AN: And, after a break, and some complete R&R last week in San Diego where I didn't have to take care of even a cat much less kids or clients, I am on my writing streak again! And of course, we are at the point in the series where they have humor episodes barely related to the main plot. I did not trust myself to do these the first time I posted this, so these are untried stories. Hopefully they will amuse! If not, the main plot will resume in chapter 18. Enjoy!
Lina continued to stare at the map as the waitress poured Gourry a large glass of orange juice. But before anyone watching could accuse her of ignoring the platter of bacon set before her, though, her free hand darted out and grabbed a handful and shoved it into her mouth and chewed delightedly as she considered the map.
"If you ask me, we should probably stay in Akon tonight." Amelia said between bites of pancake.
"Akon?" Lina asked as she swallowed her bacon, "But If I'm reading this correctly, we should get there way before the sun sets. And it doesn't look as though Rios is so far away that we can't get there by nightfall."
"Yeah," Amelia agreed, "But I've heard a lot of interesting things about Akon."
"Interesting?" Zelgadis asked. "Like what?"
But before Amelia could answer, Gourry knocked over his glass of orange juice. "Gourry!" Lina screeched as she managed to constrain herself from ringing his neck, but only because she needed both hands to save the precious bacon from the orange flood headed its way. "Save the food!" Lina cried as Amelia moved the pancakes while Scarlet sipped her tea and shook her head and, along with Zelgadis, did her best to pretend she didn't know them.
Once the waitress came by to mop up the juice Lina fumed, "Dammit, Gourry, you have been so clumsy lately!"
"I know." Gourry said, "I'm not sure what's gotten into me."
"Jitters about going home, perhaps?" Zelgadis asked.
Gourry sent Zelgadis a look that was unusual in its hostility. Lina piped in, "You don't have to go, I mean, we can meet up with you…"
"I'm going." Gourry said, "It'll be fine."
"It's more reason to stay in Akon for a night." Amelia said, "You and Miss Lina can have a nice outing. See a play…"
"A play?" Lina repeated, "Gourry would fall asleep in five minutes! Think of the money we'd waste!"
"Hm, well I'm sure there's a sports event or something." Amelia said as she checked the guide book, "Oh look! They have brass rackets tournaments here!"
Lina looked at her out of the corner of her eye, "You're being even pushier than usual."
Amelia folded her arms across her chest, "I don't know what you're talking about." Then Amelia smiled, "But I will buy you tickets to the brass rackets tournament."
"Really!?" Lina exclaimed, "It's a deal then!"
"Hey Lina, I thought that the brass rackets stadium was that way." Gourry said.
"I know." Lina said as she continued doggedly in the direction she was headed in.
"Then why are we going this way?" he asked as she ducked into an alley where she had a good view of the inn they had checked in at.
"Because Amelia is up to something, and I want to find out what!" Lina said.
"Oh." Gourry said as he deliberately kept his voice neutral.
"Keep back, and keep quiet." Lina said as she craned her head to get a better view of the inn. Fortunately they didn't have to wait long. Soon Amelia was leaving the inn. Apparently Zelgadis, Scarlet and Xellos couldn't be bothered to come with her.
"There she is." Lina said, "Remember, keep quiet!"
Gourry nodded as they took after Amelia, keeping just enough behind to ensure that they weren't spotted, but to also make sure that they didn't lose her. Eventually they saw Amelia run into a building, and they moved to get a better look. Lina frowned when she saw it, as Gourry looked on cluelessly as she read, "The Gourrina Shrine of Eternal Love and Justice?"
"What's a Gourrina Shrine of Eternal Love and Justice?" Gourry asked.
Lina's brows knitted together, "I have a very bad feeling about this."
But her eyes set as she walked to the shrine and Gourry followed her. "Lina, look!" he said as he pointed at the door handles. The one on the left was sculpted into a stylized representation of Gourry, while the one on the right was a sculpted version of Lina, and between their hands they held a large heart. "Oh boy." Lina said.
She put her hand on the handle and opened the door, and her eyes immediately fell on a large oversized painting of her and Gourry locked in a passionate embrace. "Um, Lina, why…"
"Oh, when we find Amelia, there will be some explaining." Lina said as she cracked her knuckles while Gourry stared at the painting contemplatively.
"You have to admit, though, I look pretty good."
