Five days later, I was sitting rather uncomfortably in a first-class seat on a plane bound for Raleigh,North Carolina. Phil was suspended, and so was Randy. Blake had given birth to their daughter Thursday night, naming her Tatum Kyle....TKO. My best friend was a nerd. She was underweight and had a few problems breathing,but other than that, she was fine. The doctors said she'd be home by her due date. Jeff had his final match Sunday at the pay-per-view, and I had gotten my release. I felt much better, and safer now. I wasn't sure exactly what Jeff and I were, but it was for sure more than I'd ever had with anyone in my twenty three years of living. He was way too good to me, far more than I deserved, but I held onto him for dear life, most of the time quite literally. The miscarriage and fall had left me quite weak and banged up, miraculously without broken bones or a severe concussion--just a few stitches and countless emotional scars.
I was laying in Jeff's bed, wrapped in his arms a few nights after we got there when he brought it all up for the first time since he'd given me my ultimatum.
"I'm proud of you, ya know?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, you..."
"Why?"
"You tried to fight him off...you were trying to defend yourself for once."
"I was angry."
"Yeah...but you've been angry before and haven't tried to fight him off...what changed?"
"He hurt you."
Jeff rolled over and turned on the lamp.
"So you tried to beat Phil up because he hurt me?"
"Mhm...I wasn't about to let that happen....no one hurts you and gets away with it."
He smiled and kissed my lips softly.
"Same goes for you,Nixon."
"You're my hero, Jeff...."
"I'm no hero, Nix...far from it."
"No, Jeff...you're my hero....I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart....now, let's get some sleep."
He turned off the lamp and pulled me closer to him, and I soon drifted off into a deep sleep, only to be awoken a few hours later by a vivid flashback nightmare. I woke up screaming, in a cold sweat, tears pouring down my face.
"My baby....not my baby."
The lamp came on again and Jeff wrapped me tightly in his arms, my head against his chest.
"Shh...it's okay, Nix...I'm here, baby...I'm here."
"Jeff, he killed our baby." I sobbed.
"I know...I know..."
His soothing voice and comforting touch were my new security blanket.
"Jeff...I'm so sorry...it's my fault..."
"No it isn't...it's gonna be alright...."
"I just wish I hadn't fought him off...then maybe we'd still have our baby..."
"Sweetie everything happens for a reason...this included...now we're together....everything is gonna be okay. I promise."
"Jeff promise me something..."
"Anything..."
"You can never ever leave me."
"I sure as hell don't plan on it, Nix....I'm gonna be here as long as I'm alive...unless you tell me to leave...and even then I can't promise that I'd leave..."
"I don't think I could ever tell you to leave, Jeff..."
He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back.
"Good...cause I don't ever wanna leave...I promised you before I'll always be there for you and I mean that."
I nodded, squeezing him tighter.
He leaned over and turned off the lamp, all the while holding on to me. I fell asleep again soon, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt safe, and slept soundly for the rest of the night. The next morning he took me to my new doctor for a follow-up on my D & C procedure. They told me that I'd have light uterine scarring, and probably some pretty brutal cramps with my periods for a while, but other than that, everything would be fine. They said to continue taking the medicines the doctor back in Salt Lake City had prescribed until they were gone, and to come back in four weeks.
After the doctor, we went and got a restraining order on Phil. He couldn't come near me, unless it was in court or if I was escorted by an officer of the law.
"Did you want to go to Chicago to get your things?" Jeff asked me on the way home.
"Um...I have a few things I need...but I'm really scared to go there."
"I'll be with you...and we'll have two police with us...you'll be okay."
"Can we go when he isn't there?"
"Of course...whatever makes you feel safest."
I nodded and stared out the window. What would make me feel safest was Phil six feet under. I despised him and everything he had ever done to me. He ripped my dream away from me, killed my unborn child, and broke Jeff's nose. He caused Randy to get suspended, and Blake to go into early labor. I was finally realizing that Jeff was right. None of what happened was my fault, it was Phil's, and I was angry about it. My counselor told me it was okay to be angry, though, and after I was feeling better, Jeff bought me a punching bag to take my anger out on. He also bought a cardboard cutout of Phil and a gun. I used the cardboard cutout of Phil as target practice. I got a bulls-eye on the third try. One bullet, straight through where his heart was supposed to be.
The first weekend Phil's suspension was lifted, Jeff and I flew to Chicago to get my things. They were all exactly where I'd left them. There were dishes piled in the sink, drugs lying all around the house, empty liquor bottles lying on the floor. The two cops who escorted me to my former home called their supervisor while I gathered my belongings.
