CHAPTER FOURTEEN: All Your Sentimental Virtue
Dr. Lexi T'Perro is not amused. Tris can tell by the scowl she's wearing as she checks his implant and reflexes, using her medical scanner to assess his vitals.
"You seem okay," she says finally, "except your brainwaves are off the charts."
Well, that's... huh. "What can I say," he says with a smile he doesn't feel, "I'm just awesome like that."
She spares him a level glance before looking back at her scanner. "Your implant was fried; you were right about that. It's just a short-circuit, it seems. I can fix it, but it will take a day or two. I need to get a base reading on your brainwaves before I can fix what might be damaged. Again, though, your brainwaves are... I haven't ever seen any like these, in a human."
He shrugs. "Is that bad?"
"Not bad, considering you seem healthy otherwise. Any blackouts? Memory loss? Nausea, vomiting, anything you're leaving out?"
He shifts uneasily, but can feel Liam's glare on the back of his neck. So he sighs heavily and nods. "I blacked out a few times, and threw up a little. Drack could tell you more; I don't really remember it."
"So, all of the above," Dr. T'Perro surmises, making a note on her chart.
"I guess."
"Care to tell me what happened in the vault?"
"I would if I could," he tells her. "I don't remember."
"What happened after you sent Liam and... Peebee through?" She hesitates on Peebee's name. Do they not get along? How much have they interacted? Now isn't the time to wonder about it, though.
"I don't know," he tells her honestly. "I just remember my barrier failing."
"And then?"
"It's a giant blur. I don't know. I woke up on the ground, and the storm was gone."
"So it's safe to say you blacked out, then."
"I guess."
She makes another note on her chart, sighing. "I'd like to keep you for 24 hours, for observation."
"Do I have to?" he asks, frowning. He hates med bays.
She smiles at him. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist."
"He'll stay," Liam says, clapping a hand to his shoulder, keeping him seated.
He sighs. "Excuse you, but last I checked you weren't my spokesperson."
"Good, so you can't fire me."
He glowers at the man, over his shoulder. Liam merely smiles back at him, all innocently. Lying liar. You're not innocent in this.
"He'll stay," Liam says again.
Tris sighs once more, turning his gaze back toward the asari doctor. "I guess I'll stay."
"I want you to lay in bed so we can monitor you," she tells him, gesturing at the bio bed he's sitting on. "I'll give you fluids, but you should try to eat something, too, if you're up to it. Your body needs the calories."
"I'll fix pancakes," Liam says, getting to his feet.
Tris smiles. Oh, fuck yes. "I knew I loved you."
"You just want me for my food."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"Boys," Dr. T'Perro says.
Tris blinks at her, smirking. "Sorry, doc. Anything else?"
She quirks a brow at him, but he thinks she might have a half-smile. Maybe. It's gone when he blinks. "I don't want you using any biotics for at least a week; even after we fix your implant, your body needs time to recover."
He shrugs. "It's not like I go around using them at random. Only in a fight. Am I going to be fighting?"
If the Pathfinder demands his presence outside of the ship, he can't really be blamed for that, can he? For using his biotics? He's only following orders, after all.
"You won't be fighting," Liam says.
"Why, doc. I didn't realize you were a grumpy crisis response expert. You should have told me," Tris says, in mock horror.
Liam smacks the back of his shoulder. Tris laughs.
It feels good to laugh.
The atmosphere in the room feels... good. He has no other way to describe it; he's comfortable. He hasn't been comfortable in a long, long time. Centuries. For the first time since coming to Andromeda, he almost feels like he belongs. The easy rapport with Liam more than sets his mind at ease. The tense set of his shoulders relaxes as he calmly sits on the bed.
"Please lie down," Dr. T'Perro tells him.
He sighs, kicks off his boots, and lays down on the bed. His armor is already in a pile next to Liam. He'd hoped to clean and repair it before putting it away, but at least he can sleep here. Sleep sounds amazing, even if it is in the med bay.
