Chapter Fourteen
Severus found himself wandering the corridor in the dead of night. He was occasionally plagued by bouts of insomnia, especially when the end of term and its usual pressure arrived. He couldn't smoke – Professor Snape had given him something that was really helping to kill the urge, but he still felt jittery. He needed something to distract himself. Reading or experimenting in the dorm was out – he'd likely disturb his dorm-mates. He usually contented himself with borrowing books from the Restricted Section, but he had promised Professor Snape that he wouldn't. So for now he contented himself with exploring the castle. Everything was so peaceful and quiet. This was when he liked Hogwarts best. He could be alone with his thoughts and plans, unmolested by the immature brats that also attended the school.
A motion caught his eye. He was familiar with the movements of Filch and Mrs. Norris, so he wasn't worried about being caught by them. No, this was something different. He crept along in the darkness, withdrawing his wand and pointing it in front of him. There it was again. Someone had used a Disillusionment charm, but it was failing. It was either a sneaky student that was too clever by half (most didn't bother with spells) or someone was trying to infiltrate the castle. He preferred to watch and wait, but he was worried that he might lose track of his quarry. "Reveal yourself!" he cried, jumping out of the shadows and pointing his wand in what he fervently hoped was the right direction.
"Severus," a voice croaked, and the teen jerked back in surprise. The charm faded to reveal a black-clothed figure leaning heavily against the wall.
"Professor Snape!" the boy exclaimed in astonishment. The man looked awful. He was ghostly white and trembling uncontrollably. The wall was doing most of the supporting.
"Get me to my quarters," the man rasped, and Severus hastened to obey. He wrapped an arm around the professor's waist and swiftly guided him to his room. "Paracelsus!" he exclaimed, and the door slid open.
He half-dragged the man down the hall, heading toward the bedroom, but as they passed the bathroom the professor bolted away and threw himself in front of the toilet, vomiting with force. Severus waited outside respectfully for the fit to subside. He *hated* when people knew he was being sick, and was sure that the professor felt the same way.
Professor Snape flushed the toilet as he came in, but he saw anyway that the vomit was streaked with blood. "You're hurt!" Severus exclaimed in alarm. "What's happened to you?"
The man bent his head to rinse his mouth and nearly fell. Severus conjured a cup and filled it with water, helping his older self to spit into the sink. Once the professor was certain his stomach would not rebel, he had Severus escort him to the bed, where he collapsed in a limp heap.
"Should I call someone?" Severus asked nervously.
"No… not yet, anyway. Hand me those potions on the nightstand, the purple one first," Professor Snape said weakly.
Severus handed him the potions one at a time, helping to unseal them and hold the container steady as the professor drank. He recognized analgesics and healing potions, as well as a few which were completely foreign to him. He thought that one might be used to treat the symptoms of the Cruciatus curse, but who would dare cast that on Professor Snape? "Are you certain it's safe to combine these?" he asked nervously.
"It's probably not a good idea, but I don't have much choice." The man's voice was ragged with pain. His shudders decreased dramatically but he still was shaken by the occasional tremor.
"What's wrong?" Severus asked softly. "What's happening?"
Snape reached into a pocket and withdrew a mask. "Is that a Death Eater's mask?" Severus asked. "So I guess I did become one. And they're somehow related to what happened to you?"
The professor looked markedly improved. "Come with me. I must summon Dumbledore." He seemed much sturdier on his feet as he entered the study. A quick flick of his wand lit the fire in the grate. He threw in Floo powder and called, "Headmaster Dumbledore's office!"
The response was amazingly quick. Dumbledore had to have been waiting. "Severus? You're back! Would you like me to come over?"
Snape grimaced and closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness gripped him. "Perhaps that would be best. The stairs seem to be a bit daunting at the moment, and I definitely don't feel up to a Floo trip."
He stood aside and with a loud whoosh, Dumbledore arrived in the fireplace. He quickly cleaned his robes and nodded to Professor Snape, who was leaning against the mantle. The professor slowly crossed the room and sank down in a chair, all the while maintaining a casual air, as if he were not about to collapse at any moment.
It was then that the headmaster noticed young Severus. "Let him stay," Snape said roughly. "He needs to know."
Albus gestured to the only other remaining armchair. Severus shook his head, so the headmaster settled himself in it instead. "I take it things did not go well tonight."
"An understatement," the elder Snape replied, clasping his hands together to conceal a lingering tremor. "Yaxley tried to put the Imperius curse on a Ministry official and ended up putting him in a coma. The Dark Lord is beyond enraged. He also asked me if there was a way to bring down the anti-Apparition wards on the castle. He was less than pleased with my response."
He paused. "There is more. It concerns Lupin." Severus clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle a gasp. "The Dark Lord has learned of his temporary residence in Hogsmeade with Aberforth and stint as substitute teacher. Greyback does not trust Lupin, but apparently Lupin has convinced him that he is playing the part of the tame werewolf while stalking his prey. The Dark Lord is not so easily fooled, but Yaxley and I served tonight to divert his attention."
Albus looked concerned. "Do you have any thoughts on how Remus should proceed? His standing in the werewolf community could prove crucial at a future date."
