The meeting, or: Fancy a short trip?

Stella was as excited as him, Patrick noticed smilingly. She nervously fiddled with her fingers and her legs kept shuffling on the grey linoleum floor of the waiting area outside of the District Office of Health.

Thanks to his acquaintance with the Officer for Health, Patrick had been able to secure the appointment and even though he knew he would not be able to change things, being here now, suddenly meant a lot to him, it was his last chance to underline the importance of one of the most important parts of his life.

When he was called in, just before he closed the door behind him, Patrick turned towards Stella, reassuring himself by taking in her radiant smile, encouraging him to do his best.

Inside, Patrick felt a remarkable strength. No only was he able to present all relevant the statistics and reports about the maternity home, showing what an extraordinary service they had been providing for all the years of its existence. Moreover, he knew Stella was outside, waiting for him, with her warm smile and sharing his anxiousness.

When he came out of the office, he had to restrain himself almost violently to not embrace Stella. As much as he felt the need to, he was aware of how very improper this would have been, embracing his receptionist in a public space. Yet, he could not stop himself from taking her hand and suqeezing it tightly, though, smiling a relieved smile at her, his veins still full of adrenaline.

"How did it go?" Stella asked curiously.

"As expected. I was able to state my case again and basically everyone was convinced that I was right but since they were only executing a policy ordered by the Ministry of Health, they were sorry to not be able to help us. David said he is going to bring our case to the Minister of Health again as we are not the only Maternity Home. But he was not able to give us much hope."

Stella sighed compassionately. "I am sorry, Patrick. I was hoping and praying they would tell you otherwise."

Patrick smiled at her, remembering he was still holding her hand. He let go of it and said quietly: "It is still early, would you join me for a short trip?"

Stella's expression turned to surprise. "Where to?" she asked.

Patrick cocked his head and said: "Just come along, I am going to show you something."

Stella followed him outside where they got into Patrick's car and he drove off.

"Are we going to Epping Forest?" Stella asked after they had been driving in silence for about fifteen minutes. When Patrick nodded, she said in a concerned voice: "Patrick, we are not going to make it back in time. It is already past ten o'clock, you still have patients to see later this morning."

Patrick took a deep breath and responded: "You are right. But I need a moment by myself. Nurse Franklin is in charge of the Maternity Home this morning, I am certain she will manage. I am going to stop at the next telephone box and tell her to cancel surgery this morning because something has come up. If this calms you?"

Stella pursed her lips and remained silent. She was clearly torn between curiosity and her unease to neglect their duties at the surgery on a regular weekday.

Half an hour later, Patrick pulled up near a narrow path leading into a patch of forest. He got out of the car, walked around the boot and opened Stella's door.

"This is a lovely spot. And it feels so extravagant to come here on a Wednesday morning," Stella said after she had gotten out and was looking around. It was a sunny morning, spring was in full bloom. A light breeze rustled the leaves and somewhere not far, a brook gurgled.

"Come with me," Patrick said, taking Stella's hand. He directed them into the path where, after a few minutes of walking they reached a spot overseeing a small valley with meadows and a few bushes. Birds where chiming all around them and the grass was dotted with white and yellow flowers.

"This is one of my favourite spots," he said, putting his arms around Stella's shoulders. "Sadly, I am coming here far too rarely," Patrick sighed and Stella rested her head against his right shoulder, breathing in deeply. "I love it, too," she murmured. "The air is lovely, and the silence -," she took in a deep breath, "I have forgotten how it feels to be out of the city for a change."

The couple remained still for a long moment, revelling in comfort each other's presence brought them. Then Patrick turned slightly, carefully stroked Stella's cheeks and began kissing her slowly. Stella immediately responded and the two carried on for a few minutes. Eventually, Stella pulled back.

She blinked and breathed heavily. Then she took Patrick's left hand into both of her own and held it tight while she spoke: "I told you a while ago that I never want to come between you and your wife. But as it is now, I am afraid this is exactly what is happening at the moment and I don't think this is good for either of us."

A single tear fell out of her left eye and Patrick, very slowly, hardly visible, began shaking his head. He lifted his right hand and wiped away the tear with his index finger. Then he cupped her cheek with his left hand, carefully stroking it with his thumb.

"Yes, I can see what you mean," he said quietly. "But I need you to know that I am serious. I do not want to play games, and I do not want to be dishonest with anyone. I do not want to hurt anyone either. What is between us, it is, … it has grown so carefully, and tenderly, and with Shelagh being so distant and away, you are the reason I am able to carry on at the moment."

Stella squeezed his hand yet more tightly. "I know, Patrick, I know. But this is not right. You are a married man. You have young children who need their father. You are holding a respectable position in your community. And so do I, for that matter. We can't risk all of this. Also, if it wasn't for your wife being away so frequently, you would probably never have come to notice me they way you did."

"No, Stella. Please don't say this," Patrick said beggingly.

