Wherever I May Roam
Disclaimer: own nothing, mayhap in another world, but not in this one, say thankya.
Summary: Xander makes a sacrifice, and we all know that on the Hellmouth, no good deed goes unpunished.
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A light bulb turns on in a room, blanketing it in light, and yet the room remains in black and white. The room is sparsely decorated, with only a wood chair and a desk and several posters up, one a moving poster with flames moving inside it, the other a poster of a picture of Xander, Buffy, and Willow on it. The desk held a CD player, with Metallica's Unforgiven playing softly. Alongside it was a cracked mirror, and a photo of Xander with his mother and father glued to it, a broken bottle of liquor, a busted guitar, and a wooden stake that had splintered.
Xander walks up to the mirror, taking a good look into it. His face is not the only face there, as the face of his father stares back from inside his own face. Sighing, Xander turns forward.
"Less than a week ago, I was in Hell," he says, "Not as in I was in a bad place, but the legitimate fucking Hell. I was tortured…for…well, even I can't say how long."
Xander sighs and turns to a window, looking out at the desert thru bars.
"It wasn't always this way," he says, "I used to have friends, a family, as shitty of one as it was. But that was then…now, I have Giles, my mentor, and I've made new friends, like Dave, Amy, and Elliot. Even Flagg, that Messianic son of a bitch," he cracks a smile at that one, "But, and even though I'm grateful for their friendship, here's the kicker…whenever I touch a cross, a bible, anything…it burns."
He sighs for a moment, looking down at the floor, then suddenly lashes out and punches the window, breaking the glass and denting the bars.
"I WAS RELEASED," he shouts at the top of his lungs, "I WAS FUCKING RELEASED…and…Hell came with me."
He walks away from the window, taking the broken bottle from the desk as he does so, and sits down in his chair, taking a drink from it as he does so.
"When I die," Xander says, "God won't let me into Heaven. I'm going back there…I was given this…reprieve…as a form of torture. It's the only thing that I can come up with."
Xander sighs and stares into the bottle, then over into the broken mirror, into his father's face…then tosses the bottle in a fit of anger into the mirror, but neither the mirror nor the bottle break any further.
"…Our Father, who art a shithead," Xander mutters to himself, staring out into the desert as he does so, "Hollow is Thy head, Thy sucketh ass, Thy art full'a crap, crapping on both Heaven and Earth, give us a break You lazy shit, and hope for FUCK's sake that we forgive you for abandoning us, lead Yourself the Hell away from us, and deliver us from You, for Thou art a lowly shit, the dumbass, and the ultra fuck-up, forever and ever…Amen."
He stares out into the desert, softly crying to himself. Outside, in the desert heat, a cliff can be seen several miles away…the place where Xander plans to end it all.
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Dave ran into his brother's shop as fast as his legs could carry him, with Amy and Giles several steps behind him. As he ran in, he saw a pair of legs sticking out from underneath a Hummer.
"Tommy," Dave shouted, "Where's Titus?"
"Ugh, in the back with Erin," Tommy said, coming out from beneath the vehicle as he did so, "What's up?"
"We need a car, something to go into the desert," Amy explained.
"Well, we have a Jeep that you can use," Tommy said, getting up from underneath the vehicle as he did so, "Lemme go get you the request form and you can be on your way in an hour."
"Young man, we don't have an hour," Giles interrupted, staring directly into Tommy's eyes as he did so, "A man's life depends on us getting to him, now you will lead us to this vehicle at once!"
"Sure," Tommy said, thrusting the paper at him, "AFTER you fill out the forms."
Giles stared at him for a moment before simply lunging out with a hard right, knocking Tommy down to the ground. Giles would have kicked him, but Elliot came up behind him and grabbed his arm to keep him from moving.
"Damn it, Mr. Giles," Elliot reprimanded him, "We are wasting our time!"
"What the Hell is going on in here," the group turned as a new voice joined them, "Christopher is trying to sleep!"
"Erin," Dave greeted his blonde sister-in-law, "We need that Jeep that you have, like now!"
"Well, was it worth beating the crap outta Tommy," Erin demanded, pissed about the seemingly senseless violence.