Severus watched the two men whisper and plot for a few minutes. Dumbledore declared, "This is quite urgent. I must summon Remus at once and warn him. Perhaps a few days back with the pack will reassure both Greyback and Voldemort." He paused and considered the professor's wretched condition. "I would prefer to have him speak to you personally, but I believe I have enough information to be going on with. Get some rest, Severus. Would you like for me to arrange for a substitute for your morning classes?"
The man managed a weak glare. "That will not be necessary."
Dumbledore shook his head at the man's recalcitrance. He then seemed to remember the student's presence. "Mister Snape. It is far past curfew. Professor Snape and I are both grateful for your assistance tonight. I am certain you have much to discuss with one another, but do not allow your dormitory bed to grow too cold. Do hold out your wrist." The student obeyed, and Dumbledore tapped it with his wand. A thin glowing band of gold appeared. "I have given you authorization to travel back to your dorm tonight. Show this if you are stopped. Do not tarry long, since it will disappear within the hour." His expression grew grave. "I cannot stress the seriousness of what you have witnessed tonight. Secrecy is paramount. A single whisper in the wrong ear could bring about the deaths of many." He clapped the boy on his shoulder. "But enough melancholy! Do speak to your professor and then get some sleep. Tomorrow is yet another busy day!" He tossed in some powder, stepped through the Floo, and was gone.
Severus stared at his older self for a full minute. "You're a spy."
The professor's lips curled up slightly. "Clever boy."
"Why?"
Professor Snape chuckled darkly, but the sound quickly turned to coughing. He brought a handkerchief to his lips, and Severus was alarmed to see it become tinged with red. "Isn't that the million-galleon question?" He suddenly looked overwhelmingly tired. "I must confess that I was not pleased when you first arrived. I was thinking only of what an inconvenience you would be and how you may come to cause me shame and discomfort. You reminded me of a dark period in my life which I vastly preferred to forget. Although you have caused more than your fair share of trouble, you have proved yourself to be a pleasure to teach and an asset to Slytherin House. I have come to realize that you are my second chance. I have made so many mistakes and have done terrible things. You represent the potential that I wasted and perverted. You can become what I have always meant to be." He abruptly leaned forward and pulled up the student's left sleeve, reverently caressing the unblemished forearm. Both Snapes locked eyes. Professor's Snape's gaze was burning with urgency. "Never take the Dark Mark! Never!"
"What happened?" Severus asked, settling into the armchair vacated by the headmaster. "I've had my heart set on being a Death Eater for some time now. What happened to change your mind?"
The professor sank back in his own chair, weariness overtaking him once more. "I'm sure you recall how things went with Lily. She wouldn't even speak to me after the name I called her by the lake. It hurt horribly, but I deluded myself. At first I thought she'd be impressed when I became a powerful wizard. When it became apparent that wasn't the case, I pretended that she didn't matter to me. The Dark Lord promised me glory for my accomplishments and punishment to my enemies. For a time, I was happy. The Death Eaters gave me a place to belong and to showcase my talents. For once, I was appreciated for what I could do. No one was there to scold me, ignore me or hold me back." He sighed heavily. "Then things gradually changed. I had been asked to develop potions, which I did gladly. I suspected they would be used for torture, but still I pretended otherwise.
"One day I was forced to watch as a woman's insides were torn apart by one of my creations. She was a witch who had defied the Dark Lord. She died in agony, very much aware of what was happening to her. Fortunately, I was able to hold my stomach until after the meeting ended. Even afterward, I still lied to myself. I told myself that witches and wizards weren't his true adversaries, and they just got in the way.
"Fortunately, or not, the Dark Lord soon found another use for my talents. He wished to have a spy close to Dumbledore, so he sent me to apply for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position. Apparently he himself had tried at one point but was turned away. It appeared that I was not the only one have an interview that night. I did not see the woman, but I heard her voice… she made a prophecy, a very important one regarding the Dark Lord. I was not permitted to hear it in its entirety, but it did not matter; I could not get back to him fast enough.
"It was the worst mistake I ever made, besides joining him in the first place. The Dark Lord interpreted the prophecy as referring to a baby. Lily's baby. I cared little for the child and even less for Potter, but I still cared very deeply for Lily and did not want her to come to harm. It was the lowest point of my life. I approached Dumbledore and begged him to do something. In exchange for keeping the Potters safe, I agreed to become his spy. In a way, it also gave me a chance to pay back the life debt with Potter that had so irked me. Though I must confess that I found Voldemort's desire to target him as divine justice, since part of the reason I joined the Death Eaters in the first place was for protection against the Marauders.
"Once I had declared my true loyalties to my heart, it was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I had been blind. The Dark Lord had indeed offered me power and acceptance, but at a great cost. What good were his boons if the world would shun me for what I had become? I was much worse off than I had been before. Now I was not only a swotty freak, I was evil and corrupted too. Lily had been right all along.
