Chapter 14: Breakdown

"John, can I speak to you?" Cragen stood in the doorway of his office, stopping John, Maria and Fin from heading out the door. John was wanting to get her back home right after her case, but the look on Cragen's face told him different.

"Sure, Cap. Fin, can you take Maria to my place? I'll take a taxi back. Stay with her until I get back."

"Sure, Munch." Fin turned to Maria, seeing her give a small nod. John waited until the were out the door before looking back at Cragen. "What did you want to speak about, Cap?"

"I was just speaking to Maria's captain in Boston and he suggests that she be transferred here. I know you care about her and McKern thinks that she is better off here anyway. He's working on a new team of detectives and they know about what happened to her. She doesn't need that kind of publicity. What do you think?"

John's tired face brightened up with this new information. Instead of her returning to Boston, again, she could stay in the city - with him. "That would be wonderful, sir. But why don't you tell her?"

"Well, she needs to hear it from you. She loves you, John. You love her. She needs to hear it come from you instead of me or anyone else. McKern said that he will pay to have her stuff moved up here. Meaning, she's going to need her own place or she moves in with you."

"Moving her stuff in with me will make it cramped, but I'll ask her later tonight. Anything else?"

"Just one more thing. Kevin is being sent to Boston for his trial for the crimes he committed there. He might get the death sentence if everything goes well."

"That's wonderful. She's going to love to hear all of this. Goodnight, Don." Heading out of the station house, John flagged down a taxi and headed to his apartment.

Slowly opening the door to his place, John soon had a feeling something wasn't that right. "Fin?" Walking around a corner, he had to avoid bumping into him as Fin came down the hallway from where a coat closet was located. "What's the matter?"

Fin heavily sighed as he motioned John to follow him. "I was just about to call you - her PTSD seems to have kicked in and she's hiding in the closet right now." Using his hand to tell John to keep his voice down, he continued, "She became very nervous about something about five minutes ago and she disappeared into the closet soon after."

"Oh, Jesus," John muttered under his breath when Fin slowly pushed a few coats aside and showed where she was huddling. With her arms wrapped firmly around her knees, Maria's face was hidden from their view as she muttered something non understandable. "Call Huang and tell him to get over here fast," Munch whispered to Fin before kneeling down to look at her better.

Moving a few items out of the way and moving into the tight space, John slipped his hand into her cold one and watched her look at him over her glasses. Her stare gave him chills. "Hey, sweetie. What's the matter?" She continued to stare at him, but said nothing. "It's me, Maria. You can trust me, remember?"

"I don't want to go back," Her voice was low in tone, matching the look she gave him. Her fingers never returned the squeeze he gave her, but her stare wasn't threatening - it was pure fear. "I can't...go back there. I can't go back."

"Where can't you go back to?" He moved closer as if trying to get to that dark place she was about to run to. "What place, sweetheart?"

She lifted her head and he could see she was heading down a dark place. "I can't go back to the blood and tears. I can't go back to Boston where I'm not safe - it'll happen again and he'll kill me again. He'll kill everyone all over again and nothing can stop him."

"He didn't kill you, baby. I'm right here with you and he's never going to get you-"

"He did," Her voice rose from the rising stress. She pulled away from him and reached for something beside her. John reaction was to reach where her hand was going and find what she grabbing for - a knife.

John's heart dropped when he saw it and quickly removed it from her reach. He wasn't angry, but very scared and very concerned. "Oh, Maria...," he paused to look at her. "What were you going to do with this?"

Tears rolling down her cheeks, Maria curled herself into a ball in the corner of the dark space. "I...wanted protection. I-I'm so sorry, John."

Seeing movement outside the tight space, he motioned Huang to come closer as he pulled her close to him and calmed her. "Shh, it's not your fault, sweetie. You're not going back to Boston anyway - Cragen and McKern made sure of that." Through her tears, she looked up at him and didn't notice Huang kneeling down and uncap a syringe. "You are going to stay here in New York and with me, okay? Don't think things that this because I'm not going to let that stuff happen." Quickly glancing at George, he nodded to give her the shot while she was distracted.

