== Forbidden Fantasies ==

By Ayngel

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or any of the characters or concepts within. I make no money from this story or any other about Transformers.

I confess to pinching a line out of the second Lord of the Rings movie too and I guess that belongs to the creators of that!

Well, I've returned from my meanderings on the other side of Earth and it's back to the old grind of fitting TF writing in with work!

I wasn't idle while I was away and the rest of this story – now a prequel to Part 2 – is mostly written in draft, so it shouldn't take too long to post chapters. (Trains and planes can be very inspiring and creative places). There are about 5. The first few chapters of Part 2 are in draft as well.

I did some thinking about it as well and decided the first few chapters and various other bits could have been better written, so I have been attending to this. I haven't altered any of the facts in the story, just made some things clearer and removed a few inconsistencies as I said I would, if necessary, when I first started posting it. It is, after all, a story with somewhat complicated dynamics!

To all my readers and reviewers ***hello are you still out there???*** I hope you like this. Your comments and communications are always loved and appreciated.

Warnings: Adult themes, implied slash.

Chapter 14 : Despair

Designation: Thundercracker

Squadron Leader, Elite Air Command, Decepticon Earth Contingent

...................

Logic circuits can be strange things. Sometimes something stares you in the face and, for whatever reason, you just don't see it.

A couple of days after the battle, Warp was back in the land of the onlined. Apart from a large scar where his wing was ripped apart which his self repair systems had not gotten around to dealing with yet, he seemed to be physically intact and there were no other apparent systemic defects. Nor did he seem to be in pain. But his mental state was all over the place, and now I was deeply suspicious that something had happened to him when he had flown off and left us, or that the medication which Ratchet had provided was not the revival agent alleged but something more sinister.

Starscream, however, seemed preoccupied with his own issues and would not listen. Nobody else seemed interested either, and I certainly wasn't going to Megatron about it. All I could do was remain by my bondmate's side and hope that whatever it was would blow over during the next few weeks or so that it appeared we were going to be confined to the base.

..................

I remember – we were in the berthroom. Warp was acting, like so often lately, as though he were a million parsecs away. But this time, it was different. A lot worse than before.

For the second day running, he muttered to himself as he engaged in what seemed to be pointless frenetic activity. He went back and forth, picking things up and moving them and putting them down again. He got stuff out and then put it away again, and all the while he frowned as his wings twitched sporadically. The sight disturbed and frustrated me, especially since I had no idea what was wrong. I let him go for a while, and then I could stand it no longer. I must, I thought, try and get out of him whatever was tearing at his spark. Apart from anything else, I was afraid that if he kept going like this he would split the wound open again.

"Warp," I said softly from the berth, "come and sit down over here ...." I tried to sound as calm as possible as I patted the place beside me.

It was as though I hadn't spoken. He proceeded across the room with a set of cluster bomb components which only a few moments before he had extracted from the storage cabinet beside the berth.

"Warp ..."

He stopped in his tracks, then, and looked at me, his optics were hollow and haunted looking. I was shocked at how exhausted he appeared.. "There's a lot to be done, TC" he said, "a lot to be done ..." Then he continued on, and, opening another cabinet, started to put the components into neat piles on the shelves, which further alarmed me seeing as how it was such an un – Warpish thing for him to be doing.

I watched as he busied himself, stacking them precisely so that all the ends lined up. "You're doing a great job there!" I observed, thinking how hollow I sounded. But anything to maintain his awareness that I was actually in the room. "Thanks" he said, without looking up. Then he rose and went to the other cupboard to get some more.

Half way across the room, though, he paused and winced slightly as though something particularly unpleasant had manifested in his conscious awareness pool. For a moment he stood there just holding the components, looking like his mind were grappling with something difficult. Then he looked across at me directly, his optics still with that haunted look. "TC," he said, in a strangled sort of a voice, "do you remember the time we attacked the Towers?"

I must say, I was a bit taken aback. I mean, of course I remembered – even though the episode was now aeons distant - but it was just a very strange subject for him to raise. My thought processes immediately whirled rapidly as I struggled to consider what in Primus did this have to do with anything. At the same time, a part of me despaired further about his state of mind. For a few moments I just stared at him and I could say nothing.