"I can't believe you lived in this..." Jeff said, standing in the doorway of Phil's bedroom.
"I can't believe i lived in this." I replied.
"It's horrible..."
"This place is what I call hell."
"I can see why."
"I hate it here....but I don't have to come back here, ever again." I said, tossing the last of my makeup into my bag.
"Nope....never." Jeff put an arm around my shoulders, smiling.
We met the two officers in the living room and let them know we were ready to go. They escorted me off of the property and back to the airport, where we caught our flight back to North Carolina.
I was happier than I'd ever been. Jeff treated me so well, and he really cared about me. I fell more and more in love with him with each passing day. He was always extremely gentle with me, never spoke a harsh word, always encouraging, never failing to make me smile. I finally knew what the meaning of true love was.
We were driving home from RDU when I realized that if I were still pregnant, we'd soon be finding out the sex of our baby.
"I wonder if our baby was a boy or girl..." I said.
"That was totally random....what made you think about that?"
"Well, if I was still pregnant, it'd be about time to find out..."
"Oh..."
The miscarriage was a touchy subject, and we didn't bring it up often.
"I just thought about that...I bet it was a boy."
"You think so?"
"Mhm..."
"And what would you name him?"
"Kaedyn Nero."
"I like that."
"You do?"
"I do..."
Jeff smiled warmly and genuinely. I thought about Blake and Randy, and Tatum. The doctors had let them go home a few days prior. Jeff and I were planning to visit them a few weeks later, as soon as they were settled with the new baby.
"Maybe one day, we can try for another baby..." I said.
"Whenever you're ready, sweetheart."
"Really?"
"Of course."
"I think I wanna wrestle some more first....at least two or three more years....even if it's just in the indies. I want to do a little modeling, maybe some acting, singing, work on my art and writing...."
"You just wanna do it all, don't you?"
"I do....but you know what?"
"What?"
"If I never do anything else, as long as I have you, I'll be happy."
"Aww...I love you."
"I love you, too....much more than you could ever possibly 'x-pand your imag-i-nation' to comprehend."
Jeff laughed & my stomach did that little butterfly dance. Yeah, I was most definitely in love with this man. I was sure of that. What I wasn't quite sure of was why he felt the same about me...we still were getting to know each other in so many ways...our relationship seemed somewhat out of order. We were friends first, like normal couples, I guess...but we didn't really know much about each other. Well...he didn't know much about me.
He knew my parents and I didn't get along, and he knew about the nine months I spent with Phil. He knew that Blake and I had been best friends for a few years, and that I'd watched wrestling my whole life...but did he really know me?
Jeff was sitting in the living room picking at his dad's old guitar, staring up at the ceiling one night when I took a seat on the couch beside him.
"Hey babe..." he said, still strumming.
"Hey...what ya playin?"
"Just a tune I've got stuck in my head...I don't really know what it is."
"Sounds good."
He smiled and looked at me.
"Thanks."
"No problem..."
"What's on your mind? You look like you've got somethin' bothering you..."
"Not really bothering me...I just feel like we don't know each other well enough..."
"What do you mean?" he asked, setting his guitar down and turning to face me.
I sighed and took his right hand into mine, looking down at our interlaced fingers...what a perfect picture...yeah,we belonged together.
"What I mean is, we're together, we live together, we love each other, and we almost had a baby together...but we don't know each other deep down....that's something I want with you. I want you to know me, and I want you to know me."
"That's true.....well....what do you want me to know about you?"
"I'm not good with telling people about myself....what do you want to know about me?"
"I guess there's little things I don't know...like your favorite color..."
"Purple,black,and green."
"Simple enough." he laughed.
"Your most prized possession?"
"Um...like a material posession?"
"Yeah."
"Probably my world title. It's what I worked my whole life for."
"I can understand that."
"Yours?"
"Um...you're gonna laugh at me."
"No, I won't. What is it?"
"Can I show you?"
"Of course."
I got up and went to the guest room where some of my things were still packed away. I opened the first box and removed the paper that was wrapped around the picture frame that laid on top. I clutched it to my chest, the front against my skin. I sat down on the couch next to Jeff again, took a deep breath and showed him.
"You promised not to laugh." I reminded him.
He took the frame from my hands and looked at it, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"When was this?"
"I was seventeen...first time I met you...."
"I don't think this is something to laugh at...I think it's sweet. We should hang it up in here."
"Really?"
"It's our first picture as a couple." he said.
"We weren't together yet, Goose."
"I know that, Silly."
