Author's Note: I don't even own fried bubblegum, because that belongs to the State Fair of Texas.
When Haley said she needed my fireplace, I wasn't expecting her to burn her mementos of every event she had attended with Sven. Although I can't say I was sorry to see the flyer advertising Janet Featherstone's concert go up in flames, I was sorry that she hadn't wanted to burn her plaid shirts as well. I guess you can't take the country out of the girl completely.
"Haley, this is a HUGE step! What made you decide to do this?"
"You won't like it."
"I still want to know."
"Harmony, I like to think that we're friends."
"We ARE friends, Haley! After all, I have invested A LOT of time and energy in you."
"Thanks?"
"You're welcome! So, what won't I like?"
"I like this guy, but he's SO far out of my league it's ridiculous. And I'm a terrible person for even considering..."
"I'm going to stop you right there, Haley Jones! NO ONE is out of your league. Believing that is key. Also: any guy who wins your heart is lucky."
"Do you really think so?"
"I really know so. Now, tell me what makes Mr. Wonderful Mr. Wonderful."
"He saved me."
OH! MY! GOD! Haley's Mr. Wonderful is SYLAS COCKERELL! She must have fallen for him after he braved the murky depths of the pond on her behalf. I had hoped that a minor disaster would befall her, hence my insistence that she attempt to operate one of the park's giant plastic swans by herself. If she ended up in the water, I was sure Fate would send her a hero.
"That means he's a keeper! I'm happy for you, Haley."
I had retired from matchmaking, but, if Haley wanted to do a little matchmaking for herself, I didn't see the harm in lending her a hand. Besides, I approved of her choice. Speaking of which, I decided it was high time that I paid Sylas a little visit. After I realized I was in-like with Sylas, he tortured Janet Featherstone about Joseph Dixon, and I began to suspect that Dave was right about Sylas not being my destiny. However, I needed to know how he felt about me. Just in case, I filled my pockets with tissues. If he shed a few manly tears, while I was gently breaking his heart, I would be prepared. But before I dealt with Sylas, I decided to surprise Marge with coffee.
"Harmony Woodwin, my angel, what are you doing here?"
Was I actually going to get to answer her questions for a change?
"Oh! You brought coffee. How sweet of you, dear!"
No answering questions for Harmony! I may as well make myself comfortable, while I wait out the talking storm.
"I've been thinking, dear, that the fair is opening next week, and I would like to go. They're frying all sorts of things these days, and my heart, and my stomach, is set on trying a piece of fried bubblegum. I've mentioned this to Janet dearest, and she said I should run it by you, because you organize the groups' activities, which brings me to my point: how do you think everyone would feel about going to the fair? Janet dearest has been asked to perform, and your father could provide transportation, and your viewers could see what fried bubblegum looks like. So...what do you think?"
I think Dave has a soft spot for cotton candy. And I think the viewers would enjoy seeing me do something the common man could relate to. Plus, I haven't been on a Ferris Wheel since someone's fifteenth birthday party. When the ride got stuck, we started playing Truth or Dare. Eventually, everyone was dared to kiss whoever was in the seat next to them. I blame my shitty luck for Evan being the one I had to kiss. Because I deserve a better Ferris Wheel experience than being forced to kiss my best friend, I tell Marge that she will get that piece of fried bubblegum.
"I ALWAYS put my faith in you, dear. You NEVER let me down!"
The rest of the visit passed pleasantly enough, with Marge gushing about me, and no letters from Janet, so I left in good spirits. As I was strolling down the driveway, humming a tune I'd learned from a commercial for a product I couldn't remember, I saw something impossible: Sylas Cockerell and Janet Featherstone were sitting on the hood of his car. What were they doing TOGETHER? I overheard her say, "You didn't have to take it so far," and I watched him whisper something in her ear. Then, she slapped him across the face. In that moment, Janet Featherstone was impressive, let me tell you, like Zena: Warrior Princess. He whispered something else, and, as she raised her arm to deliver another blow, he caught her by the wrist. I couldn't believe what I had just seen, and I walked the whole way home in a daze. I didn't even think about hailing a cab.
I spent the rest of the week making arrangements for our trip to the fair. Everyone had agreed to come, so three limos, Brad's van, and Marge's timeshare had to be procured. Everyone turned out to be: Evan and myself, True and Warren, Marge and Janet, and Sylas and Haley. Adelaide invited herself and Sven, because her friends had told her that she could enjoy a fair more than most. Just to be on the safe side, I bought mass quantities of painkillers and ear plugs.
I am sitting on my suitcase, to make sure it will stay closed, when Evan greets me with a sarcastic, "Let me guess...that's your makeup bag."
"It's my EVERYTHING bag," I primly correct him.
"Color me shocked! I never thought I'd see the day when Harmony Woodwin only packed ONE bag."
"That doesn't mean I won't come back with more than one bag."
"Of course it doesn't. Anyway! I just came to tell you that Sylas can have you."
"What?" I nearly toppled over the edge of the bed.
"It's all arranged. You and Sylas can have a limo to yourselves, and everyone else can use the other limos."
