Chapter 12 - The Battle Begins

Back in Quahog, three hours later at the Griffin house, it was getting close to Meg and Chris' bedtime when there was a knock on the door. Lois opened it, only to be surprised and shocked.

"Oh, my God," she gasped. "Dianne Simmons. Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Well, yes, Lois," Dianne replied. "But not as dead as you're about to be."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lois asked, confused.

Dianne pulled out her pistol, aiming it at a then-horrified Lois.

"Oh, my God," Lois gulped.

"Yes, Lois," Dianne replied. "Right after this young baby resurrected me," she continued, presenting Bertram to Lois, "I...let's just say I had some time killing my murderer as revenge, right before we raced here to kill you as well."

"But," Lois began, "who killed you?"

"Your youngest child, Stewart Gilligan Griffin."

Lois dropped her jaw in horror, and the rest of the family gasped in sadness.

"You... You killed Stewie?" Lois shuddered.

"That's right, Lois. And there's more you should know. He was no ordinary baby; he was a diabolical genius bent on world domination. And he had intentions on killing you, just like Bertram and I have."

"Oh, my God," Lois feared. "All these months, I should have paid attention to what Stewie had been saying. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with him?"

"Bravo, Lois," Bertram clapped. "The last horse finally crosses the finish line. Now Stewie's plans to become future emperor of the world will belong to me and my now-resurrected servant. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Finish her off, Dianne!"

"With pleasure," Dianne replied, about to pull the trigger.

Lois feared the worst as she gasped.

"Hey, Dianne!"

Stewie's voice got the killer anchorwoman's attention. The baby in question, along with Vinny, Sheridan, Olivia, New Brian, Anna, Bella, Janet and Jonathan, were behind her.

"If anybody's gonna take that bitch down," Stewie declared, "it's gonna be me."

"You," Dianne growled. "I thought I killed you."

"Yeah," Bertram added, "me, too."

"Well, it looks like you didn't, Dianne," Vinny replied, "thanks to the lifesaver pill James Woods stole from Bertram's lab."

"He did what?!" Bertram shouted. "That fool will pay dearly for this!"

"James Woods?" Peter repeated. "Ain't he supposed to be dead, too? We all saw him die at Rocky Point!"

"Well, he was resurrected the next day, by scientists, due to him being a celebrity," New Brian answered.

"New Brian?" Lois gasped, surprised. "I thought you committed suicide. You left your suicide note and everything."

"Actually," New Brian began, "I faked my death to find a girl dog and raise a family of my own."

"Nice work, New Brian," Stewie thought, smiling. "You're living a lie, just like I expected."

During the Taurus ride back to the Griffin house, Stewie had a chat with New Brian; sort of like a little white lie.

"I don't know what happened, Stewie," New Brian shrugged. "Last thing I remember was having that karaoke night with your family. The rest is all a blur."

"Very well," Stewie sighed. "You faked your suicide so you could find a mate and raise a family, sometime before you and your daughters were captured and raised to fight in a dog-fighting ring."

New Brian gasped. "Really?"

"Yeah," Stewie lied. "So, if anyone says that they think you committed suicide, just tell them that you faked your suicide to start a family."

Back to the present.

"Anyway," New Brian continued, "I see you've already met my daughter, Sheridan. She and I have just reunited, along with Anna and Bella."

"Hi," Anna and Bella greeted the Griffins.

"She had also informed me," New Brian continued, "about her boyfriend, Vinny, finding her. I think he'd make a great son-in-law if wedding bells are ringing."

"Don't count your blessings just yet, New Brian," Vinny replied. "It ain't time for proposal yet."

"Will anyone shut the **** up so I can kill Lois already?!" Dianne shouted.

"You ain't gonna kill Lois, Dianne," Vinny pointed in disagreement, "and we're gonna make sure of that." He then turned to Sheridan. "Sheridan, you, your sisters, Olivia and Janet take care of Dianne. We're gonna handle Bertram."

"But Vinny," Sheridan replied.

"It's just as you said before, Sheridan," Vinny reminded, hugging her. "People always do crazy things when they're in love."

And just like that, a double battle-Girls vs. Dianne and Boys vs. Bertram-had begun in the Griffins' backyard, for the fate of the family.

Author's Note: The part where Lois worried about her smoking pot during her pregnancy with Stewie, and Bertram's quote about Stewie's being future emperor of the world, are from Season 2's "Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington". Stewie's declaration about taking Lois down personally is from the Season 9 premiere, "And Then There Were Fewer", which VBG adapted into "Dinner and Murder". It's a shame that she didn't adapt "Tom Tucker, the Man and His Dream", or the Griffins wouldn't have found out about James Woods' resurrection.