Uhm, I'm not sure if anyone is still interested in this, but hopefully you guys are. I'm sorry for not updating as much. I had writer's block and I changed the plan on how I would take this story.

All I thought when I wrote the previous chapter was how you can lose your head when things get bad, and that alcohol, vulnerability and doubt are very powerful things- Especially when they collide. If you want a more in depth explanation, then just message me or something. You guys just seem very… angry with how things turned out.

This fic only has about 2 chapters left, but I have a sequel in mind.

This is a kind of uneventful chapter, but I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you. xxxx

Today is Grandma's funeral.

Apparently, Zombie has been my middle name because that's all Glen and Clay seem to be calling me. I can't blame them, considering it's been 2 days since I stopped functioning all together. Two days since Connor happened. We didn't do anything, just made out for a bit, but enough for it to hurt. Connor, of course, wanted to take things further, but I stopped him and left him in the room. He's been calling nonstop since then. So has Ashley, but I only answer Ashley's calls even though I am completely aware that I no longer deserve them. How could I deserve them? Especially now. I'm not sure I ever did.

She keeps calling to make sure that I'm alright. She's always asking me if I want her to fly down here to be with me. Of course, I decline- but not because I don't want her here (I want her here more than anything), but because I simply cannot do that. Despite how much I want her here, I can't ask her to be here, even though she is the one asking. I haven't told her about Connor, but I will. How could I not? But I don't deserve her here and that's the point. That's why she cannot come here.

I don't deserve any of it.

"You okay?" Glen sat down next to me. We're at church and I'm sitting in the back in the last pew watching people say their goodbyes to Grandma. Glen set his hand on my shoulder, looking at the casket. He was never really close to her, neither was I, really. But we always get close enough to hurt.

"Of course."

"I hate funerals," He looked down at his hands, making a face. I smiled at that. Funerals always make Glen weird. He never knows how to act during one, so he acts strange. "They creep me out."

I chuckled, "Right."

"You must be a bit happy though," he scratched his head. I just made a face. "I wish that my girlfriend could just fly anywhere whenever she wanted."

"Glen, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Ashley," he made a face at me. I was just beyond confused by now. "I know you two aren't on the best terms right now, but you've got to be at least a bit happy that she is here, Spence."

I could feel the realization sit in with my heart. "What?"

"Ashley is here, Spencer. How could you not know?" He made a face. He looked back to the front of the church. "I would kill if my girlfriend did that to me."

Oh fuck.

I got up and started frisking out of the church, just to come into contact with the one person I didn't want to see.

Connor.

"Spencer, I've been looking all over for you!" He held me at arm's length and I didn't like how his skin felt against mine. It felt rough. It felt dirty. I shrugged him off in attempt to keep walking, but he stayed put. "I've been calling you."

"Connor, I can't deal with this right now," I tried to push past him, but he didn't even budge.

"Why haven't you been calling me back?"

I sighed, "Because I am in love with my girlfriend."

With that, I walked away to go find that girlfriend.

She looked like hell in the most beautiful of forms. Her hair looked darker than usual, but it was as silky as ever as it stayed put in its messy tail. I could tell that her eyes were tired, but she wore her glasses in attempt to cover them. She was dressed in black; black blouse with black slacks. She just looked perfect, basically.

I took a step forward and before I knew it, she was in front of me.

"I'm sorry," she held up her hand. I could feel my heart break at that. With all I did, she was the one saying she was sorry. I shook head with my eyes shut, looking down at the floor as I wrapped my arms around myself. I could feel the tears coming on. "I know that you don't want me to be here, but I had to see you."

First tear.

She looked down, "I'm afraid to touch you."

I couldn't say anything. I was too scared. I couldn't open my mouth to say something because I was too afraid I would start sobbing. Instead, I just walked into her arms and let her hold me for a bit- as aware as I was that I didn't deserve it.

"Speak of the devil," Granddad walked out smirking, as usual. I wiped my tears away before he could see, stepping out of Ashley's arms. I smiled at him.

"Hello Mr. Carlin," Ashley smiled as Granddad gave her a bear hug. He kissed her on the head while holding her and it almost broke my heart. "It's nice to see you again."

