Chapter 14: Endlessly
"I will wait for you" So spoke,
Misery
-Endlessly, She Said, A.F.I.
Someone once said that before things get better, they have to get worse than they already are. The exact reason why might not be definite but some believe that in order to truly appreciate the beauty of the end result, one must suffer a little bit first. The sensations that suffering summons are none too pleasant and most could do without them. Those who tough it out, those who survive to see the silver lining, are those who are the fortunate, the ones who reap the benefits.
At the present, Sirius Black is suffering. He had long since abandoned his post at the door of the girls' bathroom in favor of wallowing on his bed in self pity.
Lily had woken up to find James curled to her side and Sirius pawing at a closed door. Enraged at the tenacity of James' clinginess, she had proceeded by yelling at him to get out of her bed before walking over to Sirius to ask him what he thought he was doing. In awe, she listened as he told her of his confession from that morning and the results it had produced. Confused, she ushered Sirius to his dormitory, promising to talk to Angie for him because her actions did not follow any sort of logic.
That is how Sirius now finds himself lying on his bed, staring at the canopy, wondering where he had gone wrong. He contemplates where his honesty had gotten him and how his friends have failed him. He ignores James and his ecstatic retelling of how he had gotten kicked out of Lily's bed, of how, despite the slight hangover he had, last night's sleep was the best one he had ever had, of how he now knows what the touch of an angel feels like, of how much he wishes to feel it once again. Sirius turns onto his side, giving James the signal to quit his bragging.
Affronted, James walks over to face Sirius and sighs, "I know this is going to bring my mood down but you are my best friend, so spill. What's on your mind?"
Sirius stares at James for a brief moment, wondering how to word it all. Finally, he manages to utter, "Told her. She locked herself in the bathroom. What does that mean?"
James' face falls. Clearly, he had not been expecting that reply. "Okay," he begins, "What exactly did you tell her?"
"Well, I told her that she's the only one I'm ever completely at ease around," he pauses when he sees the look on James' face, "No offense to you mate but she knows things about me that you don't, things I could never tell you because they're just too hard to relive…"
"I understand, I guess."
"Okay. I told her about my feelings for her; but, before I could explain them, she locked herself in the bathroom. It's why I was at the door, begging her to open it and talk to me, to let me explain myself." Sirius sighs, completely confused by his best friend's actions.
"Wow. I… I don't know what to say to you, mate. I mean, I've gotten the closed, locked doors before from Lily but she was never my best friend, she was never my childhood companion. She's just… The girl I know I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with."
"You know, if I didn't feel the same way about Angie, I'd tell you that you sound like a pansy."
"Well, if that's the way you feel about her, maybe I could tell you a thing or two…" James intones, "Firstly, don't press her to talk to you. I mean, I know I did that to Lily; but that's because she would never talk to me if I didn't. Angie's your best friend, your hers; she can't help but have to talk to you eventually about it. Secondly, be patient. It might feel like Hell right now but, eventually, everything will clear up, everything will be good for you, okay?"
Deftly, Sirius nods his head. It is now that Peter decides to stop snoring and wake up. Seeing the solemn look on Sirius' face, he asks groggily, "What's wrong with him?"
James answers that he finally told Angie and Peter sighs, "Well mate, it took you long enough. At least now we can confirm that you do indeed have a spine." He then dodges the barrage of hurtled objects speeding at where his head used to be. "Cranky much?"
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"Angie, you can't spend all day in the loo! Some of us need to go pee too, you know!" Lily yells across the door. Sirius had left a couple minutes ago and Angie still had not come out of her hiding place.
"Is he gone yet?" Angie answers for the first time.
Lily sighs, "Yes."
Slowly, deftly, the lock slides back and the door opens. Angie's eyes are glassy and red, home to a vacant look. Lily pulls her into a hug, "Oh Angie!" she whispers, "It's okay. It'll be okay." She ushers Angie back to her bed and sits next to her. "Whatever he said to you, I'm sure he didn't mean to break you with it."
"Lily," she whispers, "what do I do? I mean, what do I say to him?" She looks at Lily, eyes full of confusion and curiosity.
"I don't know, Angie. What did he say to you?"
"He… He… He said that he has feelings for me."
Lily's eyes widen as her jaw drops. "Do you mean to tell me that he just told you that he has feelings for you?" Angie nods. "The kind of feelings that you've been moping about for the better half of this year?!" She nods again. "Are you daft?! This is getting ridiculous, Angie! You finally get what you want and you shut yourself up from it? What is wrong with you, Angie?"
Angie sighs, "I realized last night that, if I were to lose him because he got bored of me or because he found someone else, our friendship wouldn't be the same. I mean, every time that I get my heart broken, he's always the one that picks me up and puts me back together again. He tells me that whoever it was, Chase or whoever, was a complete idiot for letting me go, that everything will be okay and that the right guy for me is out there somewhere. If I go out with him and it doesn't work out, what happens then? Who will help me put myself together again? Who will tell me that I'm not unwanted? If it ends on bad terms, will we get into a bitter fight and broadcast every single one of each other's secrets?"