"You mean...I'm going to stay with you?" Her green eyes watching him carefully as he nodded his head. Feeling a slight prick on her arm, she let out a small gasp and turned her head, locking her eyes on Huang.

"Easy, Maria...it's just me." He said slowly, as he pushed the solution into her system. Rubbing his thumb where the needle had injected, he stood up and out of the way in case she lashed out in fear. Standing where Fin was watching, George sighed at the hope it would kick in soon. "C'mon, work fast," he whispered as she rest her head against John's shoulder.

Slowly stroking her arm, John placed a small kiss on her forehead and said softly, "Yes, you are going to stay here with me and you're being permanently transferred to work here - if you want to. Just relax, babe, and don't worry about anything right now."

"But...," her eyes started drooping slightly from the sedation in her system and felt a pair of different hands helping her out of the tight corner. Falling to her knees, she felt Fin's arms pick her up and carry her into John's bedroom, placing her gently on the bed.

Once she was tucked in and the light was lowered, the three men sat at the table with the view of the bedroom in John's point of view. The door was wide open just in case he needed to rush to her side quickly. "I was starting to wonder when it was going to arise. I should have known this was going to happen soon."

"It's not your fault, John. With the stress of the trial and facing him down, the fear of going back to Boston seems to have drawn it out. Did she say anything to you that made any sense?" Huang watched him carefully as he leaned forward in his seat.

"She said something along the line of fearing he was going to kill her again...but I don't really understand that. I can understand the knife," he waved his hand to where the knife had been placed. "As she wants protection, she doesn't need it though."

"In her mind, she does. Now that the trial is over with and she has faced him, she's afraid that he's going to get out and he'll target her again. Maria's on high alert right now and is really close to hiding in her own mind and locking everything out." Huang took time to stare at his hands as he thought of what to say. "Don't let her do that, John. It's important to be there for her or she'll do something she's not aware of."

John nodded, feeling like it was the only thing he could do at that moment before looking at Fin. "Could you take Ace out while we discuss more?" Nodding with understanding, Fin gently nudged Ace out the door and left John with Huang. "I did tell her that she's not going back, as her former captain is allowing her to stay here, but...," He paused once again to gather his thoughts. "Do you, seriously, see her working at our SVU and will she require to be on more medication?"

"Yes and yes, with major work from me. Once I get a clear idea of what's going on with her, I'll give a prescription of medication to deal with her PTSD." George took a deep sigh as he shifted in his seat while John's eyes continued to stare at the large knife. "John, she was not going to hurt any of us with that knife. Like you said, she wanted protection."

"I know," John said softly as he gripped it with his long fingers and carried into the kitchen. "It just scares me to see her like this. She was doing so well with dealing with the shit that's been happening and I really thought she wasn't going to do that." He leaned against his kitchen counter and gave Huang a sad look behind his tinted glasses. "To be honest, I'm scared for her right now."

Nodding in understanding, Huang stood and slowly walked into the bedroom to check on her. Placing two fingers on the pulse in her neck, he checked his watch for a few moments before pulling away. Turning his head, he could see that John was watching from a distance to allow him to check her over. "All we can really do right now is to make sure she doesn't try to do anything that can put her life in danger. I'm not saying she will," He added quickly. "But it's something to watch carefully."

"I understand, also...," He paused as he didn't know how to describe what he was trying to say. "Can I pass something to you that is very personal?"

"Absolutely."

John motioned for him to step out the room and into the living room. "When...the time comes for her and I to rekindle our intimate relationship, what should I do in case she freaks out when we start to become passionate?"

"Take things slow for one thing and wait for her to say if she wants to have sex, John. If she doesn't want physical contact, don't force her, but if she wants a certain amount of contact, let her tell you what's comfortable and what isn't. Let her regain the trust you two had before her rape and she'll open up to you and will open up more to the thought of sexual contact. She knows you love her, but having any sexual contact right now is going to be tough for her."

"Okay," John agreed as Huang paused for a moment.