"Well do you?" His voice had an edge of urgency.

I took a deep intake. Apart from anything else, it was not a nice topic to consider, Despite the passage of time and I found myself suddenly staving off images which I really preferred not to recall: of the tranquil waters of lake Iyili transformed into a raging torrent as the dam breached, and of the graceful buildings which had stood in it disintegrating like cards before their remnants were swept away, and, worse, of the screams which resonated above the roar of the torrent as tangle of bodies and debris swept over the Iacon scarp. My energon chamber lurched. Of course, memories of our "victorious attacks" were not supposed to bother a 'con but, as with so many other episodes, this one always had. And it mattered not that the victims were Alphas who had cared little for seekers during our time on Cybertron.

I felt myself frown. Then resigning myself to the acceptance that this was, apparently, of some importance and trying to keep my voice as soft as possible, I said: "What of it, Warp?"

My bondmate put down the components. He looked awful. His optics widened, and a visible tremor ran through him. "We had to do that, didn't we?" he whispered, looking straight at me. "I mean, we were under orders. Primus alone knows what would have happened to us if we'd disobeyed, isn't that right TC?" He came over then and stared at me intensely."Isn't that right?"

It occurred to me then how well I had used to be able to read him and of how well nigh impossible that was to do now, and a spasm rocked my spark with the sudden realization of just how much our bond had deteriorated. I mean, I already knew in my spark that it had, but I don't think it was until just then that I really started to acknowledge the truth. I felt suddenly sick inside. It was a truth I really did not want to deal with. So I thought about the Towers.

The entire episode wasn't hard to recall. Despite the passage of time, it came back only too readily. I could still feel the excitement among the assembled faithful at the massive assembly prior to the attack and Megatron's voice ringing out across the underground cavern: "the time has come to show all of Cybertron the might of the Elite Air Command .... there will be no finer demonstration than the destruction of the Alpha Districts ... those anachronistic scourges which continue to rape our planet's resources and will sweep victory from our grasp..." followed by the deafening roar of Decepticon support which had filled the hall....

Then, when that had died down, he had gone on ".... it will begin with the Towers ...." Another roar of approval. Then he had said "Starscream, newly appointed leader of the Elite Air Command, will lead the attack .... there will be no prisoners and no survivors ..." and Starscream had stepped forward to more deafening applause, and that had been his first sortie as Air Commander ....

"Yes," I said softly, "at that stage in the proceedings we would probably have been killed...." thinking – knowing – that "probably" was a complete understatement.

He turned away miserably. "We did a pit load of damage, didn't we TC?"

That was also an understatement. It wasn't just the Towers, but the damage inflicted on Iacon when the entire contents of the lake carrying the districts' remnants slammed into the city foundations below had been phenomenal. Megatron had proclaimed the attack an unmitigated success. I had, secretly, never been able to see why. Apart from destroying much which could have been useful to us, the episode had turned half of Cybertron against us, greatly increasing support for the Autobots.

He looked at me again, wide eyed "we did, didn't we?" I nodded, recalling Starscream gloating over what an easy target it had been going to be because the Autobots refused to defend it and nobody thought we would dare attack it.

He was coming towards me now. "That was Cybertron's history, that was, you know TC! That was our roots. And we went and totalled it." He stopped in front of me. "Surely you ain't gonna tell me you think we oughtta have done that, TC? Surely not!"

He glared at me accusingly, and now I just sat there, not just baffled, but positively astounded. It wasn't just that it was a weird subject. Despite the episode being far from our finest hour in my opinion, Warp had never really questioned it's rightness. Any more than he had ever questioned most of our supposed victories – as far as I knew. It was one of things we had started to argue over which had set us drifting apart.

I said "Warp, as you say, we were under orders ...."

"That's not what I mean!" he yelled.

Now this was starting to unnerve me. I said: "Warp, you know my feelings on it ... but I always thought you thought it was a good idea...."

"Well you thought wrong!" he sat on the berth next to me and buried his face in his hands.

