Chapter 12: Conversations

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA.

Not really sure I liked how this chapter played out, but I've lost all the notes I took at the beginning so I had to improvise a bit. There were a few things I didn't like how they happened on the show so I changed them to what I would have liked to see.

Can't wait to hear your feedback – let me know what you think!

It had been a long week.

After Diggle and Lyla's wedding on Saturday she had spend the next couple of days at home.

The panic attack and what had followed had left her drained and hollow. She didn't know what to do with what was going on in her life. When had everything become such a mess? When had she become this…this…fragile woman that had no control over her emotions and body? She resented it.

She knew they were in danger, but she needed some space. She couldn't even think clearly anymore.

She had spent all of her Sunday and Monday (taking the day off work) in her pyjamas, watching reruns and working on building a custom computer she had started ages ago. Oh and ignoring her phone, which to everyone's benefit had remained mostly quiet apart from the occasional text.

That was how Felicity had always coped with things. It helped her think.

She had gone back to work on Tuesday when she had felt that some of her sanity had returned. Working was what made her her and she thought that might help give her the push she needed to take all the difficult decisions she had to.

The rest of the week had been mostly uneventful, with long hours at work and little sleep.

The only people she spoke to were Ray and her assistant.

She hadn't been at the lair, but she monitored everything from her tablet and continued installing extra security measures.

When Dig called on Thursday, however, she had answered. She knew her overprotective, huge friend would come busting through the door if she didn't.

"Hi Dig" she answered her phone.

"How is my favourite genius doing?" Diggle asked and she could hear the worry in his voice.

"Better" She replied. "How are you? Lyla?"

"Felicity I'm fine. Lyla too. Happy." He said and she could hear the smile in his voice. And then he added pointedly "WE are all fine" and she was grateful for the reassurance she wanted to hear but didn't dare ask.

"The league left another message" he added when the silence dragged.

"What?" she yelped almost falling off her chair. "Do you need me to…?"she asked.

"No. There's nothing really new… which could mean bad news, but we can't really do anything about it. We don't even know where they are." He said and for the first time in a long time she thought he sounded tired.

"Oliver must be killing himself over this." She smiled sadly.

"You know how he is" Dig agreed. "If you come up with any sort of plan it would save me a lot of time trying to reason with him" he joked and she laughed.

"I'll see what I can do." She said. "Thanks for calling… and Dig? I'll be there soon okay? I promise." She added. It was time.

She hadn't slept much that night.

By the time morning had come she knew what she had to do. Frankly she was done moping around.

She got dressed and marched into work determined to get back on track. The unfinished suit, Ray, Oliver, herself, the league. She was resetting her priorities.

She headed straight for the lab where Ray kept his suit when she got at Palmer Tech. Ray was still at the conference downtown so the lab was empty.

Thing to fix numero uno Felicity. She thought to herself.

Ray had supported her and stood by her all this time and she hadn't even been able to help him finish this.

She took the day off her usual projects and moved her meetings and spent the entire day taking apart pieces of his suit and trying to figure out what was the problem, focusing on nothing but the thing right in front of her.

By lunch she felt lightly sweaty and headachy, but she had an inkling of what the problem was.

"That's what you get for playing Barbie and Ken for so long Felicity. With. Two. boys." She mattered frustrated to herself.

Yes it was frustrating and hard work, but she loved a good challenge.

It was just after 6 when she had figured out that the issue was in the core. The suit needed more energy than the core could produce.

She pushed the hair that had escaped from her ponytail out of her face and she called Cisco.

He didn't pick up but she left a message after the beep explaining the problem and asking him to call her back.

Her stomach growled right then and she remembered she didn't eat anything the entire day.

So she texted Ray telling him to come over when he was done and she picked her bag off the corner of the room and put on her coat before heading out dreaming of sweat and sour chicken, chocolate and ice cream.

The knock on the door brought her back to her senses and she opened it to find Ray there looking at her sheepishly, holding a large brown paper bag.

"Chinese?" he offered and she let him in, closing the door behind him.

"Figured you might be hungry" he added going to the couch.

"Starving actually." She replied "Let me get some cutlery."

They sat on the floor in front of the couch together, enjoying the food. Felicity had opened a bottle of wine and had poured them each a glass.

