CHAPTER 14 – Ghosts from the past and steps into future

Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, mid October 2014

- Doc, I think that she used to be an athlete or a dancer.

- Why, Danny?

- Her muscles are so strong and shaped.

- That's good, I think.

- Yes, she will be able to run in marathon, if she only wakes up.

- Not if, but when, ok?

- Yes, you are right. And when she wakes up, she will be able to do such things with her hot body … – He said dreamily.

- Come on, Danny … you are horrible.

- I'm just a man. And she is such a sexy bitch.

- Stop it!

- Ok, ok doc, why do you have to be so serious? Hmm?

- I'm not serious, but remember that she is our patient.

- Ok, I will behave myself.

When he ended, I was left with her alone. I had a lot of time, cause I was not working that day and I had visited cemetery in the morning. I was all hers. And she was all mine. I looked at her face, indeed she was such a beauty, I was dying to see all of her face – with eyes, then she would be breathtaking.

I turned on iPod and chose track, which perfectly matched for that afternoon.

… Night is young and the music's high
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine
You're in the mood for a dance
And when you get the chance...
You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen …

- You may be seventeen and you may be dancing queen, as Danny said. You look so young. But why nobody is looking for you? Could you explain it to me? Why Alice?

Today in the morning doctor Balder had received police report, which concluded that she was not listen on any missing people database. It was strange. I was feeling bad for her, but at the same time I felt relieved. I didn't know why.

- Danny was right. You have an amazing body, I haven't looked at you that way before, I have always looked at you as a doctor, searching for scars or awaiting some changes, some moves. But after he mentioned that, now I can see that you indeed have shaped body. Like a sculpture. You only have to wake up and put some live into that perfect form and maybe start dancing … alone, cause I'm a terrible dancer.

I sat down on the chair, next to her bed and opened book on the page on which I had paused yesterday. It was "Crime and Punishment" by Dostoevsky. Not easy lecture, but very addictive. I had found it few days ago in former Max's office and had not been able to resist it. The title was … it was just interesting and striking. I started today from page 56th and paused when I reached to 99th.

- I think it's enough for today. Do you like it Alice? I hope that is not too brutal for you.

I was looking at her very carefully, as if I was waiting for an answer, and suddenly I noticed something – it was like a little eyelid twitch. After that discovery I was staring at her for one and half hour, but nothing else happened.

- You tricked me Alice, just to get more attention and be sure that I check every inch of your body. You are shifty. I'm going now. Sweet dreams … and I'm not saying that sarcastically.

I walked out. I had mixed feelings, something between hope and disappointment, between delight and shame, maybe some excitement and impatience.

Thinking about her body and comparing it to mine, not that I was fat or something, but I had just fallen out of shape, I decided that finally I had to prepare some meal for myself and stop ordering fast foods or pizza. I drove to supermarket. I was running between rows of shelves, searching for pasta, spices … and then suddenly I stood rooted to the spot, not believing my own eyes. "No, it can't be true, it must be some strange hallucination. It can't be …" – but I wasn't able to end that sentence in my mind, cause she was already standing in front of my saying "Hi", definitely more times than one.

- Hello Susan, is that you? Cause you apparently has not recognized me or …

- I did recognize you of course, but I'm just tired, after long hours in hospit … – I paused, because I noticed that she wasn't standing in front of me alone, she was standing with some tall brunette, well dressed, pretty, feminine and they were holding hands, not in a "just-friends" way.

- I can imagine Sue. But anyway it is so nice to meet you after, how long is it, three? No almost four years now?

- Four, I guess. It's really nice, for me too. – I said without any emotions. I worked very hard to make it look that way.

- I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you to my girlfriend. Susan it's Angela Cassidy, Angela, it's Susan Willsburn, she was …

I interrupted her with amazing reflexes.

- I was wife of Lana's coworker. She was working with my husband as a layer, it was long ago. – I was so determined to do or say anything just to stopped her from finishing that sentence with word such as lover, girlfriend, mistress …

- Susan, Angela knows about you, about our relationship, I couldn't and didn't want to hide my past from her, so you don't have to pretend.

- I'm not pretending. I just … no matter. I have to go … go back to hospital.

- But didn't you say that you were tired after not before work?

