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This appeared to be the fourth transcript regarding what Arthur Kirkland called 'A Weekend in a Haunted Castle'.
It appeared that much of the dialogue uttered directly into the Dictaphone in this transcript was by someone Arthur Kirkland called 'Russia', 'Ivan' and occasionally 'commie bastard' by Arthur's friend, Alfred. At times the dialogue was untranslatable by the transcriber due to high static interference and the possibility that 'Ivan' held the Dictaphone totally enclosed in his hand or in a pocket.
As before all dialogue not in italics can be assumed to be Arthur's, the dialogue in italics is by person or persons unknown
Arthur Kirkland's Diary – Weekend in a Haunted Castle Part IV
I will take care of you, little Diane, you will come with me in my pocket.. mmmffmmfmfmf
(sounds of Russian singing)
Russia! Mmmmffmmfmf out.
Da, I know that...
Little fairy won't bloody hear you if she's in your coat pocket.
You need to calm down, England. There is no need to shout, da?
I think we need to convene a meeting.
Oh for heaven's sake...
Da, I agree with Mr Amerika.
You do?
Da, he makes me laugh. His big mouth fascinates me, Diane. Mr Amerika has the biggest mouth I have ever seen. I have never seen anybody put so many things in that mouth... (incomprehensive Russian follows)
Russia, you have to talk in English to the fairy.
She is an English fairy, da?
Da... I mean er yes.
Right who's left...
What do you mean who's left? Are you implying that some more of us are going to disappear? What the bloody hell?
Dude, it's survival of the fittest. Dude Austria you can stop playing that ancient classical shit now.
(sound of piano keys crashing)
I miss Luddy... ve.
We all do, dude Wop, we all do.
You can't call him that...
I can't call him a dude? Well, I s'pose...
No a Wop...
I do not miss Mr Germany, nyet... (whispers) Diane, I do not like Mr Germany... he invaded my beloved Motherland many years ago. He shouts a lot as well. I do not like his brother... he makes fun of me and prank-calls me. He rang me once and asked me for somebody called Al Coholic and then someone call Hugh Jass... I do not understand, Diane, but he kept laughing at me until I told him that I would come over and visit Berlin again and make it Berlingrad and then... (undecipherable Russian) silly Yankee American is talking again. He is very silly, Diane, he thinks he is Rumbo, Dumbo...
Rambo... look Russia, if you're going to just diss us to Diane then I'm taking her off you.
Nyet, I will fight you for her... she is mine and she belongs to me, da.
Erm, okay, chap, no need to er... you can put that pipe down...
Okay I've a got a plan!
Dear Lord, here we go... I suppose it involves a machine gun, lots of shouting, running around in vest-tops and crawling through tunnels, does it?
Hey! How did you know?
Dear Lord...
We need to do something. My husband has gone missing. Germany is gone, Prussia...
Kolkolkol
Put a sock in it, Ivan...
Den, Switzerland...
I think we all see a pattern here.
We do?
Of course.
Vaht is it then, Herr England?
You can cut the Kraut stuff, Austria, I'm about to tell you...
They're all blond!
Ve, so I am okay and fratello and Big Brother Spain is okay.
No, you fools... it's the biggest ones going... the toughest... Sweden, Germany, Switzerland, even Denmark and Prussia... they can all hold their own in a fight.
Hey, dude what about me?
Da, and me? You are saying I cannot fight, England?
Nope, but I think you two should be worried. I think someone's making a point. What do you do at the start of any battle, Russia?
I drink my vodka, then I eat my borscht, then I polish Mr Pipe and then I get in my aeroplane. Yao told me not to jump without a parachute, but snow is very good to land on, nyet? It was just that one time when I hurt myself... but the twenty times before I did not hurt myself... I do not know why my soldiers bothered with parachutes, they are very clumsy... and then I kill lots and lots and lots of Germans and sometimes... Italians, da.
Ve, Mr Austria...
... and Austrians... I do not like Austrians also... Vienna is very nice, da?
Vaht? The war has been over for sixty years...
Dear Lord, what I meant was...
Well I get myself a Sherman and a good troop of fellers and a machine-gun – a Howitzer as well and then I eat my burgers ... lots of cigarettes help as well. Sometimes I check my map and make sure I am where I'm supposed to be... sometimes you get lost. France is a big country...
Mon dieu...
I saved your French ass, dude, in 1944.
Well, I of course, make sure my hair looks fabulous. I check myself in my mirror and make sure I look gorgeous in case I am captured or I have to retreat, non? Then I spread lots of rumours, non? I drink my wine and then I spread l'amour.