"When you both move to having that kind of contact and she tenses up, stop at that moment and don't continue unless she says so. If she doesn't want to continue, don't take in personally and try to support her. For the first few times of making love, let her be the boss and say what she finds is comfortable." Huang's eyes watched as John took in all he had said about how to help her. "I know you're a patient man, John. You work with people like her all the time and I know you can help her as long as she needs a boost."

Slowly walking back into the bedroom and sitting down next to her sedated body, John gently reached out and stroked her left cheek, glancing up at Huang. "I would never consider forcing her, George. I would rather see her recover from this and become more open on her own instead of moving at a fast pace and cause more trauma. Before her breakdown, she had opened up a little so I could have checked her healing in places she would not show to any other person. Would that be harmed now?"

"It depends how she's feeling when she wakes up and settles more. Give her some time, John, and she'll relax more." Hearing a door opening and closing, Huang turned to see Fin standing there with a very alert Ace beside him. turning back to look at John's troublesome face, he inhaled a slow breath. "Want me to stay for a few hours and make sure she's okay?"

John shook his head and said quietly, "If I need you, I'll call."

As quickly as he turned to leave, did he turn back around with a thought on his mind. "Also, would you mind if I suggest something to help her along?"

"Sure."

"It all depends with how you feel about doing this with her, but it's called Yoni Massage. I've offered it to some women, who have partners, who have been sexually abused. It basically involves massaging her body, helping her relax and, over time, it'll help her with sexual healing. If you both are interested in trying, let me know and I'll being over a book that I've used before. You're more then welcome to look it up on-line to get an idea of what it is."

"Okay. Thanks, Huang." Watching Huang give a nod and leave, Fin also gave a small wave as he prepared to leave. "See you in the morning?"

"If you can." Fin said as he picked up his coat and left with a small smile.

Once they were alone, John continued to give calming strokes as he watched her breath. Smiling when she unconsciously leaned his hand, his thoughts went back to what George had said about the massage. At that moment, he would have looked it up, but being close to her was more important.

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By that morning, only Elliot and Olivia were really concerned when John nor Maria hadn't shown up. Staring at each other with concern, they both headed to Cragen's office and saw him on the phone."Right, okay. You wouldn't mind letting me know when he's done with her?"

Glancing up to see the two standing there, he motioned them to close the door and sit with one hand. Hanging up the phone, Cragen leaned forward in his seat and kept his voice down as he started speaking. "Maria had a breakdown last night and John caught her with a knife."

"Oh, no," Olivia sighed. "How bad was it?"

"Pretty bad. It was right after the trial when Fin took her home so I had a chance to speak to John. He told me she was saying something along the line of not wanting to go back to Boston as he would get out and kill her again."

"Again?" Elliot asked as he shifted in his seat and leaned forward. "What does she mean by that?"

Cragen shook his head. "Not sure yet, but John's thinking that she feels part of her died when she was raped and tortured - hence why she's not really herself around us. If he gets out, which he might not, he'll get a hold of her and kill her. Again. But, it's just a theory."

"How's she doing this morning?"

"A little out of it. Fin had called Huang right after John got home and gave her a shot to relax her. She may or may not remember what she said last night, but Huang's with her right now."

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Maria leaned forward on the dining table, her face hidden her hands. "I...don't remember what I did last night."

"It's alright, Maria," Huang folded his fingers together on his lap. "Don't force yourself to remember what happened. You didn't do anything that would have caused harm to anyone and you didn't harm yourself." His eyes darted over to see John leaned against the wall, arms crossed, before looking back at her. "Do you remember anything you said last night?"

"Bits and pieces, but not enough that makes sense to me." She sniffled a little as she turned to look at him and their eyes locked. "I didn't hurt anyone? Right?"

John's shoulders relaxed at the desperate look on her face and spoke softly to her. "You didn't, sweetie," he walked over and kneeled down beside her. "You wanted to protect yourself with that knife, but you didn't hurt anyone."