At least I don't have a concussion this time. He remembers the brainwaves Dr. T'Perro mentioned. I think.
"I'll bring you some food," Liam assures him, before he leaves the room.
Tris watches him go, and then yawns widely. He's not exactly hungry, but there's no way he can turn down Liam's pancakes, even if his stomach is twisted in knots. He knows he needs to eat, so it really has nothing to do with hunger. He slides his gaze toward Dr. T'Perro.
"So," he says, watching her carefully. "What aren't you telling me?"
She slides her gaze away from her omni-tool, glancing at him briefly. "What makes you think I'm hiding something?"
"You allowed the banter," Tris says. "Either means you're worried about something, or you let all your patients goof around in the med bay, which I highly doubt. So â€" what's up? Am I dying?"
She scowls at him. "You're not dying, at least not that I can tell."
"But?" he prompts, because there's always a 'but'.
"Human brains weren't meant to achieve such brainwaves," she tells him, biting at her lower lip. "Even the Pathfinder, with complete access to SAM, doesn't have brainwaves quite as high as yours."
"I'm just special," Tris says, snuggling his head further into his pillow. It's not exactly fluffy, but it's a pillow and it's better than the cold hard floor of a kett vehicle, or the confusion of the vault. "So you said I'm not dying. Why are you worried?"
"You're not dying. At least, not at the moment."
"But?" he prompts once more, dread coiling in his stomach.
She sighs. "There's no telling what those continued brainwaves will do your brain, or to your body. It could shut your mind down completely, leave you comatose, or cause you to hallucinate. Abnormal brainwaves are not a trivial matter, Mr. Reilly."
"It's Tris," he says, absently. He's on auto-pilot at the moment, staring up at the ceiling.
His brainwaves are spiked. He could die from it, or go into a coma. He could become a vegetable.
A tremor rips through him. He swallows and closes his eyes.
"I'd like to sleep now," he says quietly. "If you don't mind."
"Of course," Dr. T'Perro tells him.
His eyes are closed, but he knows when the lights are dimmed. Her footsteps walk around him before he hears the curtain get drawn, encircling his own little corner of the med-bay.
He rolls onto his side and opens his eyes to stare at the wall, a weight settling in his chest.
xXx
When Liam returns with his food, Tris pretends to be asleep.
Liam puts the food down on the table, lightly touches Tris's shoulder, and upon no response, quietly takes his leave. Tris opens his eyes to watch the curtain close behind him.
Thanks... he thinks, glancing at the food, but he's just not hungry right now.
Even for Liam's pancakes.
xXx
"I don't care, I need to speak with him," comes a firm, commanding voice. It rouses Tris from his light slumber, but he keeps his eyes closed.
There are people talking, just outside the line of his curtain.
The Pathfinder and Dr. T'Perro.
"He's resting," Dr. T'Perro says in a hushed whisper. "I understand you need to speak with him about what happened on Eos, but he needs his rest right now, and I need to keep him for observation. You can speak to him once he's released."
"I'll speak to him now."
"From what I've heard, the two of you don't exactly get along," the doctor all but huffs. "I can't have you disturbing my patient when I'm trying to get a baseline for his neural patterns."
"We'll be back at the Nexus in twelve hours; I need to have something to tell them."
"Tell them the mission was a success; you fixed the atmosphere, didn't you?"
"The radiation levels are lowering," the Pathfinder confirms.
"Then tell them that, but I will not have you disturbing my patient before he's ready. You and those on the Nexus will have to wait."
Alec Ryder sighs heavily. Tris can't believe he's actually conceding. He never gives in. "How is he?"
"It will take a little time to fix his implant, and even longer before I recommend letting him use his biotics," Dr. T'Perro says.
"How long?"
"At least a week, maybe two," she tells him.
"We don't have that long."
"Maybe you don't, but he does. You have other members who can replace him for the time being, don't you?" she asks. "Correct me if I'm mistaken, but you did recruit a krogan, did you not?"