- After or before, does it really matter? Lana, does anything matter, after all?

- How could we live if nothing really matters?

- I try and it's possible.

- Anyway, it was nice to see you. To know that you are … better now? – She asked about that with compassion and hope in her eyes and maybe, just maybe with a little sparkle of … love?

- Yes, I'm better. Much better. Because of work, it's the whole world to me and every day I thank God for letting me be a surgeon. – What a bullshit I was saying, she probably had not forgotten that I was an atheist, who had never mentioned word God.

- You are the best surgeon. The best doctor, I have ever met.

She smiled at me like … like she used to do years ago. I felt little shiver inside me, I had been missing her and her smile all the time, I had not realized that before but at that moment it hit me. But of course I couldn't and also didn't want to act on that feeling.

- It's so good to see you too, Lana. To see you happy and … you know.

- I know.

There was nothing more to say. We shared not so long, but very intense glance. It was a goodbye, the one that we had not been able to go through after accident.

That meeting between shelves with groceries was like sun after storm. Sometimes, even lately I had dreamed about her, recalling memories about our past. But every time it had happened it ended with comeback of my quilt. But that meeting, even if I acted as a panicked maniac, it gave me relief. I saw her, she was as gorgeous as ever, she was happy, she had new life, I realized that I had been missing her, but it felt good to say goodbye. It was like the final closing of that chapter of my life. And guilt didn't show up. I felt good about it.

Nothing came of my cooking, I was left with tomato salad and bread sticks. I accompanied that extraordinary meal with some wine and music in background.

… You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen …

I was hit by the vision of Alice and it brought smile on my face. I really had to be tired, cause I fell asleep on the couch and fell into some dream.

- Lana, baby where are you? – I was running through hospital, looking for her. I was terrified, something bad must have happened.

- I'm here, please come closer. – She was sitting on the floor in empty treatment room.

- What's wrong? – I asked carefully, taking her hand to measure the pulse.

- Now you are only a doctor, nothing more, so all I can ask for is measuring of pulse, maybe temperature?

- What are you talking about? Lana why?

- I see that in your eyes, I see that I'm no longer your baby …

- You are, you are my first …

- But evidently not last one?

I was confused, I didn't know what she was talking about.

- But I will be your last one, doc. – I didn't know that voice, but suddenly I saw that in the corner of the room, there was Alice coming out from the shadow. Now with eyes opened her face was stunning. She hypnotized me.

She came to me, looked at me so intense and took my hand. She guided me into dancing. With my head on her shoulder, I felt fast beating of her heart. We were moving in rhythm of some slowly version of Dancing Queen.

- Will you be my queen, Sue?

- First you have to explain me how did it happen? – Lana came between us.

- Nothing happened.

- Not yet, but I know that you want it … – Alice said that just before she kissed me gently.

I woke up. I hoped that dream was just last part of my goodbye with the past, but totally would have nothing to do with my future. I was sure that was caused by the fact, that lately I had been spending my whole time with her. I was so focused on her, that it was natural that I dreamt about her. It shouldn't bother me.

Next morning I woke up with one thing on my mind. I decided that I had to focus more on my own life. And first step to do that (yesterday it had been cooking, but I had failed), so now I wanted to go back to jogging. I used to exercise a lot, before accident, when I had been Max's wife, every possibility to go outside home at evenings, had been worth to take it. Before I had given birth to Lizzie, evenings at home had been like nightmares. Max had been doing his best to satisfy me, there had been dinners by candlelight, baths in the foam, romantic music, flowers, gifts, reading poetry … everything that other wife would have been thankful for. But I always had not been in the mood or had had a headache. Pushing him away had been hurtful, I had been feeling guilty, but on the other hand, I had been able to stand short sex with men, but it had been too much for me to enjoy, gentle, sensual love making with him. And definitely I hadn't been able to give him all that he had wanted and deserved. So I had been running away from him, but he had not gotten that signal and he had been pushing me, trying to seduce over and over again. Sometimes I had had to go along with that not to arouse suspicions, and after one of these not so pleasant nights, I had been pregnant. He had given me something that secretly I had been dreaming about, but had been too afraid to even realize that. Something I couldn't share with any woman.

