Hello again. I'm back after months of being unable to write during my mom's illness and after she passed away. Both sets of my boys were here, patiently waiting until I was ready. Now they daily help me by occupying my mind, challenging me to get their stories out of my head and onto the page.
Thank you harrytwifan for betaing this, and for everything else. Thank you for being there.
Disclaimer – I don't own anything Twilight. This is Slash. One beautiful boy loves another and vice versa. But it's complicated.
Song inspirations - My play list for this fic is so long. I keep listening to all the songs I've previously mentioned. I've also recently added Stay by Rihanna, Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars, Daylight by Maroon 5, and So Close by Jon McLaughlin from Disney's Enchanted soundtrack.
This chapter is Jasper, though – so I found myself mostly listening to Over My Head by The Fray, again. It's his song. Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down, too –hence the title . And Stay by Rihanna so well sums up how these boys feel, I think.
Ch. 14 – Dark Side of the Moon
Jpov
I can't hide how visibly shaken I am after Edward leaves, promptly collapsing on the bathroom floor once my vomiting has subsided.
The reality of my predicament hits me hard as I lie here on the cold ceramic tile.
I knew he would leave with her; he always does. But this time hurts so much worse than ever before. Where I previously felt a splinter of pain each time I watched him go -an ache I could swallow and control - this new pain is all encompassing, wracking every fiber of my being. I'm not surprised in the least.
I lost the battle with my need for him this past week. Despite how hard I tried to stay in control, I failed miserably, giving Edward my heart and my soul. They are his now, completely.
Alice silently sits beside me, gently holding my hand. She doesn't ask. She doesn't need to. I've never fallen apart like this - and immediately following Edward's departure, no less? My little Tinkerbelle is a perceptive girl on any day, but today she doesn't need to be. My actions speak louder than words.
Now she must know for certain that something is up, and that it has everything to do with Edward. I'm terrified. He can't handle suspicion right now. If ever.
Once my sobs finally subside, she helps me into the shower, disappearing to return with fast food by the time I emerge clean and collected.
We watch movies in my room, cuddling on my bed all afternoon and well into the evening. It's taken all day, but I'm able to breathe a little easier now.
She feels so nice here in my arms. Safe. My safe haven.
My eyelids grow heavy; my heart beats slow and steady as her peacefulness blankets me. If only other parts of my body would respond to her in turn. Life would be so much easier.
I don't regret who I am. I don't want to change or hide. Yet, it's easy to wish for a simpler life of acceptance during times like this, nestled within her embrace.
I used to enjoy her touch. I would close my eyes and focus on the sensations flowing through me, not so much on the beautiful girl eliciting them.
Until there came a day I could no longer deny what my body truly craved, whom it truly craved. After my stay on my grandparent's farm two summers ago, I could no longer deny my lust for the same sex. It was my first time visiting them in many years, since I was very young. Since before my father left.
I could no longer deny my need for a boy's touch after spending that summer under his capable hands. Riley… my grandparent's stable boy, the beautiful boy who helped me relearn how to ride a horse, and learn anew how to ride a boy.
Every day, I watched his tan, muscled body, shirtless and sweaty. I was drawn to his thick brown hair under worn cowboy hats, and his soulful blue eyes seeking mine every time I looked his way. I took to watching him beneath the sunlight's revealing rays, then touching him beneath the moonlight's ethereal gaze. Tentative kisses led to timid caresses; passion and curiosity eventually empowered us to explore one another's bodies with fingers, then lips and tongues. As summer neared its end, we shared our virginity with one another, spending our last week fucking every chance we could steal away to the loft in the stables, or the secret depths of the neighboring woods. He fucked me, I fucked him; it didn't matter, as long as one of us was inside the other.
I returned home a man; still a boy, but a man all the same. I missed his body and his sweet gentle nature, yet I did not miss him.
We stayed in touch through emails and texts for a short while, until we didn't. And that was okay, for I could no longer deny my attraction for Edward was exactly that... that I wanted him, even needed to make his body mine.
I could no longer deny I liked boys a whole hell of a lot. Riley had shown me what my body truly needed, that a woman's touch would never do again. But I liked one boy in particular, wanted him with an intensity that took my breath away whenever he was near… my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend. It had been so all along.
I didn't take from Alice anymore.
Yet, we have stayed just like this… a couple in every other way. It's worked until now. But all good things must come to an end.
Underneath the calm she gives me, an undercurrent simmers… a buzz of need for a different kind of calm. The kind I know Edward would give me if we could be together without all the bullshit that keeps us apart.
Alice shifts in my arms, interrupting my reminiscing… my longing… my sulking. She looks up at me with her gentle smile and questioning eyes, playing with the curls at the nape of my neck.
"Do you ever miss it?" she asks, her voice but a whisper.
I brush her brunette wisps away from her beautiful face, wondering if she means what I think she means. I really hope she doesn't, but I'm pretty sure she does.
"Miss what, sweetheart?" I tentatively ask, biting at my lip.
"Miss… us. You know… being more of an us. Doing stuff?"
Shit. We never talk about this. We don't verbalize why. I don't think I'm ready…I stutter my response. "Well, uh? It's just that... It's hard to explain, Allie. I do, but…"
She interrupts me, shushing me and placing her delicate fingers on my trembling lips. "Oh, Jay! I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have asked. I know, baby… I know."