"What I'm going to suggest is to place you onto a low dosage of new medication to help you out and," he paused to be sure if he had their full attention, "I suggested a type of massage that, I believe, can help you. It does involve being fully unclothed with each other, but that's part of the recovery."

"It's what you had mentioned last night, right?" John moved a chair next to her and slipped into it.

"Correct. Yoni Massage is what it's called and I have suggested it to other couples when one has been suffering from certain abuse or who are just not able to understand each other well enough. It's an idea to go slow at first and not to push too hard on each other while becoming more relaxed with each other and to become more open together."

"Can I think about it?" Maria asked as she reached a hand down and linked her cold fingers with John's warm ones.

Huang gave a small smile while nodding at the same time. "Sure. When you feel more comfortable, Maria, let me know. Okay?" Standing and shaking her hand carefully, Huang gave John's shoulder a squeeze before heading out the door.

Once by themselves, John watched Maria carefully as she continued to sit there and stared at the table top. Giving her hand a small squeeze to get her to look at him, he leaned over and pulled her into a tight hug. Wrapping her free arm around his back and gripping firming, no words had to be spoken for what she was feeling at that moment. The firm hold she had around his back told him she was scared for what happened last night.

Feeling her sigh against him and moving to rest her cheek against his chest, John pulled away enough to see her eyes closed and a small smile on her lips. "Sweetie," her eyes opened slowly and looked at him, "you okay now?"

"Better, I guess," She opened her eyes and looked in his. "I just want to forget all this and just move on, I really do. I...," she paused and stood up, moving her arms so it looked like she was hugging herself. "I want to able to have you touch me without me thinking back to what had happened. You know what I mean?"

John gave a firm nod and understood fully what she meant. She wants to be able to make love without freaking out. Oh, sweetheart. "You know I'm not going to consider it unless you feel ready, right?" He waited until she nodded before continuing. "I had looked up what Huang has mentioned and I think it will work for you. But, it depends if you want to try, Maria."

"Hm," Her eyes stared into his before they shifted, staring at the floor. "When I feel comfortable, but for right now, I need to soak in the shower again."

Standing and walking to stand in front of her, he placed his hands on her shoulders and lightly massaged them. Tilting her head up to look at him, he could see the pain she still had in her green eyes and he felt his heart ache. Releasing a slow breath, John dipped his head down and brushed his lips against hers, feeling her hesitate for a brief second. Slowly pressing forward, Maria placed one hand on his chest and took a small fist full of his shirt.

Breaking the kiss, John smiled as she rested her cheek against his chest. "You all right?" She lifted her head and nodded slightly. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm hanging on," She pulled away and worked her way to the bathroom. "I should go take that shower I said I was going to take." She could feel John's dark eyes watching her as she turned and flipped on the switch. As she shut the door, a hand stopping it startled Maria and watched as John's head peeked in. A smile broke the blank look on her face as she asked, "What would you like?"

Opening the door wider and stepping in, John reached out and took her hand. "Mind if I join? I promise to be gentle," He wished for her to say, yes, but he did ask for her permission.

Smile growing wider on her features, Maria nodded as she answered, "I know you're gentle." She raised a brow as a thought passed through her mind. "Is this your way of making me feel more comfortable or have you been craving to wash my hair?"

Reaching around her and turning on the water, John helped her out of her sweatshirt as he said, "A little bit of both, to tell you the truth. I'm surprised to see you smiling when I asked." Maria gave a small shrug as she reached out to help him out of his shirt. "What? Not going to explain that?"

"I was half hoping for you to ask to join me, that's all. Not like you haven't seen me without anything on before," Keeping their eyes on each other's, John reached behind her and carefully unhooked her bra, placing it in the hamper without breaking eye contact. "So," Maria started softly as she felt his hands move from her arms to her shoulders. "Who's going to get in first?"

"Being a gentleman," He stepped back and removed the rest of his clothing, "I'll test it out to see if it's the right temperature for you." Seeing her smile again, he reached a hand in and the pounding water and felt it to at a comfortable temperature. Turning his head back around to look at Maria, he surprised to see she had removed the rest of her clothing while he wasn't looking. "Ladies first?"