Yes, logic circuits can be strange. Sometimes, suddenly things link up. I sat there feeling utterly mystified and completely helpless while he sat miserably beside me on the berth and racked my processor as to what I could come up with to relieve his obvious distress over this which, I now surmised, was something long hidden which had come out as a result of the trauma. And I remembered then that the Autobots had one of those Alphas with them who had unexpectedly survived the Towers attack. Mirage. The one who had almost certainly torn the hole in Warp's wing during the skirmish, and before that, had attacked us viciously on that bridge during the first few days on Earth – in fact, we had been lucky to survive..

Warp had gone on about the bridge attack and Starscream had had a go at him about it. And so, I surmised, it could be something to do with that.

Given what had already happened, I still think it strange that this was the first time on Earth that I had really thought about Mirage. I mean, I had no reason at that stage to believe that Warp harbored anything for him other than the general contempt he felt for all the Autobots, but Mirage's presence among them was still probably something I should have at least considered. After all, his animosity towards Seekers was well known and he had embarked on several vendettas over the aeons which involved picking off members of my squadrons. For now, though, I used him to try and lighten the situation. "They didn't all die," I said, "Some survived. The Autobots have got one with them...." Then, with an attempt at humour, I said, half laughingly, "You should be well aware of that, Warp!"

He started at me with another look which was absolutely unreadable and again my spark gave a jolt and that sick feeling swept through me, as painful in its mystery as in its physical properties. I laid a hand on his wrist. He shook me off and rose and was crossing the room again now. He stopped on the other side and looked back at me, and I could see that he was right on the edge of tears. "I did the dam, TC, you did the top..." he whispered, "what did you see?"

I said "Warp, I don't think ..."

"Tell me!" his voice had a hysterical note to it. And now my spark sickened at the possibility that Mirage had caught him and done something awful to him whilst he was injured. Because that was not beyond the bounds of possibility. Mirage really could be very dangerous. And then I berated myself because I hadn't been around to deal with the situation. And I felt a surge of anger towards Starscream then, especially, because I'd wanted to stay with Warp and not go around again on another useless strafing run which wasn't going to achieve anything. And I thought angrily that Starscream had done nothing but screw things up for both of us ever since we'd arrived here, and that he'd been screwing things up for a good few aeons before that too.

Warp was still waiting for an answer. And in his current state, I did not want to answer. What could I say? One nanoclick, and all those buildings were there. Then there was a roaring as the dam broke and they weren't. Then there were all those islands of screaming, bleeding mechs clinging to bits of rock and buildings and body parts ...

I said "It - er – well it wasn't a pretty sight, Warp ..."

His intakes let out a wretched sort of a noise and he turned away. He leaned on the back of the chair in front of the desk and his head was bowed. I stared at his back, still not knowing what to think and even less knowing what to say. There was an uncomfortable silence, and then he said softly: "Alphas, they believe in the afterlife .... they had all those offerings urns and shrines and things in the lake ..." he turned to me: "Do you think they lived on?"

This was, I thought, getting beyond a joke. Warp had absolutely no interest in religion, and as far as I knew, he had never even had ever even considered the subject of Alpha religeon. Something had happened to him. Something told me that rather than ask him outright it would be better to go along with this, though, so I said: "They believe in the realm of Eternal Illumination." I did know that. They hadn't taught me much at that stupid Praxan College, but I did know that. "As for the rest – I don't know, Warp. I honestly don't know"

He was looking at me again, feverishly. "Do you think its only them that go there or anyone?"

He looked stricken and I really wanted to go over there and take him in my arms, but thinking of how he had shaken me off, and the strangeness of all this, I refrained. I said gently: "I don't know. I've never believed, really, that we go anywhere."

He burst into tears. "Even if anyone could go there, we wouldn't, would we. Not after what we did! We'd go straight to Kell, after that!"

And now something snapped in me and I could not help it. I crossed to him and said "Warp, easy ...",

And now he did let me put my arms around him and I took him over to the berth and sat him down and he sobbed on my shoulder, great racking sobs which were so awful in their intensity that I nearly broke down as well. But I didn't, feeling I needed to be strong to help him.

"I'm gonna pray for them, TC! I reckon Seekers should have thought more about all this!" and he let me put both arms around him and hold him there.

