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Chapter 14

Okay, he was officially intrigued. They currently sat in Abby's car an hour into a mystery road trip.

Mmmm, perplexing. She'd made sure he'd showered, shaved and worn a clean shirt before leaving so he doubted they were spending the day at a petting zoo.

It was Abby's last day. Her leave was up and work was beckoning. He could tell that she was getting jittery for Major Mass-Spec and was probably wondering if the temp scientist had messed with her babies in her absence.

He'd been surprised to survive the whirlwind that was Ms. Scuito.

When she'd first turned up he didn't think he would.

If he were honest, had it been anyone other than Abby inserting themselves into his life right now he would have blown long ago and told whoever to fuck off and leave him be. But Abby was a law unto herself. Her optimism rubbed off on you whether you wanted it to or not. The week had flown by, and he'd actually found himself relaxing into it.

He hadn't had a drink or taken anything stronger than aspirin since Abs had arrived on his doorstep.

Even though no words had been spoken about his drinking and pill popping, in just a week her unwavering faith in him had gradually worn him down until he really believed that he could do it. He still found himself craving the numbness his excesses had given him but he now felt like giving them up wasn't a totally unachievable goal. He was just taking it a day at a time. Having Andrea along for the ride helped. Being with someone who was struggling as much as he was made him feel less of a failure.

Seven days and he'd gone from wishing Abby would leave to now dreading how he'd feel when she did.

He looked out the window at the passing scenery.

"Where are we going, Abs?"

"You'll see." Abby pursed her lips.

Okay, so no clues. He smiled.

"How are you feeling?" she suddenly asked.

"Good, thanks," he replied automatically. "I don't feel like I have an angry Grandma shoving a six inch knitting needle into my hip anymore so I'm good."

He kept the fact that he still felt like he was running a fever and could hurl his breakfast at any moment to himself and smiled at Abby.

"Okay," her husky voice replied.

Ahh, they were still playing the ignorance is bliss game.

He was a coward and on shaky ground as it was. His coping mechanisms were still shot and he was aware he was taking baby steps when it came to regaining his control. Each time he lied, he fully expected to get called on it. They had yet to have a conversation that approached anything remotely personal and that was beginning to freak him out a little.

If there was one person who could read him like a book, it was Abby. She always spoke her mind so it was kind of like being with alt-world version of her. Washington Abby would have kicked his ass by now.

She reached over and squeezed his hand.

He squeezed her hand back and stared at the dashboard in an attempt to quell the beast inside. He really didn't want to have to ask her to pull over so he could upchuck.

He must have drifted off because he awoke with Abby gently shaking his shoulder. He blinked several times and surreptitiously wiped a hand over his face to obliterate any drool that he might have on his chin.

"We here…wherever here might be?" He spoke through a yawn.

"Yup."

Okay, now he couldn't help notice that Abby looked a little anxious now. Warning bells were sounding in his head. He stared at the terracotta-colored building they'd pulled up to. There was a sign outside declaring the place as Sunshine House.

Sunshine House? If Abby was trying to talk him to joining some kind of happy, clappy Moonie cult he was out of here.

"Come on." She linked her arm through his and pulled him towards the doors.

The unique smell of hospital assaulted his nose the minute he crossed the threshold — that blend of antiseptic and disinfectant mixed with unappetizing food smells.

He put the brakes on and glared at Abby.

No fucking way.

"Please, Tony." She pulled his hand.

"Abs," he warned and yanked his arm out of hers.

He turned and was halfway to the door when he heard a cheerful voice behind him.

"Are you Tony? Abby said you were coming to play with us!"

He turned and saw a little boy no older than five wrapped up in a Winnie the Pooh robe. Tony's jaw clenched as he took in the fact that he had no hair, no eyebrows and was holding onto a drip stand. His face had the unnatural rosy glow of illness about it. He was beaming up at him expectantly. To add insult to injury several more kids appeared and looked as equally excited to see him.

He looked over at Abby and glared. She just grinned at him and nodded towards the children.

This was a fucking ambush.

A nurse approached them and called a greeting and hugged Abby tightly, giving him no doubt that Abs was a regular here.