No sooner had they both stepped in did John pull her into a tight embrace, his lips against her temple as her hands moved up his sides. Inhaling his scent and closing her eyes, Maria rested her cheek against his chest and gave a small smile. "Thank you, John."

"You're very welcome, baby," He softly replied as he rested his chin on her head while her arms encircled him and she started to shiver slightly. "Are you cold? I can turn up the hot water for you."

Following his spin with her fingertips, she pressed a small kiss to his collar bone. "No, I'm just shaking because I'm happy to be in your arms." She lifted her head and looked into his dark eyes. "Just like this."

John moved his hand to caress her face as their faces slowly moved closer together, both of them being able to feel each other's breath. Feeling her inhale a deep breath to steady herself, John slowly ran his fingers through her hair as their lips brushed together for the first time since they said good bye a few years back. Taking a chance to brush his tongue along her bottom lips, Maria willingly allowed him to enter. Arms wrapped securely around each other, they deepened the kiss to the point John almost pressed her up against the shower wall. Gradually breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together, John gently nuzzled his nose against her's, both grinning.

"You have no idea how long I've been wanting to kiss you like that," He continued to smile while Maria tipped her head back and kissed his jaw. "You do know that when you move back down here, you're going to need your own apartment, right?" He tilted his head down to look in her green eyes. "I can't have you live here all the time. We would break many rules doing that."

"I know and we'll work on that," Something flashed in her eyes he understand. "For now, I'm going to live for just this and enjoy being in your arms." She reached a hand up to comb his water soaked hair from his eyes, feeling him lean into her touch. "I just want to be with you to take my pain away."

Lifting her chin up, John dipped his head and brushed his lips against her neck scar. Sighing into his touch, Maria chuckled lightly when his tongue ran across the scarred flesh. "How about that?"

"Okay, that helps too." She laughed softly before their lips connected again.

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Two weeks later:

By the mid-afternoon, Cragen handed Maria back her holsters and two Glocks. "Everything is all set. Paperwork is done, your new badge is right here," he patted a yellow envelope, "along with Ace's. You have also passed your firing test and passed with flying colors." He smiled at her as he stood to shake her hand. "Welcome to the team, Detective Maria Frank."

Putting her guns into the respectable holsters, she took a hold of the two badges, reliving a flashback. She saw David's body laying in a pool of blood, eyes black and lifeless. Why am I seeing that now?, she thought as she snapped Ace's badge into his harness.

Sighing at that painful memory, she clipped her new badge on her belt, starting to feel like a detective again. Seeing John watching her, she flashed him a small smile, trying to cover her sadness from him. Too late. He saw that small flash of something depressing on her face. He had a strong feeling that she was remembering something painful.

While Elliot and Olivia were out finishing an old case, John pulled her aside, to where the vending machines were and grabbed for a few soda cans to cover up them standing there. "What's the matter? I could see that you were upset about something earlier." He handed her a can and noticed her hands were shaking.

Holding the can with both hands to steady herself, Maria glanced at him and saw his eyes reading her carefully. "Nothing. I...I just had a flashback to one of our crime scenes."

"How is that nothing?" He whispered, keeping a professional distance from her. "Which one?"

"My partner, David. He had been murdered in his own home, while his family was out for the night, and we were called there. No one told us it was a fellow detective, nothing less my partner, until we got there. Just...his eyes stared at me as if frozen in time and I could see the terror in those blank orbs, John." She placed the can down and ran her hands through her hair. "I just got my guns back and a new badge. I don't need this right now and..." She stopped and tried hard to compose herself. "I don't know anymore."

Taking a long sip from his can and watching her carefully through his transitions, John lowered his voice so only she could hear him say, "What some comfort for tonight? Nothing too frisky, but a little something to help you relax during this transition."

Inhaling a deep breath and letting it out through her nostrils slowly, Maria picked up her can and lightly clicked it with his. "Sure." She gave him a small smile before turning and walked away, knowing he was watching her walk off, her two securely placed Glocks finally giving him the impression she was a detective.