And now, as I stroked his helm, I remembered that Warp had been raised in that orphanage in Kaon, the one they had closed down because of the atrocities uncovered there, and that part of their ethos was to strike terror into the inmates through fear of religious retribution. Well, I thought, at least I had some inkling of why he was upset, although how it all was related eluded me. Kissing his helm, I murmured, in an attempt to help:

"Warp, I don't think you should distress yourself with the need to pray for them. Alphas weren't – aren't - very nice. They took all the pickings from Cybertron for aeons...." He made a little noise and, interpreting this as a positive sign that I had got through on some level, I went on: "They were still doing it you know, even when they'd stopped running the show. They screwed a lot of Cybertronians, and they didn't care. A lot of Iaconians thought the Towers should have been done away with long before …"

In one move he was on his feet. Then he just seemed to erupt. "What in Kell would you know about it?" he screamed at me.

There was a furious look in his optics and a part of me felt sick again at the craziness of this, but another side sensed the need to remain calm and logical. So I said: "Well Warp, think about it. I mean, Alphas were - are - a pretty mean, uncaring lot. I mean, look at that one they've got now! He used to creep around the squadrons and kill mechs in cold blood. What he did was just as bad as what we did! He nearly killed us at that dam, Warp!".

His optics were furious red glowing orbs "Don't you ever say that!" he roared. Would you have done any different TC, if you'd been through what he went through? You don't even know him! I'm not even gonna bother listening to this!"

And, at that, he stormed out, kicking the door so it opened and not even bothering with the release mechanism.

Shortly after, there was a sudden swoosh of the doors and a flurry of red and blue and wings.

Starscream looked furious. "What in Kell is going on with him?" he demanded.

Well, now, I just was not in the mood for him barging in like that. It showed a complete lack of understanding, and was, as far as I was concerned, insufferably rude. And now all the anger and frustration which had been building at my failure to get through to my bondmate rose within me and I thought again that whatever had happened, it was probably all his bloody fault. "He's having a bad time," I thundered. "It's getting sorted! Now just frag off and leave us alone ..."

But that was beyond his capabilities, and the havoc he had just caused was beyond his comprehension. "Couldn't you have settled him down?" he snapped. "Soundwave's picking up intense emotional disturbance and I'm supposed to come up with an explanation ..."

I rounded on him then. I was not above having a crack at him and right then I was very, very close to it. In fact, I think if I had I would have done some damage, even if I had not ultimately come off best. I yelled: "So its about you, as usual, isn't it? Well if you don't get the frag out of here Starscream, I'll give Soundwave an emotional disturbance to think about that he hasn't seen the like of since your row with Megatron at the battle of Tiger Pax!"

I was aware that my fists were clenched and I was within a hair's breadth of landing him one. It must have made some impact, because he held up a hand. "All right, all right!" I glowered at him and he backed off. He did, after all, know how I could be once I was riled up. But then he smiled and said, too smoothly, "Since you appear to be having some difficulties, Thundercracker, I will speak to Skywarp!"

And he turned around and swept from the room, leaving me absolutely seething because not only had I completely failed to figure out what was with Warp and to help him, there was now the prospect that Warp would tell him something he wouldn't tell me, and I didn't want that because no matter how fragged things were I was still his bond mate and Starscream had no right to interfere when it came to things upsetting Warp. None at all ..

And now I was crying tears of sheer frustration and I did a rare thing for me, I picked up the remaining cluster bomb components which Warp had not put away, and smashed them on the ground, and as I did it I imagined it was Starscream's head which shattered on the stone floor, because my bond with Warp was fragged and it was all his fault.

And I was so angry with Starscream that I never saw what should have been the real object of my jealousy and despair

Yeah, well, maybe that's why it was so long before I did put two and two together. That and just not wanting to figure it out. Even though it was staring me in the face. That's what I told myself, anyway.

Designation: Skywarp

Squadron Leader, Elite Air Command, Decepticon Earth Contingent

.........................

In the distance, I heard TC yelling at Screamer and I kept going, heading out of the base and into the ocean and into that silent world of fish and swaying plants and light and shadows where I could hide among the rocks and try to forget the universe existed.

How dare TC go on about Mirage like that! Especially when he'd just admitted so fully and frankly to what we did.