They chatted as they ate and Felicity told Ray about the suit and calling Cisco who was excited but seemed that there was something on his mind.

She had taken the plates to the kitchen and put them in the sink taking a deep breath before returning to the living room.

"I wanted to talk to you." She said as she picked her wine glass up from the table and sat on the floor in front of the couch next to Ray.

"I wanted to apologise for my behaviour." She continued looking earnestly at him.

"Fel…" Ray started and she cut him off by raising her hand.

"No, Ray I need to say this." She smiled warmly at him.

"I haven't been a good partner to you, I haven't been honest, I haven't even been your friend lately. I've been so involved in my own little world that I never realised that my behaviour was unacceptable.

You have stood by me and you took care of me even when I didn't deserve you. You stayed up with me and you brought me ice cream and you made me smile when I thought it would no longer be possible.

You did it and you never questioned what I said or rather didn't say…

And all I did is betray your trust and leave you on the sidelines of my life. I am sorry.

And I realise it's not fair to you. You deserve so much better. Someone who loves you more than anything in the entire world. You've been nothing but a gentleman to me and I…" she hesitated.

"love someone else" he added quietly and she felt a tear run down her cheek.

Quiet spread in the room as neither of them spoke for a while only looking at each other.

He placed his hand on top of hers. It felt warm and soft and familiar and it made her cry harder.

"Ray I'm sorry… I…" she didn't know what else to say.

"You don't have to apologise Felicity." He stopped her with a squeeze of her hand looking deeply into her eyes. "I knew… I've known for a while, from the beginning maybe…how could I not have?" he continued with a little smile and Felicity looked at him baffled.

"I am a genius." He added as an explanation only half-joking and Felicity punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"I knew Felicity. I knew from the start that you had baggage. You might not remember it…but YOU told me! I knew there was someone who had hurt you and that you were pretty broken… and that that someone was not out of your life." he continued.

"Granted it took me a while to figure out that that someone was the Arrow. And a bit longer to figure out that he was Oliver Queen." He said and she froze.

"How?" was all she could master.

"When he appeared at the party… It was pretty obvious that the man behind the hood would do anything you asked of him and I'm pretty sure that's not the case for everyone.

As for the fact that that's Oliver Queen? I had my suspicions since we met… Right built, time of appearance… but it was only when we went to John and Lyla's wedding that I realised. The way he freaked out when he felt you were in danger? There was only one man he could be…"

"Don't worry…I wasn't planning on telling." He added.

"The point is, Felicity" Ray went on, "I knew and I still chose to be with you –at least partly - for my own selfish reasons. I figured if you were as broken as me then maybe we had more hope. Maybe it meant that we could help each other out. We are so similar in so many ways that it made this, us feel safe." Ray confessed and Felicity understood exactly where he was coming from.

"I still miss her." He added all of a sudden and she realised he was talking about Ana.

"I miss her with all my heart, with all my soul. And right when I'm thinking it's getting better, I think of her and it drags me right back." Ray whispered, his eyes glazed over as he stared off into space.

"I'm sorry" was all Felicity could say, rubbing gently his hand with her thumb.

"You've given me hope again Felicity. You've made me realise there's life after Ana. I'm just…I'm not there yet…" he added, giving her a sad smile and they both sat leaning back against the couch, his hand still over hers, suspended in time.

On paper they were perfect. But life wasn't supposed to be lived on paper.

They sat there, neither of them saying a word, for a long time. Side by side as partners, before Ray stood up to leave.

Felicity had apologised again and Ray had only smiled sadly.

"We'll still go see Cisco next week okay?" she had promised before he left. They were never meant to be together but she had a feeling they'd never stop being friends.

By the time she closed the door of the flat she was exhausted. She wanted to slump to the floor, to lie there until sleep came over her and she didn't have to think anymore.

She wasn't done yet. She still had one more thing to do, but a look at the clock had told her it was way past midnight.

Relief flooded her as she slowly made her way to her bedroom.

Tomorrow.

Nightmares has plagued her sleep. The league. Running and going nowhere. Hands pushing her down. And endless blue eyes.

You'd think doing the right thing would give me some peace of mind. But no…

She had gone to work as usual, but an endless number of meetings with the board and various departments meant she didn't make it out of Palmer Tech till it was almost 8.

She took her car home, took a shower and changed her clothes. It gave her some time to clear her thoughts and what she wanted to say.

