Chapter 14

October for me was a time of learning how to balance, harboring both times of immense frustration and excitement. I was trying to adapt to being both a landscape and a portrait photographer, and I struggled as I tried to learn how to be both. Sometimes I felt distanced from the realm of passionate joy that my landscape endeavors held, and this made me feel resentful and consequently irritable. Ignazio was apt to pick up on my moods and respond to them. When I was agitated he tried to cheer me up, and he disregarded my sarcasm and attempts to distance myself from him. Sometimes he was able to restore a sense of merriment to me, if only for the little while he was able to play with me, laughing and joking and teasing.

Occasionally I was excited and cheerful, feeling confident that I had mastered my double-identity. These times were the most fun, and Ignazio was immediately ready to encourage me and assure me that I had indeed learned how to maintain both activities.

At times the monotony of my day-to-day job reverted me to the listlessness I had experienced the month before, and I couldn't help but observe Ignazio's seeming alarm at my returned despondency. He was especially perceptive and gentle with me during these times, and he spoke carefully and soothingly, continuously offering his presence to keep me from slipping into further melancholy.

Overall, October served as a period of teaching as I struggled to manage both of my photography endeavors. I had to be mostly dedicated to Il Volo, and only occasionally was I able to slip away and capture my landscapes. I had to be wary that I didn't leave too often, or I would exhaust myself and lose my balance, as I did a few times during the weeks.

Once I stole extra time to photograph Portugal, and ended up weary and agitated. Working that day was miserable and tiring, and upon returning from the boys' concert in a rental car, I fell asleep, which Ignazio encouraged by putting his arm gently around me and inviting me to rest my head on his shoulder.

When I had to go an especially long time without any landscape photography, I grew so frustrated that I started to cry on the balcony as I looked over the unattainable scene below. Ignazio caught me in tears, and shushed my embarrassment with an immediate, tight hug. Later he slipped a batch of fresh-baked cookies under the door, and I let him in to snack with me and view more of my past landscapes that he was constantly begging to see.

Ignazio was bright-eyed and playful, and he was the constant source of my comfort, though there were a few times when I observed his own weariness at the fast, wild life of incessant touring and frequent shows. His usual energetic presence beside me allowed me to pick up on his moments of subdued fatigue. This unnatural demeanor unnerved me, and I took my turns to brighten up and try to restore him to his normal merriment. He would always smile at me and feign interest in whatever I was saying, but the usual brightness was dimmed in these moments. He was always revived, however, by a night of sleep, and the next day would happily take his place again as my personal mood monitor.

Il Volo finally reached the end of the concerts in Latinoamerica, and we spent a few blissful days resting in Brazil, which gave me time to romp in the hills with my camera. Then we headed off to Canada, where we would spend the rest of October and the beginning of November touring.

One afternoon in early November when were in Montreal, I had settled down in my hotel suite to manage the Il Volo social media pages. I uploaded photos and organized others, and responded to comments from Il Volovers. I browsed fanart of the boys and noted some good ones to share for the other fans. I read comments on my previous photos and took notes on what the fans noticed and liked, or what they didn't like.

As I worked, I watched the sky outside of the huge floor-to-ceiling hotel windows slowly lose its blue and turn to a mild swirling gray. I kept my eye on it, admiring the way the harsh sunlight faded to a gentler glow, and then faded altogether. I paused and stared at the wall of windows, and then got up and moved away from the couch and stood in front of it, looking down at the city several stories below. There was no balcony, but I reached down and unlocked a part of the huge window, sliding it up and looking out. The city looked wonderful, cool and quietly inviting, and I couldn't resist leaning out of the window and inhaling the dangerously cold November air. I shivered in the brisk chill and was thankful for the cozy warmth of the hotel, but as I gazed down at the landscape before me, I turned and saw my camera beckoning and decided to forgo the comfort.

Excitement swelling in my chest, I pulled the window down and locked it, then hurried away and grabbed my coat from the peg beside the door. I pulled it on and unlocked the door, but in my hurried frenzy, I realized that I had forgotten my shoes. I looked down at my bare feet and laughed, and then turned and dashed back to the window, where I sat down beside it and started to pull on my shoes. As I tightened the laces while watching the city in gleeful anticipation, there was a knock on the door.

"Tamzin?" Ignazio called, and I smiled at the happy cadence of his voice, turning my head toward the door.

"It's open!" I called, already sounded breathless with joy.

I turned back to tightening my shoes and glanced up when Ignazio opened the door and smiled at me.

"The boys and I are going to the lobby to get something to eat and find something to do. Care to come with us?"

"No, thanks," I said, as I deemed the laces tight enough and leapt to my feet.

Ignazio watched as I went to get my camera and swiped the room key from the counter.

"You're not going out, are you?" he asked.

"Of course I am! It looks so cool outside! I can't wait to get at it!"

"Tamzin…" he said warningly, eyeing me as I pocketed the keys and then went to the laptop and shut it down.

"What?" I asked, glancing up at him and seeing the uncertain expression on his face.

"You can't go out today."

"What? Of course I can."

I shot him a quizzical look, and he shook his head.

"Oh, no, Tamzin. There's about to be a big storm. Thunder, lightning, the works. That's why Michele moved the rehearsal to this morning instead of this evening. You can't go out now."

"Well, I'm going to."

I stood up straight and put my hands on my hips, raising an eyebrow and daring him to challenge me.

He shook his head.

"Too dangerous. Stay inside."

"No."

I slung the camera around my shoulder and then strode up to the door. Ignazio immediately blocked the doorway.

"Excuse me."

He shook his head.

"Excuse me!" I said louder, and moved forward, but he folded his arms over his chest and refused to budge.