Dear God. You spread enough amour amongst our troops – poor buggers.
Ve, I make lots of white flags...drink, eat and go to bed like an Italian...
I mean, you bloody fools, at the start of a battle you take out your biggest threat...
Ooooh.
Si...
So why haven't they come for me and Ivan dude?
I have no bloody idea... unless it's one of you?
Nyet... (whispers) I do not like Mr England, Diane. Whenever I have tried to move south he has stopped me. I only wanted a warm water harbour... he does not like me. I think he is afraid of me, and he is friends with Amerika. But he is usually right, but sometimes I wish he wasn't right. But I like his sister, she is very nice and does not laugh at me.
Right I think we should stick together in groups, leave Austria here with the girlies and that weird guy.
You mean Scotland.
Whatever... me, Francy-pants and Tony dude are going to back down that cellar and check it out, properly with torches and stuff and my rifle here.
That's my bruder's rifle.
Whatever Lily chick, it belongs to the Hero now. We're called Alpha Group 1, woof!
What the bloody hell?
You, Arthur can take the two snivelling Wops, commie dude and Finnishland and check out the grounds where Germany got wasted.
Wasted? How do you know he was even... he might have gone for help.
How do we know he is wasted... Mr Germany is a good soldier...
Da, he is probably very dead already.
And what do you know about it?
You can be called... Beta Group.
Why the bloody hell?
I do not like this name, nyet. It should be ... (rapid Russian is heard) Spetsnaz.
What about Winter War Sniper Group?
We do not have sniper rifles, little Finland... not good, nyet... (unintelligible Russian) Wolf Spetsnaz, da.
Nope, I decided you're Beta Group B.
How come you get Spain and France – and I get the idiot brothers and the nutcase? Granted I get Finland, but he hasn't got his rifle.
Or my Santa suit.
Oh his Santa... what?
Hey, dude. It's not all paradise... I got France's wandering hands to keep off my ass. And you and Tony dude will fight and you and Francy-pants will just make out.
We will not! I resent that remark!
You miss me, mon Angleterre?
You can shut the bloody hell up, you French...
Look after him for me, Le Russie?
Da, I will... they will all be fine with me... I like the Italies.
Oh fratello, I'm scared... I want Luddy back...
Get off me... you stink of garlic... and why is there pasta in your pocket? Put that white flag down...
Okay, right... let's get this over and done with. Come on and we'll take a look outside... Alfred we'll meet you back here at 20:00.
Eh?
Twenty hundred hours... oh God, eight pm.
Oh right... hell yeah!
Mon Dieu... do I have to be under the command of an American?
Better suck it up, dude... I saved your ass before – twice...
Erm... Alfred?
Yup?
Don't forget to wake up Antonio.
Tony dude, come on...
Right chappies, quick march... one, two, left, right... oh okay... I see... Stop crying Italy... Romano have a word with your brother...
I donta care... he is stupido...
If you don't bloody do as you're told I'll put you with France.
Argh!
Bloody hell, Russia, aren't we all supposed to stick together?
I do not take orders from Amerika, or you England.
Right, let's see if there's any clues... the car jack's still here where he was about to change that tyre... stop snivelling Italy...
(Arthur's voice fades)
(Sounds of humming and singing in Russian) Lalalalala. Privet? Privet? Mr Germany... come out, come out wherever you are ... da... Mr Pipe will not hurt you... this is not the war... this is not the war... (sounds of giggling). Diane, I am going to have my vodka because it makes me very strong and fast ... lalalalala. (sounds of gulping) One day, little Diane I will take you to Moscow and Lening.. St Petersburg... you will like it in my country. But it is very cold... but I will look after you in my pocket. One day my Baltics will come back to me and we will all live together in my house again. I miss my little Baltics. I miss Toris' cooking and I miss my Estonia who is very weird and he used to do my paperwork and I miss little Latvia... Hummmmm... lalalala. One day everyone will be Russian, little Diane, Mr England, Mr America, Mr Germany... even though they don't know it yet... lalalalala. Oooh this is pretty, pretty flowers... but no sunflowers, that makes me sad..
(sounds of a woman screaming)
Ooooh if that is Erin, I will rip someone's head off. If anyone has hurt her... I am not happy, Diane.
Russia! Ivan! Where the bloody hell...
Da, I am here... who is screaming... is it Italy? You look very pale, Mr Italy.
I don't know... it sounded like Lily or Erin... Austria's piano has stopped.
Oooooh that is bad.
S..s...si.
Hold me, fratello.
