Crack Whims

By: firefly

Characters: Itachi, Shizune

Prompt: Ink blots

The room was absolutely silent save for the faint ticking of the clock. Two pairs of eyes watched each other contemplatively from across the room as the silence was broken by a shuffle of papers. One of the sheets was raised questioningly for the other to see.

A few seconds passed.

"Sasuke."

There was a pause and a moment taken to record some notes. A second later, another piece of paper was held up for display.

"Sasuke."

The cycle was repeated to the same answer, over and over, until the last card was reached. Shizune wearily lifted it up for him to see, pen poised to record the same response she'd been observing for the past twenty minutes.

Uchiha Itachi stared at the disproportionate, shapeless blob on the white sheet in Shizune's hands and tilted his head to the side.

"Sasuke," he announced calmly. Then added, "he is smiling."

Shizune forced out a smile and thanked him for his cooperation, packing away the Rorschach test and her notes into her satchel. It had been forty-eight hours since a genin group and their jounin instructor had spotted Uchiha Itachi wandering aimlessly near the Konoha border, devoid of his Akatsuki cloak and mumbling something about "shuriken practice" and "Sasuke's graduation" to himself.

Though he hadn't put up any resistance to capture, Tsunade had still ordered the use of a tranquilizer to sedate him before he was brought into the village and into the hospital for assessment.

His Sharingan had been disabled through the careful administration of chakra-paralyzing drugs to his optic nerves, though the procedure seemed unnecessary in hindsight; he'd been surprisingly docile and compliant with his situation, offering no protests when his clothes had been replaced with a light blue hospital gown and cotton pajama pants. His room—a sterile, white padded cell with a Plexiglas wall she conducted her assessments through—was met with zero complaints, and he looked rather comfortable there, seated on his cot with his hands folded in his lap.

One thing had finally become clear to Shizune after forty-eight hours of intensive psychological testing: Uchiha Itachi had completely lost his mind.

"Why did you come back?" was one of the first questions she'd asked him.

His answer was spoken as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Because I promised to help Sasuke with shuriken practice."

"Do you know what the date is?"

"It is March 15th."

"Do you know where you are?"

"In a hospital."

"Do you acknowledge you have come here directly from the Akatsuki?"

"Yes."

"What are your intentions now that you've returned?"

He'd looked mildly contrite. "I owe Sasuke a training session."

"Are you aware that Sasuke is no longer in the village?"

"Yes. But he will be returning soon. I must wait for him here."

"How are you certain that he will return?"

Itachi had looked at her as if he'd grown tired of stating the obvious.

"I must fulfill my promise to help him train."

Shizune sighed to herself and glanced at the cell's occupant with unconcealed bewilderment. It was mind-boggling to see the once supremely revered prodigy of the Uchiha clan behaving in such a bizarre way. He almost seemed normal, had it not been for his glaringly obvious delusion of meeting with Sasuke for training any day now.

The fact that Sasuke had defected from Konoha, became a missing-nin and given himself to Orochimaru in the effort to slaughter his brother seemed not to perturb Itachi in the least. He acknowledged his younger brother's situation as if he was discussing Sasuke's grades at a parent-teacher meeting.

It was extremely unsettling.

Clearing her throat, Shizune stood up and tried to smile at her patient as he regarded her aloofly.

"The council is currently in the midst of investigating your…claims concerning the Uchiha massacre. There is an inquiry against Danzo-sama and, at your behest, the sealed files in sector B are being investigated to see if there is any truth to what you say."

Itachi nodded.

Shizune stared at him, wondering if this was all an incredibly elaborate, incredibly convincing ruse of insanity or if there was the actual, 0.002 per cent chance that his claims were true.

But how could they be? How could Danzo, an esteemed member of the council be guilty of ordering the slaughter of the entire Uchiha clan? Why would Itachi admit this now after years of pretending he'd killed them all of his own volition?

Shizune reached up to knead her temples and her patient blinked up at her.

"Headache, Shizune-san?"

She could only stare at him blankly while trying to suppress the urge to ask if he was simply just screwing with her.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said instead, and turned around and left.

When she returned the next morning to continue with her assessment, Shizune nearly shrieked at the sight that met her eyes through the other side of the Plexiglas.

"Sasuke will be joining our session today," Itachi informed her calmly as she stared in horrified awe at the thing he'd propped up beside him.

