happened and the though of Amanda having to go through all this broke her heart into tiny little pieces. It was almost unimaginable how things had gone from bad to worse, then back to bad before finally hitting the breaking point once again. Hopefully Amanda could now begin to heal and process everything in her own time, with professional help and the support from Olivia and Sarah. It wasn't going to be easy but she had survived her attack, survived Lucas vile and gruesome hands and, twice, survived the abortion procedure and now the healing process could begin.
Liv turned as she heard a faint noise coming from behind. Amanda stood in the doorway, pale, shaking, hair wet, swimming in her clothes, arms wrapped around her middle and her eyes looked raw and bloodshot but, to Olivia, she looked absolutely beautiful and she felt her chest and heart swell with pride for the woman standing in front of her. "Hey, you look a bit better. I hope you don't mind me rummaging through your cupboards and drawers. I found some tomato soup and crackers that should go down easily. Why don't you take a seat and I'll bring it to you."
"You... you didn't have to do all that just for me." she stuttered but made her way to the small kitchen table and sat down, bringing her knees up to her chest, hugging herself to keep warm.
"There's not much to it really. A pot and a wooden spoon with some already made soup is my specialty." she smiled and winked as she brought a steaming hot bowl over and placed it in front of the blonde. "Hang on." she said and left the kitchen but returned a few seconds later with a blanket Amanda had used the night before and spread it gently across her shoulders, rubbing her back soothingly a couple of times before getting her own bowl and crackers. "I hope you like it cause I heated it all by myself." she chuckled and was secretly delighted when she got a faint smile back.
Amanda couldn't finish her soup but she did eat most of it which Olivia took as a good sign and, after she had cleared the table, Amanda was still seated on the chair, the blanket tightly surrounding her and her pale blue eyes were filled with so many emotions Olivia couldn't even start counting. "How are you doing, sweetie, hmm?" she stood a couple of feet away, head cocked to one side and her eyes expressed nothing but care and concern.
The glistening eyes of the blonde fluttered slightly before they made contact with Olivia, a question lingering inside them. "Do you hate me?" she whispered so faint that the brunette almost missed it.
"What? No! Honey, why on earth would I hate you?" Olivia approached the seated blonde, kneeled before her and laid both of her hands on Amanda's knees, squeezing gently. "You have done nothing wrong."
"You don't hate me for having an abortion?" the tears rolled down her pale cheeks as her bottom lip began to tremble.
Olivia felt her own eyes burn with unshed tears, her heart breaking at the sight of pleading blue orbs. "Absolutely not, sweetheart." she brushed a lone tear with the pad of her thumb, letting her palm rest flush against Amanda's soft cheek. "I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't blame you and I don't judge you. You have nothing to be sorry, guilty or ashamed of. I'm just sorry that you went through with it all alone. I would've been there for you and so would Sarah. I want you to know that you can tell me anything, you can talk to me about whatever you want and need to talk about. I'm here for you."
That was all it took for Amanda before she collapsed into Olivia's safe arms, shuddering with so many emotions that she thought she might pass out. She sobbed so hard she could barely catch her breath, cried so intensively her head began to pound and her fingers started to tingle from too much air too fast. "Easy, sweetheart, easy! Breath for me, honey, you've got this. Shhh." she rubbed the quaking back in large soothing circles, feeling the tension and the rawness emitting from her muscles beneath her palm with each sob.
When things didn't seem to calm down, she carefully slipped an arm under Amanda's knees while the other was still wrapped around her shoulders and swiftly hoisted her up. When she felt the body stiffen and heard a fearful gasp, she kissed the blonde's temple, letting her lips ghost her skin as she softly reassured Amanda that she was safe and okay. "You're okay, my love. Everything is okay, shhhh. It's just me, I would never hurt you, sweet girl. I think some more sleep will do you good, hmm. Let me tuck you in, honey. You're so exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open."
She carefully carried her precious cargo back into the bedroom and gently lowered her onto the mattress. "Don't go." Amanda whimpered and clung tightly to Olivia's top, refusing to let go, needing to feel the warmth and safety of the older woman's body. Hungry for comfort.
"I won't go, my love, I won't go, I promise. Let's just get under the covers and warm you up, hmm? You need to get warm, honey. Your skin is icy cold to the touch and you're shivering. Come on, let me tuck you in." she cooed into a delicate ear while pulling the covers over the exhausted body and scooted in beside her, pulling her close to her chest and guided Amanda's face into the crook of her neck to help her feel safe and protected. The small hands were still grasping onto the front of Olivia's top, balling the material in a vice grip, so tight it turned her knuckles white.
"Shh, loosen your grip, honey. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here with you and I'm not gonna let go, I promise. Just try to relax, let your body and mind rest." she soothed and gently caressed the now heated and flushed face with cool hands, blowing a gentle breeze onto her clammy forehead and brushed damp hair away from her face, gazing down at Amanda's tear stained features. "You're okay, baby, you're okay." she whispered as she saw the blue eyes flutter.
Amanda took a shaky but deep breath and loosened her hold on the other woman's shirt, her eyes slowly closing. "You won't... leave?" she questioned in a childlike voice, so faint and innocent that it caused Olivia's threatening tears to finally spill and roll down her cheek.
