BPOV
When I saw Edward I smiled.
I couldn't help myself. The instinct was quick and natural, even though the last time I saw him I responded differently. All of the angst of the last several weeks was completely forgotten. Warmth filled my body and I sighed. It felt like an out of body experience. I had missed him so much. There was an overwhelming sense of relief just seeing his face, by simply being near him.
Edward looked me straight in the eyes, but I couldn't read his emotions. He seemed indifferent. And when he frowned, I realized I had been smiling like a love sick idiot. He didn't say a word, barely acknowledged me with a nod, and then walked away.
I was about to follow him, when Jessica brought me back to reality, patting me on the shoulder.
"That was cold," she remarked, without sympathy, as if she was impressed with his response. When she saw how devastated I was, she changed her tone. "What a jerk, he doesn't even have the decency to say hello to you? It's a good thing he dumped you, you're definitely better off without him…."
I didn't try to correct her, that I had been the one to end the relationship, because he would have broken up with me eventually. Who cared who did it first? It was going to happen anyway.
I shrugged, feeling humiliated by both Edward and Jessica, and walked into the school office. For a moment, I was tempted to head to the parking lot, drive home and spend the day in bed. When Charlie got home, I would persuade him to sign me up for a home school course. I sighed and shook my head.
"You're not the first girl to have her heart broken," I mumbled to myself, trying to put things in perspective.
I was strong. I could do this.
Mrs. Cope welcomed me back cheerfully. In my haste to escape the love-birds Renee and Phil, I forgot that by starting school late, I'd have to go through the whole process of re-enrolling. I would be the new girl again. Instead of sneaking in without being noticed, I would have to introduce myself to each teacher in front of every class, be handed my textbooks and given a seat assignment. I hated attention and today would be full of it, I realized.
Since I had broken up with Edward, I felt physically unwell, like my heart had been ripped out of my body. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't eating much. In addition to all that, my brief encounter with Edward in the hallway had brought a new heaviness to my spirit. I wanted to be alone and cry, but now I had to face people all day.
I closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from spiraling, when Mrs. Cope interrupted my focus.
"Bella, Bella…" she held out a piece of paper in her hands. "Your schedule."
"Thanks," I replied blushing. Without a doubt, I had been too distracted to hear anything she was saying to me. I glanced down at the schedule - Calculus, Physics, Government, Spanish.
Since I was familiar with the school, I had no problem finding my first class before the bell rang. I scanned the crowd and was relieved it was Cullen free. I quickly greeted my Calculus teacher, got a textbook and found a seat. It was hard to keep the tears from falling, but somehow I managed.
To my surprise, all of my morning classes were Cullen free. At lunchtime, I avoided the cafeteria and went to the school library. I explained to the librarian that I was starting school two weeks late and needed to catch up on homework. He offered a cubicle for me to study in and I took refuge in it. Although I did have a lot of assignments, I was really avoiding any chance at seeing Edward again. Finally having privacy, I put my head down on the desk and cried.
The entire morning I was obsessed with analyzing Edward's frown. It looked like a scowl. Why did it devastate me so much? What did I expect? For him to smile back?
As the bell rang signifying the end of lunch, I cringed in anticipation of my afternoon classes. It was a small senior class at a small high school. I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid Edward or Alice all day. I took a deep breath and walked to English.
Alice was sitting in the back row of English. I spotted her immediately, but she didn't seem to notice me. She was drawing in her notebook. My stomach churned in nervousness as I introduced myself to the teacher, took a textbook, and found a seat in the front row.
I was stronger than I expected and fought the temptation to glance back at Alice. I wondered what she was thinking, if she would talk to me, if she thought I was a jerk of a friend, or if she was pissed off that I didn't allow her to dress me for school, like she did almost every day last spring. Alice always spoke her mind, much like Emmett did. I knew she would demand answers from me.
When class was over, as I walked out the door, Alice cut in front of me. Expecting this, I swallowed and glanced at her warily. She smiled brightly.
"Hi Bella, welcome home," she greeted, and then skipped down the hall.
I was surprised and thankful she didn't pester me with questions, but noticed despite her smile and gentleness, Alice wasn't being herself. It was wishful thinking to imagine I saw hurt behind her eyes. She seemed truly glad to see me, much more so than Edward, but it wasn't condescending or in a "pet" sort of way. Alice looked at me like I was a friend she missed.