I am going to sort them out, da. If anyone has hurt little Erin or little Lily they will find Mr Pipe shoved... (unintelligible Russian)...
(sounds of crashing)
Bloody hell, Ivan, you could have just opened the bloody door!
Erin! Little Lily! What is wrong?
Mein gott! I am glad you are here, Mr Russia, we heard the most awful sound coming from those stairs... like some kind of animal... a growling beast... I went to look but...
But you are a coward, nyet?
Nein, I will not stand for that.
Da, you are... never mind. I will see.. no beast will scare me and Mr Pipe.
But America, France and Spain are up those stairs... we heard an awful crash and a terrible scream and a growling.
Growling? What the hell? Where the hell is he going? Russia! Don't go up there on your own... why the bloody hell...
Oh no, Arthur, go after him... poor Vanya, he'll get hurt.
Are you bloody joking? It's bloody funny that he was nowhere to be seen when all this carried on... big bloody idiot.
Russia! Wait for me... is Alfred okay? Can you see anything?
Da, I can... it is Spain snoring... why is he asleep... oh no he is unconscious... I think... I cannot see Mr Amerika or Mr France...
Alfred! Francis! I bet they're in a flipping bathroom.
They were the screams of a desperate man... ja.
Exactly, I would bloody scream if I were in a bathroom with Francis.
Da, I think there is a secret passageway.
(sounds of metal on plaster)
Well, is that really going to help – smashing the place up? I mean we're going to get charged for this.
Ve vill? This is nothing to do wit me, vy should I pay for damages, ja?
Put a sock in it, Austria.
Da, here... I think there is a hole in this wall...
Well, there bloody well is now, isn't there?
Da. I like holes.
Is my husband there?
In this hole? Nyet.
Nooo I didn't mean... If I don't get my husband back by Christmas I will not be able to do my Santa rounds.
Nyet, that is not good... oh Diane... I like Santa, he brings me vodka and sometimes a new Mr Pipe... Mr England, tell him that Santa should still come.
Oh dear Lord, Finland, we'll find your husband...
Right, we'll check all the rooms. Antonio... Antonio... he's out cold... a blow to the back of the head. Where were you, Russia?
In the garden, da. It was pretty, da?
It couldn't be him, he would have had to go past us, to get up here, ja. Lily, Erin and myself were in the drawing room and ve would have seen him.
This is downright bloody creepy. And will somebody tell those idiot brothers to stop bloody crying?
I will go and tell them that if they keep crying, Santa will not visit them.
Thank you, Tino... I mean bloody hell...
Stop swearing, da. It is not good.
Yes, but who on earth would abduct Francis? Who in their right mind...
Da, I agree with England... I am going to check these rooms...
(sounds of crashing)
(shouting) You don't have to break down all the bloody doors! Bloody hell, Russia! Stop smashing the furniture up. We'll have to pay for that... That was an antique painting...
Da. Capitalism is very bad. Possessions are a form of theft.
Put that pipe down.
Nyet.
Oh, okay.
There is nobody else up here, just you, me and Austria...
Why is that just creeping me out?
Ja, und me.
Right, downstairs back to the girls... Erin, Lily are you okay?
Oh Mr England, I'm so scared...
Don't worry, Lily, I'm here.
Oh Mr Austria, you're so kind..
Papa Austria...
Nein, ich bin nicht... oh...I give up.
Arthur, what's going on? The lights kept flickering and when we heard the screams... I don't know... Oh Vanya, I'm so glad you're alright... oh did you hurt your hand? Oh... poor Vanya...
Bloody hell, Erin, he hurt his bloody hand smashing in a bloody wall.
You should stop swearing, Arthur. So Alfred's gone and Francis? What's happened to Antonio?
Bloody hell, come on Ivan, help me get him.
Da, I will carry him... he does not weigh much... humph... little Spaniard is very funny when he is asleep, da?
Is Hamish still out of it?
Yes, it'll be a few hours before he comes around. I've seen this before. He shouldn't drink whisky with irn bru... he thinks he can take it...
So, Alfred is gone, and Francis... I fear for the poor bloody soul who's taken him. So there's just me, Ivan, you Erin, Lily, Austria, the two Italies, Finland, Hamish is out for the count, Antonio is out of it... Right, it's dark now. I suggest we bed down here and wait for the morning. Hungary, Belgium, Greece and the Baltics will be here tomorrow. Hang on, chappies, didn't someone tell me they'd seen Canada arrive this morning? So where the bloody hell is he, then?
Arthur, stop swearing.
Baltics! That is good. It will be better when my little Baltics arrive.
I think just Estonia, but...
