A/N: Yes, it's another Heritage update for you! Sorry it took so long (so long for me, anyway) but I have been afflicted with a touch of writer's block... So, give it a read and I hope you're interested enough to want to read more, so let me know!
If you're waiting on a 'Paranoia', 'Hysteria', or 'Anew', update, I'm sorry for the delay, but they have all been completely stymied by the writer's block - my apologies, but I've managed to emulate Benson and get myself a touch of the ol' PTSD.
On an unrelated note - any of you who live in New York, for the love of all that is holy be careful on the F train. There's a serial attacker working it and the stations it serves, and trust me, he can get anyone.
inspirationimagination - I love that you loved it so much. I was incredibly proud of those two chapters because they could both have gone so, so wrong, but I didn't think that they had... and I'm glad you agreed. As ever, I love using Munch in an important role... he's maybe my third favourite character on the show (no prizes for guessing who the first two are...) I also wanted to break up the intensity with a bit of humour, as I always like to do - in a way that sort of reflects life because however bad everything is going, there's always a few little light touches along the way, and I tend to focus hard on trying to find the humour in everything, if only to preserve my sanity a little... But anyway, your review was AMAZING, it completely made my week, and thank you so, so much for it. You're always awesome =)
courtneylovejason - I very much enjoyed the mental image of my favourite set of platonic partners tag-teaming the sonofabitch uninterrupted, and I'm glad that you did too...
lou3174 - I'm glad you liked the humour, I always try to use a little bit of it in everything I write, however dark the subject matter.
PushTheButton - I always try and use private thoughts interspersed with the dialogue because, no matter how close people are, no one ever, EVER shares everything with someone else. Especially with something like this, what goes unspoken is just as and sometimes more important than the actual spoken words are.
Hutch917 - I'm happy you liked it, and hopefully you will like this one just as much.
gemfinder360 - welcome to my little world of E/O fic, I don't think you've ever reviewed me before but thank you! I hope you become one of my regulars, and of course that you like this chapter too!
Kristy6 - I know that you didn't review the last one because you're so busy, but hopefully this one will go a ways towards balancing out what you thought of Chapter 10 - like I said before, it can be kind of hard to get your head around the reasoning if you've not experienced something like this before, and sometimes I can forget that.
Anyway, long, LONG note over, here's the new chapter, and I really, REALLY hope that you like it (and don't forget to send me a review to let me know!)
Olivia shifted uncomfortably, feeling Elliot's arm tighten around her middle. Her stomach hurt. It had been hurting all day, a sort of low-down burning cramp that just wouldn't go away. Maybe it's my period. No. It was a different kind of pain than that. Anyway, after... IT... had happened, six weeks before, she'd gone straight on the Pill (just in case it happened again, you know, not that it would, right? Right?) and she still had a week's worth of pills left in the packet.
She sighed. As if I didn't have enough to deal with without getting an upset stomach as well.
She heard Elliot mutter her name in his sleep and she pulled his hand closer up towards her face, stroking it thoughtfully with her thumb. It was almost two weeks since they'd, um, well, you know, and (Thank God) he hadn't mentioned it once. When he'd first brought her home after the scene at the precinct, he'd laid her down on his bed and she'd curled tightly into a ball, convinced that he was going to try something again or at least suggest it, but... he hadn't. He'd just tucked the covers in around her, stroking her hair as he told her awkwardly that he loved her, and then he'd sat in the chair beside the bed, reading case files (her case files?) and occasionally glancing up at her as she pretended to sleep.
Later that night, when he'd finally climbed into bed beside her, it had actually been her that made the first move, instinctively snuggling back into him and letting him wrap his arms tightly around her and clasp her hand in his. She was afraid for a minute that she was leading him on, that he would take it as an excuse to push for something more, but he hadn't, and she was glad.
It was as if he'd passed a test she hadn't even known she was setting him until after she'd done it.
She smiled and kissed his hand. She liked having him there, liked knowing that he was there to protect her, knowing that whenever she felt unsettled she just had to pull his arm more tightly around herself, and she'd feel him kiss the back of her neck and wrap himself protectively around her, muttering soothingly.
She felt another twinge and winced, her hand momentarily tightening around his before she could stop herself. Shit.
'Hmm?' Elliot was immediately awake, propping himself up on his elbow and leaning over her as he rubbed his eyes. 'Liv?' He brushed her hair back off the side of her face, quickly stifling a yawn. 'Are you OK?'
Yes, I'm fine, go back to sleep. 'I-' She winced again. 'Elliot, I don't really feel well.'
That's not like her. He frowned and sat up, brushing her hair back off her face as she rolled onto her back and looked up at him. 'What's wrong, Liv?'