"Don't even!" Lina snapped as she took off down the hallway, which was adorned with more paintings of various quality and styles. Some were amazingly well done and life like, but the vastly different styles of drawing led Lina to the conclusion that the works of several different artists were being featured. Others looked like child doodles, and the only way Lina could tell who was supposed to be who was by the shock of red hair on one body, and the long blonde hair on the other. But what really perturbed Lina was that the further the hallway went, the steamier the pictures grew, evolving from tame pictures of them cuddling and having a picnic together, to passionate embraces, to one of Lina exploring the chest of a shirtless Gourry to…
"Hey!" Gourry said as he pointed at one painting in dismay, his hair standing on end, "Artists really shouldn't be drawing that!"
"S-someone…" Lina stuttered as she turned beat red, "D-drew me naked! Oh that's it, this shrine is going to fry!"
"But you gotta admit, they upped you a few cup sizes. You look pretty good."
"They imagined and drew my naked chest!" Lina screamed as she wrapped her arms around herself. "This calls for severe punishment! And besides, they didn't overemphasize my chest at all! And you know what's scary? How accurate they got you down. You don't think someone's been peeping?"
"I would know if someone's been following us!" Gourry cried indignantly, "And besides, that looks nothing like me."
"You know what makes this even worse?" Lina said as her blush deepened, "Amelia's seen this!"
"Wait, look here." Gourry said as he pointed to the door, "The Library?"
"Oh, this is going to be bad." Lina said as she charged through and found row upon row of shelves upon which cheaply bound paper manuscripts were stacked.
"It looks like they're grouped by different authors." Lina said as she picked up a work written by someone named Lady of Mystery and turned crimson as she yelled, "Why are people writing about my sex life!?"
"Let me see!" Gourry said as he moved beside her and looked at the manuscript, "Well, that's…inventive."
"You're not…" Lina said.
"All I said was 'inventive.'"
"Gourry!"
"Whoa, the grammar on this one is making my headache!" Gourry said as he flipped through another work.
"It must be bad if you're complaining about it!" Lina said as she glanced at it. "Wow, I didn't know you could change tenses so many times. And in one sentence!"
"Now that is something I would never say!" Gourry said.
Lina looked at what he was pointing at and laughed, "And I would never go swooning into your arms if you did! Really! What kind of helpless damsel do they take me for! I'd be kicking your ass to the curb if you did that!"
Lina picked up another manuscript, "Wow, either a five year old wrote this, or someone needs to invest more in writing schools."
"Hey, this one isn't bad!" Gourry said.
"You're actually enjoying reading a story someone wrote about our romantic lives?" Lina asked.
Gourry blushed, "Shh, I think I hear Amelia! This way."
Lina followed Gourry, and soon she could discern the sounds of Amelia's voice echoing through the walls. As they got closer, Lina could actually make out what she was saying.
"'Oh Gourry!' Lina breathed through sultry parted lips, 'It shouldn't have taken you dying in such an unjust manner and being sent to the underworld, and fighting and killing that nasty, evil devil to return to me by the power of justice to make me realize how much I love you!'
"'Oh Lina!' Gourry said as he stroked her cheek, 'You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that!'
"Angels playing harps surrounded them, serenading them with a song about love and justice as their lips met, finally, these warriors of justice, acknowledging their love before the heavens!"
Amelia took a breath as Lina kicked open the door, and found that Amelia was standing before a podium in a room filled with more paintings and even some sculptures and, what's more, people listening in rapt attendance. Some fifty of them.
"What is this?" Lina asked as Amelia jumped.
Amelia smiled nervously, "Oh look, everyone, it's the real Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev!"
Lina wasn't sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn't for the room to explode in enthusiastic applause. Lina was used to being feared and insulted and run out of town by mobs furious that their homes had been destroyed. She wasn't used to being surrounded by rapturous adoration.
One tall, broad shouldered woman ran forward and clasped Lina's hand, "I am like your biggest fan! Ever since you cast that Giga Slave…"
"Wait a minute!" Another woman with dark hair said as she cut in, "I'm the biggest fan!"
"No, I am!" Another cut in.
"Tell me, when are you going to marry him?" the first woman asked again. "I mean, we really need to make this official, so we can shove it in the face of those at the Zelina Shrine."
"The what?" Lina asked stupidly and feeling overwhelmed.
"People who think you'd be better off with Zelgadis." One of the women explained.
"Zel!?" Lina asked, mystified. "Wait a minute, does this mean that there is a shrine filled with art and stories about me and Zel!?"
"We'll help you burn it down!" One of the few men in the group said.