She's sweet and genuine.
She knows.
She knows what?
That I have feelings for Edward? She must…but does she know anything else?
Although I'm afraid shitless of her reply, I ask. I must be sure.
"You know what?"
"I know about Edward."
She knows about me and Edward!
My body betrays me. I can't hide my reaction to her fateful words as I tremble. Nor can I hide the feeling of doom overtaking me, I fear it's written all over my stricken face. I taste bile in the back of my throat. I'm suddenly dizzy. I know I should try to play it cool and deny anything she has to say, but I just can't.
She snuggles back into my embrace, holding my gaze. I see only concern and love in hers. And sympathy, even pity, maybe?
She's not mad. She doesn't seem angry or hurt. She seems to understand.
Respite washes through me at the prospect of her acceptance.
"You know…?"
"Yes. I know you're in love with him. It's okay. I won't let on. Just… be careful, sweetie, please! You're so special, Jay. I hate to see you wanting someone you can't have."
I should feel relief. She thinks my connection to Edward ends with me. Yet, disappointment suffocates me.
She doesn't know, not nearly enough. She doesn't know he knows. She doesn't know he loves me back. I want her to know. I need for her to tell me it's okay. That everything will be okay.
She knows one thing; I know it, too. She's right about me wanting someone I can't have, because I can't have Edward. Not really. Not like I need him.
I'm exhausted. I have no strength, nor the words to continue to lie to her right now, or to admit the truth. I lie down with my back to her instead. She nestles in behind me as darkness quickly claims me.
Through the haze, I realize I'm asleep and having a dream.
Unfortunately, it's only a dream.
He isn't really here in my arms.
Yet, he feels so good above me, kissing me, moving his body against mine. He feels so real.
How I wish this dream was a reality, yet somehow I know it is not.
A thick fog settles around us -my love and myself, enveloping everything in its icy clutches. I can no longer see him. I still feel him between my legs, though… licking and sucking. Then suddenly, he's gone. I search the fog, feeling for the wall, for anything to cling to, but there is nothing. Only emptiness. The fog is endless and silent, until I hear sobbing in the distance. I know it's Edward whom I hear crying, but I can't find him. He's lost to me. I call to him, soothing and reassuring that I'll be there, that I'll always be here. He doesn't hear me; his wails become quieter and quieter, further and further away. Until I can no longer hear him. Until I can no longer feel his presence.
"Jasper! Wake up!"
Alice is calling to me, yelling at me. I want to answer her; I need to, but I can't escape the fog. She sounds frantic, her voice getting louder. Closer.
She needs me. Something is very wrong, and I'll find out what it is if I can just wake up. I just need to open my eyes.
I'm afraid to, though, because I also need to find Edward. I can't leave him here alone. Where did he go?
"Jay! Wake up! It's Edward! Please, wake up! "
My eyes finally open to find Alice anxious and shaking me.
"What? What is it? Edward? Where… where is he?"
She's talking on her cell, giving me a pleading and apologetic look with her huge doe eyes, soothingly trying to reassure whoever's on the phone at the same time. It's Bella.
"OK, Bella, calm down. We're on our way. We'll meet you there. Just go with Dad… Jasper and I will be there as soon as we can."
I here Bella hysterical and crying, but I can't make out what she's saying. I know it's not good. It's very bad. It's Edward and he's in trouble.
I scramble off the bed and pull on clothes from those left all over my bedroom floor from this past week of hell.
"What the fuck is going on, Alice? And what does it have to do with Edward?" I yell, far too gruffly as she finally hangs up with Bella.
"Bella couldn't wake him up. She found an empty bottle of sleeping pills by his bed. She thinks the bottle was almost full earlier in the day. The paramedics are putting him in the ambulance now; they say his pulse is weak. We have to get to the hospital immediately, Jasper. They don't know... they don't know if he'll make it."
For the second time today I fall to my knees in a heap on the floor. I hear a strange sort of keening noise and realize the offending sound is coming from me.
I'll never forgive myself if something happens to Edward. If he dies, I'll surely die myself. Whether we can be together or not, he has to be okay.
Alice drives us to the hospital through the darkness, breaking every traffic law imaginable. It's barely 3am, so there are no other cars on the road, thank god. A numb silence falls between us. All the while she sneaks worried glances my way as tears continue to stream down my face. My heart races at the different scenarios running through my mind, at what we'll find when we arrive at the hospital.
Here and now I vow to leave this town, as soon as he's safe. I will give him a chance at the happy normal life he deserves. The only one he can have. Without me near, he might actually have a chance.
Thank you for your reviews and alerts and favorites! Each one makes me smile! I'll try to respond to every review, so hit the review button and let me know if you're still out there?
I temporarily made it out of my hole last month to write a second chapter of A Beautiful Day for harrytwifan's birthday. It's my only purely fluffy story.
The Energize WIP awards are on again. In the Corner is up for Most Promising Slash! This will be its last time eligible since the next chapter is its epilogue, which I hope to post later this week.
My beta is up for Most Motivational Beta, and she sooooooo deserves it! Voting is open until the the 20th of July, this Saturday. Go vote if you can…?
Energizewipawards blogspot co uk/2013/07/voting html (put dots in the spaces)
It's so good to be back!