Ashley's thoughts

Lyrics

Flashback

I found something today. A letter. The pages are fresh in my mind like it was yesterday.

After that day everything was always quiet. Spencer was a constant welcomed clatter and she kept the house full of laughter among other things. Then again she probably knew the ins and outs of my empty house better than myself. I never felt alone with her there. It was safe, comfortable, and it felt like a home. Up until the day I left for the last leg of my tour.

Spencer had been distant and aloof the entire time I was home. Three days and she never once looked me in the eyes. It unnerved me to no end leading to my world falling apart as we reached the airport terminal for my departure.

"Ashley I can't do this anymore."

"Do What? This. You mean us. Spencer please." I'm not one for begging but this cannot be happening. I thought we were forever.

Backing away from the brunette, "No, I just-everything is hectic right now. You're touring and I never see you Ashley."

"Spencer we talked about this. You told just last week you were okay with this. We talk everyday and you always say you're okay and I can tell when you're lying to me." Moving closer to the blonde, "what's really going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

"Ash, it's-I can't. Not anymore. Everything is not okay. I need more than this. Phone calls and emails are not enough. This isn't working the way I planned. You said you'd only be doing this until the end of summer and I accepted that but this, I can't. Another what, month, year, I can't not see you like this Ashley. It's too hard. You're my life and it kills me to not have you here."

I'm frantically searching for the right words, "Spencer you know this is my dream. I love you more than anything. Please you don't know what you're saying. We can work through this." Stopping to swiftly grab Spencer's hands in her own. "Come with me."

"What? No!"

"Why not? Come with me. This is not how it's supposed to be."

"You're right. You're supposed to be with me. Here! Not calling from some beat down tour bus in the middle of nowhere. What about school. We had our lives planned Ashley. What happened to that?"

"Plans change Spencer. This-this is what I've wanted my whole life and you just-you can't run away like this"

**Final boarding call to Tampa, Florida**

Picking up her carry on from her feet. "I have to go Spencer. Please tell me that you will be here for me when I return."

"I-I'm sorry Ashley. I can't tell you that right now." Trying to hold the unshed tears she pulls out a folded piece of paper from her back pocket. She places a lingering kiss on the envelope and places it in my hands and turns to leave. "I've-I have to go. I can't-just-I love you, always-Bye Ashley."

To say I broke down is an understatement. I barely made it to my seat my eyes were clouded and tears covered my face the entire flight. Thank God there wasn't anyone seated next to me. I don't think I could deal with having to try using words and making them seem coherent at that point. Tried to open the paper she handed me but I couldn't see the words clear enough but I seemed to make out a few words…lyrics.

Opening the letter the words come falling back into my head.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself and center clarity, peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you, it's personal
Myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking I must go alone
I must take the baby steps til I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

But it's time for me to go…home

That house was never the same again. Everything was cold and held no warm fuzzy feelings like they used to the second I stepped into it again after I returned from the tour a few months later. With all the touring and crazy life I was living I didn't have time to spend drawing in sorrow but back where my past lay in that big empty house, I had nowhere to run.

Big Girls Don't Cry-Fergie