"Aunt Erin," Amy said, "Tommy wants us to fill out a request form while our friend Xander is out in the desert, he's trying to kill himself!"
Erin stared at her for a moment before wordlessly walking over to the work desk and pulling open a drawer, fishing out a set of keys for them. As she walked back, she kicked Tommy in the back, letting him know her displeasure with him.
"Here," Erin said, handing Dave the keys, "Go! Save him! And while you're gone, I'll teach Tommy that human life is more important than forms."
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Flagg strummed the handles on the ATV lightly as they waited on them, with Elliot sitting nearby, throwing him cautious looks of both awe and curiosity.
"It's ok, darlin'," Flagg said with a grin, "I know I'm gorgeous, but there's really no reason to keep on turnin' away from me. I ain't that cute."
Elliot gave him a chuckle, then immediately appeared depressed with herself for doing so.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't even be thinking of this, what with Xander being somewhere out there, planning on killing himself. It's just…you're the Messiah."
"That's what they call me," Flagg acknowledged.
The physician seemed as though she had more to ask, but Flagg was not interested in what she had to say. He was merely happy that she had finally quit annoying him.
Ka was starting to piss him off. He could feel, literally feel that Xander had something important to do with this whole thing. What role he had to play, however, Flagg had no knowledge of. All he knew was that Xander was needed, by not only his building side but also by the humans.
Destiny aside, Flagg also found himself rather fond of the man. To him, Xander was something of a kindred spirit, a man lost in time, place, and position. Unlike Xander, however, Flagg had the ambition and the desire for more, whereas all Xander wanted was to find his place after his return from Hell…though at the moment it was quite apparent that Hell awaited him should he succeed in taking his own life.
To a degree, Flagg could understand where the man was coming from. To leave Hell all of a sudden…there had to be a bit of unrealness to it, disbelief for the entire possibility…so for him to suddenly discover that Hell had tampered with him, he recognized just how damaging it could be.
But, still, Flagg found that pretty ungrateful. He'd saved his life, and the bastard just wanted to throw that in his face. Flagg had a good mind to kill Xander himself for that, but he was smarter than that.
He turned his thoughts from such things as a Jeep containing the two potheads and the Watcher drove up, each of them with worry written on their faces.
"Alright, Flagg," Dave, the driver, demanded, "Which way?"
"Take the wheel, dear," Flagg said, "Head west! Follow us!!"
"We need to go fast," Amy objected, "Why don't you just pile in with us?"
"Too dangerous, we need more room in case Xander's injured when we find him," Flagg said, "Besides, if something happens on the way we need another vehicle to go back and get help. Now let's go!"
Flagg swore to himself that he would not kill Xander when they found him. As it was, he hoped the man was alive when they found him…but there would be water if the Gods willed it.
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"Hmm," Metatron muttered to himself, reading from a file as he did so.
"What is it," he turned his attention to Rufus, the 13th Apostle of Christ, as he came up to him.
"I imagine you've heard of the business that Ms Chase involved herself with," Metatron asked casually.
"Yeah, that shit goin' on in that world where that douche Adam is wagin' war," Rufus said, "It's all the talk in Heaven. Still doesn't answer my question."
"Well, you know how Raven's down there," Metatron said, "The Daughter of Trigon? Well, when she appeared, I first believed based upon what I knew of that world that she was the only comic book character down there. In point of fact, I was wrong. I'd misread the file."
"Lemme see," Rufus asked, and Metatron handed it over, "…Woo, boy. I can see why you'd make that mistake, these guys don't even have powers, they're regular Joes in this world, not comic book characters."
"Exactly," Metatron said with a small smile, taking the file back as he did so, "Imagine the harm it could do if certain individuals were inserted to the mix."
"Castiglione would be good for either side, though ultimately destructive," Rufus said with a frown, "Logan…well, that could go either good or bad for both sides. But I doubt anything will happen, all things considered. Logan's on the other side of the country, and Castiglione and his family are fairly safe in New Mexico, even though Castiglione is still in Special Forces."
"I'm sure She has some ideas on how to get this in order," Metatron said.