"We have a krogan, yes."
But the Pathfinder didn't recruit him. Tris almost smiles.
"Then I suggest you let my patient rest, Pathfinder."
There's a tense silence for a moment. Tris's muscles tense in response; he can jump from his bed at a moment's notice if need be, but surely his father won't do anything. Dr. T'Perro does work for him, after all.
He's never hurt anyone working under him before, at least not that Tris can remember.
Except Tris.
"Very well," the Pathfinder concedes, sighing heavily. "Tell me when he's free to talk."
"I will," she says, and the Pathfinder takes his leave.
The curtain moves as the doctor enters his little area. He keeps his eyes steadfastly closed, feigning sleep.
"I know you're awake," she tells him. "Your vitals alerted me a while ago."
He blinks his eyes open, turning his head to frown at her. "Then why not let him talk to me?"
"I've heard some things," is all she says on the matter.
"What things?"
She smiles at him. "Are you hungry? I'm sure Liam won't mind fixing you more food."
He glances at the untouched pancakes, cold and hard by now. "I can just eat these."
"Nonsense," she says, grabbing the plate from the table. "I'll alert him you're awake and hungry."
"I'm not exactly hungry."
"But you're willing to eat."
She knows him too well, it seems. He smirks. "Sure."
She nods, dumping the contents of the plate in the garbage before putting the plate back down on the table. "About what we discussed before..."
He glances away, turning his face back into his pillow. "It's fine. You don't have to say anything."
"Do you have any idea what caused your brainwaves to spike? Did it happen in the vault?"
"I don't know," he murmurs. "I told you, I don't remember."
"Is there anything at all you're neglecting to tell me?"
He thinks back to the vault. The nagging feeling in his mind, like he was forgetting something important. The strange circle on the palm of his right hand. The way the gravity well wasn't working at first, but then suddenly worked for him. The bridge across the water, appearing under his feet as he walked. The body barrier he created back at that kett camp.
He closes his eyes. "Nothing comes to mind, doc."
None of it makes any sense.
There's no point in bringing it up when it feels like he's forgetting something important.
"Very well," she says with a sigh. "Let me know if you think of anything, or remember anything."
He blinks his eyes open, turning his head to look at her again. "You think I might start remembering what happened?"
"Anything is possible," she assures him.
He nods. Remembering would be good.
"In the meantime, rest. I'll have food brought to you, if you don't mind the company. I doubt I can kick him out again."
"Again?" he asks.
"Liam sat with you for a while earlier. I had to kick him out so he would get some sleep."
That's... hmm. Why would Liam be sitting with him if he was tired? "Don't wake him up just to bring me food," he says.
She smiles. "You don't realize how long you've been sleeping, do you?"
"Uh... how long?"
He thought it was just an hour or so.
"You've been out for thirteen hours."
His eyes widen. "Thirteen? What?"
How could he possibly sleep that long? Sure, he was tired and his head hurt, but thirteen hours? Without realizing how much time had passed? What's wrong with me?
"Liam has had ample time to sleep. He's awake right now."
"How do you know?" he asks, while his mind still tries to wrap around the fact he slept for thirteen fucking hours.
"He's been by to check on you three times in the past two hours," she says, smirking at him.
He blinks back at her. He's not entirely sure when he got a friend. It's... strange. Different. He hugged me. "Why?" he asks.
"Because he's worried about you," she tells him, like he should know that. "From what I've heard, he was very angry they left you behind on Eos. He said you died saving him."
He shifts uneasily, shifting his gaze away under her steady attention. "It wasn't as heroic as all that."
"Nevertheless, I believe he was suffering from survivor's guilt."
Tris frowns. He never meant for that to happen. He just wanted Liam and Peebee to live. He never thought about how it might be for them, afterward. He imagined himself in their place, with someone willing to die for him, pushing him out of harm's way and then just... not following after him.
Huh.
It's not a pleasant thought. He'd feel immensely guilty.