'My stomach hurts.' Olivia mentally kicked herself as she realised how stupid she sounded. Did you seriously just wake him up because you had a stomachache? What are you, five? She felt a sudden rush of embarrassment. 'It's not that bad though, really, I'm fine-'
Oh, Liv... He smiled sympathetically and squeezed her hand. 'Do you want me to go and get you some water?' Although I'm thinking that a super-size Big Mac and fries meal with an extra-large milkshake might be more helpful right now. 'Or maybe some Tylenol?'
She bit her lip and nodded, and he smiled at her again, swinging his legs out of bed. 'OK, Liv.' He stroked her hand. 'I'll be right back.'
She heard his footsteps disappear down the hallway and rolled back onto her side, pulling the bedcovers up to her chin. She didn't like being alone. The few hours she spent each night curled up with Elliot in his bed were perhaps the only times she really felt safe.
But of course you had to find a way to ruin that too, didn't you?
She hadn't meant to. She'd love to spend the entire night there with him, feeling him holding her while she slept, but she just couldn't. Not now that she knew what she was capable of doing to him.
Almost every night she ended up having to force herself to crawl out of bed in the early hours of the morning and to curl up alone on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest and her eyes wide open, because it was the only way to make sure that she wouldn't hurt him. Not that she'd ever mean to, but...
But she was afraid of what she might do to him if he accidentally startled her during the night.
There was an awful time a few nights before, when she had selfishly decided to stay in his bed, convincing herself that she'd be fine... and then just as she had woken up after yet another nightmare, filled with panic, Elliot had moved in his sleep and his hand had landed on her hip-
(and then she was leaning over the side of the bed, feeling under the mattress for the knife she had hidden there, pulling it out and and oh God and)
She shivered. If he hadn't sleepily muttered her name as she leaned over him and somehow woken her out of it, she had no doubt as to what she would have done to him.
After everything he's done for me, I would have killed him right there without even blinking.
After that, every time she'd woken up in the middle of the night, however little she'd wanted to, she'd moved to the couch. She hated sleeping alone, but...
But however terrifying it was, it was better than putting him at risk every night for something that wasn't even his fault.
She'd had this awful nightmare two nights ago where she'd woken up and the whole room had been drenched in blood, and she was smeared in it up to her elbows, and he'd just been lying there, and no matter how much she shook him and shouted his name and that she was sorry he...
That had become another constant feature in her nightmares, the idea of waking up in the morning or coming out of one of her odd 'episodes' to find him dead, to find that she'd stabbed him or shot him or done God knows what else to him for no reason other than he had wanted to help her.
Oh shit. She was crying again. She pressed her face into the bedcovers and held her breath, trying to get a grip on herself before Elliot came back. I can't believe I nearly did that to him... after everything he's ever done for me, after everything he's put up with, I would have killed him without hesitating, without a second thought, just because I couldn't control myself.
She could hear his footsteps in the hallway. Shit. She quickly wiped her eyes, forcing herself to take some deep, calming breaths. OK, control yourself. Don't start sobbing again. He thinks that you're past that. Don't upset him. This isn't his fault.
'Liv?' She pulled down the bedcovers and saw him smiling reassuringly as he sat down beside her, holding a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water. 'Are you OK?'
She bit her lip again and nodded, feeling a sudden rush of guilt. He was so wonderful to her, the way he held her and talked to her, and the way he kept telling her that he loved her, even if she knew that he didn't mean it and that he was just saying it to make her feel better, it helped, it helped so much, and she'd still nearly... Before she could think about it she was sitting up, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him in to kiss her, pressing her lips firmly against his and reluctantly opening her mouth a little, surprised that it wasn't actually as hideous as she'd thought it was going to be-
He's getting off on this.
She felt herself tense. No, shut up.
He'd put down the Tylenol and the water and now he was kissing her back, his hands stroking the sides of her face, and she could feel him smiling as he kissed her, and-
He's getting off on thinking about last time, the way that you screamed in pain...
She tried to push the voice away. No, he's not, he's not, he loves me, he says he does, why would he say that? She felt him take her hand in his and she smiled, feeling a rush of warmth towards him as he began to stroke her palm with his thumb. See, he loves me...
He didn't love you before, though, did he? It was only AFTER, only AFTER what happened that he decided that he loved you...
Olivia felt her stomach turn over, the brief glow of warmth quickly smothered beneath the sick feeling now settling in her gut. No no no... She focused on keeping her lips moving, trying to ignore the nauseating, wet feeling of his mouth on hers, fighting the urge to gag and push him away. No, that wasn't possible...
He doesn't love you, he loves what happened to you.
Olivia felt a wave of revulsion. No, he loves me. He loves ME.
He'd suddenly stopped kissing her and he was pulling away. 'Liv-'
'What?' Oh God he can read my thoughts he knows he knows that I know-
'Liv, you're bleeding.' He was pointing behind her, his face full of concern.
'What?' She turned around and saw several small spots of brownish-red blood on the sheet. Shit. I was so sure that'd stopped by now.