"I thought God said," Rufus wondered, but Metatron interrupted him.
"God did say for us to do no more, however, He never said that He would not do something. The natural progression of a world is ALWAYS influenced by God, so She can't do anything to not affect it."
Rufus chuckled and said, "Wonderful. I'll give Her this, She knows how to work the system."
"How could She not," Metatron said as he closed the file, "She made it."
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Flagg drove silently, with his eyes closed as he focused in. He could feel him…he was near, but not quite near enough towards where he could pinpoint his exact location.
"We've been driving for almost an hour now," he heard Elliot shout over the roar of the wind, "We need to find him soon, we have no idea what condition he's in."
"He's alive," Flagg shouted back, "I can feel him. I just can't tell exactly where he is."
Just a little more…a little more…there!
His eyes lit up a bright red for a moment as he found his…friend.
"Listen to me," Flagg shouted, "I know where he is. I'm going to send you a vision in a moment, then I'm going to teleport to him."
"Alright," Elliot said with a bit of uncertainty, as she had no idea how to handle a vision.
"Here it comes," Flagg warned, then he closed his eyes.
At first, Elliot felt nothing, then she had a moment in which she could feel the pressure on her head, not too dissimilar from a headache, then the full force of the vision hit her. She saw images, some of Xander standing in the desert, others of the directions she needed to take in order to get there. As the images assaulted her mind, she could feel something else snake into her…something…dark.
"Are you alright," Flagg shouted.
"…yea," Elliot said quietly, clutching her head in pain.
"Alright," Flagg said, "Get ready to take over!"
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Xander sat on a large stone, staring into the setting sun as he turned his thoughts away from the large hill in front of him. He could not believe that his life had come to this…brought into a cruel world where none loved him, sent to a crueler world where everyone loved to torture him, then brought to this world…where his friends were either dead or on the brink of death.
Heaven was not with him, he knew this as he pulled out his cross once more, blinking at the pain that hit him. He growled out in anger and tossed it away, and the irony of this action was not lost on him. He knew that Hell awaited him, whether or not he chose to end it himself. So, rather than commit himself to a fight that he knew would ultimately lead to the end which he longed to escape, he would spare himself the pain and end it on his own terms.
Sighing to himself, he decided to get underway so that he could end it before the sun completely set. The last sight he wanted to rest on his eyes upon was the sun.
"Well," he jumped up in surprise as he heard the unwanted voice, "What're you doing here, son?"
Xander sighed to himself, knowing that it simply couldn't have been as easy as he'd wanted it to be. He turned around and saw his…friend, dressed in his usual jeans outfit with razor sharp cowboy boots.
"Randy," Xander said in frustration as Flagg casually walked up to him, "What're you doin55f5fdrfrtt55ttt5g here?"
"I asked you first," Flagg said with a grin, then he held his hands up, "Wait, don't tell me…you musta got the damn fool idea in your head to go and kill yourself."
"…I'm going to Hell, Flagg," Xander said to him with an eerie certainty, "Whether it's now or later, I'm going back…and there's nothing either you or I can do about it."
Flagg sighed and shook his head, sitting down upon a rock as he did so, picking up a rock and idly twiddling it with his fingers.
"So you know this, do you," Flagg asked, curiosity in his voice.
"It's the only thing that makes sense," Xander explained, "Vampires go to Hell when they get staked, or at least I hope they do."
"But you're human," Flagg reminded him.
"Am I," Xander asked, "I came back from Hell, and no one ever has before…Christ only knows what I am today."
"I do," Flagg said with a grin, "And it ain't a demon."
"Just cause you're the 'Messiah,'" Xander spat at him, "Doesn't mean you know shit!"
Flagg sighed, recognizing that he was fighting a truly uphill battle. Xander was angry, he was in denial about his returning from Hell, and he was depressed because of the pain, both physical and mental, that came from holiness rejecting him. He was lashing out, at himself, at everything…and Flagg honestly did not know whether or not he could save him.