"Ashley, you need to stop calling me that." He held Ashley at arm's length and stood there for a bit. I sighed. This was becoming was becoming way too much. Granddad was just holding Ashley there and staring at her with that look on his face. With that smile. And Ashley just stared back.

I just might lose her.

"You can call me Arthur. Or maybe even," he winked at me, making me smile. "Granddad?"

Ashley nodded, laughing. "Okay Mr. Carlin."

"Ashley, what did I just say?"

"Okay Granddad," she smiled. "I'm sorry for coming uninvited-"

"Uninvited? 'Uninvited?' What is that nonsense?" He smiled at us. I could feel Ashley's eyes lightening. "Davies', you're family nw. You're always invited."

I could feel my eyes start to tear up again.

"Thank you," Ashley nodded sincerely, looking into Granddad's eyes and held his steady hands. "That really means a lot to me."

"Let's just keep it that way," he smiled and kissed Ashley's cheek then moved onto my forehead. "I'll leave you two alone."

We both watched as Granddad walked back into the church. A tear ran down, but I didn't care enough to brush it away. Ashley did though. She held the side of my face with her hand, staring down at me. I leaned into it, grateful for the comfort but knowing I didn't deserve it. That fact seemed to be dawning quickly lately.

"Ashley, I need to tell you-" I stood straight back to up to be cut off by the one and only, Connor.

"Spencer, what the hell?" He came up to me and made a face, obviously wanting an explanation. I could feel the anxiety kicking in quick now as my eyes darted from one to another. "Would you like to explain to me everything that's happening?"

"Just go," I shook my head at him, hoping that that would get him to leave me alone. Of course, he didn't. Instead, he put his hand on my arm and I could tell that that threw Ashley off because I could see her make a face.

"Hey," Ashley's voice was louder than necessary. "I'm Ashley."

He turned toward her, pulling his arm off of me. I wrapped my arms around myself, in my own little way to protect myself. "And who would you be?"

She made a face, tilting her head to the side. "Her wife."

He made a face at that, "What-"

"What in the hell are you doing here?" Aunt Helena marched up to us and put her hands on her hips. I swear, I almost rolled my eyes. Here we go again. Ashley sighed once she noticed Aunt Helena while Connor's mother called him over so he walked away. Thank God.

"Do you really think we needed this right now? What in God's name were you thinking coming down here?" Aunt Helena pointed her finger in Ashley's face. My eyes immediately widened. That's the thing that pisses Ashley off more than anything. "We did not need this at a time like this!"

"Need what, exactly?" Ashley bit her lip. I could tell that she was trying to keep her cool.

"This!" Aunt Helena pointed over to the gate where a few photographers were snapping away. Ashley sighed, a solemn expression on her face. I knew that Ashley thought she was safe here, which was probably why she just showed up. Of course, she never wanted anyone to follow her. But they did anyway. "No one wants to be photographed at a goddmaned funeral!"

"Ms. Carlin, I didn't know that-"

"No, what could you possibly say?" She shook her head in disgust at Ashley. Ashley just sighed. "What could you possibly say that will make this all better?"

"Helena, I apo-"

"Get out," Aunt Helena shook her head. "Leave."

"Aunt Helena, Stop it-" I got cut off.

"No, Spencer. I get it," Ashley frowned, looking down at me. I could feel my eyes watering up again. This is too much for one week. She looked over at Helena. "Could you leave us along for a minute please?"

"Will you leave?"

"After I say my goodbyes, yes."

"Your goodbyes?" Helena almost laughed. I, for once, was appalled. "You don't even know her."

"With all due respect, Helena, I have met her. And even if I hadn't known her that well, I still have the greatest deal of respect for her. So if it's okay with Mr. Carlin, I would like to pay my respects, Helena."

"It's not okay with me."

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it's not up to you-" Ashley was cut off my Aunt Helena's hand slapping her in the face. My eyes immediately widened as did Ashley's, whom grabbed a hold on Aunt Helena's arm. Ashley looked shocked more than anything.

"Aunt Helena!" I got in between them, pushing them apart just in case Helena wanted to cause some more damage. Ashley knows better than to hit someone. Ashley just looked shocked, while Helena looked pissed more than anything. "How the hell could you do that?"

"How the hell cold she speak to me like that?" Aunt Helena was shouting by now and I could feel all the eyes that were on us. Tears were welling their way up to my eyes now, but I knew that they didn't really matter. Aunt Helena took a step forward, still trying to get to Ashley. I held her back.

"Helena!" My dad came over and held Helena back. Now it was sure that everyone was just staring at us. It got all quiet and you could even feel the tension. "What in God's name is wrong with you?"

"Oh, don't you talk to me like that Arthur!" She pushed his hands off of her. I stepped back in front of Ashley, ready to protect her if needed. "Arthur, do you seriously want this hard time documented right now? Documented for the whole world to see?"

"Helena, just stop," He sighed and looked over at Ashley and I. "What's going on here?"

"She doesn't belong here," Helena stepped forward, looking straight at Ashley. Ashley almost rolled her eyes, but I could tell she stopped herself. "Arthur, you know she-"

"I'll leave," Ashley cut her off. "I'll leave. I just want to pay my respects. I don't want to make anything worse than it already is."

"Then why'd you come in the first place?" Aunt Helena chuckled sarcastically. "Spencer already has Connor. She doesn't need you. She's got a man now."

Ashley made a face at that. My eyes widened as I felt my heart skip beats (and not in a good way either). I looked over at Ashley, expecting screams but didn't get such thing. She just looked over at me, frowning. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, but it definitely wasn't good.

"Helena, I need to speak with you," My dad roughly pulled my Aunt away from us. Everyone pretended that they weren't watching the entire thing, but I'm not stupid. I was just beyond livid by now.

"I don't think I belong here Spence," Ashley shoved her hands into her pockets, looking down at me. I sighed.

"You belong with me though."

She smiled at that, making me smile. I could see tears in her eyes and it broke my heart all over again. "I love you, Spencer."

"I love you too, Ash." I could hear my voice begin to crack.

"You better get inside. The ceremony is about to start," she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. "I'll be waiting in L.A. We can… talk there."

"You're not staying?" I held her closer to me. I hadn't had Ashley in so long. It didn't seem to matter anymore that I didn't deserve her. All that mattered was that I had her.

"No, I'm doing more bad than good, Spencer," she sighed as she looked over at the photogs, who were snapping away at us. She kissed me on the forehead. "Call me after to let me know if you're okay."

"Okay," I kissed her. I didn't care about the paparazzi anymore. It didn't matter that pretty much my entire family was just staring at us. Nothing mattered anymore. Just Ashley.

Xxx

I think she could tell how serious (and most definitely furious) I was just by taking a glace. I'm sure anyone could. I could feel the sides of my face getting hot and I could only imagine how red my face was. "Aunt Helena," I grabbed her arm. "I need to talk to you. Alone."

I pulled her away before she could resist. I think that that made everything clear because she stopped resisting just then. She just followed as I lead her into an empty hell in the church. I wasn't mad for me- I was only mad for Ashley. Well, not for her, but nothing happened to me for me to be so mad about. I was just mad that this was happening to the love of my life. Ashley sure as hell didn't deserve this. She's never done anything wrong for her to deserve this- plus she is already perfect in herself. Ashley didn't have to come today, but she chose to anyway. That's what matters to me. She didn't do anything and she's still dealing with all this.

"Spencer, listen-"

"No, Helena, you listen," I cut her off. "You need to stop."

Aunt Helena rolled her eyes, "Oh, Spencer-"

"No, Helena. I'm being serious. You need to stop this, now." She tried to speak, but I waved her off. "No, I don't care about your reasoning because it's shit, okay? It's shit."

She looked too stunned to speak.

"I'm the one that doesn't deserve her, okay? I'm the one that doesn't deserve her. Aunt Helena, you need to understand that Ashley is going to be around for a long time. In fact, she's going to be around forever. Okay? Do you understand that yet? I love her. I need her. I want her. She's going to be around for as long as she wants to be around and hopefully, that'll be forever. I'm not going to leave her. She's always going to be here. You have to deal with that or just… no. Deal with it."

Rolling my eyes, I walked away before she could say anything.

Xxxxx

The ceremony was tense and beautiful at the same time. My mom cried even though Grandma Martha wasn't her mom, and so did Helena. I cried too. I cried for Grandma Martha, for Ashley, for Helena, for Connor, for Granddad, for everything. The funeral just gave me an excuse to cry openly, really. I had already been crying on my own (saying alone just seems far too depressing) for the past two days now, so openly wasn't much of a change. I held Granddad's hand through the whole thing, and he gave me a kiss on the forehead once it was all over. He smiled at me with his sad eyes and that's all I thought of as I now sat at the kitchen island, alone staring at my hands waiting for nothing.

"Where's Ashley, love?" Granddad walked into the kitchen, holding his coffee mug. I smiled at him. "Did she leave without a kiss goodbye?"

"I'm afraid so, Granddad."

He sighed and sat down across from me. "I'm glad she came though. It was nice to feel her."

I smirked, looking up at him. "Feel?"

"Well, you can always feel the love when you two are together," he shrugged, taking a sip from his mug. "It's nice to feel love in such a sad time."

I looked down. "I messed up, Granddad."

He frowned, looking at me. "Do I want to know?"

I shook my head. He was never fond of Connor. He always thought he was a prick, even though he wasn't. He always told me that there is just something that screams 'ASSHOLE' about him. "Probably not."

He nodded, playing with his mug. "You know, I think it's great when people screw up once in awhile, Spence. Especially when they're in a relationship."

I chuckled sarcastically. If only everyone thought that way. "Oh really?"

"Really. It shows real commitment on one end, though it's not really ever equal. It's nice to see that people actually want to work things out even after things go bad. That shows how much you really love someone, you know. Or how much someone really loves you," He nodded, taking another sip of his coffee.

"I sure hope Ashley will still love me," I murmured to myself.

"Now, if Ashley really loves you, and I'm sure she does," Granddad smiled at me, "She'll forgive anything. But that doesn't give you a reason to just do anything you want now, Spencer."

"I only love her, Granddad."

Never have I ever thought that I would be talking to my Granddad about girls.

"Then go tell her," he shrugged. "It'd be nice to have dinner with her sometime. How about you go to California, go get her and come back, eh? I'll have some fancy Italian dish waiting for the both of you."

I smiled, nodding. "I think I just might."

"I never liked that Connor kid anyway." Granddad took a sip of his coffee, shaking his head at me. "He sucks."

I just laughed at that.

"Spencer!" Connor taped on the sliding glass window that enters the kitchen. I was about to stand, but he just let himself in. I sighed. I knew he'd come after me. "Spencer, I need to talk to you."

Granddad smirked as he got up. He leaned down to my ear, "At least Ashley says hello when she sees me."

He kissed me on the forehead and made his exit. Connor just stood near the sliding glass door with his arms crossed. I sighed.

"So do you mind explaining what the hell is going on?" He made a face. "And who the hell is Ashley? Your mom was talking about her at the funeral."

"The love of my life," I answered, looking down at Granddad's mug. I looked up at him. He looked more confused than ever. There's no point in hiding it. I just hope I'm still the love of Ashley's life.

"What are you talking about?"

"Ashley is my girlfriend," I looked him in the eye. "I plan on spending the rest of my life with her… and then some."

"Are you kidding me?" He made a face, shaking his head at me.

"No, I'm sorry how this all planned out, but-"

"Why'd you do it?" He sighed. "You wouldn't have done it if you didn't still have feelings for me."

I looked him in the eye. "I have lost those feelings forever, Connor. There's only her now."

And I know that now. I always have.

There was nothing I could really do anymore. All I really wanted to do now was go find Ashley, and love her the best I could until she could find it in her heart to forgive me. Connor didn't say anything more. He just walked out with his head down, leaving me on my own.

I can only hope Ashley will be so forgiving.

Christine let me use her private plane since there were no flights out for L.A. She was happy to do so, even excited actually. I was just plain out nervous. I cried on the plane, and didn't even care enough to cover it up. I cried in the cab as well, I cried everywhere. I still had fresh tears on my face once I approached the door.

I walked into the flat and the first thing I saw ripped my heart. I dropped my things and covered my mouth with my hand, "Oh god."