He had two choices. One was to yell at Abby and walk away and the other choice? Well, the other choice was already placing a small clammy hand inside his and looking up at him like he was the second coming. Other excited kids were surrounding him all talking at once.

"Abby said you like games…"

"Can you play Candyland with us…"

"Oh, oh and she said you could tell stories…can you tell us a story?"

He looked over at Abby as he was herded away. She looked sheepishly at him but there was also something else there behind her eyes. Something he couldn't read. He plastered a smile on his face and allowed the kids to drag him into what looked like a day room filled with toys and books.

He played 'Go Fish,' he played 'Happy Families' and many other games that went by in a blur of colored plastic and noise. He was clambered on, pulled around and generally abused until he had to cry Uncle.

He listened as they spoke in a matter-of-fact way about their illnesses, explaining medical terms to him that had no right coming out of mouths so young. He listened and could honestly say that he was lost for words.

Haunted parents hovered in the periphery, the strain showing on their faces.

It didn't take him long to work out what this place was. It wasn't a hospital, it was a tragic fucking waiting room.

They were all dying yet they all had one thing in common. Each had an inner energy for life no matter how ill and tired they were. They still wanted to play; they still wanted to be kids even though they had been forced by circumstance to grow up far too soon.

Jesus, one solemn little girl had proudly shown him her chest drain while clutching a fucking stuffed frog.

At that moment he hated Abby. Really hated her.

But he smiled and hugged and horsed around even though he didn't get along with kids. Even though he really didn't like kids.

A short while later several nurses came into the room and started shepherding them away for naps and treatments.

He waved and responded to their pleas that he'd come back soon.

With a face like thunder he walked right past Abby and ignored her calls.

He needed air.

Now.

In the car park the nausea he'd been feeling all morning finally won out.

He bent double and spattered the asphalt. He heaved and heaved, acutely aware that in the silence of the morning it sounded like someone was torturing a cat. It was only when he finally stopped that he realized that a hand was rubbing his back and a voice was muttering soothing words in his ear.

Abby gently steered him away from the vomit towards the car in silence. He stood for a moment not sure of anything then slid down the passenger door until his ass hit the ground.

Eventually, Abby spoke.

"I brought you here because—"

He cut her off.

"I get it, Abby. I need to get my head out my ass. I'm a self-absorbed, selfish —"

"No…No! Do. Not. Finish. That. Sentence. Buster."

She sounded angry and exasperated with him.

"Before you joined NCIS, I used to let things get to me. I'd get so down that it was all I can do to drag my ass into work — and you know how much I love my work — so that's how bad it used to get. But then one day Sister Rosita brought me here. It's a horrible place but it's also beautiful because there is so much hope. Just seeing how those kids handle everything that's been dealt them made me proud to be alive and kind of put my problems into perspective. It helps me to realize there are people far worse off than me, and I think it'll help you. You're one of the kindest, most empathic people I know, Tony. I know you don't let people see that side of you but it's true. The kids are always so happy to see new people, people that aren't their parents or the doctors or nurses. So now whenever feel like shit because I have to troll through a pervert's laptop looking at kiddy porn or I'm under some car that some asshole has blown apart I come here."

"But you're one of the happiest people I know, Abby. You're always so damn optimistic," he muttered.

"Oh come on, Tony. I'm a fucking Goth! We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders."

She gave a low throaty chuckle.

"You didn't know me through my depressive stage, DiNozzo. Oh, it was baaad. I listened to The Smiths constantly and walked around like the world was about to end but the difference between us is that I relied on my friends. I talked to them. I let them in. I'm one of your best friends, Tony, and not once did you come to me and to be honest I feel pretty pissed at you. Do you honestly think I'd bring you here to give you a guilt trip? I did not do it because I think you are being self indulgent, Tony. You've had more shit thrown at you the past few years than anyone deserves, I'm surprised you haven't gone Tonto before now. You don't work in an environment that is conducive to good mental health, getting shot at and blown up. I don't know how you guys do it."

She snuggled into him.