"Why did you do that?"
"I was being a good friend by giving you some alone time with the guy you like."
"A good friend would know that I like to make my own arrangements!"
"A good friend knows how to show a little gratitude when someone does her a favor!"
"Evan, I appreciate you, and I'm sorry for being a bitch. Packing has just TOTALLY fried my brain."
I rested my head on his shoulder, and he didn't shove me away, so I figured I had been forgiven.
"How about I help you un-fry it? I know where your dad keeps his booze."
"I'd love to have a drink with you, but..."
"You already have plans with Sylas."
Not officially, but, judging by what had gone down in the driveway, I needed to talk to him more than ever.
"Yeah, I do, but...I'm really sorry."
"You're really sorry an awful lot, Harm!"
"Evan, I don't know what you want from me! First: I'm not a good friend. Then: you want to have a drink with me. Now: you're pissed because I have a life outside of you. What am I not doing that you want me to do?"
"You're not making me a priority."
"Evan, I still care about you as much as I always have."
"But you care about Sylas more!"
"If you really think you've lost the top spot on my priority list, why do you want me to share a limo with Sylas?"
"Because I want you to be happy."
"I'M HAPPY WHEN I SPEND TIME WITH YOU!"
"If that were true, you wouldn't have made plans with another guy!"
"You sound like a jealous boyfriend!"
Evan is already climbing out of the window before I can process the insanity I have just spewed. Evan Knight? Jealous? Over me? Nothing could EVER happen that would make that possible! Not that I wanted it to be possible, of course.
Twenty minutes later, Sylas was on Evan's side of my bed.
"You sounded pretty hysterical when you called me, so...what's going on, Chicken Little? Is the sky falling? Or are you just wanting to talk me to death about Haley? Because, trust me, you've convinced me that Haley Jones is God's gift to mankind!"
"Chicken Who?"
"Chicken Little. It's a children's story about a chicken who thinks the sky is falling, and she freaks the fuck out, and she spreads her paranoia among the other birds. Eventually, they all get eaten by a fox. The moral is: don't panic until you know that you have something to panic about."
"Thanks for the unnecessary Literature lesson, Sy, but we have more important things to discuss than..."
"Paranoid poultry?"
"Exactly! Here's the thing: while you were visiting your aunt, I started to think I liked you...as more than a friend."
"And now?"
"You're still one of the best guys I know, but I only like you as a friend."
"My pride is a little wounded, but I'm not seeing the problem, Harmy."
"The problem is that people might assume that we are more than friends."
"People like Evan?"
"Evan is just a friend. What he thinks doesn't matter!"
"I never pegged you as someone who gives a damn about what other people think."
"That's because I'm not!"
"Of course you're not, which means: our relationship can be like it has always been, and we don't have to waste time explaining ourselves. The most important thing is that we know how we feel."
"Wow! Packing really has fried my brain. I'm NEVER this melodramatic!"
"You're ALWAYS this melodramatic."
I hit him with a pillow, and I press on.
"I'm sorry I dragged you away from work for nothing."
"Anything for my best girl," he kisses the top of my head, and he heads for the door.
"You'd better be prepared to entertain me tomorrow, Harmy, because we've got a LONG car ride ahead of us."
"Uh...Sylas?"
He turns to face me.
"Yeah?"
For someone who doesn't give a damn about what people think, I really had to screw up my courage before I could say what was on my mind.
"Did you ever like me...as more than a friend?"
"I'll see you tomorrow, Harmy."
In the limo, Sylas and I covered each other in Silly String, so I was still picking pink bits out of my hair when I entered McDonald's. I sat at a table by the window, and Janet, of all people, claimed the seat across from me.
"I thought you could use some company."
"Oh?"
"You must be lonely now that Evan has Haley."
"WHAT?"
My jaw dropped so far, I think it became unhinged.
"Evan and Haley have been having lunch together every day, and they saw a movie last night. I thought you knew, but I'm just beginning to realize that you didn't. If I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong...I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it! I'm happy my friends are becoming friends. Besides, I've got Sylas."
"How is that going," she gulps.
Thinking about Sylas must remind her of Joseph Dixon.
"Sylas is Sylas."
"Uh-huh."
"You know what I mean! After all, you spent time together in Europe."
"I met him at a charity event, but we were never friends."
"But you sang that duet!"
"That was my grandmother's idea! So, are you and Sylas friends, or..."
"It's time to get those fine asses in gear, Ladies! We have a fair to get to."
Sylas wanted to resume our Silly String war, but my heart wasn't in it. My thoughts kept wandering to Evan and Haley. How long had they been lunch-buddies? What if Haley was only pretending to be into Evan, so no one would realize that she was really interested in Sylas? Maybe she was afraid of coming on too strong before Sylas had the chance to know her and like her. What if Sylas thought Haley was unavailable, so he started ignoring her? What if Evan discovered he was being used, and he started hating Haley? What if Evan fell for Haley, while she was pretending that she had fallen for him?