"No, my sweet girl, I promise I won't. I'll be right here when you wake up. Just rest now, just let go, let yourself rest." she repeated those words over and over again, like a chanting mantra, forcing Amanda to believe her until the blonde eventually slipped into a much needed but uneasy slumber.
For nearly two hours Olivia laid there, watching as Amanda slept, soothed her every moan, every whimper and every frown that appeared on the blonde's features, comforting her even in her sleep. At one stage, Amanda had, unconsciously, even brought her hand up, resting it on Olivia's breast and cuddled as close as she possibly could against the older woman's warm and soft body. The touch wasn't sexual in any way and didn't cause arousal or any urges on Olivia's part, just a huge sense of warmth, empathy and compassion was dwelling inside her chest and a feeling she couldn't describe with a word other than love.
Was she falling for the woman or was it just a deep, strong and authentic care she had developed during the past few weeks? Love. According to Olivia, the word love, has such a wide spectrum. You can love someone or something on so many different levels and capacity but being in love was something totally different.
Being in love was something that Olivia had only experienced once before, many years ago, with the precincts assistant district attorney Alexandra Cabot. They were happily in love for a couple of years before the ADA was placed in witness protection program and they were separated. Years later, the attorney returned to New York, as herself, but the years they had spent apart had done too much damage to both of them, forcing them to let each other go and move on. Alex was still in the city but working another precinct. They still talked to each other when their paths crossed out in the field but nothing more and they were both very professional about it.
Looking down at a sleeping Amanda, she could feel the tingly and warm sensation, that she thought was buried too deep and too long to ever resurface again, swirl around inside her whole being and cause her heart to skip a beat and her stomach to flutter. Was it like this with Alex? She couldn't remember since it was such a long time ago but it was definitely very similar, maybe even stronger this time, deeper and more filling.
Eventually, she felt the blonde stir in her arms, letting out a soft moan as her eyes fluttered open. They still looked raw and sore, glazed over with a sheen of sadness and something else that Olivia couldn't put a word to. "Hey, sleepyhead. Did you have a nice sleep? You were kind of restless and kept whimpering and moving around. You okay?"
Amanda blinked several times, trying to get the sleepiness out of her eyes and adjust to the bright light that the sun created in the cozy bedroom. "Um, yeah. Weird dreams, I think. Don't remember them though." she whispered. Suddenly she bolted upright as she realized her hand was placed on Olivia's full breast, embarrassed and completely shocked by her action. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry! I... I didn't... I wasn't aware of... I'm not..."
"Hey, shhh, it's okay." Liv soothed as she joined the blonde in a sitting position, resting their backs against the wall behind. "You were asleep, you didn't know. Calm down, it's okay, honey." Amanda threw her a side glance, not looking convinced and blamed herself for her inappropriate behaviour. "How are you feeling? Still tired?" the brunette asked softly, placing a hand on Amanda's covered knee.
"Um, yeah... a bit, I guess. Shouldn't you be at work? I... I don't want to be the reason why you're absent. You can go, I'll be okay."
The look on Amanda's face told Liv straight away that she was lying but decided not to mention it. "Well, being the boss has it's advantages and benefits. I have so much vacation time worked up I could probably take a whole year off, paid." she chuckled.
"It must be difficult, having a job like yours, dealing with these kind of issues every day." the blonde murmured. "How do you do it? How do you find the strength to get up every morning knowing that you might face pedophiles, rapists and monsters? Why put yourself throught it? I know I couldn't."
Liv pursed her lips, thinking about her response carefully before answering. "Someone has to. It is hard, I'm not gonna deny that, but it's also very rewarding when justice is being done and the perp is locked up and behind bars. Not every case has a happy ending but most do. I guess I've learnt how to relish the moments when we do win and take into consideration that one more perp is off the street, or their home, and won't be able to hurt another person ever again. Plus, it's amazing to see how survivors find another lease in life, how they flourish and thrive after being through something terrible and traumatic. I love my job and I wouldn't know what to do without it."
"You're amazing." Amanda said after a brief silence. Her cheeks flushed at the embarrassing statement but she spoke the truth. "I... I don't know what I would've done if it weren't for you. I'm so glad that I texted you by mistake that day. I... I mean... I... what I'm trying to say is; thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me, even the things that weren't in your job description, like holding my hair back when I puked my guts up, making me soup so I would eat, giving me the number to your therapist and driving all the way out here just to make sure I'm okay. I... I really appreciate it, more than you know."
Smiling lovingly, Liv gently roped an arm around Amanda's petite shoulders, pulled her against her side and kissed the blonde tresses, letting her lips linger for several seconds before tucking the blonde head against her chest. "You're more than welcome, my love. I'm just glad that I'm here with you and that you're talking to me, opening up to me and letting me in. I'm here for you, honey, in whatever way, shape or form you might need me and I promise you that I will do whatever I can to help you through this. You deserve to be happy, sweetheart, you deserve to be truly happy."
Hearing those word coming from Olivia meant a lot to the younger woman and she could feel her heart and chest swell with unspoken emotions that were dying to come out. The feelings she had towards Olivia only grew stronger by each day and she wondered how long it would take before she would burst.