Is that how Liam feels?
He scrubs a hand over his face. "When can he bring the food?"
"I'll tell him you're awake and hungry."
xXx
Liam arrives roughly thirty minutes later, with a fresh plate of pancakes and a glass of milk. Tris smirks, watching as Liam puts it down on the small table.
"Thanks," he says, sitting up. "You really didn't have to."
Liam shrugs and sits in the empty chair next to the bed. Tris noticed its presence earlier, but didn't question it. He simply thought it was there as a room fixture; a chair by every bed, just in case. He didn't think much of it until Dr. T'Perro mentioned that Liam sat with him earlier.
He glances at Liam. Liam sat with him. He hugged him.
That survivor's guilt much be a bitch. Even if the person in question didn't die.
As soon as he alleviates Liam's guilt, things can go back to normal. Liam won't be trying to play bodyguard.
Okay, so that's his reason for trying to protect me from Erin, but what's Drack's? It makes no sense. Why did the krogan threaten Erin? What has the universe come to?
Tris picks up the plate of food and takes his first bite of fluffy pancakes. It's delicious, just like he remembers. He takes a moment to savor the food. "So, what all can you cook?" he asks, swallowing and reaching for his milk.
Liam shrugs. "A few things," he replies.
"Well, you'll have to show me sometime."
"Sure."
"I hope you ate, too."
"I'm not hungry," Liam tells him, shaking his head.
Tris sighs. "When did you last eat?"
"What does that matter?"
He shrugs. "I heard you got into an argument with the Ryders. Want to talk about it?"
Liam's eyes narrow. "They just left you there."
"They thought I was dead," Tris reminds him.
"They still could have went back for you, but they ordered us to leave."
"Wasn't that the reasonable choice?" Tris asks. "I mean, you all thought the vault was, what? Still in storm-mode? So why bother going back down for a body?" It's why he can't be angry at them for leaving him behind. It only made sense to leave him. They thought he was dead, so why risk their own lives to simply retrieve his body? He knew the risks going in, after all. Just like they all know the risks.
Liam's teeth clench, a muscle jumping in his jaw. "That's not the point."
"Then what is the point?"
"They didn't even try," Liam murmurs, gaze skittering away.
There's a pang of... something, in Tris's chest, but he ignores it. It's not he ever expected his family to try. "How could they?" he asks. Why am I defending them? Because he needs to alleviate Liam's guilt. He needs to fix this. That means making Liam see there was nothing he could have done, and the Ryders made the right choice.
If that means siding with his family, just this once...
So be it.
"How could they try to go back for me? The gravity well stopped working, didn't it? You couldn't have gone back down even if you wanted to, and if you did, for all you knew, I was already dead and there was a storm down there. What could you have done?"
There was nothing Liam could have done. Nothing any of them could have done to help Tris. He fully expected to die down there, accepted his fate, let his barrier fall to get it over with - and then he woke up. He lived.
"There was nothing you could have done," he tells Liam, who is steadfastly glaring at the ground.
"You shouldn't have pushed me in," Liam finally says, hands clenching into fists in his lap.
"You wouldn't go on your own," Tris reminds him.
"Because that meant leaving you behind!"
"Which was the right move."
"It wasn't." Liam's eyes move to glare at him now. "You pushed me into the well, and then you pushed Peebee into it, and then didn't follow."
Tris watches him for a moment. Liam is angry, but he's not sure at who. Probably Tris. "I had to push you both. You wouldn't have gone otherwise, and I needed you both to live."
"You don't get to make that call."
Tris laughs. "I do get to make that call, because I did it. I was fine with dying if you both got out of there."
"Do you have any self-preservation instincts?" Liam snaps, glaring.
"Sure I do," Tris tells him. "If I didn't, I wouldn't bother with armor, or a helmet on strange planets."
"Then why keep throwing yourself into danger?"
"It's what I'm here for."
"What does that mean?"
Tris sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face. "Nothing. It's nothing."