Oh, but my Estonia is very clever and he will figure this out... da. (whispers) Diane, I think it is England who is abducting these Nations. He does not like Francis or Mr Germany and Prussia, kolkolkol. Mr Denmark gets on his nerves because of his hair and Mr England does not have good hair... he gets picked on by this stupid awesome trio because he does not have cool hair and he gets drunk very easily.
I can bloody well hear you!
(whispers) Diane, I think he abducted Mr Amerika to keep him for himself... he is in love with Mr Amerika... they have a special relationship.
IT'S NOT BLOODY LIKE THAT!
Da, Diane, it is. I do not know why he took Sweden. That is very bad – I hope Santa still visits me this year. I hope Polska does not come tomorrow... he is silly and wears skirts. I would like to hit Polska very hard but I cannot hit someone in a skirt. I do not mean I wear skirts... or that I could not hit someone if I wore a skirt... I bet I could beat someone up in a skirt... I bet it was Polska who did all these things... with my Toris. He is a bad influence on my Toris...
Right, we'll all bed down here for the night.
Who put you in charge, Mr England?
Well, Mr Finland, seeing as how this is my country, I arranged this weekend and the so-called Hero has been captured or abducted or whatever...
Da, that is very funny.
What are you implying?
Ja, you arranged this whole weekend...
Yes, Arthur what about that prank you were going to play?
Prank, what prank?
Oh well, that was just...
Go on, Arthur tell us.
Da, I think you should... Mr Pipe would like to know...
It was just revenge on Francis... Oh someone help me... not you Captain Hook... where the bloody hell have you been?
He's lost his senses.
Flying Mint Bunny! I know... but they won't believe me... where? Who? Really? Where? Well, slap my thigh and call me Mildred.
What are they saying, Arthur?
You do not believe this foolishness, Miss Ireland? Zis is rubbish, I am inclined to believe that England has been behind this whole thing, ja.
Hummmmm, Diane says that you should tell us what Tinkerbell is saying.
Tinks and Flying Mint Bunny has just said that they don't know where America and the others are... but Francis is...
Honhonhon! Mon chers! Did you miss me, non?
... there...
Angleterre!
Francis! Where the bloody hell have you been?
I need wine! Give me wine...
Here, Mr France...
Oh merci, Mademoiselle Lily. Oh yes...
Are you alright, Mr France?
Oh oui, Mademoiselle Lily. Tres bien, maintenant.
Speak bloody English, you French Frog. And where have you been? And where's Alfred?
Hmmm, oh wine! It is the elixir of life, non? It went very dark... something came up behind us... it took Alfred, he was dragged away before I could see. I turned around... and Antonio... oh Antonio...
You mean you were bloody messing about with your hands in your pants?
Oh Angleterre, 'ow could you say such a zing?
Mr Antonio is okay, he got hit on the back of the head.
Zen I too was hit, but I came around... and I was tied up... it was thrilling... oh yes!
You weirdo.
Did you see who did this?
Oh Mr France! Were you scared?
Non Mademoiselle Lily, it was thrilling, oh yes! Honhonhon, they tried to gag me... that was not so nice but I spat it out and chatted to zem, oh yes. I asked for directions to their chambre.
Who were they?
I do not know... I could not see zem... a mask... oh yes... very kinky I think.
Was it a man or woman, da?
Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Da, Belarus... Diane, I hope it is not Belarus... perhaps she is getting all these people before she gets me and then...
I was thinking more on the lines of Hungary...
I do not know... whoever it was, was not in the mood for l'amour.
There's something bloody wrong with you.
I had activities, non? In my area of manliness, honhonhon.
Oh dear Lord.
Wut?
Mr France!
Zen, zis person hit me over ze head and I was shoved out of ze door...
What bloody door?
A door... I do not know... my head hurt... it was ... upstairs... in some closet...
Da, a secret passageway... I said there was a secret passageway. I am going to look with Mr Pipe. Mr Pipe will find it.
Honhonhon, a secret passageway...
(sounds fade out) Kolkolkol, silly Francis, he is stupid. His brain is in his trouser department and not in his head, I think. I will find this secret door and I will free the others. For once, I will be the hero and not stupid Amerika. They will all want to become one with me. Hummm, Diane, what do you think? Shall I try this door? I do not know... Is Tinkerbell with you? Does she know? Hummm... I think in here... oooooh... why did I not see this before? Wut? Privet? Why are you here? Mmmmggggmmmmph.
(Huge crash, heavy breathing, panting and then a scraping sound and giggling and then... silence)
Helloooooo! Russia? Russia? Where the hell has he gone?
To be continued...