- Chapter 5: The Sadistic Prank

Evening at the park is a very scenic location. It's just the kind of thing you might want to take a date to, so it was no surprise that I saw some guy waiting expectantly at a bench. I sighed and resolved myself to approach this situation as any sane man would.

"So, you're the guy," I said to him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm a classmate," I explained unnecessarily, "you might have heard of me-"

Before I could tell him my name, he said, "Oh, I know you! You're one of Suzumiya's henchmen."

This is, of course, a running gag. I can never tell anyone my real name because that would spoil the fun. Just like how I was spoiling the fun for Haruhi by talking to this guy. Oh, and this guy's name? Let's just call him "that guy" for now. I don't want his friends or family to have to suffer the embarrassment of being associated with his criminal behavior.

"Right," I answered. "Anyway, don't expect this girl you got a note from to show up."

"What?" he asked. "Is this some kind of prank?"

"Yeah," I replied honestly. "Suzumiya is trying to get back at you for some reason."

"Damn it," he said, scowling. "I should have realized."

At this point, I thought I heard Haruhi muttering, and I glanced around to see if she had unwisely revealed herself.

"Well," he concluded, "she got me."

I was feeling sympathetic, so I asked him, "Hey, you mind if I ask you something?"

"I don't mind," he answered with an unusual assurance in his demeanor. "Go right ahead."

"What did you do to piss off Suzumiya so much that she wanted me to pretend to be a slasher?" I asked him.

"A slasher?" he remarked, still very calm and content with himself. "Wow. That definitely wasn't what I expected."

"I know, right?" I said, taking off the dusty fedora she'd given me to wear. "What the hell kind of slasher would wear this?"

"That's pretty lame," he stated, matter-of-factly.

"She did give me a big kitchen knife," I added, taking out said knife. "It might have worked."

"Sure," he conceded, "if I wasn't a black belt in karate."

I muttered to myself, "Some days I'm really glad I was born with brains. Anyway..."

"Yeah, sure," he said, mildly eager to explain his situation. "Listen, you're going to love this. I arrange for one of the third-year girls to tell Suzumiya that she'd seen UFOs from the roof of the school one night."

"UFOs?" I wondered.

"I know," he added with that inexpressible calm that belied his words. "Suzumiya is such a sucker for occult crap like that. So, while she's up on the school's roof looking around for UFOs, I drop this dummy down on the ground where I'd just dropped some balloons filled with fake blood."

"So it looked like someone had just fallen to their death?" I guessed.

"Exactly. I make sure to do the whole screaming right before it impacts to get her attention, and Suzumiya comes right over. What she doesn't realize is that I'm dressed up like a ghost."

"Wow. Don't tell me that worked?"

"Hell yeah, it worked. I told her I'd just killed myself because she... Well, anyway she starts throwing a tantrum and then when I tell her I'm going to throw her off the roof, she gets really scared and starts to run away."

As disgusted as I was by his story, I merely stated, "I have to applaud your creativity."

He continued, "I grab her and she starts crying and screaming that she didn't kill me and please don't kill me and all that." He began laughing and added, "My God! It was hilarious! I've never laughed so hard in all my life."

"Oh, I see," I realized. "You're that guy who confessed to her the Monday before last."

"Was that so wrong?" he asked, finally showing some consternation on his face. "I mean, I pour my heart out to her and she calls me an idiot. What did I ever do to her?"

Much as I wanted to punch this guy even at the risk of getting a black-belt quality beat down, I couldn't help but also sympathize. I can't count the number of times I've wanted to slap Haruhi. "So, why did you confess to her? Seriously?" I asked. "You know she's a super weirdo."

He sighed and admitted, "I guess I'm a sucker for a pretty face."

"I understand," I also admitted, thinking back to my first impressions of Haruhi. Super weirdo or not, she does have a kind of magnetic, animal charm.

"Hey," he said, back to being calm and cool, "thanks for not going slasher on me. It probably would have freaked me out."

"No problem," I answered.

As the guy left, I sat and pondered on the situation. I began to wonder about all the ways this scene might have played out, as Haruhi approached me with a seriously annoyed expression on her face.

"You really suck," she told me, "you know that?"

"I know," I confessed, unable to disagree.

Later that evening, as I was enjoying a book in my bedroom, I noticed Haruhi the specter floating by. I wasn't shocked, though. I had assumed she'd mostly been hiding in the bathroom.

"What is it this time?" I asked her.

"I just wanted you to know," she replied, "that I overheard your conversation with that guy."

"You did?" I said, not really listening.

"Yeah," she replied, "and I just chased him halfway across town. He screamed and screamed like a little girl."

"You really are hard on that guy," I said. "First you reject him outright, then you torment him like that."

"Not me, specifically," Haruhi corrected me. "I felt I owed it to myself," she added, contradicting herself.

I looked up from my reading to see how much Haruhi was smiling, and asked, "So, he could see you?"

"Unfortunately for him, yeah," she replied.

"Okay," I said, going back to reading. I then sincerely added, "Well, good for you."