I would have to suffer through another conversation with Janet Featherstone, because there HAD TO be details I was missing, but, first, I had to get her alone. I'm not sure how it had happened, but Adelaide had made it her mission to advise Janet on all of the places she should visit on her next tour, so she was constantly clinging to Janet's side. I'm sure Sven welcomed the peace and quiet. Until I had a plan for dealing with Janet and Adelaide, I decided to take advantage of the ocean, and the moonlight, by dancing in the waves. I had intended to turn on some music, because I brought my iPod with me, but the beauty of the human voice was lost on me after hearing Adelaide's incessant squawking of "My friends say I would make an EXCELLENT travel agent."
"Are you dancing with anyone special," Evan asks.
"Just Prince Charming, but I would tell him to get lost if I thought you wanted to cut in."
"You know I don't dance."
"That sounds like a coward's excuse."
"I'll show you how much of a coward I am!"
His hands were on my ass, and we were pelvis-to-pelvis so fast that my head was spinning. It took a great deal of effort to ignore the deafening pounding of my heart.
"Dance with me like a GENTLEMAN."
"Spoil-sport," he pouts, but he moves his hands.
"Do you think Haley and Sylas would make a good couple?"
Whatever Haley had said to Evan during their secret lunch dates, he had to know that Haley really wanted Sylas.
"Don't YOU like Sylas?"
"Of course, but I can still ask a hypothetical question."
"I do think Sylas is interested in someone, but I'm pretty sure it isn't..."
We had danced far enough from the shore to be submerged by a wave. Spluttering indignantly, we resurfaced. I glared at him, and he glared at me, and we both started laughing.
What I hope will be my better Ferris Wheel experience begins with Sylas's announcement that he wants a wife.
"I'm trusting you to find the woman of my dreams."
"That's a lot to ask, Sylas."
"Lighten up, Harmy! Everyone knows you're no matchmaker."
As a rule, I encouraged his teasing, but this felt like an attack. When I'd gone to the kitchen that morning to scrounge up some breakfast, I could tell that he had been talking to his aunt, because he had hung up the phone, and he had muttered something about 'all these women thinking they have the right to control my life,' as he threw his phone at the wall. I took that as my cue to skip breakfast. Bottom line: none of that was about me, so I did not appreciate his attitude.
The Ferris Wheel shuddered to a stop. I hoped no one in our group was immature enough to suggest Truth or Dare, because Sylas didn't deserve my kiss. However, Sylas did suggest another game.
"Listen up, Everyone! It's time to entertain Miss Woodwin. You can only say three things, but they can make her feel happy, or sad, or bored, or any other emotion."
"What makes you think I would want to entertain HER," Adelaide asks.
Even if she wasn't trying to offend me, which wasn't likely, I was offended, and I lashed out at the next person who dared to speak to me.
"As long as Harmony can feel ANY emotion, I'll play!"
"Don't bother, Marge! You'll NEVER be able to stop talking after three things."
That was the worst thing I had ever said, and I could have kissed the ride's operator for shattering the silence.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? We are experiencing some technical difficulties, so...if you would just relax, we'll have the ride up and running as soon as we can."
I had five hours to think about what I had done, because no one would speak to me, not even Brad. Every so often, I would glance at Dave, and he would shake his head in disbelief. My head knew that everyone should be rallying around Marge, but I couldn't silence my heart's deafening roar of "Pick ME! Choose ME! Love ME!" I knew I had been a monster to the closest thing I have to a grandmother, but I wouldn't have minded a little understanding. Hadn't I been plagued with questions about why Janet had slapped Sylas? Hadn't I been forced to put up with Adelaide Harrison and Sven Echnovich? Hadn't Sylas been a total dick to me? Hadn't Haley been masking her feelings for Sylas by hanging out, behind my back, with MY Evan? My Evan? DAMNIT! I was in love with Evan Knight, and he was going to kill me for being terrible to Marge Bates.
Five hours, and every major news station, later, I was back on solid ground, but, metaphorically, the ground I shared with Evan had never been shakier. I owed Marge one hell of an apology, and the sooner, the better. But Evan got to me first. DOOM!
"How could you do that to Marge?"
"I..."
"I thought you understood that people are only nice to her because WE are!"
"The world isn't ending, Evan! Marge just misunderstood me."
"EVERYBODY knows exactly what you meant, Harmony! Marge knows that she talks too much, and she knows that most of what comes out of her mouth should have stayed in her head, but she trusts us to love her unconditionally."
"I..."
"You're her FAMILY, Harmony! Before this summer, she barely saw Janet, and who knows what her good-for-nothing kid is up to, so you're all she's got."
"I..."
"I've never been so disappointed in someone in my ENTIRE life! Harmony, I CAN'T put up with this shit anymore!"
When Evan walked away from me, I felt the full weight of what I had done to Marge Bates. Having no one is the WORST feeling in the world.
non-damsel: Your Sophie and Becka scene outside of Banana Joe's inspired me to do one of my own. Something about imitation being the highest form of flattery, or whatever. Most importantly: I SURVIVED THE MISS BATES INCIDENT!