I lie on top of my mattress and stare up at the ceiling. My legs rest against each other, tangled with my bedsheets. My hair pools over my pillow. The alarm clock beside me screams, causing me to flinch. Groaning, I whack it with my hand and turn it off. The room's silence resumes. I roll onto my side. He lies next to me; waiting.

"Morning," he smiles. He moves his eyes down my leans his head against his palm.

I squint my eyes shut, shaking away the memory. When I re-open them, I look away from where he used to lie and force myself off of the bed.

He snickers when my feet hit the floor. "Don't act like you don't want me."

Sighing, I grab my robe and pull it on as I walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

He laughs against my neck and finds my waist with his hands. I shiver. "I'll start on breakfast. What do you want?"

Rolling my top lip over my bottom, I hurry towards John's room. I tap my knuckle against his door twice and nudge it open. He lies in his bed with his legs kicked out in two separate directions. His covers sit in a pile on the floor.

"Morning honey!" I whisper to John and creep over towards him. His eyes flicker from a spot on the wall to my face. He offers me a wry smile. "What you thinking about?"

"Daddy…" John mumbles and takes my hand. He runs his finger against my nails; lost in thought. I frown. Every day my duty is to distract my son from what has happened. The job is starting to wear me emotionally thin. I need to be distracted too.

"Jack comes back today," I say, forcing happiness into my face. "We're going to get him after school and then bring take-out home. How's that sound?" I brush a strand of his hair from in front of his eyes.

"What are we going to eat?"

I lift my shoulders. "Hmm maybe your most favourite thing ever!"

John springs up from where he lies. "Taco Bell?"

I giggle. "Jack and I thought that since you've been such a good boy over the past couple days with him at that football tournament, that we'd treat you. But that means you have to pay attention in class today got it? No more goofing off with Andy and Michael like yesterday."

"Got it! I'm happy Jack's coming home mommy. I miss him."

"I miss him too bud. Now come on, Daddy's making - I mean… I'm making us pancakes."

John tumbles out of bed and makes his way to the tv in the living room while I head to wake up Maddie. "Freezer pancakes don't count mommy," I hear John call from the end of the hallway. "But nice try."

"I can teach you to not to burn everything you try to fry, Ames." He sits in the rocking chair next to Maddie's crib. His hair is like it used to be; bushy and growing out in different directions.

"Morning Maddie," I coo when Maddie sees me walk into the room. She lifts her arms toward me. Picking her up, I kiss her head.

"Monin Mama," she mumbles before thrusting her left thumb into her mouth. She rests her head against my shoulder. I admire her pink pyjamas as I walk us to the kitchen. John lies in a funny position on the couch, watching a cartoon with the volume turned way too high.

"John, buddy, can you turn that down?"

"John, honey, can you turn it down please?" I call from the table while slipping Maddie into her booster seat. The sound lowers almost immediately.

I move towards the fridge for some milk.

He leans against the stove with his arms crossed. "That's the one thing about that boy… he has hearing like an old person."

"And you have the patience of one," I remember me responding. I could say it out loud now, but I don't see much point. Answering my memories doesn't help in healing; it helps in harming.

Maddie reaches for her milk as I pour it into a purple sippie cup. "Do you want milk too John?" I hear him grumble from the couch, meaning no. "Fine then. Go get dressed and I'll warm your breakfast."

The tv clicks off. He comes jogging to the counter. "Okay fine I want milk!" he rushes to say. I raise a brow in his direction and slip the milk carton back out of the fridge. He sits next to his sister and waits for his breakfast to toast. Soon the frozen circles pop out of the toaster and I flop them onto his plate.

"Eat up…" I can hear Him say. "It's almost tim-"

"Eat up," I say, cutting him off as I slide the plate in front of John. "It's almost time for school."

"Don't you love it?" He whispers into my ear. He's seated at the study carrell next to me.

"Love what?" I remember saying.

"The silence! No screaming baby, no crying four-year-old… Wait… reverse those."

I looked at him and smirked. "You should be studying." I pointed at his computer.

"I'm taking a break." He wrapped his hands around my wrist. "Take a break with me."

Shrugging him away I said, "You know I can't."

"Why not?" he pouted like a child.

"Because I'm working! I promise to…."

"… kiss you later," I mumble out loud. My head turns to the booth next to me, where Ricky sat not even eight months ago. I expel a loud sigh, but the pressure in my chest remains. If I could go back, even for a minute, I'd be sure to do things differently. Would Ricky? Is he content with what our life was like before the accident? Did I push him off me too much? Avoid too many kisses? Did I make him feel loved?