From that morning I came back to jogging, I thought that at that moment it wasn't because of need to run away from somebody, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was the same script, different cast – and the main difference was that I wasn't running away from his desire but from my own. I didn't want to think about it. I put the headphones into my ears to dispel thoughts. Five miles for the first time after so long break was really good result, and was perfect to avoid muscle pain.

After I came back and took a shower, it was time to departure for work. As soon as I walked in and changed my clothes, Lindsay hurried into my office with report about patients. I could easily notice that she was nervous about something, but she didn't tell anything, just put papers on my desk and started waiting.

- Linds, you don't have to stay here until I read all of this, I will bring you recommendations to reception, I see that you are in a hurry.

- No, no … I have to stay here, cause I have to talk to you.

- Something's wrong?

- First, read papers, then I will tell, cause I will need all of your attention for that case.

- Hmm … Intriguing … Case? Medical case?

- I will tell you, but first work.

- So it's not about work?

- No. All your attention, ok.

- Ok, so first of all today I have planned surgery on Mrs. MacRony, it will be about 2 PM, so I will need report on her from 1.30 PM, and meeting with anesthesiologist at 1.45 PM, ok?

- Noted.

- There is one patient, hospitalized at night, in 30 minutes I need actual report from his morphology.

- Noted, Sue.

- That's all, and now I'm listening. After you tell me about your case, I will repeat once more what I need from you, I see that you are so focused on something that …

- It's a matter of health.

- I'm starting to worry Linds.

- It's a heart issue.

- I'm not a cardiologist. But I know great one.

- No, no. Not that kind of heart issue, but everything I tell you, it stays here as medical secrecy, ok?

- As long as you don't kill anybody, it's secret.

- It's more like emotional-heart issue …

- I'm even less prepared as psychologist than as a cardiologist, but it's top-secret. You know me, I'm not type of gossip girl.

- That's one of the reasons, why I come to you.

- So, what's up?

- Ooooo … It's hard. You know that after my divorce I was devastated. Maybe even more because the fact, which I realized, that my marriage was so far away from being good, not mentioning perfection. It was nothing like you and Max, I still remember like he used to come here with flowers or with picking basket for lunch, he wa …

- Stop it! If you want to talk about Max, even if you gonna tell me that you two had an affair or you were secretly in love with him, I'm not interested. I don't want to talk about my past.

- Oh my God. Susan. No! It's nothing like that. He was totally in love only with you, and I would never … – She noticed my facial expression and stopped immediately. – I'm sorry Sue, I just want to give you some introduction, I mean that I don't know how to tell, it's not so simple. So I will start once again. I mean that not every woman is happily enough to get perfect husband. And I definitely was wife of some asshole, and after divorce I realized that I have wasted too much time with him.

- I understand that. I saw your pain, even if I was deep inside in my own grief, I was able to notice people around me.

- So, it was hard time for me, I wanted to make up for lost years with dating too many men in too short time, and every one of them became another disappointment. Anyway to keep it shorter I will skip details. Details about these disappointments are not important at all.

- That's good. We have work to do. – I said that seriously but at the end smiled at her to show that I was ready to continue listening to her story.

- Anyway, last Friday I was in cinema, alone, cause I decided to focus more on myself.

I smiled again when she said that. It was good that I wasn't alone in my plans and resolutions.

- What? – She asked.

- I'm just … listening, continue.

- So I was in a longue, after movie, drinking some Vodka, and suddenly somebody sat next to me. We started talking, it was quite nice, interesting talk, we were on the same wavelength, you know, time passed quickly, one drink after another and out of nowhere we were in bed, making love if I could call it that way.

- You said that was health issue. Did you use a protection?

- No, I mean …

- No? – I was shocked as a doctor and her friend. It was so irresponsible.

- I mean, I didn't know how to use any protection cause it was … she was … a woman.

After so many years of hiding my sexual preferences I had learned how to react to mentioning about any subject connected with homosexuals. Without nervousness, fear, enthusiasm, disgust, just neutral, as if that topic was totally out of my interests.

- So Lindsay, are you afraid because of lack of protection?

- No, not really …

- So?

- I haven't thought about protection issue before, until you mentioned it. Anyway, I'm more concerned because I don't know what could it mean.

- That night? You were drunk, yes? So it doesn't mean you are a lesbian or bisexual.