Alice was also in my gym class. Since it was my first day, I was able to sit on the bleachers. I couldn't take my eyes off her, as the class played volleyball in the gym. Every once in awhile she would glance at me, but would always quickly look away. When it was Alice's turn to serve, it bounced off the gym wall and went sailing into the bleachers. She ran after it.
"I can't believe Forks High still requires Seniors to take Gym. It's archaic, really," she remarked, as she picked up the ball that landed next to me.
I looked at her shyly. "Um, yeah…." was all I could reply.
Alice looked at me and she seemed to return to herself for a moment. I knew she was bursting with questions. But, all she did was smile and return to the game.
When it was time for my last class of the day, Psychology, I braced myself at the possibility of having Edward in my class. I felt emotionally exhausted, all day my mind was dominated by thoughts of him – hoping to see him and being horrified at the prospect of seeing him. Making me even more nervous was the fact that I was late to class because my gym teacher took too long to issue my gym clothes and assign a locker. As soon as I entered the classroom my heart started pounding. My fears had come true.
Edward was in my class.
I spotted him immediately. He was staring out the window, his chiseled profile taking my breath away. Before he could notice me gawking at him, I tore my eyes away to say hello to the teacher. She motioned to a free chair.
"Take a seat next to Edward," she waved distractedly, looking down at her podium.
The class giggled and I was mortified to realize they understood the awkwardness of the situation. I guessed that Jessica had told the entire Senior class, if not the entire school, that Edward had dumped me and I was devastated about it.
Edward looked me curiously, undoubtedly wondering what I would do, and I knew that if I sat next to him, I would be tempted to throw myself into his lap and beg for him to take me back. When it came to Edward, I knew I was weak. If he showed any willingness to talk to me, I would pathetically cry and confess everything. The strength and stubbornness I felt that night in Renee's guestroom when I told Edward I didn't want him seemed to be gone.
Feeling anxiety welling up within me, I stumbled towards an empty seat in the front row and collapsed. I had to be strong. I would be strong.
When the teacher looked up from her notes, she noticed where I was sitting, but didn't ask me to move. I sighed in relief.
The subject of psychology was interesting to me, but it was useless to pay attention with Edward in the same room. It was so painful to be near him, but it also gave me a sense of relief. It was sweet agony. Be strong, be strong, be strong, I repeated to myself like a mantra. Tanya's words also haunted me, Edward doesn't love you, Edward doesn't love you, although I tried to ignore them.
When the bell rang signaling the end of the day, Edward was the first one to leave the class. I stayed behind to get the assignments I missed from the teacher and then slowly walked to my locker to organize my homework for the evening.
I sighed, realizing I made it through the entire day and didn't faint or get sick. It was difficult to see Edward and Alice, but maybe it was possible to co-exist with them. After all, it was only one year until graduation. Then, they would move away and I would never see them again. Immediately, I felt sad at the possibility and shook my head.
"Can't live with them, can't live without them," I mumbled in frustration and slammed my locker shut.
The school parking lot was still full of people and as I walked to my truck, I was stopped by Jessica and Angela, as well as Tyler and Mike. They all hugged me, welcoming me back to town, asking questions about my visit to Florida and catching me up with what they did during the summer. It was good to see them, but I was politely waiting for an opportunity to make an exit, when I was blindsided.
"Woah, is that Edward's new girlfriend?" Tyler blurted out, his mouth salivating.
I looked over my shoulder and saw Tanya with her arms around Edward's neck. Her blonde hair was almost waist length and she wore a skin-tight mini-dress that was similar to the one she wore when she came to see me. The two of them were talking, and Alice was with them, leaning against Edward's Volvo looking bored, which was uncharacteristic for her.
Tanya kissed Edward on the cheek and then skipped around the car, to get in the driver's seat. Edward quickly glanced over at our group, but then got into the passenger side. Alice got in the backseat.
Seconds later, as the car drove slowly past us, Tanya smiled at me and winked. Then, they sped away.
I couldn't mask my horror. It felt as though someone punched me in the stomach. It was hard to breathe.
"Sorry, Bella," Angela whispered, putting her arm around me and walking me towards my truck. Jessica, Tyler and Mike all began to chatter, wondering who Tanya was and whether she was a new student. I was thankful to be rescued.
I felt numb inside. I was in some sort of shock. It didn't make sense because rationally I knew they were already together. But, seeing them together was something entirely different.
"I'm fine," I lied, but my chest was already heaving in sobs. Angela looked worried for me, but I escaped to my truck, turned on the ignition, and sped out of the parking lot.
I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't do this.