"Oh come now, it's not the Zel Lina people who bother me. It's the people who think Lina should be with Xellos. I mean, our heroine with an evil monster? The very idea!" the tall woman said.
Lina turned blue, "Me and Xellos? What? Why are people writing stories about me and my love life?"
"Oh, it's not just you." One of the woman said, "The people who think Gourry and Zelgadis should be together have a small shrine."
"What!?" Gourry screamed in dismay, "But…but I'm straight! Very straight!"
"How long did it take you to get Lina?" Someone said. "People wondered."
"And then there are the three ways. Lina, Zel, and Gourry!" someone added. "It has a small but ardent following."
"I did not need to know that." Lina buried her face in her hands as embarrassment coursed through her, "Amelia," she asked dangerously, "Why are people building shrines devoted to my love life?"
"Oh, um, well." Amelia said as she wiggled her foot nervously, "You see, in Seyruun I would often tell people about our exploits. Lectures halls full of them. And, I may have said a few things about how just and pure your love is. And, well, the people really loved it. I mean, they always wanted to hear more. So I started making up stories and, well, writing them, and other people started writing as well, and the stories started circulating outside of Seyruun. And they became very popular, and people built shrines. And I knew that Akon had a big one dedicated to your love, so I felt obligated to pay them a personal visit. I just finished telling them the story about how you two finally admitted your love for each other, and I was just reading the latest chapter in my 50 part story about how Mr. Gourry triumphs over death…"
Lina raised her hand, "I get the picture."
But before Lina could say anything, Scarlet walked in looking winded, "So sorry I'm late, but I just finished a new sculpture and I couldn't wait to show the group…Amelia? Lina?"
Scarlet turned uncharacteristically red as Lina's draw dropped while Amelia smiled, "Oh! So you must be SorceressandSwordmanDevotee! I thought it was a strange coincidence that we were both here on the same night!"
Scarlet looked away as she took a deep breath, "Well, about that…LinaAndGourry4EverInJusticeFanGrrl…"
"Looks like our secret is out!"
Scarlet shook her head, "I don't know how I shall ever live this down."
"Just keep that blanket over that sculpture. We don't want to see it." Lina said as she wondered how she was going to face the group at breakfast.
"Yes we do!" the group shouted, and one of the fans pulled the blanket off.
Gourry blinked at it, and all Lina could think of was the statues of the ancient gods in interesting positions. But then, what would you expect from an archeologist? But then to their horror they heard footsteps down the hallway.
"There you are!" Zelgadis said as he was followed by Xellos, "I realized I was alone at the inn with him and wondered where everyone went."
He scanned the scene and his eyes fell on the sculpture and he averted his eyes as he blushed, "I must say, I nearly turned around when I saw the deco."
"Oh, I know!" the dark haired woman said, "We should take Zel and Amelia to the shrine celebrating their love!"
"Our what!?" Zelgadis asked as his voice raised several octaves while Amelia blushed crimson. "You mean, there's a shrine like this one, but with me and Amelia?"
"Yes indeedy." The woman said as she smiled.
"And works about us…being together?" Zelgadis said with a gulp.
"There sure is!"
"In an intimate manner!?"
"Oh, don't worry Mr. Zelgadis." Amelia babbled, "I mean, everyone gets paired with everyone else. Even you and Mr. Gourry have a shrine dedicate to your love…"
"Gourry and I have a shrine dedicated to our what!?" Zelgadis shrieked.
"But the shrine dedicated to your love with Xellos is way more popular." A smaller woman said. "It's actually my favorite."'
Lina smothered her giggle behind her hand as Zelgadis turned purple. Xellos, meanwhile, put a gentle hand on Zelgadis's shoulder as he whispered, "My darling…"
"Don't you even!" Zelgadis shrieked as he jumped a mile. "I mean, what love between me and Xellos? I loath him!"
"Well, you know what they say about the boundary between love and hate…" she replied.
"Oh Zelgadis, let's not fight it anymore!" Xellos said.
"Don't you dare!" Zelgadis screamed, "Where is this shrine? I'm going to burn it to the ground!"
"In that case, I'll never tell."
"It's three blocks down." The man said, "Come on! Zel and Amelia rule! All unorthodox pairings must be destroyed."
Zelgadis walked to the man and clasped his shoulder, "Will you join me in eradicating this shrine from the face of the earth?"
The man nodded.
"No! Please!" the woman protested as a few other people got up to join Zelgadis.
"This way!" Zelgadis left with a small contingent of people while Xellos stared at the statue.