- But I wasn't drunk enough not to remember all what happened and … I have to admit that with her I had one of the best sexes in my whole life, and adding that pleasant, interesting conversation in foyer to this … I'm fucking scared.

- Because? – I asked her but I knew the answer, which I said to myself: "I'm an asshole, I have been afraid of my preferences since forever and I'm asking her why, it's hypocrisy. Fear about luck of acceptance, banishment, being a part of minority …there is a long list of reasons to hide …"

- Susan, I'm just scared that when I call her she will say something like, it was one night stand, just experiment, I'm not interested.

- So you mean that you want to … – I was shocked. I was sure that she was rather afraid of being caught, or being a subject for gossips. Like I used to. She definitely surprised me.

- No, I mean … I don't know what I want, maybe I want to try but I don't want to get in troubles. And that's why I was so dying to talk to you. I need advice, do you think professionally, I mean as a doctor you know people's body, reactions, so do you think that after so many years with men, is it possible to be truly attracted to a woman or is it just a pathetic way to overreact to all disappointments?

- I can't help you. Cause I don't know that answer.

- Telling that aloud has helped already, to sort my thoughts.

- That's good. Anyway it's not a medical issue. Maybe everything is possible. I don't know. I think that you should listen to your heart and your body. Maybe Meet her, try to spend some time, not rush into something, just take time to realize what you want, what will be good for you.

- Susan.

- Yes?

- You helped me. I needed to hear exactly what you said.

- I just … try to tell you what I think about it. – It wasn't exactly true, definitely it was far away from truth. Maybe it was something I would want to think and do but had always been too afraid – to listen to my heart and body.

- I wish we talk that way more often, like we used to do before your lose. But I understand that you need your privacy after so big catastrophe.

- It's not a need of privacy, it's just a desire to go away from all these questions about my past, my lose, to run away from whispers about feeling sorry for me.

- So from now I will stop it. I will never mention anything about your past. And we will get our lady-talks on. I mean don't worry I'm not …

- I'm really not worried about it Lindsay, even if you realize that you are attracted to women, I will be happy to get you back as my friend.

It was true. The prospect of returning to our friendship pleased me. We used to talk a lot (it hadn't been heart-to heart talks, even if she had thought that way, but still we could share some kind of closeness), we go outside a lot, to cinema or lunch, for shopping, jogging. I liked her, it would be step number two in my way to focus more on my own life. It could be good. But her becoming a lesbian might interfere with that, so I hoped that she would realize that it was only an experiment.

After surgery was completed, I came back to my office. Still thinking about Lindsay. I was considering if I had given her bad advice. Maybe she shouldn't listen to her heart and body, but to her mind, like I had always done. Or maybe I should listen to my own advice. From my thoughts I was pulled out by Lindsay, in her own person.

- You have to come there quickly, Danny just …

- What? – When I heard his name, I got frightened, cause it could be something connected with Alice, maybe something was wrong with her.

- That girl …

- Tell it now!

- She has moved a li …

I didn't let her finished that sentence. I stormed out of my office and hurried up to Alice's room.

- Danny what happened?

- Don't be so excited, doc. I told Linds not to exaggerate. It was just a little move.

- What kind of?

- When I was moving her legs, she spread her toes in left foot.

- When was it, exactly?

- Five minutes ago.

I printed her reports and studied it carefully. But brain response's analysis showed nothing.

- Fuck! I should be there.

- You couldn't spend there all your time. And so you are here for many hours every day.

- But I was after surgery, I could come here, but I went to my office …

- Don't be silly doc, even if you had been there, it wouldn't have changed anything, as long as brain analysis said nothing.

- Maybe, but …

- There is no but.

He hugged me. And it calmed me down. But I was disappointed that I had not been able to be a witness of her first move. I knew that was silly.

What a week – meeting with Lana, Lindsay's confession and now Alice – her first sign of life and … hope. That week was a point in which my past and future met. I said goodbye to part of my past personalized in Lana, I welcomed back part of my previous life as a Lindsay's friend and hoped that in future it could be as good as it used to be, and most of all, according to the future, I hoped for some undefined new relationship with … Alice, she had done some moves, so meeting her in reality was coming closer.

Lyrics used in this chapter

ABBA "Dancing Queen"