What we did. It really was every bit as awful as I'd imagined. And I'd never even thought about it properly. Just blundered along with this fixation - as Starscream so aptly put it - about Mirage when if I'd only stopped to think, Screamer was quite right, he could not possibly want me and not because he was a horrible person but because I was. How could I possibly ever make anything better? I was doomed to be hated by him for all eternity, and had been a fool to think it could be otherwise.

Later, I wondered why I thought this so strongly. After all, Mirage had said or done nothing which should have made me think it was the case. On the contrary, he had responded to me like a saviour. And he had acted like he didn't want me to go, and had said something as I was leaving, except I had not stopped to listen to it before plunging into the void and running away in terror.

Was it really because of the enormity of what we'd done?

At the time, it was definitely that. Looking back now, I think it was also fear. The fear of, once again, falling for somebody who wouldn't love me back. After all, had that not been the case with Screamer? Had I not lay there in an agony of wanting Primus only knew how many times just wishing he'd say what I wanted to hear? And what a wasted hope that had been. The way he'd been treating me on Earth had confirmed that not only had I never been anything more than a good frag, he did not even particularly like me. And if Mirage ever turned on me like that ...

Well, I didn't think I could bear it. So my logic circuits were telling me – just as they had so many times over Screamer – to get the Kell out and go back to my bondmate and not be such a dumbaft – no – to really do it this time. And they even gave myself a reason for why it was so necessary that I did it. Except that it hurt. More than it ever hurt with Screamer. And I couldn't face TC when he said things like he just said....

My com crackled.

.:: Skywarp! Come in! ::.

Screamer. The last person I wanted to see, second only to TC. He could go to kell. He and TC could both go to Kell. I wanted to be alone.

.:: Skywarp! Acknowledge – that is an order! ::. I ducked down behind a pile of rocks and switched the com off and then, taking a seat on the ocean floor, leaned back against them. Watching the myriad of fish, I tried to focus on them and to clear my processor of all else.

But I could not get Mirage out of my head, and, even as I despaired at the hopelessness, I was figuring out some way I could get to see him again and apologize again. And, in fact, I thought, I would hand him my laser gun and say "Do what you have to. I deserve it!" And then if he did it I would be allowed into the Realm of Eternal Illumination with all those other Alphas, all his ancestors, and they would say "look, it's Skywarp, he sacrificed himself for what he did. We must forgive him ..."

And then they would let me stay there and I would wait for Mirage to die and when he did he would forgive me too ....

And I sat and stared at the fish and cried and wallowed away there and soaked up the agony of it all.

Designation: Starscream

Commander, Elite Air Command, Decepticon Earth Conntingent

....................

He was ignoring me. But, of course, I knew exactly where he was because of the locators we had been ordered to carry at all times. Surely he was not in so much of a state as to have forgotten that?

He had wandered a fair way and it took me a little while to locate him and then get across to where he was hiding. As I tramped though the murky water towards the coral covered rocks behind which I knew he had concealed himself, I reflected again on the unsatisfactory nature of Decepticon affairs and how I was going to change them. And it would, I thought grimly, start right here. I still did not, to my immense frustration, know all the details of what had happened behind the scenes at the battle but I had a strong inkling that whatever had again caused trouble between him and Thundercracker was linked to it and I had a pretty damned good idea what the subject matter was.

And that meant finding out – and dealing with it – not in the way I had before but in the way I had always found most effective in bringing Skywarp into line. After all, had that not always rendered him eating out of my hand? And had it not always put any other thoughts – even of his bondmate – out of his processor? No, if there were any lingering fantasies or other ridiculous nonsense still there about Mirage d'Ligier, I was certain that by the time I'd finished it would be history.

Besides, I thought as my circuits started to tingle in anticipation of what I knew was coming, I had deprived myself of this since our arrival here and the intensity of the tingling told me I needed more than Viewfinder's talents to maintain myself in a fully functional state. And had I not decided that he was what I wanted? How noble it had been of me to refrain for so long.

And Thundercracker? Well, he was no stranger to this. The situation had been obvious for aeons. It was time he faced facts and moved on.

Yes, they would both just damned well do exactly what I wanted.

Despicable. But he's in for a nasty surprise.

And yes, hot (underwater) scene coming up. But you'll have to wait until after the next chapter – which is back in the Autobot camp. Sorreeee ....... won't be long. **A**