"Xander," Flagg stood and faced him, for the first time really showing him the honesty of Randall Flagg, "I've seen many things…I've seen war, famine, disease, I've seen a world come to an end and I've seen a world begin, I've killed and I've resurrected…but never in all my years have I seen a man come back from Hell. Why are you so quick to deny the gift of life in favor of certain damnation?"
Xander stared at him, legitimately choked up with emotion from the sheer…honesty of Flagg's word. For the first time, Xander was questioning himself, questioning why on Earth he would do what he was doing when it went against everything he was…when the sudden realization came to him.
Because everything he did, every good deed, every bit of faith he put in anything…would lead him back to his Hell, no matter what. To know that life held no meaning, with only one path at the end of the road…
"No fate but what we make," Xander whispered to himself, "Unless that fate has been chained…"
"What," Flagg asked.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to know that you have no control over your destiny," Xander asked Flagg, "Hell…the sadness, the helplessness, the sheer…depth of it all…it's too much, Randall."
Flagg saw what he meant, and finally, he knew that he truly was unable to help him.
"Xander," Flagg beseeched him, a truly unique experience for him, "Ka wants you here, the Wheel of Ka brought you to this place for a reason!"
"The Wheel of Ka," Xander muttered, he was somehow familiar with the phrase…it was an ancient word for 'destiny,' "Ka can kiss my ass!"
Flagg, frustrated with both himself for following Ka and with Xander for failing to do the same, lashed out with a furious blow to Xander's temple. Xander flew thru the air, landing twenty feet away and rolling several feet further, blood pouring from his forehead.
"…oh, Jesus," Flagg muttered to himself, and he ran as quickly as he could over to Xander.
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Xander's space…
Xander looks around his room for a long moment, thinking to himself. He felt sore…and his head hurt. He turns his head and looks out the window, seeing the desert as it lit on fire. He stares out for a long moment, till he begins to look around, feeling something…something good. He doesn't know how he knows it's good, but he knows with all his heart that it is the purest good ever.
He turns his gaze over to the doorway as a white light shines underneath it. He gets up from his seat and walks cautiously over to the doorway, strangely saddened and comforted by its glowing presence. He stares at it for a long moment, then reaches forward with the intent of opening it, but as his hand touches the handle, he feels a pulsing heat from it and he retracts his hand. He stares down at the burn for a moment, then returns his gaze to the door.
The white light pulsed, as though it was beckoning him to come forward. He felt the pull of it…
He glares at it for a long moment, then reaches out and grasps the handle. At first, it won't turn for him, but even as it burns him, he slowly turns it. Finally, he hears the lock unclick and he pulls as hard as he can.
The door comes open…and he looks inside…and there…he sees Her…
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Elliot stared down at him with a mournful look in her eyes. She looked down at his chart for the hundredth time, noting that he had multiple lacerations that had seemed to heal overnight. He was in perfectly good health as far as his body was concerned…but that wasn't what she was worried about.
It was a strange sight to her, seeing him bound to his bed for fear that he might hurt himself. Even though she had only known him for a short time, she found herself to be affected by him…there was pain there, and a hardness in him that she knew to be in soldiers and survivors…but there was a softness there that she knew few possessed, especially in these times…Carla had had it…Turk had had it…J.D. had had it.
That softness was dying…and she knew that very soon it would be wiped out…at least until the next generation. For some reason, though, she knew his softness would not die…if it had survived Hell, then it could survive the war.
Suddenly, he took a deep breath and his eyes began to flutter as he slowly started to awaken. She stared at him for a moment, smiling at the fact that he was awake, before frowning as she realized what her duty was. She reached into the desk and withdrew a syringe filled with tranquilizer.
Xander blinked his eyes for a long moment, then slowly turned his gaze onto her.
"How're you feeling," she asked him with a small smile, "Flagg had to knock you around to keep you from killing yourself."
Xander stared at her for a moment, trying to think of what she was talking about. All he could remember was going out to the desert, then…the light.
"I feel," he thought for a moment, "Good…blessed, even."
"Blessed," Elliot asked, confused, "But…you were all…suicidal earlier…not that I'm complaining, but…"
"Yeah, I get it," Xander said, staring up at her for a moment before turning up to the ceiling, "Still…it's not every day one meets God."