Lily sighs, "And what if he's Mr. Right? Did you consider that he just might be the one out there for you? That the only guy who could ever make you happy just might be him? What if he doesn't get bored of you? What if, even if he does meet someone else, you're still the only one for him, the one that he would choose? Did you think about that?"
"Lily, that's not the point. Last night, I came to the conclusion that all that we could ever be is friends. It might be selfish but I'd rather not chance going anywhere further with him but have his friendship than take the risk and lose him forever."
"You're right; that is selfish. Don't you realize that it's not just your choice in the matter? That he, the guy who will do anything you ask of him, deserves a chance to try to be happy? Don't you think he deserves a chance, as opposed to all the other idiots you've gone out with who've done nothing but break you heart?"
"Lily, I can't stand losing him."
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That Sunday, Angie realizes that if she doesn't talk to Sirius, she just may lose him all the same. It is for this reason that she makes her way into the common room, searching for a certain shaggy haired boy. To her dismay, she does not see him before she makes her way downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.
Gloomily, she takes a seat and swirls her spoon around in her bowl, trying to figure what she'd say to him if she sees him today. 'So, I was thinking about what you said and I uh… Nah. He deserves a lot better than that. Hey Sirius, I want to talk to you about what you said yesterday. I was thinking about it and as flattered as I am, I can't help but feel that we should remain friends.' She wrinkles her nose as she thinks it over, unaware of the person taking the seat across from her.
"Angie?" A voice asks her, scaring her out of her reverie, propelling her three feet in the air.
She catches her breath, eyes wide in shock as the boy sits across from her. "Jesus Christ, James! What the hell do you think you're doing, scaring the crap out of someone this early in the morning?!" She demands of him.
"I'm sorry about that but I really need to talk to you." He apologizes.
"Okay. What about?"
"About Sirius and your reaction to what he said to you yesterday morning."
"Oh," she sighs, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Well, I'd like to know you're side of it. Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?"
"Go for the kill, why don't you?" She says, buying herself some time. Why did she lock herself in the bathroom anyway? "I, well, you need to understand, James, that I had feelings for him ever since… For a very long time. You see, watching him go out with girl after girl, hearing about how he thought each and everyone of them were 'the one' was torture but I stuck through it. Sure, I wondered when my turn was, when I would have my chance to have him, convince him that I was the one for him. Eventually, I steeled myself up from it. I tried to distract myself from thinking about him in that way because the general rule happens to be 'don't date your best friend' and he, of course has been my best friend since forever. I know doing that to him on his birthday was the worst thing I could have ever done to him but telling him, 'Oh… Well, that's too bad because ever since New Years Day, I decided that I could never be more than just friends with you.' Wouldn't that make me even worse of a person? So I locked myself in the bathroom, wondering why fate and time had to be so cruel to me, wondering why he couldn't have realized this sooner." As an afterthought, she pleads, "Please, don't tell anyone I said that, especially not Sirius."
James nods and then replies, "Actually, Sirius knew he had feelings for you ever since the beginning of the school year." James stated, only to realize his mistake. "I probably shouldn't have been the one to have told you that."
"Why couldn't he tell me sooner?" She wondered aloud.
"Why didn't you tell him at all?"
She thought about his question. Sirius' reasons were probably the same as her own. "I didn't want to wreck our friendship; I didn't want to make things awkward. I didn't know if he returned my feelings, I didn't know how he would react to it. I- Oh God, I've been so selfish!" She breaks down, but not enough to cry in front of James.
"It's ok, Angie. Just tell him. Tell him what you told me." He tries to comfort her.
"I can't, James. We're not meant for more than friendship; at least, not now anyway."
He sighs; he cannot believe she is going to put his best friend and herself through the misery of remaining friends. The tension between the pair is so painfully obvious and thick that he could slice it with a knife and serve it to the entire population of the school with enough for leftovers. "Angie, I'd tell you that it's your decision, that's it's your business except it's not just about you, you know?"
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Angie returns to the Gryffindor Tower after breakfast, ready and determined to march up the stairs to the dormitories, the boys' dormitories. She is determined that she will find Sirius there, possibly moping on his bed, cursing himself for telling her. She is determined to tell him everything.
She did not, however, foresee that Sirius would be in the shower and would, instead, find Peter sitting on his bed, poised to talk to her.
"Excellent. You've saved me the trouble of looking for you, Angie." He says to her in a manner that reminds her of a serial killer or a vampire.
"Um, okay…" She stammers, unsure of what he will say to her.