Stella smiled a sad smile. "It is the truth, Patrick. Yes, we do love each other and I know we both are sincere and honest with our feelings towards each other. But everything that I am doing right now, every day, supporting you when you have a difficult meeting, giving you comfort when you are hurting, all of this is really the task of a wife. And as good as it feels to be with you, I can never get rid of the little voice in my head telling me that it is wrong what we are doing."

"Stella, you are the best friend I have had in a very long time," Patrick began, but Stella interrupted him, her voice shaking: "Yes, and you are the best friend I have had in a long time. But this does not make it right. We are not just friends anymore. We are constantly crossing a line that we are not supposed to go even near," she said and another tear rolled down her cheek.

Patrick hugged her tightly again and held her while she sobbed silently. He, too, felt almost moved to tears. How could something that felt so right be so very wrong? He, of all people, should know, he who once had fallen in love with a nun. Of course, Stella was right. He needed to sort things out with Shelagh, rather than seek comfort with Stella. But he had been trying to talk to Shelagh for half a year now and she never understood or accepted what he wanted to tell her.

When he was with Stella, he did not need to feel the need to be with his wife. He was simply happy being with Stella. But then, Shelagh was his wife and after all they had been through, he would never consider having things differently. They had a family and a once happy home. They could make it happy again. They all needed and deserved to be happy again.

He was shaken out of his thoughts by Stella stirring in his arms and wiggling herself out of his embrace. He watched her walking a few steps away, until she stopped, dried her face with her palms and silently looked over the little valley in front of them for a while. Then, without looking back at him, she slowly began to speak: "Patrick, I think it is best I hand in my notice today. I have offered it before but right now I mean it. It always felt so good to be working alongside you. To be with you. But I feel that we are within dangerous territory now and I can't risk we both damage our reputation. It is not so much for me, but for the sake of our children. None of them deserves this. And neither does your wife."

Patrick nodded slowly. Of course, Stella was right. She was always right. He had the definite knack to fall for women who were excellent judges of life, he thought bitterly. Being with Marianne, his first wife, he had come to understand why wives were said to be a couple's better half. With Shelagh even more so, and Stella, too, had always been a necessary corrective to his sometimes absent-mindedness, his weakness.

Now Stella turned around to face him again. "I know what you are thinking. It is fairly easy, your face tells a lot, even if you probably think it does not," she said, smiling a small, sad smile. "You are feeling sorry for yourself because you really would like to keep things how they are. Have your family at home and not having to confront your wife because there is me comforting you and listening whenever you need someone. And who is giving you the intimate attention and kissing and touching that you are lacking in your marriage at present."

"Stella!" Patrick exclaimed, but she interrupted him: "Please, be honest with yourself and face things how they are. We have talked about this before, how there are things we are never going to do with each other. And don't tell me you are not thinking about them every now and then, for I do. And I have noticed how you are looking at me in those moments when you think that I don't notice."

Stella pursed her lips again, fighting back her tears. She paused for a while and said with a toneless voice: "Can you please take me home now, Patrick? I can't carry on like this any longer."

Patrick was not able to move. He stood still, only slightly shaking his head, until he said: "Please, Stella, don't leave me."

Stella frowned: "Leave you?" she exclaimed bitterly. "I am not leaving you because there is nothing for me to leave. It is you who must take care of either you not leaving your family or your wife leaving you when she finds out that we long have stopped being mere friends."

Patrick took a step towards Stella but she raised her hands. "No, not this time. This is your way of ending these talks, hugging or kissing me, making me forget that we said we would be careful. But we are getting careless, Patrick. Me going to the Board of Health with you this morning? We can't allow this to happen again. If anyone had come by us in that corridor when you came out of the office, the way you looked at me, Patrick, this was very inappropriate."

Stella blinked again and wiped the tears from her eyes using her fingertips.

"I am sorry," Patrick said. "I am sorry for having moved us into this dead end and if I could I would do whatever it took to get us out. But I do not know what we are supposed to do."

"Set things straight with your wife," Stella said in a low, almost whispering voice that had lost all power. "Can we please go now. You have your rounds and I, I just need to lie down for a while until Caroline comes home. She will notice that I am not well," Stella said, her voice getting firmer now.

Patrick swallowed and slowly walked back into the direction of his car. He suppressed his urge to extend his arm towards Stella. He had a strong desire to touch her, to feel her but she had made clear she did not want it right now.

The drive back to Poplar was silent, only occasionally interrupted by one of them clearing their throat or coughing. Stella occasionally blowing her nose, or wiping away a stray tear. Patrick felt almost physical pain at seeing her so devastated. He had fallen in love with her radiance and positive attitude, only to make it crumble with his actions.

He dropped her off in front of her house and left for the surgery, hoping Nurse Franklin might have done him the favour of putting together the list for his afternoon calls. If he was honest he felt like calling in sick, but then he would have to go home, watch the little ones. And he did not feel strong enough to do this just now. So he carried on, reminding himself that he had taken an oath and was responsible for his patients' welfare at all times.