Some time in the night, he'd constructed an effigy of Sasuke out of his pillow, bed linens, and bits of his meals. Sasuke's torso was composed of a pillow and his head was an orange, on which Itachi had drawn a smiley face and stuck two eyes made from raisins. He had shredded his bed sheet into strips and stuck them on top of the orange in a shape that vaguely resembled Sasuke's hair.

'Sasuke' had no arms or legs and depended on the support of the chair to sit up.

Profoundly disturbed, Shizune slowly made her way over to her chair and sat down, scribbling notes furiously in her book as Itachi carefully arranged Sasuke to face her properly.

When Shizune felt she had gathered her bearings, she took a deep breath and struggled to keep a straight face as she spoke.

"What brings Sasuke here today?"

Itachi looked at the thing that was supposed to be his brother, seemingly listening for a response before he turned his head to look at her again.

"He is concerned."

Shizune stared at him blankly in disbelief. "About what?"

"About many things," Itachi replied ambiguously, glancing at his 'brother' in a grave manner. "We were discussing them last night. First and foremost, he is very concerned about the vending machines that have been put up around the village."

Shizune was suddenly seized with the belief that she had entered the twilight zone.

"Oh?" she asked, twitching. "Why is that?"

"He informs me that they dispense candy and…" he paused, as if finding his next words distasteful. "…fizzy drinks."

"He objects to fizzy drinks?"

"Of course," Itachi said, brow furrowing slightly. "Our mother always fed us wholesome food, which is conducive to success as a shinobi. What will the future generations of shinobi look like if they have access to such degenerative filth?"

"Do you share his concern?"

"To an extent. I am more pressed by the issue of sexual education in the academy."

Shizune almost choked.

"I find," Itachi continued, as if he hadn't noticed her coughing, "sexual education is taught far too early to advanced academy students. I myself had to learn at seven years old the inner workings of—"

Itachi stopped, suddenly, turning his head to look at the dummy next to him.

"Ah," he said after a moment, smiling faintly as he glanced at her. "Sasuke is embarrassed. He insists we move on."

Shizune gaped at him, pen dangling loosely from her fingers. Itachi cocked his head to the side and gave her a mildly concerned look.

"Is something wrong?"

"Itachi-san," she said after a long moment of silence, lowering her book and regarding him with incredulity. "You do realize that you are talking to an orange?"

Itachi stared at her expressionlessly. Then, very slowly, he spoke as though he was worried about her self-esteem.

"You do not resemble an orange in my eyes, Shizune-san."

Shizune buried her face in her palm as Itachi looked on in bemusement and Sasuke's head fell off.

The next day, the assessment period was over and Shizune was spared the grief of having to extract sensible information from the obviously insane Uchiha. He spent the next three days catching up on his reading and tending to 'Sasuke', going so far as to try to feed it from his food tray. Shizune had hoped he'd drop the delusion when the orange rotted and fell apart, but he only replaced it with a grapefruit.

Eventually, the day came when the exhaustive search for Itachi's mission files was over.

Tsunade nearly had a heart attack and the village almost revolted when Danzo came up responsible for the slaughter of the Uchiha clan. He'd been buried by a massive wave of furious civilians before the shinobi could even get to him, and eventually, news of Itachi's innocence crossed borders and reached across the ninja world.

Itachi weathered the storm patiently, paying no attention to the drastically improved perception people had of him now, particularly Shizune, who'd warmed up to him substantially, or the chaotic rift he'd created in Konoha's politics. He remained in the cell, still certifiably mental as he carried on conversations with his grapefruit of a brother but remaining paradoxically lucid in regards to everything else.

Despite her obligation to maintain a professional relationship with her patient, Shizune eventually befriended the eccentric young man, indulging his delusions because, honestly, he simply seemed happier believing in them.

And when the day came that grapefruit Sasuke was no longer needed, Shizune arranged for Itachi to be taken out for a walk with ANBU members while she disposed of the effigy and waited for his return.

When Itachi returned to his room, he opened his door to find grapefruit Sasuke replaced by the real thing, older and more pale-faced than he remembered, sitting stunned on the chair as they caught sight of each other.

Shizune observed anxiously with the escorting ANBU as Sasuke slowly rose to his feet. The younger Uchiha took a few trembling steps forward as Itachi simply looked at him, expression unreadable.

At last, the elder Uchiha smiled faintly, and as if he hadn't noticed any difference at all between the grapefruit he'd christened his brother and the flesh and blood person standing before him now, he said,

"I was wondering when you'd be ready for shuriken practice, otouto."