xiv. Downfall
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It's easy (naive), when they are alone and loving, to think they are a couple; to believe that she is his and he is hers and there's no twisted game hanging over their heads and straining their relationship to the very bounds of indignation. And it's heartbreaking (shattering) to be reminded of the opposite and hit over the head with the truth, the next day or the next week, when she sees him and her.
They look happy, she muses. In love; it's a fallacy of which she is unaware and ignorantly believes, 'cause he's never told her otherwise.
She has to constantly block thoughts of them together from her mind, but it's exceedingly difficult; she can't help but wonder what it is he does or who he does and in what manner when they aren't together. The desperate notion of it all sickens her, makes her feel guilty and disarrayed, yet curious. She would never ask, as she doesn't want to hear the words spoken or see the answers reflected in his eyes, so, she remains oblivious. Hopelessly negligent to the truth that, when they aren't together, he sits alone in his car or his bedroom thinking about her, and her only.
Thus begins their decline; with her ignorance and stubbornness and his deceitfulness and arrogance, they push themselves further and further away from each other until there's nothing but a field of lies and regret between them, eating them alive and veiling their heart's desire with an inconsistence of malice and greed.
She keeps their intimate meetings scarce in hopes that he will break down and come to her, rather than the other way around. Yet, he doesn't, as he doesn't have to. Because she's given him the impression that she'll always go to him and initiate what she regards as treacherous deeds, and he thinks this for good reason, 'cause that's exactly what she does. She can disregard his presence and avoid his gaze all she wants, but in the end, it's her pulling him into the closet or knocking on his front door, and the cycle begins once again. They'll talk and laugh, kiss and touch, while her heart lifts to the sky and her dignity silently deteriorates, so by the end of the intimate feat she's left feeling broken and amiss once again.
And it's after seven months of this unstable routine that she finally admits to herself: this game isn't fun anymore.
Her feet tap anxiously against the thin carpet as she sits in the backseat of the yellow cab in a stew of silence and anticipation, and upon seeing the all too familiar scenery of the neighbourhood, she wrings her hands out in her lap and chews her lips fervently, dark eyes apprehensive as they note all the large pretty houses they drive past in the following minutes. She'd kept Toshiro in the dark for nearly two weeks, but on this night when she's meant to go on a third date, she feels it's time to tell him, and she has to tell him in person before she goes forward with her plans; she has to end it officially, tonight.
It's silly, when she thinks about it, that she was, in a sense, breaking up with him when they weren't even technically together. However, it was protocol for these types of situations, she believes, and as much as it pains her to do so, she needs to, for the sake of her conscience.
She asks the driver to wait once he's parked in the round-about driveway, and wraps her arms around herself for self-indulgent heat against the cool air as she makes her way to the front door. And despite it being, essentially, her second home, her hand hesitates on the doorknob; after a moment of contemplation, she directs her forefinger to the button on the left side and assumes her previous stature as she waits to be answered.
It's those tantalizing teal eyes she's greeted with only a minute later, and his mouth instantly curves into that blush evoking grin. "Hey," his cool voice carries, causing her heart to swell with conflicting emotions.
"Hi.." Karin returns timidly.
"This is a pleasant surprise," Toshiro remarks with ignorance of the awkward aura surrounding his friend, smile unwavering. "But you know, you can just let yourself in." The chuckle that leaves him only makes her quest that more difficult. "Rangiku even made a partially edible cake you can demolish," he adds invitingly.
A light laugh escapes her. "That sounds... appealing," she says in an iffy tone. "But I can't stay."
"Why, got a hot date or something?" He clearly hadn't meant it as a question, but at the sudden twist in her expression, he realizes it's more valid than he'd thought.
"Yeah, actually," she confirms his less than pleasant notion. "I'm going to dinner with Lee."
"Oh.." An instant frown breaks his feature, and he casually leans against the doorframe. "You and Lee again, huh?" She merely nods to his rhetorical pursuit of confirmation, and within the second that she runs a hand through her hair, enmity spurs in his chest.
"Do you have your key?" he asks a moment later.
Her forehead creases. "What?"
"I just wanna know if I should leave the door unlocked," he explains coolly, spite and arrogance woven through his words and reflected in his eyes, collectively making the task at hand that much simpler for her.
"Leave it unlocked if you'd like," she says blandly. "But I'm not coming back." He cocks a skeptical brow, fueling her animosity and incentive. "The game's over, Toshiro."
His features twist in a rapid and quizzical manner. "Excuse me?"
"It was stupid to begin with," she reasons, straining to keep an even tone. "And it's just going to end badly." Her eyes soften a fraction in woe while she allows the briefest lapse of silence, and before he can manage a response, "so let's just leave it at a tie, or whatever.." She chuckles shortly and emptily, "hell, let's just say Momo won. I mean, it's obvious she's the one you want, or you would've ended it months ago."
"Karin-'
"And that's fine," she continues, refusing to heed any words he may manage to say. "You two are good together." The smile that paints her face is nothing short of forced, "anyways, that's what I came to say, and I said it.. so I'm gonna go." Pivoting instantly, Karin begins a hasty retreat.
"Wait-'
"I'll see you at school!" she calls back in a practical croak and picks up her pace, arriving at the car in no time and clearly goading the driver into a quick departure. Toshiro's shoulder slump defeatedly as he watches the taxi drive off and out of sight, all words caught in his throat and making for a near-suffocating lump.
Just feet behind him, Rangiku sports a vicarious frown, as it had always been her way to eavesdrop, and her light-blue eyes are set solely on her young cousin as he slowly crosses the threshold, closing the door behind him with restrained fury. The words he'd spoken on New Year's Eve echo through her mind as he meets her gaze, briefly, then wordlessly ascends the stairs with an aggressive ruffle of his hair and a radiating sense of dejection, seeking the solitude of his bedroom.
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.it ends tonight.
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Lyrics: It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects