Special thanks to britfanatic26, who helped with some of the ideas for the rest of this story!
Farts and Foghorns
Uhura gave her hair one last combing before climbing into bed. What a day! She didn't know the details of what had gone on with everyone, but she wasn't the head communications officer for nothing. She was a keen observer of people and didn't miss a thing. Something very strange was going on around the ship! More than usual, that is. Somehow, being docked at a StarBase had not alleviated the situation at all.
She settled deep under her covers and closed her eyes. But not for long!
TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!
Uhura shot out of bed in alarm. "What in the world was that?" She held a hand over her heart, as if that would calm it from beating so fast. "It sounded like some kind of foghorn. But we don't have any of those on the ship!" Maybe someone next door had accidentally set off a computer program.
She settled back into bed, stretching out as far as she could. Sitting at that console all day sometimes gave her cramps.
TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!
She whipped to a sitting position, startled. "There it is again!" What was going on? "Lights."
She glanced around her quarters and out in the hall. All seemed normal. She checked with her neighbors, who'd thought they'd heard something from Uhura's quarters a few times, but that was it.
So. It was definitely coming from her quarters somewhere.
After the foghorn went off a few times more, she finally found it: a data chip in her closet! Obviously, someone had planted it there! "What in the world? Who would do that? And why? It's like it's some sort of prank or something!" She thought she'd picked up some strange vibes among the bridge crew. Were they getting pranked too? That odd comment Chekov made to Scotty, almost as if he thought Scotty had something to do with his head getting shaved. Was Scotty pranking the other Bridge crew?
There was no use fretting about it tonight. She'd go to someone about it tomorrow. Maybe a security officer, or Mr. Spock. He always seemed to know what was going on and was willing to listen to her when she had an issue. The captain she knew to stay away from, for reasons unknown.
The next day, all senior officers, including Uhura this time, were invited to a meeting headed by Spock. The captain, once more, was conspicuously absent.
Spock brought everyone up to date on the information they'd gathered about the Senali, but left out everything with the poltergeist. Jim had a captain's image to maintain. They wouldn't be told about his problems unless it became necessary. "We all must stay vigilant, but keep an aura of welcome. There is no solid proof of her hostility, but her clandestine nature makes it logical to be cautious. We will still transport the athletes, but we will not be solely responsible for them. The USS Troubadour will be joining us for added security. Are there any questions?"
"Mr. Spock, can I ask what is going on with the Captain?" questioned Uhura.
Spock considered this. He did not want to embarrass the captain, but all this secrecy and uncertainty wasn't good for crew morale either. "The Captain is attending to personal matters that also have their own connections with the Senali. It is very important that he remains undisturbed for this mission." He was getting ever closer to designing a containment field for Finnegan, but with everything going on, it was difficult to find the time to complete it. "If you find anything strange, anything out of the ordinary at all, please report it immediately."
"I had something strange happen last night," Uhura piped up again.
As Uhura rarely made these kinds of complaints, she had Spock's complete attention. "What happened?"
"A sound chip was placed in my closet, set to making foghorns sound at regular intervals. It was like it was a prank or something!"
Spock's brain whirred into motion. Could Finnegan have done it? It was possible. He'd shown in the past few days that Jim was no longer his sole target. Perhaps, in time, he would start wreaking havoc on the whole ship. "I believe I know what happened, but I cannot reveal it at this time."
"You do?" piped up Scotty in spite of himself. "Someone planted a recording of dripping water in my closet the other night!" The computer's records had made it look like Uhura had done it, but, perhaps he'd been mistaken? She'd seemed genuinely puzzled about being pranked back!
Chekov made to speak, and then stopped.
"Please tell us, Mr. Chekov," urged Spock.
"Well. Someone put pink dye in my shampoo. I thought it was you, Scotty!"
"I did not!" denied Scotty vehemently. "The captain said no more pranking! So I told Mr. Spock about the bottles!"
"We are aware of the prankster problem," said Spock. "Please report the incidents. Do not concern yourself with their origin. The captain and I are working out the solution."
Scotty, Chekov, and Uhura looked at each other. That was easy for Spock to say! He wasn't the one getting pranked. He wasn't being kept up at night and didn't have to shave his head!
"You are dismissed."
The rest of the morning was spent welcoming the various alien athletes on board and getting them settled in. Scotty headed to Engineering to prepare for departure and to train the new crew members he'd picked up at the Starbase. McCoy entertained Odessa in Sickbay and Spock gave the athletes a tour of the ship, ending with the Bridge.
Jim entered the Bridge soon after, to the surprise of everyone. "Uhura, call Scotty up here," he said. "I want all senior officers present for the conference with the Troubadour."
"Captain!" said Uhura with a delighted smile, before summoning Scotty, who arrived a few minutes later.