"But you're right. It was our first picture together."
"So that makes it special."
"It's very special to me."
"You're special to me."
I blushed. He was too sweet.
"You're so sweet, Jeffro...I love you." I leaned against him and linked my arms around his. He rested his head against mine and sat the picture on the table by the couch.
"I love you....what else do you want to know?"
"Your favorite alcoholic beverage."
Jeff looked at me and smirked.
"Random...but okay. Jack Daniels."
"Ew...gross."
"What's yours?"
"To be honest, I don't really care to drink...but when I do, I like vodka."
"Understandable...what kind of vodka?"
"Grey Goose or Smirnoff."
"The Goose,huh?"
I laughed and nodded.
"Favorite food?"
"Hmm...pepper steak...lemon pepper chicken...lasagna...."
"Wow."
"What?"
I shook my head. "Nothing."
"No, what?"
"That's what I craved when I was pregnant." I told him.
"Oh...wow."
"Yeah...."
"I'm sorry..."
"It's okay..."
He kissed my forehead and pondered before asking another question.
"Favorite band?"
"Framing Hanley, no doubt. They are absolutely a-freaking-mazing. I love those guys. Miss them."
"You're friends with them?"
"They did my entrance music! And yeah, I've known them for a few years now...guess what the lead singer's name is?"
"What?"
"Nixon."
"Really?"
"Well, that's his last name. His name is Kenneth Nixon. Kenneth Wayne Nixon."
"Wow...and your name is Nixon Wayne."
"I know. Weird, right?"
"Very. What's your middle name?"
"I hate it."
"Why?"
"I dunno, I just hate it." I laughed.
"What is it?"
"Elexxis.E-l-e-x-x-i-s."
"What's so bad about that? I think it's pretty."
"I just hate it....do you like yours?"
"It's different. Unique. It fits me...so I guess so, yeah." he replied.
"I love your middle name."
"You do?"
"I do...if I ever have a son I wanna name him Kayden Nero."
"I like that."
I smiled up at him and kissed his bicep.
He smiled back down at me and all of a sudden, I felt a new appreciation and love for him. I didn't understand it, but I knew I loved him now more than ever. I don't think it was the trivial things I had learned about him that night. I think it was the way he looked at me; the love I saw in his eyes, his warm,genuine smile, and his caring touch. Maybe it was the way he held me like I was fragile, yet--at the same time, held me so tight that we were nearly attached to one another.
"Tell me something about yourself that nobody knows." I said, breaking our silence.
"I'm a really good cook....you?"
"I can sing."
"Really?"
I nodded. "I'm just really shy about it. I used to sing all the time...before I got with Phil."
"He made you stop?" Jeff asked.
"I guess, in a way. I don't even know if I can sing anymore...who knows."
"I bet you can."
I shrugged. "Maybe we'll find out one day."
"Do you ever have cravings for any of the drugs he had you on?"
"Sometimes...but I'm strong enough to fight it off...I'm better than that shit. I don't need it."
"I'm really proud of you, sweetheart."
"You have no idea how much that means to me."
"I have a pretty good idea."
"Anything else you wanna know about me?" I asked.
"Which of your tattoos is your favorite?"
"Oh wow...uh...I don't know...they all mean a lot to me."
"Which was your first?"
"The one on the back of my neck. It means 'eternity', I got it with my best friend when I was eighteen."
"How many do you have?"
"I've been tattooed eight times but I have six...the one on the back of my neck,the one on my left foot, the one that wraps around my waist,one on each wrist,and the one on the inside of my ankle."
"And the one around your waist is the biggest one?"
"Yep, it took sixteen hours total and cost me over a thousand dollars."
"Wow."
I nodded. We both got silent for a few minutes. I was all out of questions and I guess he was, too.
"I'm gonna go take a shower." I told him.
"Okay."
I leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips before getting up and heading to the bathroom inside of our bedroom. I turned the water all the way to hot and stepped inside, letting the water fall like rain from the showerhead in the ceiling. I felt satisfied now that Jeff and I had exhanged a few questions and answers. There was much more we still didn't know about each other, but the way I looked at it, we had a lot longer to get to know each other...at least, I hoped we did. My mind took me to familiar fantasies that I hadn't visited in some time. I remembered that night at Randy and Blake's house and a smile crept across my face. It had been nearly five months since Jeff and I made love. I loved how he respected me and my body. He was never pushy and he never even made suggestions. Sure, we flirted, kissed, and touched, but if I pulled away or pushed his hand away, he didn't keep trying. He was gentle and understanding.