14
Sarah POV
Disoriented, I sat up. Somehow, I was now in the Common Room. It was very late- later than it had been at the Christmas Party. I was lying on a couch, and the only light in the room was a jar of little blue fire that I recognized as a specialty of Hermione's. I slowly propped myself up, glad that my head felt fine, and no dark spots obscured my vision. Hermione was sitting asleep in an armchair across from me, her dress still on under her bathrobe. Harry was sitting against the couch I was on down by my waist, head back and snoring slightly. I immediately felt a pang of guilt- I should've controlled myself better. I'd fainted way down by Slughorn's office- I had no idea how my friends had reacted or how I'd ended up here. Feeling me stir, Harry's head snapped forwards and he quickly turned towards me. "I'm so sorry," I apologized, and he got to his feet quickly, hearing that my voice was hoarse.
"Are you ok? You didn't have a seizure and Hermione checked your wrist-" I immediately sat up, looking at my wrist. I hadn't felt it before, but the bracelet was gone, and my mark looked hideously ugly and dark in the flickering blue light from Hermione's fire. "-and I thought you were ok but you fainted at Slughorn's office so I just carried you here and-"
"Harry, I'm ok," I said with a weak chuckle, swinging my legs around and standing up. Harry jerked, as if he was going to catch me but then stopped himself.
"What…happened to you…exactly?" Harry said, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. I sat back down on the couch and patted the spot next to me. Harry sat, looking at me with slight apprehension.
"Snape was just so…close. I got really dizzy and I felt like fainting the whole time. Bellatrix noticed that, and started putting the pressure on me. I used Occlumency and got her to back off, but it zapped all my energy. I'm so sorry I fainted, it was my fault. I should have told you what was happening." I apologized again, feeling like an idiotic 'damsel in distress' for fainting on Harry. I hated that I was so susceptible to feeling like shit around Death Eaters.
"Don't apologize, I was just worried that you'd have another seizure. It gave me an excuse to leave the party after I got back from listening in on Malfoy and Snape." He changed topics smoothly, and right then I knew that Harry didn't believe me for an instant, and that he was going to wiggle the 'truth' out of me somehow.
"And what'd you find out?" I asked tonelessly, reaching down and taking off my high-heeled shoes.
"Malfoy was refusing to tell Snape what he was up to, but Snape at one point asked him what he was hiding from 'his master'." Harry laid the overwhelming proof right in front of me, and I could feel his gaze boring into me. When I didn't say anything he went on. "And at the party, before Malfoy came in- that was more than a reaction to Snape. You knew he was coming, didn't you?" Unable to take it any longer, I stood up, stooping to seize my shoes. As I started away from him, he got up and caught my arm. "Sarah, what is going on? You have to tell me." Harry insisted. I spun in his grasp and nearly shoved my left wrist into his nose. Inside, I was breaking- this would tear Harry and I apart, but what else could I do?
"Do you see this, Harry? Can you imagine feeling ten times worse than you did last year with your scar all the time? Sometimes, I don't even know if what I feel is right. A reaction can happen anywhere and at any time. I don't know if Malfoy is a Death Eater, and I don't care." My voice was hoarse yet, and it cracked halfway through but I kept going. Lying to him felt much worse than the mark ever could- I was betraying his trust. Harry slowly let go of my arm as I looked down at my bare feet, trying to take deep breaths and calm down.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" He asked quietly, and I felt my eyes smart then start to tear up. I was a disgusting, horrible person for doing this- I should've kept what I knew to myself and only tried to warn Dumbledore. I didn't want to know this anymore- ignorant bliss would have been better.
"There's nothing I can tell you." I emphasized the word 'can', hoping he'd get it, but Harry said nothing. I looked up at him, hating that my eyes were brimming with tears. He looked slightly confused, a little angry, but downright determined. Wishing I could burn that face from my memory, I turned and fled up the girls' staircase and into the dormitory, stifling a sob. I set my shoes down by my bed, and then crawled on top of it, closing my hangings to block the moonlight. Then, I couldn't help it. I buried my face right into my pillow and cried like I was 13 again. I cried for myself, finally shedding tears I'd been storing since last year. I cried for Dumbledore, and how he was letting himself die for a master plan of his own creation. I cried for my friends, Harry especially, for having to be so suspicious of me and yet still caring about my well being. When I was done, it was almost 3 in the morning- Harry and Ron would go to the Burrow in less than 4 hours. Hermione was staying at Hogwarts, but she was going to meet up with her parents in Hogsmade for awhile. I'd get some time alone- exactly what I needed. I needed time to build myself up against Harry and his suspicions and questions, and my own self hate. I needed time to think, to plan, to go after Malfoy. I needed time to just sort out life- I could apply for my Apparition test and license now, I'd be seventeen on December 27th.
Silently chastising myself for crying like a baby, I pulled all the pins out of my hair and reopened my side hangings. I changed hastily into my pajamas then got back into bed and somehow fell asleep.
In the morning, I woke up and it was almost 11 o'clock. After digging into my trunk and pulling out the scrap of sheet from my summer, I tied it around my wrist before fully getting up. Hermione had my bracelet somewhere, and it was what I'd been using to hide the mark. Getting dressed, it was weird to be the only one in the dormitory. The majority of the girls had gone home for the holidays. I was certainly not used to the luxury of privacy. I slunk down the girls staircase silently, afraid of what I'd find. However, Hermione grinned when she saw me, shutting her book and getting out of her armchair by the fire to greet me. "How're you feeling?" She asked after giving me a hug. "You gave Harry such a fright, me too, come to think of it. But Harry woke me up yesterday and you'd already gone to bed. I'm assuming you're ok?" She said this all very fast, looking at me expectantly. I couldn't help but smile, even though comment about Harry hurt me unconsciously. He obviously hadn't told her what I'd said, and I felt a pang of frustration. I had just told him the key, the reason why I was so miserable, and he kept it to himself.