Plus it felt silly, but going to see Oliver she wanted to look good. She wanted to show him what he was missing.

She pulled her hair back in her usual ponytail to show she meant business, but she put away her glasses, choosing instead her contacts. She put on a tight high waist blue skirt that reached almost to her knees, a tight, cropped flowery top that allowed a bit of her waist to show and a hint of cleavage. Pastel heels finished her look.

Usual bright lipstick, handbag, keys at hand and a racing heart and she was out the door.

Reaching the club she took a couple of deep breaths before opening the door.

This was it. Her chance to stop being that weak little woman that always 'let' things happen to her and never tried to live her own life they way she wanted to. Oh and maybe even a chance for those panic attacks to stop. If she didn't have one that very minute.

A resolute took over as she walked through the parking lot and reached the door to Verdant. It was still quiet, the club wouldn't be open for a couple more hours.

She opened the door ready to make her way across the club and down to the basement only to be greeted with something quite unexpected.

Oliver was sitting at the bar, completely focused on the pieces of paper scattered in front of him, his back to her.

She made her way towards him and she could tell by the way his back straightened ever so slightly that he had heard her approach.

She pulled the stool to his right and climbed up not really looking at him. She noticed that he had a glass with some clear liquid in front of him already half-drunk.

"Hi" she said giving him a side look and he turned his head completely to observe her.

"Felicity" he breathed her name and she felt it on every inch of her body.

He seemed to be puzzled at her approach. She hadn't, after all, come in at all the past week, hadn't even sent any messages.

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly.

Felicity smiled slightly in return.

"Better" she answered.

It's been hard. I had to make all sorts of tough decisions this week. I can't sleep. All I see is you, but you are not really there. Oh and it hasn't been easy lying to you about the panic attacks… she thought but didn't dare say.

It was quiet for a while, each one of them lost in thought.

She crossed her legs and he observed her.

"You want something to drink?" he said oblivious to her thoughts and without waiting for an answer reached behind the bar picked a bottle and a glass and poured her the same thing he was drinking.

A gulp told her it was vodka.

She looked down at all the papers spread on the bar. Some were invoices from the club, but others were maps and notes.

"What are you going to do about the league?" she asked looking at the papers and taking another gulp of her drink.

"I'm not sure… I don't think they are going to stick to the shadows much longer… I'm… We are running out of time..." Oliver corrected himself.

"I have an idea that might get them the hell out of here." he continued, the corners of his mouth lifting for the briefest of seconds.

"You do?" Felicity raised her eyebrow is question.

"You sound surprised" Oliver mocked her lightly and she loved the fact that he was still positive.

"I always believed in you Oliver, I'm just glad you started believing in yourself." She answered simply a light smile playing on her lips.

"I don't know if it will work. But I'll try." he added.

He stroked her cheek and she smiled lightly before pulling back and taking another sip of her drink.

"What are you doing here Felicity?" he asked, his eyes not leaving hers for one second.

How was she supposed to say this?

She stared off into space for a few moments before opening her mouth to speak, still not really looking at him.

"You know" she started playing with her glass "when I was a child I used to love to climb on trees. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just loved it. I would climb on trees at the small park around the corner from our apartment, with a book and would stay there for hours, till my mum came looking for me after work." She said and he looked at her interested albeit a bit puzzled.

"Till one day during that summer" she continued "when it was almost night time, I was all alone and bored and I decided that I wanted to climb up one of the trees and see the sun go down. So I picked the tallest tree in the park climbed and climbed till I reached almost the top of the tree. Can't really remember what had come over me, but I found it exhilarating."

"I still remember that sunset or what I had managed to see of it. All of a sudden on my way to the top I had grabbed a brunch that wasn't strong enough to hold me. And I fell." She added quietly turning to look at him.

He seemed alarmed, but she continued just the same.

"Nothing happened to me. Well I broke my hand and my mom was worried sick, but nothing too serious." She smiled. "But ever since that day, I'm afraid of heights. They make my stomach all queasy and I just want to run."

"Felicity why are you telling me this?" he asked perplexed after a few moments.

"The thing is Oliver… After Tommy died and you ran off to that god forsaken island of yours…"

He was about to object to the running off comment, but one look and he shut up.