"I'm worried about you. We all are but me especially because I know you and I know how much you are hurting and I know how much you are hiding from me right now. Andrea talks a lot, you know. She's told me everything. Tony, I don't want to lose you. Promise me that you won't do anything stupid again. I couldn't deal with that…I couldn't…"

He stared steadfastly at his shoes checking to see if they'd managed to escape the puke fest.

"Tony?"

Yup, they seemed to be okay.

"Tony, please look at me."

Nope. Couldn't do that right now because….because…

Abby's arms were suddenly around him and he found himself crying like a fucking little girl.

It wasn't pretty.

Certainly not like the movies where invariably if the masculine hero of the piece broke down it was a few manly tears he would quickly dash away and then continue on with his dignity intact.

Nope.

He was grabby and needy.

Burrowing into her neck like a frightened kid.

There was snot, a lot of snot.

And he couldn't help it. He didn't even know what he was crying for.

Kate.

Paula.

Jenny.

Jeanne.

His mother.

The little girl with the frog.

He couldn't remember the last time he had actually cried and it was like the floodgates had opened.

After what seemed like an age he eventually managed to control himself and pulled away from Abby. He felt as embarrassed as hell. He sniffed and used his sleeve in lieu of a tissue to wipe his nose.

Abby looked stricken. Whether it was because of the creases he'd put in her shirt or because she was now terrified he had finally snapped, he didn't know.

They sat in silence, and he was acutely aware of the cold ground seeping through the ass of his jeans but moving seemed impossible.

Abby laced her fingers through his and squeezed tight.

"Sorry, Abs,"

She smiled at him and with a flick of her pigtails she sprung up.

"Come on. My posterior has gone numb. I think we need food…Oh! I want a milkshake!"

He couldn't help but laugh.

Only Abby could respond to someone spectacularly breaking down on them with a hankering for strawberry milk.

As she hauled him upwards he suspected that this latest emotional clusterfuck had been what Abby had been waiting for since she'd turned up.

Let's face it; nothing broke down barriers quite like leaving a trail of snot on a friend's shoulder.

And the strange thing was it had actually felt good to let all that emotional baggage go.

To actually let it all out after years of keeping it all wound tight inside.

They sat in a diner eating hamburgers and drinking malted milks.

And they talked.

It hadn't been as bad as he expected. Abby was a good listener, always had been, and he felt ashamed at shutting her out.

He couldn't understand now why he'd done so.

This time when he promised to think hard before handing in his resignation he actually meant it because her eyes had filled up with tears.

For her he would hold off writing that letter because he realized that not working with Abby and seeing her cheerful face would be one of the main things he'd truly miss if he left NCIS.

She also made him promise to not fuck it up with Andrea.

He'd gone quiet over that one and her radar had gone into overdrive. He sat through a mini lecture on commitment and the need to settle down eventually because apparently he couldn't tomcat around forever.

He thought about letting it all go over his head but in the spirit of openness they were now sharing he didn't.

So he told her how he couldn't realistically see a future with Andrea. If they could both move on from the shit in both their lives, they would always just be stuck in a holding pattern and he knew the old habits would resurface again. Just like his drinking went in cycles so would they. It might take a bad day at work or something as stupid as the washer not working or an argument between them and they'd be back to square one. Back to the rough sex, back to her beating the crap out of him and him letting her.

It took a lot to shock Abby but he could see by the look on her face he had managed it. She reached over and unbuttoned his shirt. She ran her fingers over the bruises and scars.

He could see it all crystallize for her then at that moment as it dawned on her that whatever he was going through now it went far beyond an adult hissy fit. He did up his shirt and kissed her hand.

He then noticed the steel in her eyes. Crap. Abby was intending to protect her cub newfound friendships be damned.

He told her it would be okay, he could handle it.

When that didn't work he brought up Gibbs. He was the strongest person they knew but losing his wife and kids had affected the man in ways they could never know. Andrea wasn't a marine used to seeing death at close quarters; she was a normal woman who was doing the best she could by any means that took.

The fire still remained in her eyes but she tried to hide it by concentrating on her milkshake.

Now he knew why he was never 100% honest with people….it only opened up a can of worms.

TBC

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