My thoughts overwhelm me. Tears spike my eyes. I can't stay here. My last class finished 45 minutes ago; so I'm free to leave. Leave I do. I hurry to grab my things, fumbling as I stack my books against my chest. I race out of the main library on campus towards the parking lot where the van is parked. I don't even realize where I'm going until I'm a few streets over from the hospital.

I can only imagine the complaints I'd hear from Ricky if he were awake, walking into the hospital with me right now.

"There's too many cigarette butts near the main entrance."

"These orderlies look too young."

"That man's coughing. We're all going to get sick."

"If one person sneezes on me, I'm gone."

I roll my eyes, shake my head slightly and step foot into an elevator. Ricky was one of the most self-respective, achieving, grateful people I've ever known. But at the same time, he was extremely hard-headed, strict and irritable. He wasn't afraid of speaking his mind. It was always something that I admired and resented at the same time.

If you were to ask Ricky about the one flaw I have that bothered him the most, he'd say my closed mind. I wasn't really ever willing to hear some one else's opinion. He refused to eat the cereal I would buy, and I refused to eat his. Grocery shopping became a competition. Who ever ended up going out to buy food was allowed to buy their choice of cereal. One month while I was pregnant, I remember it working out that Ricky went shopping every week for five weeks straight. We got in a fight one morning about there being nothing to eat, and he ended up throwing his cereal out the window.

"There! Now there is really nothing to eat! God Amy! Do you have to be so stubborn?"

He had screamed before storming out of the butcher shop apartment to collect the grain that was littering the sidewalk outside of the shop.

You and your temper Ricky, I think to myself as the elevator arrives on his floor. I smile at a janitor sharing the ride with me and step off. A few familiar staff members wave at me as I walk to Ricky's room. I give them polite grins, but none of the smiles reach my eyes. I'm never happy when I come here. I hate it here.

Ricky is wearing a red shirt and grey sweats when I walk in. The sweats normally don't hug his hips this tightly and for the first time I can easily see that Ricky has gained weight since the accident. His hands sit in his splints like they usually do, but today his chin faces the window. A nurse must have wanted him to enjoy the view. However the sun promised by the forecast today never came and the autumn climate is giving us grey clouds and lots of rainfall. Raindrops begin to splatter the room's open window as I lower my things into the chair beside Ricky.

I hurry to wheel in the window, and close the blinds behind it once it's shut. Pleased, I move my head around the room, admiring it. Pictures from John and Maddie cover the wall behind Ricky's head, making it look like one big collage. Fresh flowers from a florist down the road sit on the stand next to the bed. They're from Margaret. She changes them every weekend when she visits. Framed pictures of the kids and Ricky as a child sit on top of the dresser that holds his clothes. As nice as these decorations are, and as warm as they make me feel, they mostly bring pain to my heart. I didn't want to have to make this place like a second home. But I did.

"I know I usually stop by with the kids on Fridays, but we're having dinner with Jack tonight. I wasn't even going to stop by at all to be honest. But then I was in the library, and you've been in my head all day. Everything I look at, everything I touch, reminds me of you."

He doesn't move. Why would he?

"I really miss you Ricky." Giving in to the feeling of emptiness around me, I slink over to the bed. I lie down next to him and wrap my arms around him. I can feel the air leaving his nose. Touching his chin, I move his head to face mine. Now his breath falls on me. I wiggle into place next to him with my body inclined to his. When I put my hand on his chest, I can feel his heartbeat. I lean in to kiss him. His lips are warm. For a moment, I forget he's not awake and expect him to kiss me back. But he doesn't, because he isn't awake. And lying down next to him isn't what it was. It will never be. With a hard lump in my throat I stand and take my things. I leave without another word.

"Where is he?" cries John. He's standing on a blue chair connected to an island of identical seats. His feet stretch, balancing him on his tippy-toes so that he can get a better look at the passengers exiting the terminal. I stand next to him with my arms out incase he falls. Maddie sits in the chair beside us, chewing on some dried fruit. "I don't see him!"

"He's coming John I promise! Settle down! I don't want you to fall."

John shoots me a hard stare and presses his eyes back to the crowded sectional of the airport. Maddie rises to her feet and points at a baby in a carriage passing by. She loves babies.

"Stay with mommy, Maddie," I have to warn. I check the time on my phone. Jack's plane landed twenty minutes ago. He should be here any minute.

"Don't you hate air travel? Nothing is ever on time."

I shake Ricky's voice away like I've been doing all day. John starts to jump up and down. "I see him! I see him! Look!"