"As I was saying, when you went off to Lian Yu and we had to come get you, I jumped. Even though I think it was the scariest thing I ever did, I did it. And when we were stuck on that rooftop and I couldn't jump? I let you pick me up and jump even if in that moment all I could think of was that I was going to fall to my death." She continued her voice stronger.

"All I'm trying to say Oliver is… I chose to come to that island. I chose to be here, just like all of us did. I choose this team every day.

"Felicity I…" his words died on his lips with a single glance from her.

"I trust you with my life and I believe in you, in us, in what we do. I trusted you on that rooftop even though my brain was telling me to just run back even if I was caught.

We all have a past Oliver… They are not always pretty and we all have our secrets, our own fears, our own desires. Its not you that's damaged Oliver. Everyone is. All of us in our own special way. But that's our burden. You don't get to carry it for us." she breathed.

"I just came here to say I'm not doing this back and forth with you anymore. This thing where you are always pushing me away because you are protecting me ends today Oliver. You can choose to do what you want, but you can't make my choices for me." She added confidently.

Oliver observed her intently and she could almost see him thinking.

"Felicity" he said sharply and she knew where this was going. "You know I have to make sure you are safe," he added, his eyes turning darker, almost threatening.

At his words she stood up immediately, putting her bag over her shoulder.

Why couldn't he get through his head this simple fact? She thought frustrated.

"Felicity!" he continued with urgency in his voice as she took a step back.

"I have to go." She said firmly putting her hand up as if to say don't you dare stop me.

"You know where I stand and you know I am right. I don't want to have this conversation again." She said, turning on her heel and walking away feeling the tension coming off of him in waves.

"Felicity!" he yelled again but she didn't turn back.

Always fragile, always to be protected...oh but never to be treated as a woman who made her own decisions!

As soon as she was through the door of her house, she had pulled her hair free from its usual ponytail and had shaken it out giving a sigh of relief as the tension on her head lessened, when the doorbell rang.

She was not in the mood, but she still let her feet carry her to the door.

A look through the peephole revealed an excited Thea and a semi-self-conscious Roy standing outside.

Felicity opened the door tiredly, standing aside to let them in. No point trying to get Thea to leave without listening to what she had to say.

"Did you just get in?" Thea chirped as she walked in to her living room wearing a mini dress and high heels closely followed by Roy who was wearing –to her surprise-a shirt and blazer and sat down on her couch.

"You look like hell." She added without waiting for a reply. She hadn't seen them since Diggle's wedding, but she was grateful with how they ignored that she hadn't showed up at all at the lair over the past week.

"Thea…" Felicity started. She really just wanted to rest.

"We are going out. Go get ready." Thea chirped and Roy smiled at her.

"Thanks guys, but I feel exhausted." She explained to which Thea looked at her half mad, half exasperated crossing her arms infront of her.

"Guys, really I just want to stay home." She insisted. For once could they just listen to her?

"Come on, its Friday night and I know you haven't been anywhere apart from work this past week." Thea reasoned with her and Felicity almost started to doubt herself.

How did the Queen siblings do this to her every single time? It's like they had a knack.

"Come on." Thea insisted slightly pouting her lips.

"Thea thank you. But I had a really long, supremely bad – even by our account - bad week. I made some really tough decisions, I told the truth, I hurt people…I…broke up with Ray… I just want to get in my pjs, climb in my bed and watch FRIENDS till I forget all about it."

"Sorry blondie" Roy said sympathetically. "But I don't think you have a choice." He added and she gaped at him.

"See I spoke to Dig and I already kind of know what a bad week you've had." Thea added and Felicity had a flashback to the conversation she had with Dig on the phone on her way home from the club. "So I made plans. Great plans. WE are taking you out. We are cheering you up!"

"Thanks, but you can't…" Felicity started again but was cut off by Thea who had now crossed her hands in front of her and wore a smug smile.

"You wouldn't want to miss this" Thea added quickly with a wink looking at the door right behind Felicity causing her to glance behind her worried.

"What ar…" Felicity began to ask when a streak of red light burst through the door stopping right next to her.

"Hi Felicity" the familiar voice said to her giving her a smile that almost melted her heart.

"Barry Allen. Right on time!" Thea laughed looking up at the Flash who was smiling broadly.

"I told you I'd cheer you up!" She continued smugly turning to Felicity.