"Move!" I cried in frustration, and pushed at him.

"Tamzin, if you go out you'll get caught up in this huge storm! It's too dangerous!"

"I'll be quick! I'll be back before the rain even starts!"

"Tamzin, we both know that's not true. You're never that fast. Look at the sky! I give it twenty minutes!"

"Ignazio, move!"

"No. Stay."

"Ignazio!"

"Stay."

I sighed and shot him a fierce glare, then folded my arms tightly over my chest, nearly trembling in anger.

"Fine."

"You'll stay?"

"I'll stay," I growled, and Ignazio nodded in approval and gave me a bright smile, which I refused to return. He stayed in the doorway, and I slowly shrugged out of my coat and hung it beside the door.

He stepped back and cautiously closed the door.

I stood silently in front of the closed door, counting angrily under my breath. I stayed poised in front of the doorway as I counted, slowly whispering each number.

"Eighteen…Nineteen…Twenty!"

I snatched my coat off the peg and yanked it on as I shoved open the door and leaped from the room. I began my determined sprint down the hall, eyeing the elevator, but only made it a few feet before there was a loud thundering behind me and a strong hand seized me around my middle and hoisted me into the air.

"Hey!" I yelled in anger, kicking wildly and throwing untargeted punches as Ignazio turned me and draped me easily over his shoulder. "Put me down! What do you think you're doing!?"

"Keeping you safe!" Ignazio said as he pulled me back into the hotel room, stumbling as he bore my hammering fists and wildly kicking feet. I squirmed and grabbed a handful of his silky dark hair in my fist and yanked, and he yelled.

"Tamzin, let go!" he cried in pain, and I only yanked harder until he hurriedly set me down back in my hotel room and kicked the door shut behind him with a bang, reaching up to grasp his hair. "Geez, Tamzin, hands off the hair!"

I yelled and rushed forward, desperately trying to launch myself past him, but he jumped in front of me and grabbed my shoulders, stopping me. I pulled away, reached back, and then struck my hand across his face, feeling the harsh sting on my own palm.

"Tamzin, stop it!" he cried, grabbing my arms and forcing me away from the door as I squirmed and tried to yank away.

"You'll damage the camera!" I yelled in frustration, and he reached out and pulled it from me, tossing it onto the couch.

"Don't touch my camera!" I yelled, drawing back my hand again, but he grabbed it and pushed down on me, wrestling me to the ground. I yanked back at the last moment before he could lay me down, and I went falling backwards, taking him with me. He caught himself before he could land on top of me, and stopped just above me, holding himself up and pinning me down simultaneously. He held down my arms, his face inches above mine. I struggled, but was unable to move.

"I'll scream!" I cried, furious.

"Go ahead!" he shouted, surprising me, "Then Piero and Gianluca will come and help me stop you!"

I glared at him, breathless and shaking in anger.

"Get off me!"

"No! Listen!"

"Get OOOFFFFFFFFF!"

"Tamzin, listen," he said, his voice quieting.

"No! Let me go!"

He quieted and didn't move, keeping me trapped below him.

I began to struggle again, kicking my legs and pushing at his arms to no avail.

"You're trying to change me!" I yelled.

"I'm trying to protect you!"

I relented in my struggling and looked at the dangerously inviting gray sky outside the windows across the room. My determination to get past Ignazio shifted into the realization that I wasn't going to be able to get away from him. My fury faded as longing filled my chest for the earth outside of the hotel, and I gazed sadly out at the swirling gray sky. I sighed and looked forlornly up at Ignazio.

"Tamzin," he said, his face softening as he looked down at me. "Don't look at me like that."

I held the gaze and he sighed before looking determinedly at me.

"Tamzin, I just don't want you to get hurt. I'm not going to let you go out and get caught in this freezing storm and get lost, or hurt, or sick. I don't want to have to go out and find you cold and shivering in the street, and I don't ever want you in trouble because I was too stupid to stop you. I know how ambitious and wild you can be, and I think you sometimes need to be redirected so you don't endanger yourself, like now."

I looked silently up at him, and then he asked, "Will you stay?"

I sighed.

"I'll stay," I said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

"For real this time?"

"Yes, Ignazio! I'll stay! Geez, get off of me!"

"Good. Gosh, Tamzin, you hit hard!"

He released one arm and reached up to massage the stinging red handprint I had left on his cheek, wincing.

He let go of my other arm and got off of me, getting up from the ground and then reaching down to help me up.

I glared at him and got up myself.

He shook his head and looked at himself in the hotel mirror, gingerly fingering his cheek.

"I'm going to have a scar!" he said in playful disbelief as he turned his head and observed the fading red mark.

"You'll be fine," I said grudgingly, folding my arms in defiance.

He turned and looked at me, and offered me a small smile that I didn't return.

"I'm going the lobby," he said, moving past me to the door. "That means the boys and I will be watching the front door. And don't even think about scaling the side of the building!"

He waited for me to smile, but when I didn't, he shook his head and closed the door behind him.

I stayed silently watching the closed door for the second time, but this time I didn't begin my counting. Instead, I turned and looked out the window, scowling at the sky and the city. I shrugged out of my coat and dropped it onto the couch, going to the windows and sinking down to sit cross-legged in front of them. I pulled off my shoes and threw them aside, then crossed my arms and stared forlornly out at the landscape before me, listening to the silence of the hotel room.

I waited silently, watching the hands on the clock move and counting the minutes as I observed the sky darkening further, shifting from mild to menacing. Nineteen minutes after Ignazio left, the rain started. I pulled my knees to my chest and lay my chin on top of them, listening to the quickening patter of the rain against the window.