Chapter 13 - Eisenwald? More like Gay

Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!

As she readied up the shot glasses, I turned back towards the carnage, half the hall was down to splinters and there were holes in the wall that were 101% not there when I entered. Jesus bloody Christ. Seriously, who pays for this? There was no way they are insured because they would get denied any sort of coverage due to their destructive history. Somebody was probably rich as bloody hell in the guild. Maybe it was Gildarts? I mean, if he went on S-class and 10-year quests regularly he's sure to bring in a couple million right? That has to be it otherwise these guys would be bankrupt before canon even started.

*Plop, clink! X24

Twenty-four shot glasses filled with vodka were all lined up in front of me. Instead of drinking them one by one like some fucking pussy, I grabbed all of them because I was secretly a radioactive octopus, downed all the vodka including the shot glasses, in a single second.

I could only smile in satisfaction as I saw the look of horror on the white-haired girl's face.

Oh yeah then I barfed all over her face because my liver exploded.

"T-the name's Ryu, Kai Ryu, but you can call me… Caillou, the little boy."

Mirajane simply deadpanned at me, as if completely expecting my answer…

"Is your name really Kai?"

Oh shit, does she know of my DECEPTION!?

"Alright, you got me, how did you know it wasn't my name?" The white-haired maiden simply perked up in thought, pondering her almost-obvious answer.

"Well, we already have 12 Kai's, and 8 of them actually had different names and were mentally insane."

Insane?

"Oh? How so?" This was getting interesting! Not only are there more OC's for me to BLOODY MURDER, but 8 of them were SIOC's? I can't wait to use the power of memes and lackluster writing to blast them straight to Detroit.

"They think they're from a different world and we're all book characters or something… " The girl trailed off. "Oh but don't worry! They are safely strapped in an asylum where they will spend the rest of their days!"

"HA!" My sudden laughter made everyone's neck violently turn towards me.

*Crack

"ARGH, MY FOCKING NECK MATE."

Sucks to be you, ya smelly virgin.

"Not going to lie, that's almost as funny as pushing people into fountains while wearing a horse mask."

The barmaid simply stared at me, her expression seemingly vacant despite her everlasting smile.

"THAT WAS YOU?!"

Just as she was about to jump me, a familiar scarlet-haired girl burst through the guild doors.

"OH SHIT IT'S ERZA!" I looked towards the voice, seeing Natsu and Gray with Lucy standing near.

Wait were they there the whole time? The fuck happened to Hakobe and the mansion job?

Well not going to complain, those arcs are always the most fucking annoying to read through in OC fics. Just like… the DREADED WAVE ARC, GOD NO PLEASE, MY EYEEESS.

She went on and on about stupid shit for a good five minutes before finally getting to the people around me.

"… Jesus Christ women how can you expect to get a goddamned husband if you won't shut the fuck up." I muttered to the people surrounding me, only for Mirajane to nod and reply.

"I think of that question too… " I see all that bubbly kindness didn't replace her sass.

"That armour is probably to protect her ever-following virginity." Mirajane looked distraught at my comment, shifting closer for a whisper.

"I would normally agree, but after she found that poor blue-haired boy, she's probably the furthest thing from a virgin… "

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Kill yourself." My nonchalant reply only served to increase the fury directed at my being.

"That tone of voice, those 'memes', YOU ARE THE ONE FROM ALL THOSE YEARS AGO!"

Oh shit she remembers, wait I thought I married 4 Fairy Tail girls, oh thank god I probably changed my face.

"…"

"Out of curiousity, what did you do to Jellal?" It was as if the world itself changed. Everyone turned one by one towards me, shock plastered on their faces. Is this where it's supposed to do that screen splitting thing? Holy shit that looks retarded in retrospect.

"YOU JUST POKED THE WASP NEST, EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT."

All of a sudden, her face, which was one of anger, suddenly contorted to the most disturbing, disgusting, demented, demon-like, and other descriptive-words-beginning-with-d rape face I have ever seen.

"You know what, don't tell me, I really don't need to know." Great now I feel bad for Jellal.

I proceeded to get on the fuck outta this place before leaving one last remark.

"Just go stomp Eisenwald already." I walked towards the exit, but not before hearing the obsessive muttering from the redhead.

"… then I plunged it deep inside, for eight hours straight I rode, he was drier than the even the driest of deserts when I…"

JESUS CHRIST, I did NOT expect this, at all, I mean, who would have thought she had in in her? If Jellal is still in the world of the living maybe I should give him a gift basket or something - one filled with beauty products he can't use… hehe.

It seems that this was a reoccurring thing considering half the guild proceeded to run outside as well.

TIME SKIP 1 HOUR CAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT.

Okay, after pulling out my laptop to watch some good old trap hentai for one hour straight, the familiar team Natsu finally fucked off to whatever train station to combat Eisenwald.

Time to follow them and make another grand entrance…

I put my fingers together like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons does and laughed manically into a happy sunset. Bet you thought it was going to be a storm weren't you? Well I can't control the weather you fucking idealistic swine.

Anyways I just skipped right past the station itself and went straight to where Natsu was supposed to fight Erigor.

What is that?

There was a group of ninety-something people literally just waiting on the tracks.

"What's this fiesta shit for?"

One of the… rainbow-haired dual-coloured-eyes looked at me.

"Oh! We are all waiting for Natsu and Erigor so we can fight with him!"

Wait… rainbow-haired…

WAIT… heterochromia…

"NOW HOLD ON A SECOND HERE!" These guys are all FUCKING OC'S!

I had to make sure, if this is truly happening.

"WHO HERE IS AN ICE DRAGON SLAYER."

"Me," "I AM," "I am, bub." "Yeah, what's it to ya?" "I am an Ice Dragon Slayer!" "COME HERE AND FIGHT ME."

A series of confirmations introduced to me the list of generic OC personalities, shy girl, loud and dumb guy, emo faggot, oblivious lovable idiot, Natsu copy. Jesus Christ. I bet they are all licensed therapists too.

ALL OF THEM, ARE ICE DRAGON SLAYERS.

"WHAT'S YOUR DRAGON NAMES?"

"Nexus!" "Glacia!" "Icia!" "Ice Dragon King: Cryos!" "Frozo!" "Viserion!"

And all the dragon names! All fucking puns of ice, and a goddamned Game of Thrones rip off as well.

Okay, I can't let this pass.

"HEY LOOK IT'S AN ICE DRAGON IN THE SKY!" I threw my finger towards the air.

Every single fucking girl, boy, half-demon, hermaphrodite, or whatever the fuck looked at where I pointed, giving me enough time to warp them all into the bowels of hell with Kamui.

*Zoop

The world… has been cleansed.

"Who the fuck are you?" A voice from the sky caught my attention.

I turned around to face the ugly son of a bitch. Erigor…

"Train inspector, I'm making sure the integrity of the tracks are kept, you mind dying in a ditch somewhere? You are impeding my work."

Grunting, Erigor landed in front of me, a sadistic smile on his face. Of course, I didn't give him a chance to monologue some new-age crystal shit as I punted him straight in the nut sac.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ZI PENYA." The Lion King suddenly started playing in tandem to Erigor's scream of agony.

And everything turned out all right.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 13 Done! Next Chapter: A Canonical Cacophony

Make sure you guys check out my other stories!

Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!

[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]

[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]

[Chef Ramsay]

[A God's Redemption]

[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]

Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!

Minipa, out!