"Why do you keep doing that?" Liam asks, irritated as he pushes to his feet, glaring down at him. "How is that what you're here for? Throwing yourself into danger?"
He clenches his teeth, keeping his mouth shut as he looks away. He can't answer that. Answering that would be admittance, might lead to his secret, and he can't do that. Why can't Liam just drop it?
"Answer me!" Liam hisses, taking a step closer to the bed. "I deserve answers!"
"And why is that?" he asks quietly, keeping his gaze focused on the floor on the other side of the bed.
Abort mission, his mind whispers. Stop this.
Because he wants to tell Liam. He wants to tell someone.
But he can't tell anyone. Ever.
It will lead to more questions, could lead to his family, could lead to the discovery that he's part of that family, and he can't have that. He can't be part of that. He can't be a Ryder again. Everything would change. People would treat him differently; they always do, when they learn he's related to the amazing Alec Ryder, or perfect Erin Ryder. I can't do that again.
He worked so hard to leave his family behind. He can't quit now.
"I deserve answers," Liam says again, watching him. He can feel his gaze on him.
"Why?" he repeats.
"Because you tried to die for me!"
And now they're at the root of the issue, he thinks.
"You're off the hook for that," Tris assures him. "I didn't die. You can stop feeling guilty."
"You think this is about feeling guilty?"
He slides his gaze back toward Liam. "Isn't it?"
Liam growls under his breath - pure frustration. "Of course I feel guilty! You pushed me and then didn't follow! I thought you were dead! All because you decided to play hero, again." He takes a step closer to the bed. "You act like your life is so insignificant, but it's not."
Tris swallows thickly, another pang in his chest.
"You're my friend," Liam continues. "I'm guilty because I didn't push you through, first."
There's a tight knot in his stomach, sucking the breath from his lungs. "You're mad not because you thought I died for you, but because you didn't save me first?"
How does that make sense? Since when does he matter that much to anyone? That they would want to save him first. What the hell is happening?
"I'm mad because I wanted us all to make it out of there, not just two of us," Liam says, voice lowering. "But you had to go and play hero, and we left you behind."
"You thought I was dead," Tris reminds him, almost on auto-pilot, his tongue heavy in his mouth. "You had to go."
"We should have gone back down," Liam says, shaking his head. "We should have looked for you. We should have brought you back, no matter what. We should have tried. But the Pathfinder ordered us away, said it was a lost cause and you'd want us to continue without you, and..."
"And?" Tris prompts, quietly.
"I punched him."
He stares at Liam. "You punched him," he repeats, watching as Liam nods slowly. "You punched him. The Pathfinder. Alec Ryder. You punched him?"
"I did."
Tris laughs. "Oh, man. I wish I could have seen the look on his face. Tell me you broke his nose or something."
"He had a bloody lip," Liam says, lips quirking upward briefly in a small half-smile.
"What happened after that?"
"I'm sure that can wait for another time," Dr. T'Perro says, pushing the curtain aside to join them. She eyes the barely touched food. "I thought I told you to eat, Mr. Reilly."
"Tris," he says, picking up his fork again. "And I'm eating, see?" He takes a big bite, chewing noisily.
She shakes her head at him and glances at Liam. "How are you?"
"I'm okay," Liam tells her. "Just keep this guy in check."
"I don't need a babysitter," Tris says, taking a gulp of milk.
"If he tries to leave or gives you any trouble, just let me know," Liam continues, as if Tris isn't even there.
Which, rude.
I'm right here.
"I'll keep that in mind," Dr. T'Perro assures him.
Tris huffs. "Do you make that agreement for all your patients or am I just special?"
She just smiles at him. "Once you're finished eating I'm going to run a series of tests."
He sighs. "Alright. Sure."
She looks at Liam. "You can stay or go."
"I'll stay," Liam says.
Tris sits back into his pillow, surrounded by... companions.
It's a strange feeling.
But one he can definitely get used to.