'Liv-'
His eyes were still moving between her face and the spots of blood on the sheet, and she felt a sudden burning surge of rage and shame. 'Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so damn rough with me! Did you think of that? Or were you too busy thinking about what He did to me the whole time you were fucking me?'
Elliot's jaw dropped. 'Liv, I barely touched you!'
'But you would have done!'
'I... what?'
Don't you dare try and play dumb with me, asshole. 'You would have done, you would have touched me, you would have stuck your hand down my pants and-' Her voice caught in her throat as she suppressed the urge to gag. 'And... and groped my tits, and-' A look of disgust crossed her face. 'And TORN me...'
Oh God, I didn't, did I? 'But Olivia, you kissed me!' And I wouldn't do that to you again, I swear, not after last time, no matter how much you cried and begged me to. He sighed to himself. To be honest, since I started taking those antidepressants just for the side effects, so that I wouldn't trigger you by having any, um, unexpected and completely involuntary physiological issues during the night or first thing in the morning, I probably COULDN'T do that to you even if I wanted to... 'I didn't try to touch you anywhere, I just kissed you, and I did that because you kissed me first!' I kissed you because I love you, and I thought that you did to.
'So?' What the hell is wrong with him? 'That doesn't mean that it's OK to take advantage of me!' Didn't they ever teach you not to sleep with the victims back when you joined SVU?
'Take advantage? Olivia...' What the hell is she talking about now? He tried again. 'Olivia, I know that I've accidentally triggered you, and I'm sorry, but-'
She yanked her hand abruptly away from his. 'YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SEX WITH ME, ELLIOT!'
Elliot's stomach lurched. Oh God, I was afraid she might do this... 'Olivia, you asked me to do it. You begged me to do it, remember?' He looked searchingly at her, a note of pleading in his voice. It wouldn't be the first time a victim had accused a male cop of that, whether they'd actually had sex or not, but... the idea of HER thinking that he could do that was just... 'Please, Liv, tell me that you remember...' Oh God, please tell me that you remember consenting to it, please, because I didn't do that, I would never, ever do that, and you know that, I know that you do, you know that I would never hurt you... No, she's not thinking logically, Elliot, you know that...
She bit her lip and nodded. Of course I do, but... 'But you still shouldn't have done it, Elliot.'
Thank God. Oh, thank God. He took a deep breath, trying to think of a way to soothe her a little. 'Olivia, I'm so sorry, I swear, I thought that you liked it-'
I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GETTING OFF ON IT JUST AS MUCH AS I WAS...
Olivia froze. 'What...' Her voice caught in her throat. 'What did you just say?' How could you have thought that I LIKED IT?
Elliot cursed himself. Nicely done, you utter, UTTER bastard... 'Olivia, I...' He didn't know what to say that wouldn't just make it worse. 'I mean, I thought you wanted me-'
PLEASE, YOU WANTED ME TO.
'I didn't I didn't I DIDN'T!' She lashed out and he lurched backwards, clutching the side of his face. 'I didn't want you, I DIDN'T!'
Elliot tried to stop the hurt from showing in his face. Of course she didn't, you selfish idiot. 'Olivia, I am so, so sorry-' The mood swings are normal, you know that, the mood swings are normal, it's not personal...
'You bastard, you bastard, you utter bastard...' Tears began to stream down her face, and he put his arms around her. 'How could you do this? How could you do this to me?' She shoved him hard with both hands but he was still holding her, rubbing her back soothingly. 'How, Elliot, how?' She began to sob quietly, resting her forehead against his chest, her palms flat against the front of his T-shirt and her fingers snagging against the fabric as her hands began to curl into fists. 'Why, El, why did this happen?' He tried to stroke her hair and she hit him again with the flat of her hand. 'NO!'
'Liv...' He sighed and started to rub her back again. You can lash out at me all you like but I'm not going anywhere. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. 'Come on, Liv, sssshhhh, come on...' Let her get it all out.
She began to pound on his chest with her fists. 'Bastard, bastard, bastard, BASTARD...'
I know I am. He bit his lip and hugged her tighter. 'Come on, Liv, ssssshhhh, it's OK, I'm here, it's OK...'
'No, no, it's not!' She shoved him hard again but he just wrapped his arms more tightly around her back. 'It's NOT, El!' Suddenly she broke down into loud sobs and threw her arms around him, burying her face in the side of his neck. 'It's not OK, El, it's not, it's not...' She began to cry harder. 'Elliot, it's not...'
'Ssssshhhh, Liv, I know.' He kissed the top of her head and began to stroke her hair again. 'I know.'
A/N: What do you think? A bit of a step back for her after all the trauma of the interview there, but hopefully that's not upset any of you too much. Anyway, as ever, send me a review to let me know, and I'll get to work on Chapter 15! (which is going to have more Kathy in...)