"The first few months were terrifying. I practiced my Occlumency constantly, but I was certain that he would catch me out somehow. But my natural gift for twisting the truth served me in good stead. Dumbledore allowed me to become a professor, but of Potions. I would prefer to teach Defense simply because the brats find it more interesting and would hopefully pay attention; plus I could teach them to actually defend themselves, but I am not as disappointed as I have let on to the world. I apply every year for Defense simply as a ruse; a reason to pretend to be dissatisfied with Dumbledore.
"Unfortunately, despite all of my hard work and Dumbledore's efforts, the Potters were killed." He swallowed heavily. Severus sat quietly, allowing his counterpart to speak unimpeded. This was plainly something that he needed to get off his chest. "Needless to say, I was devastated. Lily had been everything to me, much as I tried to deny it, and without her I felt that I had no reason to go on. Albus persuaded me to watch over her son in her memory, which I have done. The brat is just as arrogant and careless as his father, and delights in throwing himself into danger and expecting others to pick up the pieces."
Severus looked upset. "I thought you had everything I could ever want. Spacious quarters decorated to your taste, house elves to provide food and tidy up, a Potions lab and private ingredient stores, lots of rare and fascinating books…."
Snape shot him a penetrating look. "I couldn't be more miserable. I would give it up in a heartbeat if it could reverse all the bad decisions I've made. In fact, some nights I wish I had let that wretched werewolf finish me off. Better to be dead than live like this." He looked longingly at a nearly empty bottle of port. He didn't dare drink after all the potions he had imbibed, but how he ached for the gentle haze that it bestowed; how it smoothed the edges of his pain-filled world. He hated that he had become a lush just like his bastard father, but he'd take anything that made his life easier to bear.
The boy looked disturbed and clearly upset. His life had not been very happy – his mother and Lily had been its two bright spots. He had hoped for so much better by joining the Death Eaters, but apparently that had only brought more misery. Were they both doomed to eternal unhappiness?
He caught sight of the clock. The pass that Dumbledore gave him may not be good much longer. There was so much he needed to know, and precious little time left. "How can you stand to work with Dumbledore? And Lupin?"
Snape grimaced. "Believe me, it has not been easy. Amongst the Death Eaters, I am at least admired and appreciated for my talents, although I can no longer stand to be around my cohorts. Dumbledore has founded the Order of the Phoenix, which is a secret organization to fight the Death Eaters. As you can imagine, it is filled with foolhardy Gryffindors. Because my double-agent status is so precarious, most of the Order members are unconvinced that I am truly loyal. That is simply how it needs to be, but it rankles that I am hated by the ones that I have sacrificed so much to help, while I am accepted by those that I have betrayed."
"That's awful," Severus whispered.
Snape stared at his lap. "There is no way out for me, save death, which I face every time I am Summoned. I am ill-used by both sides. The Dark Lord is obviously quick to punish, so you can imagine how he will react if my treachery comes to light. The Order pretends to be better, but most do not trust me – some are more vocal about it than others, but it is quite clear that few would be disappointed were something to happen to me. Belonging to the Order is a risk for them, but they are not asked to compromise themselves. I have been asked to do terrible things in the name of the Order, while at the end of the day the others can go home with a clear conscience. I do their dirty work; I take the risks and get nothing but derision as thanks."
"And you need my help to determine which Slytherins are loyal to the Dark Lord. I thought you had been asking for recruiting purposes."
"The exact opposite, actually. I've been subtly trying to discourage them from joining the Death Eaters, but many of the students have relatives who are members, or who are so disgruntled with the current system that they are willing lambs for the slaughter. I hate to get you involved, but you already are, simply by virtue of your identity. Would you be willing to help me in some small way? Could you try to steer them away from the Dark Lord's cause? A few words of doubt from a peer may be all it takes. However, you must be extremely cautious. Both the Order and Hogwarts itself have harbored spies in the past. One wrong word could doom us both."
"I can do that. Suddenly the urge to 'eat death' is no longer as prevalent. But it sucks that you have to work with people that hate you. What about the Marauders? I imagine that they're part of the Order too? And is it really awful having Dumbledore as a boss?"
"Potter is dead, of course. Black died just last year. Good riddance, though the Potter brat has been unbearable ever since. Lupin, as you've seen, is alive, though rather the worse for wear. He is now trying to drum what little bits of Defensive magic he can into the students' thick-headed skulls, whenever he is given the opportunity to substitute. As you've heard tonight, he is trying to infiltrate the werewolf community to prevent them from siding with Voldemort. And you'll never believe what happened with Pettigrew. I myself did not find this out until fairly recently. Pettigrew actually betrayed his friends by siding with the Dark Lord, thus causing their deaths. I'd laugh, but since his actions brought about Lily's death, I'd prefer to strangle him. Slowly."
"And Dumbledore?"
"Dumbledore can frequently be quite infuriating. Someone else I'd like to strangle. However, he has been extremely supportive of me when no one else has. Almost everything I have today, including my freedom from Azkaban, I owe to him. I occasionally resent what he asks of me, but I am the one who got myself into this situation and he is allowing me to atone. He asks very difficult but necessary tasks of me, and I can only oblige." It was Snape's turn to eye the clock. "You'd best be getting back."
"What about you? Will you be all right?"
"I'll manage," he said grimly. "I always have."