The song in this chapter is 'I Miss My Friend' by Darryl Worley. Let me know what you think!
I miss the look of surrender in your eyes, the way your soft brown hair would fall. I miss the power of your kiss when we made love. Oh but baby most of all, I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in, the one I felt the safest with, the one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again and let the light back in. I miss my friend.
I have a daughter, and a beautiful one at that. I have a fiancé, and an understanding one at that. I have a best friend, who I know will never leave my side. I have a job, one that I've dreamt about since I was a little kid. I have a family, who has supported me every step of the way. I have everything I could ever need and almost everything I could ever want. So why do I feel so empty?
I miss the color that you brought into my life; your golden smile, those blue-green eyes. And I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now, saying it'll be alright. I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in, the one I felt the safest with, the one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again and let the light back in. I miss my friend.
I'm not even sure when it started. It might have been when we found out what he'd been doing to her. It might have been before that because I knew in my heart that something was going on. It might have been that morning after the club. It might have been the day she came back to us. It might have been when she told us everything about her and Stu; their relationship, the proposal, the rejection. It might have been the night she came to me and told me she cheated on me. Or it could have been when I got the call.
That one phone call changed my whole life. She had been attacked in her hotel room and was unconscious. I barely remember the drive to the hospital or even the week she had been in the coma. I didn't have a clue what I'd do if I lost her. I felt like I was dying, I didn't leave her bedside. I wasn't worried about losing my job because she was the only thing that mattered. And then she left and my whole earth shattered around me..
I miss those times, I miss those nights, I even miss our silly fights. The making up, the morning talks, and those late afternoon walks. I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in, the one I felt the safest with, the one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again and let the light back in. I miss my friend.
My mom always told me that if you hold onto something tight enough, you'll never lose it. I thought that was what I was doing, but she never told me that if you hold on too tight you'll suffocate it. She never told me that if you held on too tight you'll squeeze it out of your hands and it'll leave you. I had held onto Elizabeth too tight and I had pushed her away from me.
Now, I had Kenzie. I was too afraid to hold on to her tightly, I wasn't holding on at all. I knew I was going to lose her eventually so I refused to let myself get too close to her. PJ told me that I could change that, that I didn't have to lose her. He said that if I wanted to keep her and love her I just needed to tell her that. So I proposed and we were happy for all about five seconds, because that's how long it was for Kenzie to tell her.
I saw the look on her face and it nearly broke me. Then I realized that I was already so unbelievably broken by that girl that it was impossible and stupid to be broken by her anymore. I moved on, I did what she wanted me to do, I fell in love again. Elizabeth was right when she told me she wasn't good for me because all she knew how to do was hurt me.
I miss my friend.
She proved that when she admitted to keeping our daughter a secret from me. The beautiful little girl who had my eyes and her mother's smile, it was impossible to not know who her parents were when you looked closely. Elizabeth proved that she wasn't good for me when she asked me not to hate our daughter, that she was the innocent one in our whole fucked up situation. As if I didn't know that, as if I could ever hate the little person who'd stolen my heart when I saw her run towards her mother the night i first saw she was back. Did she really think that little of me? After being together for almost 3 years, did she know nothing about me? How could she think that I'd ever hate anyone who was a part of her?
But I do. I hate Elizabeth Ann Lloyd, I mean Helms, so much that it literally hurts to be in the same room as her. Kenzie and PJ don't understand because they don't feel the pain I've felt since she left that hospital leaving nothing but a fucking letter behind. They didn't feel the pain that shot through me when I heard Elizabeth tell PJ that Payson Jade was mine. They didn't feel the pain that I felt when she told me her full name and the memories that flashed behind my eyelids about the day we talked about naming our possible future children.
I miss my friend.
I wanted her to hurt the way she hurt me. I wanted her to understand the pain I felt. I wanted her to know the hate I held in my heart for her. And I fully intended too, until she dropped the bomb that shattered my already broken heart. She was fucking married, to Gregory fucking Helms. Really? She left me to marry that motorcycle riding, pathetic excuse for a professional wrestler hick? Has she lost her goddamn mind?
I blew up after that. I let just about everything go and I all but forgot we weren't alone in the hotel room. I could have laughed when I saw the look on her face after I called her out on cheating on me. She didn't know how it felt, she didn't know how I felt. So I told her. And while doing so I managed to piss of Kenzie and PJ, but I honestly didn't care. Neither did Elizabeth because she knew everything I said was true, hell she didn't even defend herself, she let her brother do it. Again, she ran and hid behind someone else, let someone else clean up the mess she made.
It was then that I realized she never truly loved me. I was a safety net to her, she loved that I made her feel safe but she never fully loved me as a person. She probably didn't even really love Greg, he's just another safety net. At least she admitted that to me but being safe and feeling safe it's not enough to keep him. He'll break her heart, the way she broke mine. I will admit one thing though, I will not be the one to pick up the pieces again.
I miss my friend.
He's too pushy. He bosses her around. He pries into her business. He thinks he needs to know absolutely everything. His personality is too much for her.
She doesn't like being pushed. She's independent. She is secretive. She doesn't know how to open up the way he wants her to.
I shouldn't be worried about it though. I shouldn't care about their relationship unless it is harming my daughter. I shouldn't be thinking about Elizabeth while I'm at lunch with my daughter and fiancé. I shouldn't be staring at my daughter and picking out all of the ways she reminds me of her mother. I shouldn't be betting on when they are going to get a divorce. I shouldn't be imagining that Elizabeth had never left. I shouldn't be daydreaming about how happy a family we could have been.
And if I tell myself enough times that I hate her, maybe I really will. If I tell myself enough times that I'm over her, maybe I'll be able to move on. If I tell myself I don't love her, that I never loved her, maybe I'll start to believe a single thing I say.