"I know that you're a girl and girls today like to toy with a man's heart: roll it between their hands, squeeze it, pinch it, abuse it. I know that you know he has feelings for you, that we've all listened to him bitch and moan about you and the problems he faced while trying to keep it from you. You have no idea how pathetic it was to listen to him. I mean, yeah, you are his best friend and all but I always thought he'd have more courage than to put it off since the beginning of the school year. Judging from your reaction to his telling you yesterday, I can't say I blame him anymore for wanting to keep it a secret, for not telling you all this time. Sure, listening to him was hell but at least he wasn't miserable, without hope and lacking any moral strength. His emotions weren't damaged to the point where he couldn't do anything but think that he had fucked up everything, think that you didn't feel the same for him, think that he had even lost you as a friend. But you wouldn't be here if that were true, would you?"
"No. No, I wouldn't. If I were repulsed with him, I wouldn't be here after being ambushed by James in the Great Hall over breakfast, listening to you after you trapped me into hearing you attack my gender."
The sound of the bathroom door opening signals for Peter to leave the room before Sirius had the chance to see him. His chest wet from several water droplets dripping from his hair, the lower half of his body covered by a white towel, Sirius steps into the dormitory, toweling his hair dry, believing it to be empty. The sight of his best friend, the one to whom he had professed his feelings for, catches him off guard. "Angie? What're you doing here?" He looks about the room for something to cover himself with frantically, not wanting her to believe him a pervert. He already believes that she does not return his sentiments.
"Don't worry about it, Sirius. It's my fault for being here. If you want, I could step outside while you get dressed," she offers.
"Uh, at least until I get some pants on, if you don't mind," he blushes sheepishly.
"No problem." Angie steps outside his door and waits, listening to him scuttle about the room hastily in search of clean clothes without making her wait too long. Less than thirty seconds later, the door opens to her again as Sirius ushers her in.
"So, what brings you up here?" He asks her as he leads her over to his bed to have a seat.
"You. I want to talk to you about yesterday morning." She is thankful that her voice has not failed her.
"Oh. Uh, about that, I-"
"No, stop. I don't need you to apologize to me about everything that you said. If anything, it's me who should apologize. My behavior was unacceptable and you deserve a lot better than that, especially on your birthday. I'm really sorry."
"Do you know what could make me feel better about it?" He asks her as a devilish grin makes its way onto his face.
She sighs before saying, "Sirius, that's what I came her to say. I can't. I can't be anything more than just friends with you," his grin falling from his face prompts her to add, "At least, not now anyway. You just turned seventeen. You have your whole life ahead of you! You're too young to be with anyone you might think is the one for you forever. I mean, you should be 'playing the field' instead. At this age I can't see you settling down with anyone. I mean, I don't want to ruin us, our friendship, over a fling."
He sighs and bites back the stinging in his eyes and the slower palpitations of his heart. He tries to look at the silver lining around it all: she said 'not now', not 'never'. He takes a deep breath and allows himself to recollect himself to say something. "Okay. I'll respect your wishes. I can't say that I'm pleased with your reasoning but I'll wait for you. I'll wait for as long as you make me. I'll wait until you can believe that I don't want or need anyone else but you."
Angie exhales violently, unable to understand why it feels like her heart is cracking in two, but a warmth is spreading over her body. She does not know why he is still so sweet while she puts him on hold. She looks at him, unable to say anything and thus simply nods her head.
"So, would a hug be too much to ask for now?" He asks her, "I mean, you did make me miserable on my birthday…"
She looks at him and wonders how he still manages to smile at her. Had their situation been reversed, she would have been too disappointed to look at him straight, too distraught for words, too upset to want to be around him for a while. But he is not her. She smiles at him, "Of course."
Standing secure in each other's arms, she feels the familiar tingle of safety ebb over her, the prickle of doubt in the back o her mind. "So, we're still friends, right?" He asks her, eyes focused on the top of her, waiting for her to look up at him.
"As long as you still want me to be."
"Well, I think I told you that I don't but if it's all you can give me, I will gladly accept it."
Always, the dark and sinister cloud has a silver lining. It's unavoidable. Whether the silver is bright and shiny or dark and tarnished is a different matter. If the lining is bright and shiny, rejoice for the benefit of your efforts is laid upon you now. If the lining is dark and tarnished, do not despair for, with a little effort, your bounty will be bestowed upon you, a most precious treasure.
With a little bit of work and patience, Sirius resolves, he will get her. He will wait until the end of time to have her if he must… That is not to say that a little sooner would not be welcomed.
A/N: So there you have it. It was anti-climatic, I know. Oh well. As long as that's written, all the better, I suppose. Someone told me that I crossed the line with all the tension and I suppose I have. Bare in mind though, I never said there won't be any tension. If you think there's too much, I apologize and I invite you to discontinue reading this story. Honestly, I don't write solely for you, the reader; I write for myself. I mean, I guess that's the secret to sticking by your story: the ability to entertain yourself because if you don't think it is, who will/rant
Anyway, I hope you found entertaining and not too much of a filler chapter. I promise, they will end up together eventually, k? Please review!