"I must say, Gourry, you are…"
"I don't want to hear it." Gourry said as he folded his arms across his chest.
"But the detail to your chest…"
"Please, stop." Scarlet said as she buried her face in her hands.
"I must say, Scarlet, with your eye for detail you didn't get the six pack quite right."
Lina lifted her sleeve and punched Xellos across his smug face, "We said shut up!"
"Do you really think that will work?" Scarlet said, "Oh, goodness, this is completely mortifying."
"Just…how long has this been going on?"
"Do you really want to know?" Scarlet asked.
"I guess not." Lina agreed.
"Lina, Gourry!" one of the fans said as she came up to them, holding a crudely drawn picture of them holding hands, "Could you sign this please? Both of you?"
"Um…" Lina stuttered as the girl's eyes grew wide.
"You don't like it?" she wailed.
"Here!" Gourry said as he grabbed a pen and signed it, "It's very pretty!"
Lina looked at him in astonishment. "What?" he murmured to her, "I couldn't let her go on crying like that!"
"You and your soft heart." She said with a sigh as she signed it.
It was the wrong thing to do. Soon they were inundated with the requests from the creators to have their works signed. Some even asked for feedback. One of the writer's even wanted to know extremely personal details such as smells, style, and underwear preference to make sure her work was as authentic as possible.
As they walked home in awkward silence, Lina sighed in frustration. "What?" Gourry asked.
"It's just, dammit, we should have charged for our autographs! Five gold pieces a signature! Think of all the dough we could have raked in!"
"Lina!" he exclaimed in astonishment, "You're thinking about a wasted business opportunity after finding that people are writing and illustrating our love life?"
Lina waved a hand dismissively, "They're going to do it either way, even if we burned it down they'd be up bright and early the next morning to rebuild. We might as well profit from it."
"But it doesn't disturb you that people are thinking about…"
"Don't." Lina said. "Just think of the money. The pretty money. Ooo! If we get married I bet we could get them to foot the bill for a lavish ceremony!"
"Married?" Gourry asked as Lina blushed.
"Um, I got ahead of myself."
Amelia sighed in ecstasy, and both turned around, "Can it!"
When they got to the inn, they found Zelgadis waiting at a table looking disgruntled, flanked by a chipper looking Xellos. "So, is the shrine destroyed?" Lina asked.
Zelgadis shook his head, "The proprietor of the shrine was still a kid. With big, pleading eyes. I just couldn't."
"Aww, see, you do have a heart!" Amelia said.
"Oh please." Xellos said, "You know he just couldn't bear to see our love go in flame."
"I know! Let's sing a song about the love we have for each other!" Amelia said.
"And on that note, I'll be heading to bed!" Xellos said as he disappeared up the stairs in record time.
"Thanks Amelia." Zelgadis said as he cradled his head in his hands. "So, does anyone have any idea how much I'm going to have to drink to erase this night from my memory?"
"It could be worse." Lina said, "I mean, they could be writing stories about how horrible and ugly I am. This is much better actually."
"I'm just glad to hear you're not mad Miss Lina!" Amelia said, relief evident in her voice.
Lina's eyes narrowed, "We're still going to have a talk."
Amelia made a strange gurgling sound as she turned blue, "Um, uncle!"
"Wow, that's a record." Gourry said.
"I'm going to bed." Scarlet said as she made for the stairs, "Please, don't think too poorly of me. Even people like me need an outlet for creativity."
"But you know us!" Lina yelled. "I mean, it's icky!"
Scarlet closed her eyes in embarrassment, "Night."
"I'm going to find a bar." Zelgadis said as he exited the door. Amelia shifted nervously.
"I guess I'd better go up."
"Not so fast." Lina said, "We still have lots to discuss."
"Oh?" Amelia said nervously as she froze.
"First thing, should we go with a membership fee, or a fee per viewing? Also. I'm thinking of assessing a fee for everyone who contributes a work to the shrine, or any shrine bearing my likeness."
Gourry's jaw dropped. "You're wanting to profit from this?"
"Miss Lina!" Amelia protested, "This is expression! Not a business opportunity!"
Lina shrugged, "Hey! If people are going to use my image to release their creative energies, I'd better profit from it!"
Gourry shook his head as Lina's eyes lighted up, "Ooo, we should have some sort of concessions. I know! We'll make up a menu with our favorite foods and the shrine can sell them!"
"Oh, this is a bad idea!" Amelia moaned as Lina laughed manically as visions of moneybag danced before her eyes.