Jim smiled back. This had been a good decision. He'd wanted to address the Troubadour before takeoff, and he knew the crew needed to see their captain out and about every so often, for morale's sake. Finnegan had left him alone so far during official Starfleet business. He should be fine.
So, in front of the Olympic contenders and his entire Bridge crew, he opened the connection to the other ship. "Captain Mayhew! Good to see you," he greeted the balding man who appeared on the screen.
"Captain Kirk! Long time, no see."
"I'm looking forward to our mission – "
FART!
Jim stopped mid-sentence, utterly humiliated. Finnegan. "As I was saying," he continued, hoping they didn't think it was him, though Finnegan had done a good job of making it sound like it was. He didn't know that he could make noise. Did that mean he was getting stronger? "It will be my pleasure to work with you – "
FART!
Jim fought to keep his composure. "I ah, hope it's the first of many – "
FART!
Spock stepped in and made a gesture toward Uhura, who, though very confused, obligingly added in background static.
"Captain, our schedule is tight. It is best we get underway."
"Yes. Kirk – "
FART!
Out."
"Captain, a word." Spock uncharacteristically grabbed Jim by the arm and pulled him off the Bridge into the lift. Jim sagged against him. "I don't care what you have to do to do it, Spock – "
"Understood," Spock cut in. "I will not stop until it is accomplished."
"Put Scotty in charge in the meantime."
Scotty would not be happy to he pulled away from Engineering for that long, but he would just have to deal. "Yes, Captain." He touched his badge. "Spock to Scotty. You have command until further notice."
"Aye, Mr. Spock," replied Scotty.
"Spock, have I ever mentioned that you're the best officer in the Fleet?" Jim asked, looking up at his friend. "I didn't know Finnegan could make noise on his own. He must be getting stronger." He paced in embarrassed agitation. "I'm never going to live this down!"
"Humans are mutable. They will forget today's incident in due time. Perhaps, in light of this event, it would be better to reveal to them the truth."
"Just, do as you see fit. I'm going to my quarters and attempt to teleport to the other side of the galaxy."
Spock raised a brow, but let the illogic pass this time. "Very well, Captain."
"Call me Jim."
"Yes, Jim."
Jim smiled, strangely reassured, and went inside his quarters. Spock set off to his science lab to get to work on his trap for Finnegan. Now that he was relieved of all other duties, he should be able to finish much more efficiently. He'd discovered radiation that could form a barrier that Finnegan could not cross, but touching it was also dangerous to humans, so he couldn't flood the ship with it. He would have to make a special suit for the Captain and a cage that could hover and produce the necessary radiation, with force fields to contain it. Tricky work, and it never had been done before. He had his work cut out for him. He would worry about explanations to the crew later. He had to contain that poltergeist before anything worse happened.
Meanwhile, Bridge decorum had gone up in smoke.
"Not a word out of any of you!" Scotty told the athletes, who looked ready to mock the Captain. Scotty gestured to a security officer. "Ensign, please escort our guests to their quarters."
"Yes, Commander," agreed the ensign, who looked like she didn't know whether to laugh or be uncomfortable.
Once they were gone, the Bridge officers crowded around the captain's chair.
"What do we do now?" wondered Uhura.
"Well, we still have to have that conference with the Troubadour," said Scotty. "First things first." Uhura obligingly reopened the connection to the other ship. "Commander Scott here, are you ready to depart?"
Scotty and the other Enterprise officers were greeted with the sight of the other crew barely containing their laughter at them. "I'll say you guys are!" said Captain Mayhew mockingly. "You should have enough gas to power your Starship!" Troubadour's crew broke out in snickers.
The Enterprise crew bristled. "Let's not forget we have a potentially dangerous mission on our hands!" Scotty reminded them heatedly.
"Of course," said Mayhew, though he didn't sober up much.
"Right now, it's only dangerous to Kirk's pants!" someone called out off screen.
"Now, now, ensign," Mayhew chided without heat. "We can't all have the best crew in the fleet."
Oh, so he wanted to play that game, did he? "We'll see about that, sir," said Scotty, his "sir" heavy with sarcasm. "We're set to go."
"After you."
"Scott out."
Scotty turned to the seething Bridge crew.
"I can't believe what they said about us!" ranted Chekov. "The nerve of them!"
Even stoic Sulu was furious. "They had no right to treat us that way!"
"We should do something," said Uhura.
They all looked at Scotty.
"They're not making us the laughing stock of Starfleet! Best crew in the fleet, indeed. We'll see about that. Won't we?" Scotty said to them.
"Aye, aye, commander!" they agreed.
"I have just the thing. It will take all of our skill sets, but we'll teach them to make fools out of us! First, though, we must get underway. Chekov?"
"Yes, commander," responded the navigator, punching in the coordinates for the Olympic planet.
"Engage!"
Warp drive kicked into gear. Once they confirmed the other ship was following, Scotty had the Bridge crew gather around again. "All right, here's what we're going to do…"