[KATE'S POV]
I was just in my room crying my eyes out and waiting for this day to end. I couldn't believe it. I got played by someone who I thought changed and didn't have the guts to do it. Maybe he did have the guts but that's not the point here. The point is that he's a selfish, unrelenting jerk who thinks only about his precious ego and social status. Boys like him don't have the heart to actually love someone; they only have the heart to love themselves which in my opinion is quite dense.
No one knew that I was here soaking my sheets wet. When I arrived, I held it all back so I can act normal throughout lunch. Once lunch was over, I slowly walked up the stairs and went in to my room and shutting my door. When I got in, my head exploded and I just started flooding the whole room. But I didn't cry on the floor, I cried my way to the bed. Then I crashed head first on the lumpy mattress. I pretended to sleep while my mother came in to check up on me and that always gets her because I can stay really still sometimes. She didn't bother to get in the door since she thought I didn't need any company so she slowly shut the door and did whatever she had in mind.
I didn't really expect her to come back so I just my tears fall onto my now half soaked pillow. I think I'm gonna sleep pillowless tonight. I hate sleeping on wet things. They gross me out a lot even if it's just plain water that soaked them inside out. My mother slowly opened the door and I lay on my pillow very still. This time she didn't just leave. It seemed like she let someone in as well. Dad probably? I don't think so.
"See, she's asleep," my mother mentioned just above a whisper.
I didn't hear anything more so I just continued breathing in and out deeply while keeping my eyes shut. I heard the door shut and so I lifted my head up and turned it. I twisted my neck to the side to get a view of the door but instead, Caleb's body stood right in front of me. I didn't say anything to him. I just sat up and sat against the cream colored wall beside my bed. I hugged my knees and looked down. I didn't want to look at him for fear not I might forgive him because he looked swell. He heaved a weighty sigh and sat on the edge of my bed and for a moment, silence filled the air and no one said anything for a good five minutes.
"I'm sorry," he said and I ignored him by keeping my head down. He seemed exasperated with me and my actions but really, he can't blame me. He can only blame himself.
"Look Kate, I really was going to tell you…" he tried again but getting nothing from me. I felt him shift on the bed. This time, he was probably facing me but I can't really be sure since I couldn't see him. I was hiding between my knees keeping my eyes shut so that I won't be able to see him.
"Can you please say something? Give me a sign at least?" he said and I squeezed my eyes shut tighter pushing back the tears that were about to flow out of my eyes.
"C'mon Kate, give me something I can work with," he said touching my arm. I jerked away once his touch grazed my skin. I think I heard him snicker once I felt the bed move irrationally.
I really wanted to open my eyes but I really didn't want to believe that this was real. Childish, I know but as of now, I didn't really care at all if I was mature or acting like a little kid. He started to grab my arms and that sorta startled me. I wanted to pull away but his grasp was too tight for me to move out of. Then at last I opened my eyes and looked up at him. Tears started to pour with each blink I made and the only thing I saw written all over his face was sadness and sympathy.
"What do you want from me?" I whispered knowing that I'd sound awful if I spoke loudly.
"I want your forgiveness," he said and loosened his grip. He kept his grasp on my arms but it was a gentle kind of touch. Nothing rough at all.
"I don't think I can give it to you." I said sternly. I wasn't about to just forgive just because he asked me to. He can't always get what he wants. I'm not one to spoil other people.
"Why not?" he asked with deep curiosity in his eyes.
"Because it would be stupid," I explained and he got off of his knees and let go of my arms. He sat down on the bed ready to spill his guts out.
"Why would you think that?" he asked as his eyes started to well up.
"Because I know that you'd only end up doing the same thing all over again," I said looking away from him.
"I can change just trust me." He said boldly and his statement kinda caught my attention so I turned to face him with one eyebrow cocked up.
"I trusted you and you let me down. Why should I do it again?" I said with all kinds of anger mixed in with my tone.
"Because-" he paused and thought about it. I was patient with him even though I knew I shouldn't be. "Just give me another chance," he said and I rolled my eyes.
"And watch the same things happen all over again? I don't think so." I said and he looked down and sighed.
"Please?" he begged and I quickly shook my head. I turned away from him so our eyes didn't meet.
It took him about 10 minutes to finally understand that I wasn't going to give him another chance. He left my room and shut the door quietly. I felt good about myself for standing up for what I really wanted. It was time for me to finally get what I wanted and it was finally time for me to put myself first. I always ended always forgiving people and watch them to everything they asked forgiveness for all over again. I always got re-runs of every mistake I've forgiven and with Caleb, I thought that even if I did forgive him, things would just be the same. The word 'change' doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I'm a gullible person and for years, people have fooled me over and over again with that word. Change is such a powerful word and to use it with the phrase 'in to a better person' just doesn't cut it for me because I know now that they just say that so that the story will end up shorter and everything can be the same again and I don't mean it'll all turn out to be good. When most people say 'everything will be the same again' it doesn't mean that you crash out all the bad things that have happened. You have to simply consider that they will happen again as well. So forgiveness might not be my forte anymore.
But even after saying all that, something inside me tells me that I might just regret what I just did. But I'm up for whatever happens in the future. I just know it.