"I'm just tired." I said, trying to inject cheerfulness into my voice. I spent the day with Hermione catching up and working ahead on homework. She shared her literally horrifying experience at the party with Cormac McLaggen, and I sympathized with her with ease. She returned my bracelet to me, and I transfigured it back into the knitted band, slipping it on over the sheet and then untying it. I knew that Hermione was extremely curious about it, even though I'd never shown it to her except for in the beginning. She had watched me carefully, but then turned back to her book. Feeling slightly ill, I watched the fire for awhile before deciding to see if Dumbledore was here. I wanted to shout at him, cry for him, and ignore him all at the same time. Regardless, I needed some guidance on how to stay friends with Harry and not hurt myself trying to tell him things in the process. "I think I need to see Dumbledore," I said after a moment of contemplating my decision, getting out of my chair.
"You are looking slightly ill," Hermione said gently. She shooed me off, and I started for Dumbledore's office. I never made it though. As I was walking past McGonagall's office, she called me inside.
"Can I help you, Professor?" I asked politely, stepping inside and closing the door when she motioned me to.
"I have received word from Mr. Potter that you had a fainting spell yesterday brought on by close contact to Professor Snape." She said, and I nearly died on the spot from embarrassment and guilt. "I merely wanted to advise you to go to the Hospital Wing to ensure that you truly are recovered." She continued, avoiding my gaze.
"I really don't think that's necessary Professor-" she looked at me sharply, so I backtracked, "-but if you insist, I'll go."
"Allow me to escort you," She said, standing up and marching out of her room before I could object. I meekly followed her to the Hospital Wing, trying to ignore the looks she was shooting at me. McGonagall was obviously very upset about it, something I didn't quite understand. "In," she said, opening the door for me. I walked in to find Madam Pompfrey waiting, something that only irritated me. She immediately grabbed my arm and sat me down on a bed, waving her wand in complicated patterns to run tests. She frowned about halfway through, and finished her exam looking puzzled.
"Is there anything wrong?" I asked, anxious.
"Nothing to worry about quite yet. I'll have to research this a bit more." Madam Pompfrey said, almost like a vow.
"What do you mean? What's wrong?" I asked, even more anxious than before, but she waved her hand in a sign of dismissal, stepping back.
"I'm overacting, I'm sure. Forget it dear, and have a Happy Christmas." She insisted, and I got up slowly, mind whirling. Now what was happening to me? Was it so bad that she wouldn't tell me?
"Thanks," I said, almost leaving before remembering my initial quest. "Professor, is Professor Dumbledore here?" I asked McGonagall, but she shook her head, making my heart sink.
"I'm afraid not, Wimkil. He's away on business. He'll return before break ends, but not before Christmas." She said, walking with me through the hallways until we had to go separate ways. "Sarah, if you need to talk to someone- I do not pretend to have nearly the same intellectual capacity as Professor Dumbledore, but I may be able to help." She said kindly. I took a deep breath before answering.
"Thank you for the offer, Professor, but I'll be alright. Thanks again." She let me go then, and I trudged back to Gryffindor Tower, a million thoughts running through my head. Deciding to keep what had just happened a secret (why make Hermione worry more?), I ducked back into the Common Room and promised myself that I'd cheer up and enjoy myself over Christmas, like I had been before Slughorn's party. Two days before Christmas, I sent Christmas gifts to the Weasley's, a special one to Ron, and one to Harry. For the Weasley's as a whole, I'd gotten them flowers that I'd charmed to change colors and never die if they were watered everyday. They looked like they were made out of blown glass, my favorite kind. For Ron, I'd gotten him a wand polishing and restoration kit after I'd seen him pulling his wand out of his shoe. Sometimes I wondered about him- if he would ever treat his wands well. (This wonder was sparked by hearing the story of him snapping his wand in half second year after crashing into the Whomping Willow in an enchanted flying car.) For Harry, I'd gotten him a miniature Foe Glass, a tribute to Dumbledore's Army and how I'd found the Foe Glass in the Room of Requirement creepy.
Christmas dawned before I knew it, and Hermione and I had our own quiet celebration. She'd planned ahead and gotten me a birthday gift too- a book on the history of Azkaban and a wide, gorgeous and intricately beaded bracelet that had chevron patterns in it to hide the mark. From Mrs. Weasley, I got a hand knitted sweater in lilac and some delicious pies. Ron gave me, surprisingly, a book on how Pensive's worked. What hurt the most was a book from Harry on the history of Death Eaters. It was extensive, and must have cost a pretty penny. Worst of all, the first chapter was on how to identify a Death Eater. I was sure that he hadn't gotten it for me based on that, but it stung all the same. Shortly after, Hermione left for Hogsmade to meet up with her parents, and she wouldn't be back until the 28th, giving me time to brood around. On the 27th, I went to the Great Hall and took my Apparition test and got my license. I didn't write to my parents, and they didn't write or send a Christmas Gift, even though I'd bewitched the labels on Honeydukes chocolate fudge to a different, Muggle kind and sent it to them. The rest of the time I read the book from Harry in front of the Common Room fire, trying to force away my guilt before it consumed me whole.