I extend my neck, struggling to see Jack among the people flowing our way. Eventually his tall figure stands out against the crowd and a smile I can't help breaks out across my face. I reach down and pick up Maddie, who is enthralled by her brother's excitement. Jack runs to greet us, laughing at John who has now jumped off of the chair and is running towards his friend with open arms. John screams into a hysterical cackle as Jack picks him up from the ground and swings him over his shoulder. People passing by send them abrupt dirty stares.

"I missed you!" squeals John as he is set back on the ground.

"I missed you too buddy! And you Maddie!" Jack grins and plucks Maddie out of my arms. Realizing that Jack is back from wherever he was, Maddie shrieks and claps her hands.

"Jak mama!" Maddie tells me. We all giggle.

"I know baby! Jack is back!"

"…And he missed mommy very very much," Jack says with his eyes solely on me. We lean in and kiss each other. It lasts longer than it should, but I don't care. I need it. John pulls a face of disgust when we finally part. Maddie mimics us by blowing a loud kiss. She finds herself so funny that she enters into a fit of high-pitched laughter.

"Excuse me…" A voice from around us interrupts. I swing my head around, trying to locate the voice. My eyes meet an older woman walking by. She has stopped to stare and smile at us. "You have a lovely family…"

"Oh no!" I say, following my reflexes to correct her. "We're not-"

But Jack swings his arm around me and pulls me to his side. He smiles at the older woman. "Thank you Ma'am." She saunters off, obviously moved by our perfect little appearance.

I gape at Jack, unable to help it. He just admitted that we're a family; but it's not so much that he believes it that has put me to shock. It's that he said it so easily, almost as if his mind plays no part in recognizing that we aren't a family. That there is someone else who belongs here… instead of him.

Following our reunion, we pile into the van and go get the meal promised to John in reward of his good behaviour and patience in Jack's absence. He's so excited by the entire situation unfolding that he sings songs off his favourite Kidz Bop CD the entire way home; eventually convincing Jack to join him. Maddie, not having slept well at daycare today, falls asleep during the drive. Meaning it is up to me to wake her and handle her cranky mood once we've pulled in the driveway.

Jack helps John set the table while I change Maddie out of her diaper and wake her up enough so that she doesn't throw herself out of her booster seat in the middle of what I refer to as once of her "tired tantrums." I pull her hair into a pony tail that sits on the top of her head like a little red sprout and walk her to the kitchen. She beams when she sees Jack and I let go of her hand so she can meet him. Picking her up, Jack kisses her head. He then slips he into her chair and shakes a small package of fries onto the plate in front of her. The rest of us settle into our places at the table and Jack divides up the food.

"So tell me," he says once we've all begun eating. "How was it while I was gone?"

"No," I shake my head. "All we ever do is talk about things around here. You first this time. How was the tournament?"

"We didn't do as well as I had hoped we would… but coming in third is pretty good considering. We got medals, at least."

John's eyes nearly bug out of his head. "Medals!? Really! Cool!"

"Yeah! I'll show you after…"

"… dinner okay buddy?"

"Yaaaay!" John screamed, throwing his fists into the air. Maddie, nursing against her mother's chest, jerked and started to cry. "Ooops, sorry Maddie," he whispered.

"Do you want me to take her?" Ricky asked, putting down his fork in concern.

"No, I think she's done feeding anyways. I'll go see if I can put her down. Keep eating John."

He watched her walk out of the room, clear to him that something was on her mind.

"It's not your fault that Maddie got upset, okay John? You are very good with being quiet around her and I'm very proud of you for that, so thank you."

"You're welcome," John replied, humbled by his dad's thanks.

"Keep eating okay? I'm going to go talk with mommy. I think she's feeling a bit sad."

John raised his head. "Sad? Why?"

Pushing his chair away from the table, Ricky replied, "That's what I'm…"

"… going to find out." I lift my head from where it sits leaning into my palm staring at my dinner plate. "We tried to figure out the secret codes of the other team, but we couldn't in time and that's why we lost."

"Ohhh I get it!" speaks John as he reaches for his glass of pepsi. "Football is cool mommy! I like it!"

"That's great," I say weakly.

"You alright there? You seemed to check out for a few minutes…" Jack whispers, sliding his hand up my arm.

I force another weak smile. "Yeah I'm fine. Just…"

"…tired. Go back to talking with John."

"Well I can't do that knowing something's wrong…" Ricky whispered into the silent nursery, careful not to make his daughter stir. He snuck up behind her as she laid Maddie in the crib.

He put his hands on her arms. "I told you!" she insisted, "I'm just tired."

"Sssh, I don't want her waking up. And I know you're tired but that isn't it. What's on your mind Ames?"

She opened her mouth to speak but hesitated. Her thoughts seemed so childish. She was embarrassed by them. "Yo- You're cooler than I am."

Ricky had to stifle a laugh. "I'm sorry what?" He beamed with glee. It was obvious he found this funny. "I'm cooler than you are? What?"

"See! I shouldn't have said anything! You're laughing at me." She turned towards the rocking chair.

"Ames, I'm not laughing because of what you said. I'm laughing at how wrong you are." She sent him a dirty look, implying him to stop teasing her. "I'm serious Amy. On no day ever have I been cooler than you are."

"Well tell that to John…"

"John is just excited because I have two medals from little league somewhere in the garage. He'll get over it."

"It's not the medals Ricky! You're a guy okay? You play sports! You're cool in his eyes!"

"So are you! You're his badass mom who picks him up from the ground when he falls off swings at the park and convinces him that nothing is wrong even when his knee is bleeding. You're the person who made him a big brother! Who speeds the van up at yellow lights and can make her hair look different in a million ways! You don't think he admires all that stuff?"'

She shrugged, her eyes filling with tears. "I just want to be able to connect with him."

"You will!" he cried, wrapping himself around her. He kissed her cheek. "I promise you will. You are always going to be there for him. You're his mom. He's going to need you more than both of you ever realize. And you're going to be there for him. Because you love him. And THAT is the only connection that matters."

"I love you…" she whispered as she threw herself against him. He held her tightly.

"I love you too Amy…"

When they parted, they took each other's hands and walked slowly out towards the kitchen.

"You didn't say much at dinner. Why don't…"

"… you tell me about your day?"

It's Jack who once again interrupts my flashback. Only now the kids are no where in sight and he and I sit on the couch leaning against each other. A yawn forces its way from my mouth and I stretch, lethargic from being caught up in a daydream.

Jack gives me a look of concern. "Are you okay? You've seemed distant all day."

I nod and send a little "mhmm" from my throat. His look of concern remains. He seems unconvinced. "I missed you that's all. It's a lot harder to focus when you're not around."

He kisses the top of my head. "Well I'm here now babe… and I come bearing gifts."

Now it's my turn to pull a face. "What kind of gifts?"

"The kind that you buy in an expensive jewellery store for your incredible girlfriend when you're out of town, because you want her to know exactly how you feel about her." He pulls out a silver necklace from his pocket. On it hangs a silver heart, with the number 31 engraved in the back.

"It's beautiful!" I gasp. It really is. "But you didn't have to do this Jack! Seriously."

"No I did," he hurries to say. "You see… when I was with Madison, and I know I shouldn't be bringing that up, but just listen. When I was with her, she made it clear to me that I should give someone a gift the next time I tell them that… I love them."

My heart lurches into my throat. Love?

"I love you Amy. And the thing about this necklace, if you want to wear it, is that when people ask you where you got it, you can say that your boyfriend Jack gave it to you when he told you that he loved you. And I do. I love you."

I look at him through tear-filled eyes. He's saying everything right. Everything I want to hear. But is it coming from the right person? Telling a lie to Jack in this moment would mean I tell him that I don't love him back. But it isn't true. Because I do. I do love him. I've just been hiding my feelings out of fear. If I say these three words out loud, does that change more things between me and Ricky? Or are they already different?

"I- I love you too Jack." I mumble slowly. He wipes a tear from his cheek.

"Really?" he says breathlessly. "Oh my gosh Amy!" I'm pulled into a hug. He holds me tightly, and it dawns on me that he's shaking. We end the embrace to wipe away our tears. He takes my hand in his and holds it against his lips. I meet his eyes with mine and hold them in place as I lean into him and kiss his collarbone. I can hear him sigh.

His hands find my shoulders and he pushes me away, into a pile of cushions. He leaves kisses against my neck, dragging his lips up to my ear and then down my jawline. I run my hands up and down his back. When one accidentally slips past his shirt is when he stops.

He looks at me strongly. "Amy… we don't need to do anything. But I would really love it if I could spend the night."

I nod my head before the words register in my head. He's asking to sleep beside me. He's saying I won't be alone. I won't be alone.

I stand first, knowing he needs to be lead to my room or his conscience will never feel right. I take his hand and walk towards the staircase.

The hallucination doesn't last long. But when I turn the corner of the staircase, I see him there. He's standing outside of the bedroom door, with his arms crossed over his chest. He shakes his head slightly, obviously disappointed.

We aren't going to do anything, I think as we pass him.

"I'd rather be alone than with anyone else Amy. Why can't you do the same for me?" I swear I can hear him say.

By this time Jack is already inside of my room, admiring its decor. I go to close the door and find myself standing face to face with him. I know that what I say next will hurt him. But I have no other choice.

"Because Ricky," I whisper out loud, but quietly enough so that only I can hear. "You aren't here anymore."